[INTP] INTP emotional maturity and cheating

[Shimmy]

I dont think that I ever cheated on someone. But I think that what your problem seem to be is lack of control of impulses. The thing that happens when you dont think your actions through and just deal with them on a whim, but goes wrong doing that. It seems like a very normal human behavior so you dont do nothing that others havent tried before. So like your topic says emotional maturity - atleast for intps - is to say "this reaction Im getting is not congruent how my principles for living are, I feel remorse. What is there to do other than rectifying my actions?"

Hah, INTP's never lack control of impulse (maybe when drunk)! The chances of there being more than a lack of control of impulse at play in this situation are big.

 

[hilo]

Hah, INTP's never lack control of impulse (maybe when drunk)! The chances of there being more than a lack of control of impulse at play in this situation are big.

I have to agree - I made a conscious decision, however bad that may make me as a person. I'm starting to admit to myself some of the issues - the INTJ bf, for instance, has been surrounded by ESFJ females, including mother, grandmother, and prior gf's. You might think this doesn't matter, but I think I've been letting myself get pushed into the support role, including the idea of being a future housewife while he holds down the real job (the specifics make this necessary - there's little I could do where he's going), without voicing much objection. This is my failure as well - I should have recognized the feelings of being trapped.

 

[hilo]

If I just had to guess, there is probably something that you didn't realize that you needed that is lacking in your current relationship. It stinks that this happened, but it does give you the opportunity to evaluate things and decide if the current direction is the way you want to go.

I think that it's not super-uncommon for INTPs to have some kind of relational wake-up call because they seem to enter relationships passively, if that makes sense.

It does. I think if nothing else I'll have learned that you can't just assume everything is great because nothing bad has happened - it's worth it to invest in some examination now and then, and not wait for disaster to come (or not).

 

[Salomé]

Hah, INTP's never lack control of impulse

Never say never...
I most certainly lack impulse control (but I've never cheated).


Are you analyzing what is wrong with your relationship as a way to justify what you did or as a way to decide whether or not it's worth saving?

 

[Spamtar]

There seems to be a presumption there is honor in telling an SO that you cheated on them. I see no honor in that. Almost every time I see these confessions it merely becomes dumping one's garbage on their SO. The confessor feel relieved afterwords and the SO feels like they just have been defrauded and then crapped on and less than a man afterward. It is much more brave in carrying the inner burden, if any, by yourself. In other words the dumping of the garbage of the confession on the SO is a much worse and cowardly act than any temporary infidelity.

If you can continue to be a good partner with you SO and you choose to be one by Jove do so. If this is the case do equity to make up for undisclosed inequity...maybe give him a pass or two for some stupid stuff he might do in the future unconditionally...this way you both benefit. If the act represents a need to move on then do so. No need to make the SO feel like crap in the process with having news of infidelity dumped on them.

You have already breached the implied or expressed agreement to be monogamous. He wasn't making you satisfied enough that you not stray. If you still want him around then carry your own cross. By telling him of the infidelity you paint him as a cuckold in his own mind and this is an extremely harsh thing to do to an INTJ. What he doesn't know cant hurt him, especially if you do some really nice stuff for him to make up for your momentary indiscretion.

We as humans are all delicate creatures capable of making mistakes. Yet our reason allows us not to make the mistake worse. It this light it seems most equitable to dump or keep quiet and carry your own guilt. I'm not a bible thumper but reminds me of the biblical verse "So because thou art lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spew thee out of my mouth."

P.S. If you get a call from a radio station don't on St. Patricks Day hang up immediately. (inside joke)

 

[hilo]

spamtar, your advice echoes what my few friends I've talked to have said. I agree that it is harder, if you stay, to keep it inside.

 

[hilo]

Never say never...
I most certainly lack impulse control (but I've never cheated).


Are you analyzing what is wrong with your relationship as a way to justify what you did or as a way to decide whether or not it's worth saving?

I don't really seek justification -- it was wrong, whether I stay or go, and I know for certain there was nothing my bf did or failed to do that could "cause" my behavior. Past failures in action and understanding are on me. But I do need to understand if this is just an example of how I can be a shitty person, and need to avoid temptation very scrupulously, or if it was a stupid way of finding out I really shouldn't be in the current relationship (as opposed to more normal ways, like consulting one's feelings).

 

[burymecloser]

INTJs deal better with the truth than you think they do. Better to tell them an unpleasant truth than drop them in the fog. They can work with unpleasant truths in understanding ways.

Speak for yourself.

 

[Salomé]

There seems to be a presumption there is honor in telling an SO that you cheated on them. I see no honor in that.

I see no evidence to suggest you even know what honour means. Where is the honour in deceit? Everything you advise centers on dishonest manipulation. You've been peddling your flannel for so long, you've started to buy it yourself.

I don't really seek justification -- it was wrong, whether I stay or go, and I know for certain there was nothing my bf did or failed to do that could "cause" my behavior. Past failures in action and understanding are on me. But I do need to understand if this is just an example of how I can be a shitty person, and need to avoid temptation very scrupulously, or if it was a stupid way of finding out I really shouldn't be in the current relationship (as opposed to more normal ways, like consulting one's feelings).

I see. A slip up doesn't make you a shitty person. But avoiding temptation couldn't hurt.

I don't think trying to retrospectively understand the weaknesses in your relationship in the light of this incident is likely to be an exercise you can complete with any objectivity. I really believe you need to talk to your bf about it. I don't think your slip proves anything about your relationship in and of itself. Good relationships don't necessarily inoculate people against cheating. Nor do bad relationships induce it.

 

[Spamtar]

I see no evidence to suggest you even know what honour means. Where is the honour in deceit? Everything you advise centers on dishonest manipulation. You've been peddling your flannel for so long, you've started to buy it yourself.

Blue, in all due respect, perhaps it could be viewed in that manner but the fact is if something appears amoral don't mean it is. I speak bluntly to address a complicated situation into the distillation on what will lead to less harm or the greater good.

Just one opinion and if I could have better opinion which would paint me in a noble light I would do so. Yet I look upon the questioner as if she were similar to a fiduciary and not on how my advice can make the world outside myself more altruistic (as long as brevity and no undue dilution the answer).

Regardless, I find your perspectives are helpful too in viewing environment of the situation.

 

[Salomé]

Blue, in all due respect, perhaps it could be viewed in that manner but the fact is if something appears amoral don't mean it is. I speak bluntly to address a complicated situation into the distillation on what will lead to less harm or the greater good.

Oh. The greater good? Kind of like how two wrongs make a right?

I don't even necessarily have a problem with amoral people - it's when they try to paint their entirely self-interested actions as being somehow noble and suggest that telling the truth is "a much worse and cowardly act" than lying that I have a problem with them. Black isn't white and no amount of sophistry will make it so.

 

[Antimony]

Right now I'm stuck in a bit of limbo about what to do but it's not a state that can last.

I have sort of cheated before. Not like, sex, but kissing, and emotionally. And all that jazz.

Okay, the first guy, I didn't really feel bad, because I didn't really like them.

But then I didn't stop my flirtatious ways and kissing ended up and it wasn't very good (ironically, on the INTJ boyfriend, who I am still with. He was the second guy). Anyways, so I told him what went down, and it kind of upset him...probably more than he let on. I don't really know if it was good or bad to tell him. I guess good. Sorry, I am rambling, this probably doesn't mean much to you.

Anyways, I would assess your feelings for this guy you are with. If you are losing emotion for him, just break up with him. But thinking about being with someone forever isn't exactly a small thing.

 

[Spamtar]

top^Well it might be moot because OP told her 'friends' and that adds another uncontrolled variable.

 

[Antimony]

^ oh god, I wouldn't get friends involved.

 

[Uytuun]

Speak for yourself.

You'd rather not know the truth or you wouldn't be able to deal with it in a constructive way? (whatever constructive may mean in this scenario)

 

[visaisahero]

I suggest to the OP not to concern yourself too much with other people's conflicting, subjective views and values and go back to basics- how do YOU feel about what you have done, and what do you feel is the right thing YOU should do? How much do YOU value your long-term relationship? How well do YOU know your partner?

 

[burymecloser]

You'd rather not know the truth or you wouldn't be able to deal with it in a constructive way? (whatever constructive may mean in this scenario)

Probably both.

Honesty is critical to me, and if I got suspicious or asked outright, I wouldn't want them to lie to me. But if they volunteered the information, I suspect it would be the end of the relationship.

Nothing is more important to me in romantic partners than being able to trust them, and cheating is a breach of trust I doubt I could ever get past. If we didn't break up immediately, I suspect I would become unbearably jealous, controlling, and vengeful. Ugly characteristics, prolonging the misery for both of us until the inevitable end.

If this was a one-time thing that I was never going to find out about, the relationship was good and my partner genuinely loved me, I think it would be best that I never learned about it. If there was emotional cheating as well as physical, things were already rocky, or another incident of cheating seemed like a realistic possibility, I would say we should just break up, and I would probably be happier never knowing that I'd been cheated on beforehand.

Under no circumstances can I see myself thinking better of my partner for admitting the indiscretion. Admitting is something you do to make yourself feel better, and it doesn't make the admitter admirable or moral. Unless they're bound to find out anyway, I don't see how it profits those who have been cheated on to know what happened.

 

[Salomé]

^Trust and honesty are critical to you so you want your partner to lie to you when they cheat?
Yeah...makes sense.

 

[hilo]

^Trust and honesty are critical to you so you want your partner to lie to you when they cheat?
Yeah...makes sense.

So are there no circumstances (I mean any, not necessarily wrt relationships) in which you think lying is ok? I'm surprised to find an INTP so into moral absolutes. That kind of thing comes from conviction, which comes from Feeling - not T.

I'm not advocating lying in my case or others - just curious. To give a overly dramatic example, if my (young) kid were dying of cancer I would definitely lie about it.

 

[Spamtar]

So are there no circumstances (I mean any, not necessarily wrt relationships) in which you think lying is ok? I'm surprised to find an INTP so into moral absolutes. That kind of thing comes from conviction, which comes from Feeling - not T.

I'm not advocating lying in my case or others - just curious. To give a overly dramatic example, if my (young) kid were dying of cancer I would definitely lie about it.

I think Blue/Morgan would be the first to admit she comes a bit closer to an INTJ standpoint so take every perspective accordingly. All of them.