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Thread: NTs and love

  1. #11
    Pumpernickel
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    Quote Originally Posted by Koocoomoo View Post
    Okay,
    So all the thinker friends i have say that the phrase "how do you feel" usually doesn't apply to them.
    Happens all the time.. my Fi dom friend always asks me how I feel about something.. and I reply.. ""I THINK it is a good idea"...

  2. #12
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    NTs feel too, but they don't always act on it depending on the logistics, probability of it working out, etc. They just have a different layer. But if the moment is right, sweet sweet things can be said that would make even a NF feel nauseous, in a good way.
    exactly.

  3. #13
    Priestess Of Syrinx Katsuni's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by brainheart View Post
    EDIT: Oh yeah, that 'how do you feel' question has always thrown me off. I just always assumed everyone says 'fine' because it's a formality or something, and if you answer it differently than fine, you're just being a drama queen or looking for attention. If anything, that question just irritates me, because... I don't know... it's not something with a clear answer.
    Know whot really throws people off? When yeu don't say 'fine', and actually say the truth.

    People just don't know how to react when yeu mention "mostly alright, I guess, but kinda bleh."

    Either they interrogate yeu, or are lost and confused on whot to do XD

  4. #14
    Listening Oaky's Avatar
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    I feel. Feelings are just not my preferred choice in decision making. Feelings are a motivator. They don't make my decisions but can help make me stronger in what I do. If, however, my feelings contradict my decision I will disregard it as then it becomes something that pulls me back.

    As far as love plays in it, it is mutual therefore it must be received and given. I cannot willingly give love to someone who will not willingly give it back. I see love as a different dimension altogether where I apply different rules in a different world. It's not easy to use logic in such a situation and it can go against my own comprehension.

  5. #15
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    Katsuni:^ Yeah, I don't think I usually say, 'fine', in all honesty. I think I say, "Oh, you know, whatever." I mean, that's typically as precise as I can be about it.

  6. #16
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Koocoomoo View Post
    Okay,
    So all the thinker friends i have say that the phrase "how do you feel" usually doesn't apply to them.
    But love is a Feeling, an Emotion.
    And thinkers feel love for people (as far as I know..)

    I am desperate to understand the thinkers' approach on love and how it differs from the feelers'.
    Every PERSON seems to have fallen in love, most have been hurt at one point. And I've met many thinkers that say absolutely wonderful and romantic things about their loved one.
    So how does it differ (T vs. F)?
    I can say that I "feel" love for people. As you mention, I've been in love and gotten hurt and it doesn't feel good. At all.

    Although I've never thought of it like this before, some people in this thread have mentioned that T's are able to "detach" from it more easily and not let it make decisions for them. And that's kind of what it's like. We still think "rationally" in the midst of love. Well, I'm sure even T's have done some irrational things for love (I have) but, relative to F's, we make "rational" decisions. I won't even say that we make "better" decisions. I believe sometimes showing compassion can be a wonderful thing.

    There is a person in my family who constantly gets himself in financial difficulties and who is constantly needing family members to bail him out. The F's in the family (out of love) are always bailing him out - time and time again (wouldn't want him to end up on the streets). He can count on them to bail him out. Sometimes they even forgive his debts too. "I love you and I just want you to start with a clean slate. You don't owe me anything."

    A couple of T's in the family have bailed the person out like 2 or 3 times, but quickly cut him off after he failed to pay them back in short order. Another T (ENTP), has blatantly said to his face, "Because I love you, I will not enable you. If you want to hang out and talk, give me a ring. But, if you're calling to borrow money, don't bother. It's not going to happen. You need to grow up and learn to take care of yourself and your own finances and I absolutely will not be one to enable you. I'll still love you and we'll still be family. But, you will not do to me what you've done to them."

    An ISTJ has basically just made it known how much he despises being asked to borrow money. He hasn't said it in plain words, but the person knows it makes the ISTJ's skin crawl, so he doesn't ask. An ESTJ helped a few times, but then lashed out and said, "Enough is enough. I'm not a bank." And rest assured, the ESTJ keeps a running tab of the debt.

    I know for a fact that these 3 T's (and other T's in the family) love this person very much. But that love doesn't extend to the point of being used and abused. There comes a point where the T will cut someone off (and yet still love them).

    Another example is this: I've been in relationships where feelings progressed as time went on, but it was still the "dating stage". Dating, to me, is enjoying someone's company while figuring out if we are compatible. I have had to say, on more than one occasion, "I do love you, but I don't think we are compatible." The two things are different. And I really did love them. It was extremely difficult to let them go. It hurt. Just like it would hurt an F, I assume. But, it was still the correct long-term decision because I don't want to be miserable in 20 years - and I don't want them to be miserable either. Because I don't want to be miserable, I'm able to make that distinction. I do love you, but it's not going to work. I think that whole situation (love and compatibility) gets kind of fuzzy for the F's. It blends together. F's are more prone to say, "I love you and so we'll make it work". Or, "I love you so I'll stick by you even though you continually hurt me."

    For a T, if someone hurts us once, we might suck it up. If it starts to become a trend, however, we're able to detach from the love we feel and look at the situation objectively and make a rational decision to cut the harmful ties or do whatever needs to be done in order to keep things "clean", for lack of a better word. We don't want things to get ugly and tangled. Love for F's is often very tangled and messy, at least that's how it has seemed from my perspective. It seems to be more of an "anything goes" approach.

    One SF in the family who always bails this person out is extremely loyal, but out of love she allows things to get "tangled" and "messy". The ESTJ, ENTP, and ISTJ are every bit as loyal as the SF, they just choose to keep it "clean" - they're not afraid to cut those ties. It has nothing to do with love.

  7. #17
    HUZZAH! Bougal's Avatar
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    I am capable of feeling things fairly deeply, but I do tend to place my head above my heart and over-analyze most of those feelings. I love a lot of people, but that love is more of a rational decision to treat them in a specific manor than an emotional connection and drive toward our relationship. For me, loving others is a way that I attempt to live my life - I try to be patient, kind, self-sacrificing and forgiving with the people I come in contact with.

    If you were questioning about romantic relationships, I can usually tell if there is potential for a relationship fairly quickly, but it takes quite a while for me to be convinced that they are worth the time commitment for a relationship.


    Ne > Ni > Ti > Fi > Te> Fe > Se > Si

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    "How do you feel" always applies to me. Just like any person I always have a mental and physical state that this question can apply to. The difference, I think, is that I don't really let my emotions decide what I do or how I do it.
    Same here.

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aramis View Post
    Same here.

    I don't think a NT's feelings of love differ from a feeler's, just that a NT will likely over-analyze their feelings before acting on them. Usually, that means doubting their feelings more than a feeler would. This is why an NT may say "how do you feel" doesn't really apply to them because they may be comparing themselves to the feelers around them, as well. A NT's feelings do not guide a decision as often as it would for a feeler.

    Rebe is right. A NT will think about all the possible factors (for success/failure, etc.) before acting on the feelings. In my experience, it translates into a lot of inaction because I've dissected the feelings to the point of utter-detachment. Doesn't matter how much I initially "loved" the person, I will argue myself out of a budding relationship (or, even a relationship that's already in place) if given enough reasons to do so.
    yikes...does it make you happy?
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
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  10. #20
    sammy
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    yikes...does it make you happy?
    Does my over-analyzing-inaction not make me happy?

    I would rather over-analyze my feelings to prevent continuing a relationship with little potential for a decent future. And, I'd rather not take action with someone if I can think beforehand whether my feelings for them should lead me to staying friends/acquaintances with them, or to take it to the next level. Inaction typically means I've determined my feelings to not be a strong enough influence to aid my decision.

    I say all this as if it's something I do completely consciously, however I don't usually sit and analyze on purpose. It's just what I do, what comes naturally for me.

    Happiness based on a false situation would definitely cause me unnecessary pain later on when I have to end the relationship because it wasn't going somewhere healthy/good/productive/desirable.

    What about my approach would make you feel unhappy? /curious.

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