[ENTJ] wishy-washy entj?

[letmehugyou]

Hi all, hope you can help me figure out what this entj wants, since i'm afraid of asking him (afraid, that is, for now...but maybe i'll get some courage after getting some advice from you guys)...

Last year there was this entj guy who pursued me -- and won. He gave me a lot of his time and attention for about 5 weeks, then literally disappeared. I wasn't naggy or anything and stopped contacting him when I saw that he didn't bother returning an email and a phone call. Like virtually all other entjs, he is a big-time workaholic and he basically spent his vacation chasing me down.

After being painfully hurt when he disappeared, I decided to write him off. Now he has reappeared all of a sudden, 10x more uncharacteristically gushy than the pursuing stage...about how he misses my "friendship" and affection. He didn't hesitate at all moving in on questions about when we should see each other (date) again as if we never stopped talking.

I'm completely taken aback. And I'm very suspicious. Is he using me just for physical/emotional affection because something went wrong at work? Will I come off as needy and naggy if I ask him why he disappeared and tell him how upset I was? Actually, I already told him that I was upset that he wasn't being responsive in an email, but he never responded to that which pissed me off.

Am I missing something here? Please help. You can ask me anything you want.

 

[ThatGirl]

If it pissed you off, why NOT tell him?

I tend to give spurts of attention too. I liken it to the theory about children and their eating habits. It says that when kids are growing you shouldn't get too concerned if they do not get all their nutrients every day. Children will eat when they are hungry and wont if unnecessary. Instead you need to expand your perspective, and look at their eating habits over the course of a month in order to accurately assess the balance.

So how does this pertain? One thing about me is that I may not shower constant attention on someone. SPECIALLY if I feel comfortable with them. I can go long periods of time off doing my own thing, not even realizing I may have upset someone or made them feel used. However, in the long run, I DO generally find my way back. The things I care about in life generally remain constant checkpoints.

That said if that is not something you are happy with, just be honest about it.

 

[ceecee]

Why would you consider a relationship with someone who thinks so little of you?

Tell him he pissed you off and why.
Tell him he doesn't miss your "friendship" and you have a pretty good idea of what he wants.
Tell him he is spineless and manipulative
Then go buh-bye.

 

[JHBowden]

Am I missing something here? Please help.

Trust your feelings.

 

[ThatGirl]

Why would you consider a relationship with someone who thinks so little of you?

Tell him he pissed you off and why.
Tell him he doesn't miss your "friendship" and you have a pretty good idea of what he wants.
Tell him he is spineless and manipulative
Then go buh-bye.

Why would you assume that would be the case?

 

[Shimmy]

Maybe he felt there wasn't enough, or maybe too much, progress in your relationship and he started doubting about things so he walked away. And now he's realising how great you were and wants you back for real.

Don't know, just saying that you can make assumptions and act on them. But you'll never KNOW his side of the story unless you ask him.

 

[Silencio]

If it pissed you off, why NOT tell him?

I tend to give spurts of attention too. I liken it to the theory about children and their eating habits. It says that when kids are growing you shouldn't get too concerned if they do not get all their nutrients every day. Children will eat when they are hungry and wont if unnecessary. Instead you need to expand your perspective, and look at their eating habits over the course of a month in order to accurately assess the balance.

So how does this pertain? One thing about me is that I may not shower constant attention on someone. SPECIALLY if I feel comfortable with them. I can go long periods of time off doing my own thing, not even realizing I may have upset someone or made them feel used. However, in the long run, I DO generally find my way back. The things I care about in life generally remain constant checkpoints.

That said if that is not something you are happy with, just be honest about it.

I second this advice

 

[moviconte]

I think you ought to just tell him you weren't happy with him disappearing without warning. And ultimately, it's up to you whether or not you want the relationship to continue. If you think he crossed some sort of line in his actions, you can let him know and not associate yourself with him. You don't have to make accusations of him being manipulative, just leave if you're really unhappy with him.

 

[Litvyak]

Why would you consider a relationship with someone who thinks so little of you?

Tell him he pissed you off and why.
Tell him he doesn't miss your "friendship" and you have a pretty good idea of what he wants.
Tell him he is spineless and manipulative
Then go buh-bye.

+1

 

[letmehugyou]

Several you have mentioned "why not tell him that you're pissed off?"

The thing is, I have told him. Twice.

Neither of us are fans of repetition, so I didn't say anything a third time. Like I said, I don't nag.

 

[JustHer]

Didnt you say he spent his VACATION with you, then when work started again he ignored you? He could easily just have gotten caught up with stuff at work. Also, if he's enneagram 8 then he could have been overwhelmed by the strong emotions he felt with you and taken some space to gain control again by diving into work.

If I were you I wouldnt ask him why he disapeared (I'd personally find that annoying if I was him), I would just prevent it from happening again somehow. Maybe just go with it for now, and then develop some sort of loose schedule or something

 

[JustHer]

Why would you consider a relationship with someone who thinks so little of you?

Tell him he pissed you off and why.
Tell him he doesn't miss your "friendship" and you have a pretty good idea of what he wants.
Tell him he is spineless and manipulative
Then go buh-bye.

Uhh, are you projecting something here?

 

[letmehugyou]

Didnt you say he spent his VACATION with you, then when work started again he ignored you? He could easily just have gotten caught up with stuff at work. Also, if he's enneagram 8 then he could have been overwhelmed by the strong emotions he felt with you and taken some space to gain control again by diving into work.

If I were you I wouldnt ask him why he disapeared (I'd personally find that annoying if I was him), I would just prevent it from happening again somehow. Maybe just go with it for now, and then develop some sort of loose schedule or something

Yes, it was on his VACATION.

Some of you truly feel no need to explain that you need to disappear for months? Honestly, I find that inconsiderate, especially since I asked him about it and he didn't bother responding.

I'm actually leaning more towards not asking why he disappeared, so that I can learn more about the situation indirectly. I'm not sure how to prevent this from happening in the future though.

 

[FDG]

How long did the "interruption" last? More than one week? If it's been more than two weeks, then it's not something that can be justified. You don't just forget about a person you're in love with because you have to work, LOL.

 

[letmehugyou]

How long did the "interruption" last? More than one week? If it's been more than two weeks, then it's not something that can be justified. You don't just forget about a person you're in love with because you have to work, LOL.

Three months.

 

[letmehugyou]

Also, I would like to point out that I've been very direct with him, just the way you guys like it. Being direct hasn't really worked.

 

[FDG]

Well, that sounds like something to be pissed off about. So, uhm, I suggest you just forget about him.

 

[garbage]

Is there a reason why you don't talk of any positive qualities of his?

If they don't even come to your mind as you're thinking about this conversation, then, well, you're probably better off without him.

This seems like a lot of crap to take from someone for very little gain.

 

[letmehugyou]

Is there a reason why you don't talk of any positive qualities of his?

If they don't even come to your mind as you're thinking about this conversation, then, well, you're probably better off without him.

This seems like a lot of crap to take from someone for very little gain.

You might be reading too much into my post.

He has many, many positive qualities. I am posting about a problem to be understood, and only want to give relevant details.

 

[JustHer]

Yes, it was on his VACATION.

Some of you truly feel no need to explain that you need to disappear for months? Honestly, I find that inconsiderate, especially since I asked him about it and he didn't bother responding.

Well if I hadn't flat out made any sort of commitment to a person then I would feel that it was unnecessary to explain anything. It would be sort of like coming up to a professor who doesnt know you from a large class you have and saying "I won't be in class tomorrow".... they would just look at you and think "So..?".

The fact that it was 3 months is what throws me off though, that is awfully excessive, but it could have really just been some isolated incident that he doesn't feel comfortable talking about (some sort of personal crisis or work crisis)? Just let him know what your expectations are from now on, I guess, and uite bluntly too. You cant expect us to understand a lot of the things you NFs understand about people interactions!