[INTJ] INTJ or run for the hills....

[tinkerbell]

that people with lack of empathy can be very emo distructive (either deliberately or not), hence my concern. There is an element that he is not ye old snuggly bloke which is dealable with, IF he is not destructive in his lack of empathy... if however he is then it's simply not worth the effort.

I'm not at all sure I'm not just reading too much into a bit of a rocky start, or I am genuinely getting the vibe of my N is telling me that this one is like a cup cake with icing... the icing looks good but is really not good for you....... (bad analogy(

 

[Fluffywolf]

that people with lack of empathy can be very emo distructive (either deliberately or not), hence my concern. There is an element that he is not ye old snuggly bloke which is dealable with, IF he is not destructive in his lack of empathy... if however he is then it's simply not worth the effort.

I'm not at all sure I'm not just reading too much into a bit of a rocky start, or I am genuinely getting the vibe of my N is telling me that this one is like a cup cake with icing... the icing looks good but is really not good for you....... (bad analogy(

I think that is something you can only find out through experience with him. If so far he has shown no clear signs of harm, then I'd say so far he is in the clear. But if you're afraid to commit for what he might be, then I think it will probably be hard for you to commit to anyone. Even the people that present themselves the best and seem all dream prince like, can have that side burried in them that can show up later on.

I think this is the proverbial 'dive into the deep' what people talk about about beginning relationships.

 

[tcda]

Hey

I've been online dating (or should I say online filtering - as I've not been on many date)

Anyways, I met a guy who I beleive it probaly and INTJ... and it's pretty early days.... He was a bit off with me about 3 or 4 conversations in, and my intuition flagged that even though he was off with me, at no point in the 3 or 4 conversation did he talk about me, ask questions or generally make any connecting type conversation, wich freaked me out a bit.

I met up with him since then and I picked up that he doens't really have many relationships, that he has never been in love excpet after the realtionships had finished, and that he tended to be more inclined to date etc. I kind of got the impression he was not the most empathetic/emotional person.

The lack of empathy worries me... Is it always a really bad thing, or is he just an INTJ at the begining of getting to know someone?

I may be other thinking but to me NPD has roots in lack of empathy but also aspergers (which I thought about because he doens't seem to be trying to leaverage supply from me... he makes good eye contact etc so I didn't think so). He is super bright and can tell you evry tiny detail of the conversation you had with him...

Thoughts, should I run for the hills or treat as an INTJ and see if he can break his lack of empathy???

Not trying to be abrasive, but next to all the bad things, the only good things mentioned are that he's "bright" and "high-flying".

But my point is, that the "good things" about him are obviously a consequence of the "bad" - he's obviously used his intelligence to look out for number 1 and stay detached and calculating in life. So why would he be any different in a relationship? I guess you can't have your cake and eat it.

 

[tinkerbell]

I think that is something you can only find out through experience with him. If so far he has shown no clear signs of harm, then I'd say so far he is in the clear. But if you're afraid to commit for what he might be, then I think it will probably be hard for you to commit to anyone. Even the people that present themselves the best and seem all dream prince like, can have that side burried in them that can show up later on.

I think this is the proverbial 'dive into the deep' what people talk about about beginning relationships.

Maybe, I could be sabotaging something that could be good, maybe I need to sulk and see a while... he is just SO different from the fawnign over you thing. Maybe I'll give him a date or two and see

 

[tinkerbell]

Not trying to be abrasive, but next to all the bad things, the only good things mentioned are that he's "bright" and "high-flying".

But my point is, that the "good things" about him are obviously a consequence of the "bad" - he's obviously used his intelligence to look out for number 1 and stay detached and calculating in life. So why would he be any different in a relationship? I guess you can't have your cake and eat it.

yea this is also true, you know they are not always mutuall exclusive... there are some people who do well without being destructive.

I may be overly reading the situation, I may be overly freaking out and all sorts.... or I may be SPOT on and he has serious issue... eeek where's dem hills. I guess benefit of the doubt is just to sulk and see

 

[Virtual ghost]

that people with lack of empathy can be very emo distructive (either deliberately or not), hence my concern. There is an element that he is not ye old snuggly bloke which is dealable with, IF he is not destructive in his lack of empathy... if however he is then it's simply not worth the effort.

I'm not at all sure I'm not just reading too much into a bit of a rocky start, or I am genuinely getting the vibe of my N is telling me that this one is like a cup cake with icing... the icing looks good but is really not good for you....... (bad analogy(

In that case I doubt he is worth so many risks . I mean you don't sound that much desperate to me.


As for lack of empathy= bad person thing , that is a stereotype (that is often correct but not always)


On the other hand I am not sure that I want to be with someone that is afraid of me of afraid that I am going to harm her in a capital way just because I felt like it. (don't overlook this component of the equation)

 

[Laurie]

Yeah I think you are looking for NPD because you've dealt with it before. Don't do that to him, what if he was looking for some disorder in you instead of just looking at you for who you are?

Look at him, what he gives you. Is it good?

 

[tcda]

yea this is also true, you know they are not always mutuall exclusive... there are some people who do well without being destructive.

I may be overly reading the situation, I may be overly freaking out and all sorts.... or I may be SPOT on and he has serious issue... eeek where's dem hills. I guess benefit of the doubt is just to sulk and see

I guess...I mean, if you're only worried about him being actively destructive, I suppose other people have already dealt with that issue...I certainly come across unempathetic 99% of the time, so do many NT's, but very few of us are actively emotionally destructive...and many very seemingly "empathetic" people, can be very emotionally desctructive...

I just meant it in the broader sense, that, he probably generally doesn't care very much about others. but if that doesn't bother you then I guess that's an irrelevant point for me to make. Personally I wouldn't be friends with him but luckily it's you dating him not me.

 

[tinkerbell]

thanks for that TCDA.... yea, Im only thinking about dating him.

Guys I do know I could be over emphaisising the issue, and or pickign at the spots of the past. I think the best idea is to see him a couple of times, and if he is still triggering off my N into alarm bells I wont pursue....

GRIN bear it, I reall do know it could be in my head and I'm just knee jerking. He is pretty cute and we have some stuff in comon. He isn't in a great space so that wont be helping either

To all about, I really appreciate your input, I can be a bit crap at standing by my guns or overly standign by them

 

[Oddly Refined]

Maybe, I could be sabotaging something that could be good, maybe I need to sulk and see a while... he is just SO different from the fawnign over you thing. Maybe I'll give him a date or two and see

I never understood why people wanted to be fawned over. It seems rather odd to me.

 

[Thursday]

I think by rationalizing your intuition - you are ignoring it.
If it was your intuition and not fear, then I say entertain him not.

 

[tinkerbell]

I never understood why people wanted to be fawned over. It seems rather odd to me.

I'm not into the fawning thing myself, but it is prety normal behaviour, guys want to impress, feel they ahve done the hunter gather thing... fawing appears to be part of that

 

[tinkerbell]

I think by rationalizing your intuition - you are ignoring it.
If it was your intuition and not fear, then I say entertain him not.

Yea I'm very consious of that.... I think I need to give him a couple of dates and see if my N relaxes with him or not... and then be really strong about showing him the door and not getting sulked in

 

[ThatGirl]

Despite popular belief, INTJs aren't actually retarded. I say if anyone displays these characteristics, run for the hills.

 

[tinkerbell]

Despite popular belief, INTJs aren't actually retarded. I say if anyone displays these characteristics, run for the hills.

I wasn't implying INTJ's are retarded, simply they are more emotionally reserved than almost everyone else is all.

But I do here your vote for the hills. If I survive two more dates and he is less of a basket case I will stop if not - hills here I come

 

[Oddly Refined]

I'm not into the fawning thing myself, but it is prety normal behaviour, guys want to impress, feel they ahve done the hunter gather thing... fawing appears to be part of that

Acknowledged.

 

[Thalassa]

I'm not understanding why you would be suspicious of this person having NPD if he's just being emotionally reserved. To the contrary, seems to me in my experience that people with NPD preen for attention, get demanding, and emotionally overreact to real or imagined criticism of any kind.

I'm with Fluffy Wolf - he might just be nervous and introverted and trying to keep his cool. How many times have you gone out with him?

 

[tinkerbell]

yea he may just be nervous or not have met someone who floats his boat or inspired love/intimate feelings etc, so it's not JUST nevers.. its how unintimate he is that may be the issue....

I need to chill and see if its just life causing him stress and him reacting or he really is just too intellectual and not human enough

 

[Thalassa]

yea he may just be nervous or not have met someone who floats his boat or inspired love/intimate feelings etc, so it's not JUST nevers.. its how unintimate he is that may be the issue....

I need to chill and see if its just life causing him stress and him reacting or he really is just too intellectual and not human enough

One of my sisters has a fiance who has a touch of aspberger's syndrome. Not in a severe, overtly noticeable way - but yeah he was a virgin until he was 27 and we know the aspberger's is a fact because he passed it to their daughter. He actually takes really good care of my sister though. I think he would do anything for her, to a point of ridiculousness sometimes. But he seems really distant and isn't especially Fe. He's extremely socially awkward. He has to be prodded into doing stuff that most people would know to do to be helpful, like helping my mom to unload stuff out of the trunk of her car, etc. He isn't mean or hurtful in any way, though.

Not to be rude, but is there a possibility this guy is an aspie?

 

[tinkerbell]

crossed my mind because he wasn't seeking supply thats i could see so def possibility. I guess need to wait and see how t goes... may not get anywhere are all. I'm consious that my suspicions may cause issues themsevles so I need to get a grip on me