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  1. #1
    Buddhist Misanthrope Samvega's Avatar
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    Default I feel Lost and Defeated and Confused.

    Hmmmmm, I don't even know what to say, I don't need help or advice, this is my life and I will find my way. I'm not depressed, upset, bitter, angry, frustrated or even sad. I'm just lost and sometimes I feel defeated and I am confused, I don't know what to do now or which direction to go and I'm really scared I'm making mistakes. I know these feelings are ones we all have, I know I'm not alone. I have great friends I love and care about and I'm almost always charming, charismatic and jovial, happy for each day I have but still, here's the story.

    April 2007 I ended my marriage. I had to walk away from the woman I had been with for 9 years and my three kids. I of course didn't walk away from my kids but I had to let go of that dream I had of a family. I had to just let go, the woman fine, I can deal with that but the kids, phawk that was too much for me. My ex has a wonderful heart and she's a good but very lost woman with the worst childhood of anybody I'd ever met. Some people get sexually abused, some physically, some emotionally, she got them all.

    This started a year long road of figuring out who I was, trying to fill voids in my life with women and for the most part would have been VERY unpleasant if I wasn't so growth oriented. Because I hold myself accountable for everything the inevitable question of why I picked the woman I did was bound to come up and I didn't like that answers. I figured while I was cleaning house I would do it all you know, not avoid anything, not run, not hide, just face it and become a person I loved, that other people could love. A better father, friend, child and human being, one I was proud to be.

    So it became clear, my insecurities, I picked her for many of the wrong reasons my insecurities being up there. She was damaged (in my mind I was going to "fix" her) in the eyes of many so I didn't feel this pressure I would ruin her life because I always end up feeling like I'm so messed up I'm not going to be any good for somebody. She was needy so she became dependent on me for so many things making me feel more secure. Wow, I'm crying as I type this, I was just a kid you know, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know any better. Even though that's no longer me I still did it, sitting here looking at a blurred screen through tears of the past. Well, I have used these tears to water the seeds of my future all the same. I know I had codependency issues from my parents relationship, I just faced it all, alone. That's all fine, I dug deep, shinned a light on the worst shadows of myself and I cleaned house. I fixed me and I am proud of the person I have become, I am somebody I love and I have this huge heart I want to share with somebody.

    But now, I'm sitting here, tears running down my face, positive still, happy still but so lost. I have no idea where to go, in everything I've learned about myself I have let go of the things that motivate most from television and money to owning things and impressing people. What do you do when your motivation in life is to grow and become more self aware, I have no job, I'm so totally broke it isn't funny and I don't want anything. These are positive things, I'm happy to feel this way but it also leaves me feeling like I have no direction.

    I just want to go home right now, I wanna go home and feel safe and warm and loved and cared about and understood and have it all be unconditional. I know, we all want this, I just don't have a home and I need to rebuild one and I'm pretty scared and I don't know what to do next. I'm scared that I'll mess up again and ruin somebody, I'm scared, this wasn't here when I was younger but it is now.

    So tomorrow, you know what I'll do? I'm going to wake up happy to be alive, I'm going to smile, enjoy a shower and the smell of my organic soap. I'm going to see a blue sky full of sun, take in a deep breath and start my day. I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how scared I get, no matter how lost I think I may be, no matter how confused or anything else. I will keep on going because I don't need it all to be good, I don't need to always know where I'm going and in the end, if you hold on too hard on the bumpy roads you're going to feel like a long ride. It just isn't always an easy thing to do and it doesn't seem like many people wanna wake up and live instead of just existing.

    I can't proof this, I don't think it's anything more than a foolish ramble but I can't read what I wrote, it was what I felt but if I read it my Ti will never let me post it so I'm sorry for typos. I'm also sorry if I didn't write this as a full story or I forgot details like I no longer talk to my parents and haven't in over a year since addressing the issues we had.

    Writing is hard for me and leaves me at a solid 60% handi-cap, processing Fe is hard for me. The latter I've done so much of the past couple years most people that get to know me question my ENTP status but it's still VERY energy consuming.

    I'm okay I promise and please don't respond trying to help me because it would make me uncomfortable. I needed to let this out, to say that I'm so scared sometimes I wanna give up, that I'm so unsure of what to do I wanna do nothing but I just keep at it and it becomes easier and easier though not always comfortable. I think this was brought on by some huge changes and uncertainty in my life at the moment, it's positive I'm fairly sure but all change, even change for the better comes with discomfort.

  2. #2
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    dunno really what to say, but ill tell you this. the feeling that you get from fearing the failure is far greater than the actual bad feeling you get from failing and if you fear too much that you will fail your doomed to fail because thats what your prepairing yourself into. its like an curse, if you belive in it, it will happen. it works the same way if you go for the win and truly belive in it. i know that you lost really much so its totally understandable that you fear so much, but the fear aint going to help you, its just going to ruin you. your afraid of so huge failure thats its pretty unrealistic that you would fail this badly again and even if you do its much easier to get over the next time. you know now that you shouldnt get yourself into relationship with so badly damaged person, and i bet you know meny other things better now allso..

    Quote Originally Posted by Samvega View Post
    please don't respond trying to help me because it would make me uncomfortable.
    Quote Originally Posted by Samvega View Post
    even change for the better comes with discomfort.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

    Read

  3. #3
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    You're on the right track, sweety

    *invites you over for a nice movie and cuddle in the couch*
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  4. #4
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Oh babe .. You are so gorgeous

    I think it's awesome to know where we have come from but not know where we are going .. It is scary but phenomenal at the same time. What amazing lives we lead and what an opportunity.

    I'll leave it there ..
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  5. #5
    Senior Member _Violence_'s Avatar
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    It's dark and life sucks. Get over it.

  6. #6
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    the feeling that you get from fearing the failure is far greater than the actual bad feeling you get from failing
    I agree, I think failing while trying (even if you're not sure what to do next) is far more empowering and likely to result in positive change than sitting and analyzing and not doing anything for fear of failing.

    Since you don't want much comment, SV, I won't say much. Just that I think you're on the right track in terms of working through life; you're facing yourself head on, and eventually you'll find your way if you keep examining yourself and then TRY to make changes, even if they are just small ones or uncertain ones at first.

    Gotta say too that you caught me off-guard. I don't know you well, just remember your amazing climbing pics, etc. (That was you, right? Or am I misremembering again?) But otherwise you were sort of enigmatic to me. This post might have been uncomfortable for you to write; but it gave me a point of connection with you I had never really anticipated (April 2007 was when I made decisions as big as yours, ironically -- what was in the water that month?!), and I'm sure it gave others a better sense of who you are. That's just part of building real connection with people.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #7
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Hey Samvega, rather than sympathy, I will say I think the most important realization you have made is what your choices of women said about your own state at the time. If you have learned nothing else, that's a huge, huge key to happiness for life. White knight syndrome often indicates insecurities and in a practical sense produces a lot of difficulties in creating a life together. You've made a lot of progress!

  8. #8
    Buddhist Misanthrope Samvega's Avatar
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    Thanks guys, I'm fine, I woke up and had no clue what caused me to post this on the internet. I'm not scared to fail, I have no issues with that in fact but leaving a woman and 3 kids in the wake causes some serious trepidation in doing it again. Forcing me to go soooo deep into myself to make sure it isn't a mistake that repeats that I have gotten a little lost in here. I always say I would rather make a choice and be wrong than make no choice at all.

    It's all hard to swallow and I'm simply not motivated by the same things anymore so I guess it takes some years to find motivation and inspiration again. My kids are raised by there mother 180 degrees from the life I want them to have and it's hard for me to watch, it's hard for me to know their life isn't as good as it could be because of my bad judgement, insecurities and selfish actions.

    Truth is, even if I could go back and do all over without having made the mistakes I would make them again. The key truly isn't avoiding mistakes it's only making them one time.

    Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this

  9. #9
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samvega View Post
    Thanks guys, I'm fine, I woke up and had no clue what caused me to post this on the internet. I'm not scared to fail, I have no issues with that in fact but leaving a woman and 3 kids in the wake causes some serious trepidation in doing it again. Forcing me to go soooo deep into myself to make sure it isn't a mistake that repeats that I have gotten a little lost in here. I always say I would rather make a choice and be wrong than make no choice at all.

    It's all hard to swallow and I'm simply not motivated by the same things anymore so I guess it takes some years to find motivation and inspiration again. My kids are raised by there mother 180 degrees from the life I want them to have and it's hard for me to watch, it's hard for me to know their life isn't as good as it could be because of my bad judgement, insecurities and selfish actions.

    Truth is, even if I could go back and do all over without having made the mistakes I would make them again. The key truly isn't avoiding mistakes it's only making them one time.

    Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this
    The introspection reflected in your posts demonstrates a level of maturity that is pretty impressive. I'm sure things will work out for you. Good luck. Life's hard man.....

  10. #10
    Buddhist Misanthrope Samvega's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander29 View Post
    The introspection reflected in your posts demonstrates a level of maturity that is pretty impressive. I'm sure things will work out for you. Good luck. Life's hard man.....
    Thanks, I wouldn't even say it's hard, I would simply say it isn't always easy. I also think it comes down to your expectations, if you go into it willing to learn from everything, not expecting all to be great but embracing both the bad days for the growth they offer and the good for the joy they bring. Well, it sure does make things a lot easier.

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