User Tag List

First 1234 Last

Results 11 to 20 of 42

  1. #11
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    56

    Default

    Well, i can honestly claim i read all of that. Your story (your dramatized version anyways) is alarming. From my INTJ perspective, i can tell you (in a logical and reasonable manner, unlike your boyfriend who is experiencing internal chaos) that the relationship is over. He has lost his trust of you (and this can probably never be regained...reasons i shall give below). The only reason he is clinging to what is left over in the relationship is b/c he is unwilling to let go of what "was". He doesnt want to be alone again and lose what he once believed was "perfect". But deep down, he is convincing himself (as we speak) that it is over. The only way this may not happen is if he is really desperate (as defined by INTJs themselves).

    Why can the trust never be regained?
    Its because he trusted you more than anyone else in the world. He doesnt have very many friends and he doesnt want very many. He put all his trust in you and all his energy for you. When he found out that you are a girl who sleeps around with her friends for whatever reason you do, it probably disgusted him deep down. I am pretty sure that he doesnt sleep with any of his friends, so it does bother him. Few months back, he didn't want to lose what he considered most precious, so he let go of it, even though, deep down he lost that strong initial trust in you.

    Now that he doubts you again, i would say that even if somehow you two stay together, he doesnt trust you...not in the way he wishes he could and in the way you wish he would.

    So whose fault is it? In my unbiased perspective (if i can so convince myself as well), it is your fault. You should have known better than to hang out with some other friend and lie about it. Now he believes you to be a liar (he probably already knew you to be a liar, since ENFPs aren't known to be the most honest of all types), but now even more so...he just cant trust you anymore. I doubt your relationship can last. Just saying how i see it.

  2. #12
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    4,318

    Default

    Information about what's real is always good, so I go with a combination of Uytuun and Heart&Brain. He's angry and martyring--such an accurate phrase, Uytuun!--and his perceptions are crushing him--perceptions both of you and of himself and the future.

    Straight up information about what's real is the way to go. Tell him why he's being unfair. Which incidentally is NOT the instruction to just call "Unfair!"--it's the instruction to present whatever information there is to present--and you'll have to work hard to be clear about what that information is. Remember, the deal is PERCEPTION. The pair of you have been away from each other for a long time, both of you have probably intuited all sorts of crap. Ground the crap. Make it stick in something real. Be true. Tell the truth. This is quite a bit different, like Heart&Brain's story suggests, from being understanding and caring.
    Bellison uncorked a flood of horrible profanity, which, translated, meant, "This is extremely unusual."

    Boy meets Grr

  3. #13
    Senior Member thescientist's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Posts
    254

    Default

    From my INTJ perspective: The WORST thing you can do to an INTJ is LIE to them. It's like assuming we're idiots. I personally lose complete respect for someone who lies to me.

    There's an ENFP guy friend who blatantly lied to my face...also often slyly manipulated the truth. Nothing enrages me more. Makes me want to blow up at him...still does...and I'm STILL dealing with the resentment I have towards him.

    With INTJ, honesty will be the best policy ALWAYS, even if it's the ugly truth. Actually, a lot of the difficulties you are now experiencing could have been avoided by you being upfront about the mutual friend situation early on. You didn't lie about it, but you OMITTED important information, which ENFP's tend to do all the time.

    Not sure how you can appease him...trust is not an easy thing to gain. It could take a VERY long time. Encouraging him to socialize is not going to solve anything. We dont need much socialization to begin with. That is what works for ENFP, NOT INTJ.

    Sorry I didnt give a clear solution, but maybe this will give some perspective on what he's thinking or feeling.

    The truth hurts...but lies will always hurt more.

  4. #14
    Tempbanned
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/so
    Posts
    8,161

    Default

    My first question is this: if it wasn't a big deal that you hung out with this ENFP friend, then why did you lie about it in the first place?

  5. #15
    Tempbanned
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/so
    Posts
    8,161

    Default

    Also, ignore whoever said it's over. It's not over. Not if you don't want it to be.

  6. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    56

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Zarathustra View Post
    Also, ignore whoever said it's over. It's not over. Not if you don't want it to be.
    It was I who said it was over. I say this based on the fact that this particular INTJ sounds exactly like me (word for word). Almost every single one of his actions sounds like what I would do in such a situation. Its sad, but true.

    I never said it was "over" (as though it was impossible to reestablish the relationship). I am saying it is most likely over (from a statistical point of view). The chances are definitely dim.

    However, there are a sequence of actions that can be performed by you (the ENFP) that would higher the probability of the INTJ fully accepting you back. I don't want to publicly state my own weaknesses, so I wont mention them here, but if you really want to know, send me a Private Message, and I can reveal exactly what magical spells you need to use in order to magically redirect his current train of thought. You will catch him by surprise. I do feel I am betraying both myself and the other INTJ, but you seem desperate, so I can help.

  7. #17
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    56

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Zarathustra View Post
    My first question is this: if it wasn't a big deal that you hung out with this ENFP friend, then why did you lie about it in the first place?
    I have this question as well.

  8. #18
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    4,318

    Default

    Ten bucks says the ENFP was the mutual friend?

    Too unlikely?
    Bellison uncorked a flood of horrible profanity, which, translated, meant, "This is extremely unusual."

    Boy meets Grr

  9. #19
    Tempbanned
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/so
    Posts
    8,161

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Kalach View Post
    Ten bucks says the ENFP was the mutual friend?
    Intriguing speculation.

    Either a brilliant insight or a total figment of your imagination.

    The whole time I was reading the original post, I did feel there was something missing -- the whole thing just didn't make complete sense.

    It'd make sense (based on what others have said about ENFPs) that she's omitting some useful piece(s) of information.

    Which leads to my second question for the original poster: are you leaving anything out? Be honest.

  10. #20
    Permabanned
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 sx
    Socionics
    SEE Fi
    Posts
    25,301

    Default

    I'm sincerely wondering why you would prioritize your friends over your boyfriend who you never see at Christmas. Yeah, he might be overreacting and be insecure about some things, but this particular bit of information just jumped out at me. It does seem to me that you're at fault here too. I mean, this combined with the fact that you lied to him about hanging out with another guy (even if the guy was a friend - lying about it makes it look sooooo much worse) would make many people suspicious.

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 22
    Last Post: 08-18-2014, 09:19 PM
  2. [INTJ] INTJ's and disregard for authority
    By Cindy in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 08-27-2012, 08:42 PM
  3. [INTJ] Need help from INTJ guys
    By Cality in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 06-16-2008, 01:14 PM
  4. [ENFP] A female ENFP, an atheist, and a part-time misanthrope...
    By SillySapienne in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 41
    Last Post: 01-18-2008, 01:28 AM
  5. [INTJ] Help with INTJs
    By Xander in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 41
    Last Post: 11-17-2007, 12:36 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO