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  1. #1
    Senior Member milkyway2's Avatar
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    Default INTJs I need your advice. Please.

    I don't want to bore everyone with a long relationship story. But here's the basic synopsis.

    INTJ: there is a girl (INTP .. obviously) you think you might love or at least like a lot.. who is with someone else. You dated her for a while, but you both knew it wasn't the right time and she had to break up with you. Now, she's with someone else and you guys haven't talked in months. The reason for why you like her you've said is because you've never found anyone that connects on an intellectual level with you and someone to have such good deep conversations with.

    Would you want her to leave you alone and just let you get over it? Or would you want to be friends and talk with this girl even if you can't be with her?

  2. #2
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    Leave her be, you had your opportunity to get to know each other, and that's all that was supposed to happen, you are infatuated with her, i'm sure she enjoys the attention, but if she was truely interested in you, she would make the effort to be with you.

  3. #3
    No Cigar Litvyak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by milkyway2 View Post
    Would you want her to leave you alone and just let you get over it? Or would you want to be friends and talk with this girl even if you can't be with her?
    It's a matter of how much I love her. If I simply "like her a lot", I'd definitely keep the friendship for the sake of the conversations and the fun we could have together.
    If I'm in love with her though, I'd try to get away as soon as possible (more likely) or try to take her back no matter the odds (less likely). A friendship can not be maintained on such a "high intensity".

  4. #4
    Senior Member Little_Sticks's Avatar
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    Ditto on what Litvyak said. If you feel a great sense of loss from losing the intimate connection with her, then you should pursue to fix things unless she is quite adamant that she doesn't want to have that relationship with you for whatever reasons.

    If she doesn't want a relationship and you want one, then being around her as 'friends' is going to feel very empty and superficial from the facade of just friendship. In this case, it's hard to say if you should be friends, call everything off, or plan to call everything off until you think your feelings have subsided and then be friends. Obviously if you can handle being friends, then your chances of getting a relationship again go up, although not much. If you call everything off, then you will pretty much lose all contact with the person. And if you wait to get over her, there is a high chance you will also lose all contact with the person.

    Personally, I've never been able to go the friend route. My two only and serious relationships, although few, would not work out in the friend category. I think it has something to do with the feeling of betrayal from having someone walk away from you intimately when you are more than willing to work on and fix whatever is a problem; even if they say the problem is not with you, if they leave and go find someone else, then in truth it is or they wouldn't see a reason to leave. It's more than disappointing.

    And one paragraph to bore you: But I also have trust issues, so if someone is willing to do that to me after I've let my guard completely down for them to have a relationship, then I'll close off completely if they leave to re-align my mind with what has happened, even if it causes me extra initial stress for awhile to do that. I'm going to guess that isn't exactly a particular specific of INTJs. That's probably more of an INFJ response, but assure you I am no INFJ (not that there's anything wrong with them, of course ;P).

    Edit: Ohh woops I think I misunderstood the OP. Well whatever.

  5. #5
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    You know, I'll never really get those stories about longing. If I long for a thing I take it and if its already taken, I'll never forget about it, but nevertheless not speak about it.

    I know, I come from an emotionally repressed country and willpower is all I can brag with, nevertheless I just cant understand how desperate longing without doing something about it could help anybody anyhow.
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  6. #6
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    Wait, just to clarify, you are the INTP girl in this story, right?

    And you're wondering whether to contact your old INTJ flame?

    While you're in another relationship?

  7. #7
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    If that is the case, then you should probably just leave him alone.

    If it "wasn't the right time" before, then either wait until the time is right, or just leave him be.

    If he felt a romantic connection to you, and part of that romantic connection had to do with your intellectual connection, then trying to engage him on the intellectual level will likely just stir back up those (painful) emotional memories.

    Unless you want to cause him more harm, I recommend you leave him alone.

  8. #8
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    p.s. If the angle you're coming from is that you want to get back in touch with him, to see if "the time might be right", then you should probably question whether you really want to stay in the relationship that you're already in... (and, if this is indeed your angle, then I'm sure you're already doing this...)

  9. #9
    Senior Member burymecloser's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by milkyway2 View Post
    Would you want her to leave you alone and just let you get over it? Or would you want to be friends and talk with this girl even if you can't be with her?
    If you aren't in any contact right now, I'd leave it that way and let him get over you.

    If you're with another guy and committed to that relationship, and your bf hates the INTJ, I think re-establishing contact would make everyone unhappy.

    Leave him alone.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    I want to be friends with everyone, so I'd go for it. But then again, I'm weird.
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