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  1. #41
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by slowriot View Post
    I dont think that I ever cheated on someone. But I think that what your problem seem to be is lack of control of impulses. The thing that happens when you dont think your actions through and just deal with them on a whim, but goes wrong doing that. It seems like a very normal human behavior so you dont do nothing that others havent tried before. So like your topic says emotional maturity - atleast for intps - is to say "this reaction Im getting is not congruent how my principles for living are, I feel remorse. What is there to do other than rectifying my actions?"
    Hah, INTP's never lack control of impulse (maybe when drunk)! The chances of there being more than a lack of control of impulse at play in this situation are big.
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  2. #42
    Senior Member hilo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    Hah, INTP's never lack control of impulse (maybe when drunk)! The chances of there being more than a lack of control of impulse at play in this situation are big.
    I have to agree - I made a conscious decision, however bad that may make me as a person. I'm starting to admit to myself some of the issues - the INTJ bf, for instance, has been surrounded by ESFJ females, including mother, grandmother, and prior gf's. You might think this doesn't matter, but I think I've been letting myself get pushed into the support role, including the idea of being a future housewife while he holds down the real job (the specifics make this necessary - there's little I could do where he's going), without voicing much objection. This is my failure as well - I should have recognized the feelings of being trapped.

  3. #43
    Senior Member hilo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    If I just had to guess, there is probably something that you didn't realize that you needed that is lacking in your current relationship. It stinks that this happened, but it does give you the opportunity to evaluate things and decide if the current direction is the way you want to go.

    I think that it's not super-uncommon for INTPs to have some kind of relational wake-up call because they seem to enter relationships passively, if that makes sense.
    It does. I think if nothing else I'll have learned that you can't just assume everything is great because nothing bad has happened - it's worth it to invest in some examination now and then, and not wait for disaster to come (or not).

  4. #44
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    Hah, INTP's never lack control of impulse
    Never say never...
    I most certainly lack impulse control (but I've never cheated).


    Are you analyzing what is wrong with your relationship as a way to justify what you did or as a way to decide whether or not it's worth saving?
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  5. #45
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    There seems to be a presumption there is honor in telling an SO that you cheated on them. I see no honor in that. Almost every time I see these confessions it merely becomes dumping one's garbage on their SO. The confessor feel relieved afterwords and the SO feels like they just have been defrauded and then crapped on and less than a man afterward. It is much more brave in carrying the inner burden, if any, by yourself. In other words the dumping of the garbage of the confession on the SO is a much worse and cowardly act than any temporary infidelity.

    If you can continue to be a good partner with you SO and you choose to be one by Jove do so. If this is the case do equity to make up for undisclosed inequity...maybe give him a pass or two for some stupid stuff he might do in the future unconditionally...this way you both benefit. If the act represents a need to move on then do so. No need to make the SO feel like crap in the process with having news of infidelity dumped on them.

    You have already breached the implied or expressed agreement to be monogamous. He wasn't making you satisfied enough that you not stray. If you still want him around then carry your own cross. By telling him of the infidelity you paint him as a cuckold in his own mind and this is an extremely harsh thing to do to an INTJ. What he doesn't know cant hurt him, especially if you do some really nice stuff for him to make up for your momentary indiscretion.

    We as humans are all delicate creatures capable of making mistakes. Yet our reason allows us not to make the mistake worse. It this light it seems most equitable to dump or keep quiet and carry your own guilt. I'm not a bible thumper but reminds me of the biblical verse "So because thou art lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spew thee out of my mouth."

    P.S. If you get a call from a radio station don't on St. Patricks Day hang up immediately. (inside joke)
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
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  6. #46
    Senior Member hilo's Avatar
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    spamtar, your advice echoes what my few friends I've talked to have said. I agree that it is harder, if you stay, to keep it inside.

  7. #47
    Senior Member hilo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    Never say never...
    I most certainly lack impulse control (but I've never cheated).


    Are you analyzing what is wrong with your relationship as a way to justify what you did or as a way to decide whether or not it's worth saving?

    I don't really seek justification -- it was wrong, whether I stay or go, and I know for certain there was nothing my bf did or failed to do that could "cause" my behavior. Past failures in action and understanding are on me. But I do need to understand if this is just an example of how I can be a shitty person, and need to avoid temptation very scrupulously, or if it was a stupid way of finding out I really shouldn't be in the current relationship (as opposed to more normal ways, like consulting one's feelings).

  8. #48
    Senior Member burymecloser's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uytuun View Post
    INTJs deal better with the truth than you think they do. Better to tell them an unpleasant truth than drop them in the fog. They can work with unpleasant truths in understanding ways.
    Speak for yourself.

  9. #49
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by spamtar View Post
    There seems to be a presumption there is honor in telling an SO that you cheated on them. I see no honor in that.
    I see no evidence to suggest you even know what honour means. Where is the honour in deceit? Everything you advise centers on dishonest manipulation. You've been peddling your flannel for so long, you've started to buy it yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by hilo View Post
    I don't really seek justification -- it was wrong, whether I stay or go, and I know for certain there was nothing my bf did or failed to do that could "cause" my behavior. Past failures in action and understanding are on me. But I do need to understand if this is just an example of how I can be a shitty person, and need to avoid temptation very scrupulously, or if it was a stupid way of finding out I really shouldn't be in the current relationship (as opposed to more normal ways, like consulting one's feelings).
    I see. A slip up doesn't make you a shitty person. But avoiding temptation couldn't hurt.

    I don't think trying to retrospectively understand the weaknesses in your relationship in the light of this incident is likely to be an exercise you can complete with any objectivity. I really believe you need to talk to your bf about it. I don't think your slip proves anything about your relationship in and of itself. Good relationships don't necessarily inoculate people against cheating. Nor do bad relationships induce it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  10. #50
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    I see no evidence to suggest you even know what honour means. Where is the honour in deceit? Everything you advise centers on dishonest manipulation. You've been peddling your flannel for so long, you've started to buy it yourself.
    Blue, in all due respect, perhaps it could be viewed in that manner but the fact is if something appears amoral don't mean it is. I speak bluntly to address a complicated situation into the distillation on what will lead to less harm or the greater good.

    Just one opinion and if I could have better opinion which would paint me in a noble light I would do so. Yet I look upon the questioner as if she were similar to a fiduciary and not on how my advice can make the world outside myself more altruistic (as long as brevity and no undue dilution the answer).

    Regardless, I find your perspectives are helpful too in viewing environment of the situation.
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

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