User Tag List

12 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 16

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    MBTI
    INTx
    Enneagram
    5
    Socionics
    INTj
    Posts
    237

    Default Irrational longing after four years

    Hi all,

    I was wondering if anyone has had this experience (or a similar one), and figured out a way to get past it:



    My senior year in high school, I was close friends (in hindsight, only 'close' because of commitment issues, though it wouldn't have made a difference) with this girl, who was a h.s. freshman. I'll call her Jennifer.

    I was also somewhat close to another girl, a very irrational SJ who pushed me into a dating 'relationship' (which I'm VERY glad to be out of). I'll call her Amanda.

    This ended my friendship with Jennifer as she just threw me instantaneously out of her life with no explanation.


    Here I am, nearly four years later, a senior in college. I've realized that my entire physical affection style was actually created during my time with Jennifer, and has since shown itself in all three of my relationships (the relationships following Amanda were progressively better).


    With every relationship - whether it was romantic or not - that I've had, I've found that: when it's over, it's over, and I go on with my life.

    Emotionally, they all hurt; but logically, I knew the reasons and I knew it had to end, so my Ti side muffled my emotions and then let me convert them into whatever other emotion I wanted at the time, and I had no lasting problems.

    However, I've been completely unable to get over Jennifer. I've tried different ways of getting past her, from trying to convince myself I didn't care to trying to befriend her to pulling a very elaborate scheme with false identities to get the answers I needed (which, incidentally, almost worked at regaining her friendship - which wasn't the goal in the first place - until I showed her my hand and brought it tumbling down). Through the scheme (using Facebook), I found that her MBTI type is INTj (through "MyType," which seems to favor the J-type), which made it even harder.

    No matter what I do, I cannot get over her, nor can I get her to talk to me or to explain anything to me (either before or after the scheme). I know this is very irrational, and that drives me bonkers.


    My friends, who are largely NFs (who believe that she *should* be civil and we *should* get along) and SJs (who I won't even discuss here, since I'm sure you'll all see how this would come across to them...), are very unhelpful; but this seems like the perfect place to ask.


    I'd be very appreciative of any help anyone could give me that would have one of the following two outcomes (in preferential order):

    (1) Rekindle our friendship (or, even just to TALK to me)
    (2) Get her out of my stinkin' over-analyzing head


    Thanks!
    Last edited by alakazam; 01-12-2010 at 04:44 AM. Reason: Changed one of their names for sofmarhof

  2. #2
    Senior Member sofmarhof's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    327

    Default

    You shouldn't have given both of them names starting with J. Don't make us think!

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    MBTI
    INTx
    Enneagram
    5
    Socionics
    INTj
    Posts
    237

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sofmarhof View Post
    You shouldn't have given both of them names starting with J. Don't make us think!

    Ummmmm... I... ummm... didn't?

    *glances around guiltily*

  4. #4
    Senior Member sofmarhof's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    327

    Default

    Sorry, I'm in a bitchy mood.

  5. #5
    Phantonym
    Guest

    Default

    You can't get over her because there's unresolved business between you. She pulled the plug, vanished and left you wondering. And you can't really start either letting things lie in the past or rekindle the friendship again before you haven't resolved the issues between you. Or at least find some sort of a conclusion for yourself.

    Ok. Can you get in touch with her in person? Or do you only have the Facebook option? Lay off the underhand schemes, you're only digging yourself deeper. If you haven't been able to talk to her, it just means that you haven't been trying hard enough.

    One thing that I would do in your situation is to write a lengthy letter (even if it is difficult and feels awkward and whatnot) and present your issues, try explaining to her what in your opinion went on in high school and what's going on now; why you felt the need to use the false identities scheme (Dude! => ). Try to get everything that bothers you, all the questions you have, out of your system. Yes, it's deeply personal and yes, you will have to open up but if you want a chance to resolve this, you have to do it.

    And then give the letter to her in person, asking her with all the sincerity you can muster up to read it. With e-mails it's easier to just delete them. But showing up yourself means that you are being serious. It doesn't guarantee that she will read it but at least you've done all you can do from your part. It's all up to her now.

    This might not rekindle your friendship and you have to accept the possibility that she might never talk to you again. But at least you have done something to help yourself get out of this loop you're in and start getting that conclusion you need to move on.

    If you can't get in touch with her in person, e-mail is your best bet. Good luck with everything!

  6. #6
    Senior Member ENTJ Extraordinaire's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ENTJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Posts
    303

    Default

    Irrationally longing? Make it rational, and take control of your emotions. Easier said than done, i know, but it can be done. you simply need to concentrate on it, and it should dull away.

    Don't take it all to heart. You need to realise that no matter what, other people in our lives are living different existences to our own, and more often then not, are sorting through their own troubles, not causing ours. Perhaps there is an underlying element that you have overlooked.

    You need to be fully prepared to accept you may not know the answer, so you can only convince yourself that you weren't the problem!
    Actualized type: ENTJ
    Extroverted (E) 64.71% Introverted (I) 35.29%
    Intuitive (N) 56.1% Sensing (S) 43.9%
    Thinking (T) 68.42% Feeling (F) 31.58%
    Judging (J) 65% Perceiving (P) 35%

    ENTJ - "Field Marshall". The basic driving force and need is to lead. Tend to seek a position of responsibility and enjoys being an executive. 1.8% of total population.

    http://hubpages.com/profile/Joshywa1

  7. #7
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sofmarhof View Post
    You shouldn't have given both of them names starting with J. Don't make us think!
    I don't see any issues with the name(s) selected.

    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  8. #8
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    You can't get over her because there's unresolved business between you. She pulled the plug, vanished and left you wondering. And you can't really start either letting things lie in the past or rekindle the friendship again before you haven't resolved the issues between you. Or at least find some sort of a conclusion for yourself.
    Yup, pretty much curiosity is going to kill the INTP. (Trust me.)

    I find myself very frustrated too relationally when people keep information to themselves and pull the plug and don't respond. There is no opportunity to understand what happened, no opportunity to fix things, and just... the mystery lingers over what actually happened. Especially if intentions are to work them out.

    Ok. Can you get in touch with her in person? Or do you only have the Facebook option? Lay off the underhand schemes, you're only digging yourself deeper. If you haven't been able to talk to her, it just means that you haven't been trying hard enough.
    I would never recommend trying to pull off an underhanded scheme with an INxJ type. Never. Not only are they smart enough to sniff out what is happening, but if you tip your hand, chances are you will never be trusted again.

    Maybe your INTP nature wanted to toss all the information on the table and be up front when she finally engaged you, but approaching it this way did serious damage to any attempt you might have made to rekindle a relationship. You need to be more straightforward from the start... or not tip your hand. (And by tipping your hand, I mean saying, "Yes, I planned to handle things in a deceptive way in order to get your attention back." Don't EVER paint yourself in as deceitful.)

    One thing that I would do in your situation is to write a lengthy letter (even if it is difficult and feels awkward and whatnot) and present your issues, try explaining to her what in your opinion went on in high school and what's going on now; why you felt the need to use the false identities scheme (Dude! => ). Try to get everything that bothers you, all the questions you have, out of your system. Yes, it's deeply personal and yes, you will have to open up but if you want a chance to resolve this, you have to do it.
    Pretty much, yes... at this point, you need to go all the way and be as transparent as possible so your manipulation attempt and motivations behind it are clarified. Focus on your good intentions and why you thought it made sense. Let her call you stupid if need be. Groveling and apologies are probably good too, as long as it's sincere.

    Not sure if she'd appreciate an in-face meeting but not a bad idea to try if you can survive the INTJ "wither and die" stare.

    This might not rekindle your friendship and you have to accept the possibility that she might never talk to you again. But at least you have done something to help yourself get out of this loop you're in and start getting that conclusion you need to move on.
    Pretty much. And if she doesn't respond, then you need to live with the mystery and move on. There are many many people in the world, you'll be surprised.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #9
    Banned
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    2,390

    Default

    I do believe you shouldnt expect to go waltzing into her life after she has decided you aren't worth her time.

    Clearly you need to challenge that situation first in a convincing manner. How you do that is up to you.

    Personally I wouldn't be interested.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    446

    Default

    Having been in the same situation before, I would say the letter thing is a great idea. I wrote one to my INTJ friend. He never responded to it, but I was able to rationalize my feelings on paper and then move on. I would write it, sleep on it and then decide whether to mail it or burn it. In either case, I would have to say that once an INTJ has moved on . . . there's really not much chance in rekindling the interest. Sorry, but it is the truth.

Similar Threads

  1. Irrational longing for over 10 years
    By jaque158 in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 06-05-2014, 09:07 PM
  2. Replies: 8
    Last Post: 08-10-2012, 11:42 PM
  3. After 8 years, still not sure what my type is. Help?
    By plastic in forum What's my Type?
    Replies: 46
    Last Post: 05-02-2012, 05:30 PM
  4. ENTP male rediscovering MBTI after several years off
    By Amphion in forum Welcomes and Introductions
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 04-04-2010, 06:10 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO