Hmmmmm, I don't even know what to say, I don't need help or advice, this is my life and I will find my way. I'm not depressed, upset, bitter, angry, frustrated or even sad. I'm just lost and sometimes I feel defeated and I am confused, I don't know what to do now or which direction to go and I'm really scared I'm making mistakes. I know these feelings are ones we all have, I know I'm not alone. I have great friends I love and care about and I'm almost always charming, charismatic and jovial, happy for each day I have but still, here's the story.
April 2007 I ended my marriage. I had to walk away from the woman I had been with for 9 years and my three kids. I of course didn't walk away from my kids but I had to let go of that dream I had of a family. I had to just let go, the woman fine, I can deal with that but the kids, phawk that was too much for me. My ex has a wonderful heart and she's a good but very lost woman with the worst childhood of anybody I'd ever met. Some people get sexually abused, some physically, some emotionally, she got them all.
This started a year long road of figuring out who I was, trying to fill voids in my life with women and for the most part would have been VERY unpleasant if I wasn't so growth oriented. Because I hold myself accountable for everything the inevitable question of why I picked the woman I did was bound to come up and I didn't like that answers. I figured while I was cleaning house I would do it all you know, not avoid anything, not run, not hide, just face it and become a person I loved, that other people could love. A better father, friend, child and human being, one I was proud to be.
So it became clear, my insecurities, I picked her for many of the wrong reasons my insecurities being up there. She was damaged (in my mind I was going to "fix" her) in the eyes of many so I didn't feel this pressure I would ruin her life because I always end up feeling like I'm so messed up I'm not going to be any good for somebody. She was needy so she became dependent on me for so many things making me feel more secure. Wow, I'm crying as I type this, I was just a kid you know, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know any better. Even though that's no longer me I still did it, sitting here looking at a blurred screen through tears of the past. Well, I have used these tears to water the seeds of my future all the same. I know I had codependency issues from my parents relationship, I just faced it all, alone. That's all fine, I dug deep, shinned a light on the worst shadows of myself and I cleaned house. I fixed me and I am proud of the person I have become, I am somebody I love and I have this huge heart I want to share with somebody.
But now, I'm sitting here, tears running down my face, positive still, happy still but so lost. I have no idea where to go, in everything I've learned about myself I have let go of the things that motivate most from television and money to owning things and impressing people. What do you do when your motivation in life is to grow and become more self aware, I have no job, I'm so totally broke it isn't funny and I don't want anything. These are positive things, I'm happy to feel this way but it also leaves me feeling like I have no direction.
I just want to go home right now, I wanna go home and feel safe and warm and loved and cared about and understood and have it all be unconditional. I know, we all want this, I just don't have a home and I need to rebuild one and I'm pretty scared and I don't know what to do next. I'm scared that I'll mess up again and ruin somebody, I'm scared, this wasn't here when I was younger but it is now.
So tomorrow, you know what I'll do? I'm going to wake up happy to be alive, I'm going to smile, enjoy a shower and the smell of my organic soap. I'm going to see a blue sky full of sun, take in a deep breath and start my day. I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how scared I get, no matter how lost I think I may be, no matter how confused or anything else. I will keep on going because I don't need it all to be good, I don't need to always know where I'm going and in the end, if you hold on too hard on the bumpy roads you're going to feel like a long ride. It just isn't always an easy thing to do and it doesn't seem like many people wanna wake up and live instead of just existing.
I can't proof this, I don't think it's anything more than a foolish ramble but I can't read what I wrote, it was what I felt but if I read it my Ti will never let me post it so I'm sorry for typos. I'm also sorry if I didn't write this as a full story or I forgot details like I no longer talk to my parents and haven't in over a year since addressing the issues we had.
Writing is hard for me and leaves me at a solid 60% handi-cap, processing Fe is hard for me. The latter I've done so much of the past couple years most people that get to know me question my ENTP status but it's still VERY energy consuming.
I'm okay I promise and please don't respond trying to help me because it would make me uncomfortable. I needed to let this out, to say that I'm so scared sometimes I wanna give up, that I'm so unsure of what to do I wanna do nothing but I just keep at it and it becomes easier and easier though not always comfortable. I think this was brought on by some huge changes and uncertainty in my life at the moment, it's positive I'm fairly sure but all change, even change for the better comes with discomfort.