Well, I see love as primarily an action and/or choice.
However, a relationship that is all about conscious choice (which incorporates duty as well) and has no real emotional component for many people will be less fulfilling than one that also permits and encourages emotional engagement. I've been in a relationship where love was primarily a choice between both of us, and while there was stability and commitment, the lack of actual feeling/connection left us both really unhappy... and at that point love becomes a chore and not something more transcendent.
I think T tends to do this more easily, but I have F's in my family who are good at it as well. I think part of it is simply learning healthy boundaries, where you can engage when it's beneficial but know where to draw a line for yourself.There is a person in my family who constantly gets himself in financial difficulties and who is constantly needing family members to bail him out. The F's in the family (out of love) are always bailing him out - time and time again (wouldn't want him to end up on the streets). He can count on them to bail him out. Sometimes they even forgive his debts too. "I love you and I just want you to start with a clean slate. You don't owe me anything."
A couple of T's in the family have bailed the person out like 2 or 3 times, but quickly cut him off after he failed to pay them back in short order. Another T (ENTP), has blatantly said to his face, "Because I love you, I will not enable you. If you want to hang out and talk, give me a ring. But, if you're calling to borrow money, don't bother. It's not going to happen. You need to grow up and learn to take care of yourself and your own finances and I absolutely will not be one to enable you. I'll still love you and we'll still be family. But, you will not do to me what you've done to them."
An ISTJ has basically just made it known how much he despises being asked to borrow money. He hasn't said it in plain words, but the person knows it makes the ISTJ's skin crawl, so he doesn't ask. An ESTJ helped a few times, but then lashed out and said, "Enough is enough. I'm not a bank." And rest assured, the ESTJ keeps a running tab of the debt.
I know for a fact that these 3 T's (and other T's in the family) love this person very much. But that love doesn't extend to the point of being used and abused. There comes a point where the T will cut someone off (and yet still love them).
That might be true. I am not sure. I know I personally really agree with your comment about "loving someone but not being compatible."Another example is this: I've been in relationships where feelings progressed as time went on, but it was still the "dating stage". Dating, to me, is enjoying someone's company while figuring out if we are compatible. I have had to say, on more than one occasion, "I do love you, but I don't think we are compatible." The two things are different. And I really did love them. It was extremely difficult to let them go. It hurt. Just like it would hurt an F, I assume. But, it was still the correct long-term decision because I don't want to be miserable in 20 years - and I don't want them to be miserable either. Because I don't want to be miserable, I'm able to make that distinction. I do love you, but it's not going to work. I think that whole situation (love and compatibility) gets kind of fuzzy for the F's. It blends together. F's are more prone to say, "I love you and so we'll make it work". Or, "I love you so I'll stick by you even though you continually hurt me."
I just really see "detachment" a key factor between T and F. T's typically pull away to get their bearings, to prevent their connections from "tainting" their decisions; F's typically move towards, to prevent distance from tainting their decisions.
But emotions are emotions, and everyone has them.