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  1. #91
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kra View Post
    Just keep in mind that every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and it may affect more than you (which it certainly does in this case).
    Again, I think this is the action of the submerged needs at work. Consequences go out the window when you give in to repressed emotion.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  2. #92
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    Both. For example, cheating often represents the end of the relationship "as it is". And often, it ends a relationship in fact. I think people repress the desire to leave out of fear. And, a repressed person is more likely to be susceptible to attraction because repression causes one to be vulnerable to the action of submerged needs. The submerged needs seize opportunities and the mind forms justifications after the fact.

    It could be a selfish act or a self-denying act. In many cases, it looks like a self-denying act.
    Ah, good thoughts...something to chew on.

    Heaven knows there is probably a repressed-needs obstacle course in the mind of many a young INTP.

    Edit: I guess my major problem is, at a certain point, the truth needs to be acknowledged. Even by the repressed. Even by the young and immature. When does it end?
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  3. #93
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    I would imagine merely bringing this up to your significant other would cause distress. Tricky situation. I have no words of advice.

  4. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    Ah, good thoughts...something to chew on.

    Heaven knows there is probably a repressed-needs obstacle course in the mind of many a young INTP.

    Edit: I guess my major problem is, at a certain point, the truth needs to be acknowledged. Even by the repressed. Even by the young and immature. When does it end?
    What is the truth? It's an elusive creature.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  5. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    Ah, good thoughts...something to chew on.

    Heaven knows there is probably a repressed-needs obstacle course in the mind of many a young INTP.

    Edit: I guess my major problem is, at a certain point, the truth needs to be acknowledged. Even by the repressed. Even by the young and immature. When does it end?
    Also, consider this. That guy is stayed faithful for 8 fucking years. That's not your run-of-the-mill pussy-chasing dirtbag.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  6. #96
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    What is the truth? It's an elusive creature.
    I'm not getting into framing this is a million different ways to make excuses for someone who cheats. Some things DO need to be absolute. I'm not getting into a relationship with someone who is thinking, "I'm totally faithful to you. Unless a, b, or c happens, and then we will redefine what cheating really means in the context of our relationship." Most people can agree on what constitutes cheating. There may be a psychological reason for the cheating, but the consequences are usually the same. The emotional consequences for the other party don't alter because you can frame it in a bunch of different ways.

    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    Also, consider this. That guy is stayed faithful for 8 fucking years. That's not your run-of-the-mill pussy-chasing dirtbag.
    True. But if the new girl made him realize that his gf of 8 years was a nice girl but ultimately unsatisfying and unchallenging, he needs to finish that business first. Not have a fling and then reevaluate whether he wants to continue the emotionally altered relationship with the meh girl. Also, 8 years is a lot of time for the girlfriend to develop trust in him.

    Not saying he is a dirtbag, but I think he's doing a lot of justification and rationalization here, and not considering the depth of pain he is causing the gf.
    Something Witty

  7. #97
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    I'm not getting into framing this is a million different ways to make excuses for someone who cheats. Some things DO need to be absolute. I'm not getting into a relationship with someone who is thinking, "I'm totally faithful to you. Unless a, b, or c happens, and then we will redefine what cheating really means in the context of our relationship." Most people can agree on what constitutes cheating. There may be a psychological reason for the cheating, but the consequences are usually the same. The emotional consequences for the other party don't alter because you can frame it in a bunch of different ways.
    That's logical and I agree.

    True. But if the new girl made him realize that his gf of 8 years was a nice girl but ultimately unsatisfying and unchallenging, he needs to finish that business first. Not have a fling and then reevaluate whether he wants to continue the emotionally altered relationship with the meh girl. Also, 8 years is a lot of time for the girlfriend to develop trust in him.

    Not saying he is a dirtbag, but I think he's doing a lot of justification and rationalization here, and not considering the depth of pain he is causing the gf.
    That's true, too. But, he honestly sounds too young to really know what he's doing.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  8. #98
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    Also, consider this. That guy is stayed faithful for 8 fucking years.
    That was the claim.

    That's not your run-of-the-mill pussy-chasing dirtbag.
    That wasn't the point.


    I'm not in this to create an accurate "moral view" of this guy and decide whether he was justified, what pressures he was under, whether he could have done worse, yada yada yada. This isn't a psych profile and we're not therapists.

    The gist is that, if you do this shit, you're going to deep-six your relationship. It's also unfair to your partner. What, you think it matters if you say, "I was faithful eight years and only waited until now to have sex 3 times with someone I only met just once before, so you should cut me some slack... obviously I feel trapped but have never been able to say it!" Yeah. I'm sure that will keep everything from blowing up and preventing her from feeling devastated.

    The only rational thing for him to do, if he plans to continue this path, is talk to her about it.

    If what you say is true, they need to talk about it and decide why things have soured so much and decide together whether their relationship should continue. Maybe they NEED to break up, and this is the catalyst.

    If what you say is false, they need to talk about it so she has the ability to know what she's dealing with and decide whether SHE wants to continue.

    Pragmatically, that's what has to happen next, and if he doesn't talk to her, it's certainly not for her benefit, it's for his. Boo.

    Quote Originally Posted by Synarch View Post
    he honestly sounds too young to really know what he's doing.
    Then it's a good thing he posted here, so us old farts who already made the same mistakes can knock some sense into him.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #99
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    I've heard some far-out rationalizations in my time but this one is a classic.
    this

  10. #100
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by leonidas1986 View Post
    First post ( INTP )

    As the man said "Go on, enjoy yourself. Life is but a once-around". This wasn't a selfish act but a natural act.
    Interesting that your first post is a complete and unwarranted justification of your cheating. Sounds like you're just trying to convince yourself.

    Quote Originally Posted by leonidas1986 View Post
    INTP's need challenges and new experiences to keep them happy.
    Even more interesting...in order to maintain your "happiness" you have to destroy someone else's. If that isn't selfish, I don't know what is.

    A coward is what you are for not ENDING the relationship before engaging in something with someone else, and for not admitting to your MISTAKES.

    This is what I would love to see played out: You fall in love with the woman of your dreams. She is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Eventually, you're just not challenging enough for her. So she goes fucks some guy's brains out. According to your assumptions, you have no right to feel upset about it, because it was just a NATURAL thing right? RIGHT?

    Give me an effing break.

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