For over a year now I have walked through life devoid of any sense of spirituality or religious faith. What was once deep within me for my entire life I expunged from my being. I valued truth above all things and autonomy in the path I pave through life, but spirituality threatened both. The illusion of a spiritual world, of lofty and ethereal explanations for the workings of the universe we live in, which have no basis in reality. The belief in a divine consciousness and beings which have control over lowly humans, whose fates are predetermined. My values, truth, strength, power, integrity, free will, so aggressively accosted by the very concept of a spiritual world. And so I left it behind.
But I am no fool. I know very well the purpose such strong beliefs hold in the human psyche, in the collective society. I know it is a cornerstone of stability and direction, of strength and integrity. However, given my nature, the forces of evolution/devolution were pushing me there ever so steadily. I grew up with a deep desire for power and control. The power to crush the people who stand in my way, my enemies in life. The power to exercise my own will, to be above the manipulative hand of my creator(s).
My dissension was symbolic of my desire to free myself from the creator. I will no longer be a puppet of an omniscient and faceless being, nor will I obey the strings embedded within me and pulled by the one who gave birth to me. All my life I have fought against these forces, desiring nothing more than to be above them all. What foolishness. It saddens me that it took me this long to see it for what it really is. All the years I have spent developing myself, my mind, my own psychology. All for the purpose of being a human of my own creation, not bound to the rules set by powers above me, nor in any way reminiscent of their original creation.
I believed I would rise above. But like the great Satan, I have succeeded only in falling deeper into the dark void of my hollowed self, towards the event horizon of a singularity that has always been there at the center. Those things I have attempted to build beyond it and around it are but mere attempts at creating my own shell, my own ego. And somehow severing myself from both creators has left me without an anything to hold the pieces together. The shell weakens and crumbles. Steadily they fall inward towards destruction.
It's too late. They win. The indomitable will have their way. Everything I am will fade, everything I claim to be mine will fall through my fingers, and all that will be left to me is my original form. The long forgotten. The faceless man. That accursed hollow.