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  1. #21
    Senior Member tinkerbell's Avatar
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    that people with lack of empathy can be very emo distructive (either deliberately or not), hence my concern. There is an element that he is not ye old snuggly bloke which is dealable with, IF he is not destructive in his lack of empathy... if however he is then it's simply not worth the effort.

    I'm not at all sure I'm not just reading too much into a bit of a rocky start, or I am genuinely getting the vibe of my N is telling me that this one is like a cup cake with icing... the icing looks good but is really not good for you....... (bad analogy(

  2. #22
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinkerbell View Post
    that people with lack of empathy can be very emo distructive (either deliberately or not), hence my concern. There is an element that he is not ye old snuggly bloke which is dealable with, IF he is not destructive in his lack of empathy... if however he is then it's simply not worth the effort.

    I'm not at all sure I'm not just reading too much into a bit of a rocky start, or I am genuinely getting the vibe of my N is telling me that this one is like a cup cake with icing... the icing looks good but is really not good for you....... (bad analogy(
    I think that is something you can only find out through experience with him. If so far he has shown no clear signs of harm, then I'd say so far he is in the clear. But if you're afraid to commit for what he might be, then I think it will probably be hard for you to commit to anyone. Even the people that present themselves the best and seem all dream prince like, can have that side burried in them that can show up later on.

    I think this is the proverbial 'dive into the deep' what people talk about about beginning relationships.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  3. #23
    psicobolche tcda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinkerbell View Post
    Hey

    I've been online dating (or should I say online filtering - as I've not been on many date)

    Anyways, I met a guy who I beleive it probaly and INTJ... and it's pretty early days.... He was a bit off with me about 3 or 4 conversations in, and my intuition flagged that even though he was off with me, at no point in the 3 or 4 conversation did he talk about me, ask questions or generally make any connecting type conversation, wich freaked me out a bit.

    I met up with him since then and I picked up that he doens't really have many relationships, that he has never been in love excpet after the realtionships had finished, and that he tended to be more inclined to date etc. I kind of got the impression he was not the most empathetic/emotional person.

    The lack of empathy worries me... Is it always a really bad thing, or is he just an INTJ at the begining of getting to know someone?

    I may be other thinking but to me NPD has roots in lack of empathy but also aspergers (which I thought about because he doens't seem to be trying to leaverage supply from me... he makes good eye contact etc so I didn't think so). He is super bright and can tell you evry tiny detail of the conversation you had with him...

    Thoughts, should I run for the hills or treat as an INTJ and see if he can break his lack of empathy???
    Not trying to be abrasive, but next to all the bad things, the only good things mentioned are that he's "bright" and "high-flying".

    But my point is, that the "good things" about him are obviously a consequence of the "bad" - he's obviously used his intelligence to look out for number 1 and stay detached and calculating in life. So why would he be any different in a relationship? I guess you can't have your cake and eat it.
    "Of course we spent our money in the good times. That's what you're supposed to do in good times! You can't save money in the good times. Then they wouldn't be good times, they'd be 'preparation for the bad times' times."

    "Every country in the world owes money. Everyone. So heere's what I dont get: who do they all owe it to, and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?"

    -Tommy Tiernan, Irish comedian.

  4. #24
    Senior Member tinkerbell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    I think that is something you can only find out through experience with him. If so far he has shown no clear signs of harm, then I'd say so far he is in the clear. But if you're afraid to commit for what he might be, then I think it will probably be hard for you to commit to anyone. Even the people that present themselves the best and seem all dream prince like, can have that side burried in them that can show up later on.

    I think this is the proverbial 'dive into the deep' what people talk about about beginning relationships.

    Maybe, I could be sabotaging something that could be good, maybe I need to sulk and see a while... he is just SO different from the fawnign over you thing. Maybe I'll give him a date or two and see

  5. #25
    Senior Member tinkerbell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tcda View Post
    Not trying to be abrasive, but next to all the bad things, the only good things mentioned are that he's "bright" and "high-flying".

    But my point is, that the "good things" about him are obviously a consequence of the "bad" - he's obviously used his intelligence to look out for number 1 and stay detached and calculating in life. So why would he be any different in a relationship? I guess you can't have your cake and eat it.
    yea this is also true, you know they are not always mutuall exclusive... there are some people who do well without being destructive.

    I may be overly reading the situation, I may be overly freaking out and all sorts.... or I may be SPOT on and he has serious issue... eeek where's dem hills. I guess benefit of the doubt is just to sulk and see

  6. #26
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinkerbell View Post
    that people with lack of empathy can be very emo distructive (either deliberately or not), hence my concern. There is an element that he is not ye old snuggly bloke which is dealable with, IF he is not destructive in his lack of empathy... if however he is then it's simply not worth the effort.

    I'm not at all sure I'm not just reading too much into a bit of a rocky start, or I am genuinely getting the vibe of my N is telling me that this one is like a cup cake with icing... the icing looks good but is really not good for you....... (bad analogy(

    In that case I doubt he is worth so many risks . I mean you don't sound that much desperate to me.


    As for lack of empathy= bad person thing , that is a stereotype (that is often correct but not always)


    On the other hand I am not sure that I want to be with someone that is afraid of me of afraid that I am going to harm her in a capital way just because I felt like it. (don't overlook this component of the equation)

  7. #27
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Yeah I think you are looking for NPD because you've dealt with it before. Don't do that to him, what if he was looking for some disorder in you instead of just looking at you for who you are?

    Look at him, what he gives you. Is it good?

  8. #28
    psicobolche tcda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinkerbell View Post
    yea this is also true, you know they are not always mutuall exclusive... there are some people who do well without being destructive.

    I may be overly reading the situation, I may be overly freaking out and all sorts.... or I may be SPOT on and he has serious issue... eeek where's dem hills. I guess benefit of the doubt is just to sulk and see
    I guess...I mean, if you're only worried about him being actively destructive, I suppose other people have already dealt with that issue...I certainly come across unempathetic 99% of the time, so do many NT's, but very few of us are actively emotionally destructive...and many very seemingly "empathetic" people, can be very emotionally desctructive...

    I just meant it in the broader sense, that, he probably generally doesn't care very much about others. but if that doesn't bother you then I guess that's an irrelevant point for me to make. Personally I wouldn't be friends with him but luckily it's you dating him not me.
    "Of course we spent our money in the good times. That's what you're supposed to do in good times! You can't save money in the good times. Then they wouldn't be good times, they'd be 'preparation for the bad times' times."

    "Every country in the world owes money. Everyone. So heere's what I dont get: who do they all owe it to, and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?"

    -Tommy Tiernan, Irish comedian.

  9. #29
    Senior Member tinkerbell's Avatar
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    thanks for that TCDA.... yea, Im only thinking about dating him.

    Guys I do know I could be over emphaisising the issue, and or pickign at the spots of the past. I think the best idea is to see him a couple of times, and if he is still triggering off my N into alarm bells I wont pursue....

    GRIN bear it, I reall do know it could be in my head and I'm just knee jerking. He is pretty cute and we have some stuff in comon. He isn't in a great space so that wont be helping either

    To all about, I really appreciate your input, I can be a bit crap at standing by my guns or overly standign by them

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinkerbell View Post
    Maybe, I could be sabotaging something that could be good, maybe I need to sulk and see a while... he is just SO different from the fawnign over you thing. Maybe I'll give him a date or two and see
    I never understood why people wanted to be fawned over. It seems rather odd to me.
    Doorknob: Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction.
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