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Thread: NTs and love

  1. #51
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    a healthy romantic relationship is something happening between two adults. mutual respect is very important, as is good communication... and of course caring. it's important that there's space for the both different people in the union... and that there's space to grow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by spamtar View Post
    How were you defining love Jen?
    In a nutshell, probably as a commitment to care for someone regardless of whether I feel like it or not -- looking out for their best interests and doing what I can to help them be more them.

    Still, you can love someone that way and yet not have a physical attraction or want to spend your life with them.

    I have trouble defining the romantic aspect of love in terms of LTRs because obviously there is a LOT of variance there. Some people seem happy in relationships that others would be very unhappy in.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

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    Senior Member milkyway2's Avatar
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    I've been trying to figure out what love is. And for me, love is wanting to always be with that person. I'm pretty introverted. But I could spend all day every day with my BF and still want to see more of him and I miss him when I'm not with him.

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    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    That's the problem, it feels to me like throwing myself off a cliff or sticking my hand into a food disposal unit. The mind can try to override that, but even that defeats the purpose -- it's hard to remove the danger/wariness aspect of feeling like I'm on thin ice and could fall through at any time.

    (It gets easier with more practice, but still tends to linger.)

    Exactly. Even with practice and knowing I can let emotion lead at times...I have to push through that barrier going NO! STOP! Think head!
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

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    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    How can people say that love is a choice? It's something that has always baffled me :S
    As an extreme example: 25 years down the road when you wake up next to bad breath and have to dress that person and put them in a wheelchair, then go to work and interact with an incredibly sexy secretary all day long who makes it a point to let you know that you have "options" available to you, but you still go home to your wife without thinking twice about it. That's a choice.

    Take the wheelchair out of the equation if you want. If you wake up every day and make the decision - make the choice - to love someone no matter what comes your way, that's love IMO.

    The giddy feeling that we get when we're on cloud nine with someone, that is just one facet of love, but it has a tendency to fade over time. That flame of excitement and newness can be re-ignited if the couple chooses to keep things fresh and alive, but whenever I've truly loved someone, I've thought, "I'm going to make the choice to wake up and love this person today." The reason it is so clearly a choice to me, is because I know that I could choose to not love them on any given day if I wanted to. I can make choices that hurt them and that don't look out for their best interest. But, I choose to love them instead.

    /2 cents

  6. #56
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Oh, okay. I hope I will never need to make that choice, I think it would be better if I decide to do what you refer to in your post because I love the person - so, automatically, without a conscious choice on my part. I don't think I can choose not to love a person, either; at best, I can choose not to see them anymore, but that doesn't impact my feelings...
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  7. #57
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    yeah i don't think love is a choice. i think what you chose to do with it is....i don't know...not lovin the whole rationalization of emotion...seems to lessen it to me...but...i function differently.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
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  8. #58
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Koocoomoo View Post
    Okay,
    So all the thinker friends i have say that the phrase "how do you feel" usually doesn't apply to them.
    But love is a Feeling, an Emotion.
    And thinkers feel love for people (as far as I know..)

    I am desperate to understand the thinkers' approach on love and how it differs from the feelers'.
    Every PERSON seems to have fallen in love, most have been hurt at one point. And I've met many thinkers that say absolutely wonderful and romantic things about their loved one.
    So how does it differ (T vs. F)?
    I think most of it is the same though one person may fall a bit more quickly the other and the other needs to be coaxed along.

    Quote Originally Posted by yvonne View Post
    a healthy romantic relationship is something happening between two adults. mutual respect is very important, as is good communication... and of course caring. it's important that there's space for the both different people in the union... and that there's space to grow.
    Yes

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    In a nutshell, probably as a commitment to care for someone regardless of whether I feel like it or not -- looking out for their best interests and doing what I can to help them be more them.
    Yes there too

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Get thee behind us, Satan!!!

    Well, I see love as primarily an action and/or choice.

    However, a relationship that is all about conscious choice (which incorporates duty as well) and has no real emotional component for many people will be less fulfilling than one that also permits and encourages emotional engagement. I've been in a relationship where love was primarily a choice between both of us, and while there was stability and commitment, the lack of actual feeling/connection left us both really unhappy... and at that point love becomes a chore and not something more transcendent.

    I was always envious of what more emotionally directe]d people could become in a relationship, because I just couldn't really do it well no matter how hard I tried. I used to pick on sentimentalism as something "irrational" and silly, and later regretted it because it undermined the emotional parts of my relationships. I remember also making some very big goofs early in my marriage in terms of drawing a hard "T" line in order to encourage more independence in the relationship, all for good reasons .... then later regretted it because I realized I should have prioritized things differently.

    I think T tends to do this more easily, but I have F's in my family who are good at it as well. I think part of it is simply learning healthy boundaries, where you can engage when it's beneficial but know where to draw a line for yourself.

    That might be true. I am not sure. I know I personally really agree with your comment about "loving someone but not being compatible."

    I just really see "detachment" a key factor between T and F. T's typically pull away to get their bearings, to prevent their connections from "tainting" their decisions; F's typically move towards, to prevent distance from tainting their decisions.

    But emotions are emotions, and everyone has them.
    Does not sound fun

    Quote Originally Posted by yvonne View Post
    i think that my feelings are "childish"... it's like i usually don't let them show... i rarely complain, but when i do, i only open up to my so and hope that he would "take care of me"... sort of like hug and tell me it's going to be alright. i don't think he realizes how much it really means to me.

    being affectionate with my so is very important to me. i just feel so amazed that i am able to do that with someone. in the beginning of our relationship (after the first getting to know each other bit, when he always took the iniative) i used to ask him where he was going, even if he was just going to the other room

    he probably found me amusing then... but we had a lot of fun, too.
    Great! Like this

    Quote Originally Posted by groovejet02 View Post
    When I look back at my relationship, I don't think the way I loved was any different from most people, 'cept the fact that I was private about it and didn't really bother to explain to other people (people didn't realize the intensity I shared with my partner. I believed - and still do - that you don't need to convince others about how true your relationship is. It's me and you against the world, baby. Though I probably can attribute this to introversion). Did I love intensely? Yes, I did. Did I take my feelings and her feelings into consideration? Yes, I did. I also realized that I wasn't saccharine ... we didn't really do the flowers, chocolate, Hallmark cards, romantic dinner kind and all that. If I love you, you can guarantee that I pay 100% attention to what you say, will listen to you about your day, your fears and your ambitions. I will also take care of all your needs. I probably also show you all 100 sides of me while with other people I probably just show 2 and a half.

    Bottom line: being in love made me a better person. It softened my Ti. I didn't judge as quickly, I was more easily to forgive, it was so easy for me to be vulnerable and and I didn't really care that at times you were irrational, because I was too.
    Sounds Great!

    Quote Originally Posted by milkyway2 View Post
    I've been trying to figure out what love is. And for me, love is wanting to always be with that person. I'm pretty introverted. But I could spend all day every day with my BF and still want to see more of him and I miss him when I'm not with him.
    How long do you think that lasts?

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  9. #59
    Senior Member hilo's Avatar
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    I don't think love is any different in character for NTs versus other types, it's how they act on the feelings that is clearly different. I have fallen hard for three people in my life, and I can agree that falling in love for me was both exhilerating and completely insanely nerve-wracking - because your mind just has to let the emotions drive for a while, without being a backseat driver (unless you want to ruin it). I really don't think there's any "choice" about it at all, though there are choices that will affect how you feel in the future - for instance, if you consistently dwell on the negative things I think this can affect your emotional state, and lessen your feelings.

    For long-term love I think you'll find differences between the different NT subtypes. I am very demonstrative - it's an important aspect to me that I SHOW that I love someone, not just say and feel it. For my INTJ SO, there is very little direct (for no other purpose) showing of any kind but I know it's in there based on his actions which affect me.
    I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
    - Umberto Eco

    INTP e9 (sx/so/sp)
    Ti = Ne (41.3) > Si (31.2) ~ Ni (31.1) ~ Te (30.1) > Se (24.1) >> Fe (21) & Fi (20.1)

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    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    Oh, okay. I hope I will never need to make that choice, I think it would be better if I decide to do what you refer to in your post because I love the person - so, automatically, without a conscious choice on my part. I don't think I can choose not to love a person, either; at best, I can choose not to see them anymore, but that doesn't impact my feelings...
    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    yeah i don't think love is a choice. i think what you chose to do with it is....i don't know...not lovin the whole rationalization of emotion...seems to lessen it to me...but...i function differently.
    Yeah, I guess I see what you guys are saying. But, I do know that people make the choice every single day in this world to not love. Someone cheats on their spouse (or gf/bf), for example. It happens all the time. And when the person gets caught it's, "I love you. I really do. I love you, but (insert lame excuse - the reason doesn't really matter, the damage is done)". They say they loved the person but they literally made a choice not to love that person. I think we've all probably had our moments of hurting someone we cared about so it's not about pointing fingers. I'm just saying, we can definitely make a choice to not love someone.

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