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  1. #611
    small potatoes NotOfTwo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raindancing View Post
    Directness has always worked well in my experience with INTPs. Though it took me quite a few years to learn to do this with my husband... I had no idea how hard it was to offend him. Stuff that would make me want to hide under the covers, he just accepts with this nonchalant chillness that I could only dream of attaining.
    However there are some things that I know would offend him, unless It seems necessary to bring up I avoid them. We have had some very involved discussions, delicately worked, weaving around issues highly charged for us both. At those times, talking to him can be like dancing through a fucking minefield. The tiniest hint of an an attempt to manipulate his thoughts or actions and *BOOM*

    ... I don't actually know what if anything I'm responding to here. ah well.
    Quoted for truth. ...Even if it doesn't respond directly.
    "It's never enough." The Cure

  2. #612
    actinomycetes raindancing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    That's a bit broad. I'll give the unhelpful answer and say it depends. If we think you're being stupid and you eventually come around on some issue or behavior, I think it's typically met with a considerable amount of understanding, almost in a condescending way. As though you couldn't help yourself, you weren't thinking clearly, etc, so no big deal. You were clearly in the grips of a certain kind of madness.
    That seems to be what I have observed. Most everything seems to be no big deal and shrugged off. Unless of course it's not.
    With my INTP the only things that have brought that on (that I can think of) were his mother's attempts to force him to do things and telling him what he should do with his life, all wrapped in an attractive holier than thou attitude. (I make her sound worse than she is, but she really does piss him off. She's ISTJ and they clash clash clash.) The other is my mother (ESFJ), but that is slightly different. I don't think he will ever, ever forgive her because of what she does to me. Oh yea, and there was recently this dude who got overly friendly with me and he went total macho alpha male. It was quite a stunning explosion. I don't think forgiveness will be forthcoming for that guy either.
    “Can a man of perception respect himself at all?”
    ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

  3. #613
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    How are INTPs on forgiveness?
    Forgiveness may be quite easy in some circumstances. Accidents, misunderstandings, and carelessness will happen. I'm more concerned with patterns. When something happens, I'll be alert to see if it happens again and why. If it continues, then I have to decide if and how I want to preserve the relationship. Contact may continue but I will place more distance between that person and myself...exiled to the outer orbits in a way.

  4. #614
    actinomycetes raindancing's Avatar
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    INTPs and giving compliments?
    In my experience they're rare as a purple spotted hyena... of course this means when one of the elusive beasts is spotted, it's extra special.

    Is it that you think your view is apparent so you don't want to say it? You don't even consciously think about it? It's awkward?

    Last night I received one of these inimitable gems, something I had no idea he thought. I want more!
    “Can a man of perception respect himself at all?”
    ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

  5. #615
    (blankpages) Xenon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raindancing View Post
    INTPs and giving compliments?
    In my experience they're rare as a purple spotted hyena... of course this means when one of the elusive beasts is spotted, it's extra special.

    Is it that you think your view is apparent so you don't want to say it? You don't even consciously think about it? It's awkward?
    For me it's a combination of obliviousness and awkwardness. I never verbalize most of the positive things I think about others; it isn't the natural thing for me to do. I'm very reserved in general and it's not like me to frequently think about how I can make people feel good or how to communicate that I like someone. I have to consciously push myself to do it - catch myself thinking something positive about someone and tell myself, "Oh there's a complimentary thought. I should consider like, saying that. Or something."

    Also, I don't feel very smooth about doing it. I easily feel like I'm going overboard if I do something to communicate warmth or friendliness. It seems that what feels normal for me comes off as aloof to others, and what reads as normal for others feels like overkill to me. I also hate sounding cliched and want to say something honest and specific when I express my appreciation, but that often isn't easy to do. So I end up saying nothing.

    Enjoy the ones you get. If you get to see one complimentary thought, there are more somewhere. (Reminds me of cockroaches. I wish there were something else to compare this to.)

  6. #616
    Member herbpixie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raindancing View Post
    INTPs and giving compliments?
    In my experience they're rare as a purple spotted hyena... of course this means when one of the elusive beasts is spotted, it's extra special.

    Is it that you think your view is apparent so you don't want to say it? You don't even consciously think about it? It's awkward?

    Last night I received one of these inimitable gems, something I had no idea he thought. I want more!
    I just don't normally think about it. I don't hang out with crappy people. I normally assume that my friend/mate knows that I think they are awesome. Otherwise, why on earth would I be there? I also feel somewhat awkward giving (and receiving) compliments.

  7. #617
    actinomycetes raindancing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xenon View Post
    For me it's a combination of obliviousness and awkwardness. I never verbalize most of the positive things I think about others; it isn't the natural thing for me to do. I'm very reserved in general and it's not like me to frequently think about how I can make people feel good or how to communicate that I like someone. I have to consciously push myself to do it - catch myself thinking something positive about someone and tell myself, "Oh there's a complimentary thought. I should consider like, saying that. Or something."
    This pretty much exactly how I imagine my INTP thinks about it. (Autonomy can go itself. He's mine, all mine! hate using that term. But really what do I say? *my* husband, *my* INTP, fucking hell. That-INTP-guy-who-shares-my-life-and-has-twinned-his-way-through-my-heart-but-is-still-his-own-person-and-I-totally-love-that is too bloody long.)


    Quote Originally Posted by Xenon View Post
    Also, I don't feel very smooth about doing it. I easily feel like I'm going overboard if I do something to communicate warmth or friendliness. It seems that what feels normal for me comes off as aloof to others, and what reads as normal for others feels like overkill to me. I also hate sounding cliched and want to say something honest and specific when I express my appreciation, but that often isn't easy to do. So I end up saying nothing.
    This is creepy.

    (...Because it's so similar sounding to MY INTP... damn msg boards and their ambiguity. I hate feeling like I have to explain myself. Now I've gone and over explained. AAaaaahhhhh )

    Quote Originally Posted by Xenon View Post
    Enjoy the ones you get. If you get to see one complimentary thought, there are more somewhere. (Reminds me of cockroaches. I wish there were something else to compare this to.)
    Yea I see enough glimmers to know they're there.
    (I am also struggling to find a comparison that doesn't involve pests... my brain is cycling through heaps but all are nasty, or lame. Sorry. )
    “Can a man of perception respect himself at all?”
    ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

  8. #618
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raindancing View Post
    INTPs and giving compliments?
    In my experience they're rare as a purple spotted hyena... of course this means when one of the elusive beasts is spotted, it's extra special.

    Is it that you think your view is apparent so you don't want to say it? You don't even consciously think about it? It's awkward?

    Last night I received one of these inimitable gems, something I had no idea he thought. I want more!
    Agree with the other posters. Compliments are a-w-k-w-a-r-d. And if I've already told you I like you, why must I keep telling you? I don't like to be redundant. Starts to sound trite and therefore cheap/meaningless.

    Throwing it back at you, do you feel compliment-starved by your INTP? Does it make you feel insecure?
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  9. #619
    actinomycetes raindancing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Salomé View Post
    Agree with the other posters. Compliments are a-w-k-w-a-r-d. And if I've already told you I like you, why must I keep telling you? I don't like to be redundant. Starts to sound trite and therefore cheap/meaningless.

    Throwing it back at you, do you feel compliment-starved by your INTP? Does it make you feel insecure?
    It used to bother me, before I understood him better. I'm cool with it now

    *After finishing playing a new piece on the piano and getting no feedback*

    "What do you think of that song?"
    "It's nice."
    "It's a new one."
    "Ah. Cool."
    "How did you like it, what did you think? Tell me truly darling. I want the deepest thoughts of our heart. What hidden emotions lurk beneath that cool exterior. Give me a damn compliment."
    Then I would likely sit on his lap and tease him until he tells me something. This normally works.
    “Can a man of perception respect himself at all?”
    ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

  10. #620
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Compliments make you feel what? Valued?
    Which kind do you most appreciate and in which circumstances?
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

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