User Tag List

First 23456 Last

Results 31 to 40 of 61

Thread: NTs and love

  1. #31
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    ... But if the moment is right, sweet sweet things can be said that would make even a NF feel nauseous, in a good way.
    Get thee behind us, Satan!!!

    ....

    Well, I see love as primarily an action and/or choice.

    However, a relationship that is all about conscious choice (which incorporates duty as well) and has no real emotional component for many people will be less fulfilling than one that also permits and encourages emotional engagement. I've been in a relationship where love was primarily a choice between both of us, and while there was stability and commitment, the lack of actual feeling/connection left us both really unhappy... and at that point love becomes a chore and not something more transcendent.

    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    I can say that I "feel" love for people. As you mention, I've been in love and gotten hurt and it doesn't feel good. At all.

    Although I've never thought of it like this before, some people in this thread have mentioned that T's are able to "detach" from it more easily and not let it make decisions for them. And that's kind of what it's like. We still think "rationally" in the midst of love. Well, I'm sure even T's have done some irrational things for love (I have) but, relative to F's, we make "rational" decisions. I won't even say that we make "better" decisions. I believe sometimes showing compassion can be a wonderful thing.
    I was always envious of what more emotionally directed people could become in a relationship, because I just couldn't really do it well no matter how hard I tried. I used to pick on sentimentalism as something "irrational" and silly, and later regretted it because it undermined the emotional parts of my relationships. I remember also making some very big goofs early in my marriage in terms of drawing a hard "T" line in order to encourage more independence in the relationship, all for good reasons .... then later regretted it because I realized I should have prioritized things differently.

    There is a person in my family who constantly gets himself in financial difficulties and who is constantly needing family members to bail him out. The F's in the family (out of love) are always bailing him out - time and time again (wouldn't want him to end up on the streets). He can count on them to bail him out. Sometimes they even forgive his debts too. "I love you and I just want you to start with a clean slate. You don't owe me anything."

    A couple of T's in the family have bailed the person out like 2 or 3 times, but quickly cut him off after he failed to pay them back in short order. Another T (ENTP), has blatantly said to his face, "Because I love you, I will not enable you. If you want to hang out and talk, give me a ring. But, if you're calling to borrow money, don't bother. It's not going to happen. You need to grow up and learn to take care of yourself and your own finances and I absolutely will not be one to enable you. I'll still love you and we'll still be family. But, you will not do to me what you've done to them."

    An ISTJ has basically just made it known how much he despises being asked to borrow money. He hasn't said it in plain words, but the person knows it makes the ISTJ's skin crawl, so he doesn't ask. An ESTJ helped a few times, but then lashed out and said, "Enough is enough. I'm not a bank." And rest assured, the ESTJ keeps a running tab of the debt.

    I know for a fact that these 3 T's (and other T's in the family) love this person very much. But that love doesn't extend to the point of being used and abused. There comes a point where the T will cut someone off (and yet still love them).
    I think T tends to do this more easily, but I have F's in my family who are good at it as well. I think part of it is simply learning healthy boundaries, where you can engage when it's beneficial but know where to draw a line for yourself.

    Another example is this: I've been in relationships where feelings progressed as time went on, but it was still the "dating stage". Dating, to me, is enjoying someone's company while figuring out if we are compatible. I have had to say, on more than one occasion, "I do love you, but I don't think we are compatible." The two things are different. And I really did love them. It was extremely difficult to let them go. It hurt. Just like it would hurt an F, I assume. But, it was still the correct long-term decision because I don't want to be miserable in 20 years - and I don't want them to be miserable either. Because I don't want to be miserable, I'm able to make that distinction. I do love you, but it's not going to work. I think that whole situation (love and compatibility) gets kind of fuzzy for the F's. It blends together. F's are more prone to say, "I love you and so we'll make it work". Or, "I love you so I'll stick by you even though you continually hurt me."
    That might be true. I am not sure. I know I personally really agree with your comment about "loving someone but not being compatible."

    I just really see "detachment" a key factor between T and F. T's typically pull away to get their bearings, to prevent their connections from "tainting" their decisions; F's typically move towards, to prevent distance from tainting their decisions.

    But emotions are emotions, and everyone has them.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  2. #32
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    1,702

    Default

    Although this might sound weird... I think my love is more pure than most NFs

    I feel comfortable around NTs, like they wont hurt me, NFs seem to put me on edge... really the best way I can explain it right now

  3. #33
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    MBTI
    INfP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Posts
    564

    Default

    i think that my feelings are "childish"... it's like i usually don't let them show... i rarely complain, but when i do, i only open up to my so and hope that he would "take care of me"... sort of like hug and tell me it's going to be alright. i don't think he realizes how much it really means to me.

    being affectionate with my so is very important to me. i just feel so amazed that i am able to do that with someone. in the beginning of our relationship (after the first getting to know each other bit, when he always took the iniative) i used to ask him where he was going, even if he was just going to the other room

    he probably found me amusing then... but we had a lot of fun, too.

  4. #34
    Black Magic Buzzard Kra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    912

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    yikes...does it make you happy?
    For an NT and their tailored preferences, I'd wager that it's healthy. Personally, it works as well as can be expected for me.

    Let's just say that my "feelings" are not very capable of producing positive results, and I've given them ample opportunity in the past. The problem with that approach for me, is that feelings only seem to dwell on themselves, whereas rationality tries to take in the whole picture.

    I prefer to, as Raging said, let my feelings be a motivator, and my rationality be my executor. Emotions tell Logic what they want, Logic then proceeds to find the best way to get that for them. It seems to be much a more active approach than to let either of them just run the show exclusively.
    Function Activity:
    Ni > Te > Ti = Fi > Ne > Si = Fe > Se

  5. #35
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    MBTI
    INfP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Posts
    564

    Default

    i think there's a difference in being avoidant and being rational, though. that's where i stumbled before. if you're being avoidant, it'll just bite you back in the end... and actually then you really might end up being controlled by your emotions. if you're being rational, you accept your feelings and try and find good solutions to situations.

  6. #36
    Senior Member groovejet02's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5
    Posts
    199

    Default

    When I look back at my relationship, I don't think the way I loved was any different from most people, 'cept the fact that I was private about it and didn't really bother to explain to other people (people didn't realize the intensity I shared with my partner. I believed - and still do - that you don't need to convince others about how true your relationship is. It's me and you against the world, baby. Though I probably can attribute this to introversion). Did I love intensely? Yes, I did. Did I take my feelings and her feelings into consideration? Yes, I did. I also realized that I wasn't saccharine ... we didn't really do the flowers, chocolate, Hallmark cards, romantic dinner kind and all that. If I love you, you can guarantee that I pay 100% attention to what you say, will listen to you about your day, your fears and your ambitions. I will also take care of all your needs. I probably also show you all 100 sides of me while with other people I probably just show 2 and a half.

    Bottom line: being in love made me a better person. It softened my Ti. I didn't judge as quickly, I was more easily to forgive, it was so easy for me to be vulnerable and and I didn't really care that at times you were irrational, because I was too.

  7. #37
    brainheart
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by bcvcdc View Post
    Take Effexor. It'll fix ya right up.
    Actually, I'm on mood stabilizers now so it's not as much of an issue as it used to be. (Not sure if you were being tongue-in-cheek or giving honest advice.)

    I'm kind of thinking maybe I put up too much of a 'dry' image of myself, btw. Of course I feel when happy, I just (as someone mentioned) have a hard time putting a finger on it/articulating it, or it just feels more like being at peace than anything... feeling 'chill', I guess.

    Another thing I do, I listen to music, read fiction, watch films that help me to articulate what I'm feeling. Unfortunately, however, sometimes I latch onto a feeling in one of those mediums- convinced that it's my own- when it really isn't, and then I kind of make it my reality. It can be the overanalyzing, but with flawed results, which is something I believe thinkers can do- our analysis doesn't always give us the correct answers!

  8. #38
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    MBTI
    INfP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Posts
    564

    Default

    Bottom line: being in love made me a better person. It softened my Ti. I didn't judge as quickly, I was more easily to forgive, and I didn't really care that at times you were irrational, because I was too.
    yes, i feel like this, also.

  9. #39
    brainheart
    Guest

    Default

    +1. This thread is excellent. So much good insight.

  10. #40
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    i would be happier letting my feelings guide me. if something about the situation was indeed a problem in the future then my feelings would change and dictate a new direction.
    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    I don't think a lot of NT's are fully capable of this. I'm not.
    That's the problem, it feels to me like throwing myself off a cliff or sticking my hand into a food disposal unit. The mind can try to override that, but even that defeats the purpose -- it's hard to remove the danger/wariness aspect of feeling like I'm on thin ice and could fall through at any time.

    (It gets easier with more practice, but still tends to linger.)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

Similar Threads

  1. [NT] NTs and love
    By Virtual ghost in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 60
    Last Post: 04-15-2010, 01:46 PM
  2. [NT] NT's and Love Triangles
    By indiajones in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 11-09-2009, 08:23 PM
  3. [NT] NT's and Love?
    By Mondo in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 44
    Last Post: 08-03-2008, 01:36 AM
  4. [NT] NTs and Concentration
    By Varelse in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 05-23-2007, 01:17 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO