[ENTP] I feel Lost and Defeated and Confused.

[Samvega]

Hmmmmm, I don't even know what to say, I don't need help or advice, this is my life and I will find my way. I'm not depressed, upset, bitter, angry, frustrated or even sad. I'm just lost and sometimes I feel defeated and I am confused, I don't know what to do now or which direction to go and I'm really scared I'm making mistakes. I know these feelings are ones we all have, I know I'm not alone. I have great friends I love and care about and I'm almost always charming, charismatic and jovial, happy for each day I have but still, here's the story.

April 2007 I ended my marriage. I had to walk away from the woman I had been with for 9 years and my three kids. I of course didn't walk away from my kids but I had to let go of that dream I had of a family. I had to just let go, the woman fine, I can deal with that but the kids, phawk that was too much for me. My ex has a wonderful heart and she's a good but very lost woman with the worst childhood of anybody I'd ever met. Some people get sexually abused, some physically, some emotionally, she got them all.

This started a year long road of figuring out who I was, trying to fill voids in my life with women and for the most part would have been VERY unpleasant if I wasn't so growth oriented. Because I hold myself accountable for everything the inevitable question of why I picked the woman I did was bound to come up and I didn't like that answers. I figured while I was cleaning house I would do it all you know, not avoid anything, not run, not hide, just face it and become a person I loved, that other people could love. A better father, friend, child and human being, one I was proud to be.

So it became clear, my insecurities, I picked her for many of the wrong reasons my insecurities being up there. She was damaged (in my mind I was going to "fix" her) in the eyes of many so I didn't feel this pressure I would ruin her life because I always end up feeling like I'm so messed up I'm not going to be any good for somebody. She was needy so she became dependent on me for so many things making me feel more secure. Wow, I'm crying as I type this, I was just a kid you know, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know any better. Even though that's no longer me I still did it, sitting here looking at a blurred screen through tears of the past. Well, I have used these tears to water the seeds of my future all the same. I know I had codependency issues from my parents relationship, I just faced it all, alone. That's all fine, I dug deep, shinned a light on the worst shadows of myself and I cleaned house. I fixed me and I am proud of the person I have become, I am somebody I love and I have this huge heart I want to share with somebody.

But now, I'm sitting here, tears running down my face, positive still, happy still but so lost. I have no idea where to go, in everything I've learned about myself I have let go of the things that motivate most from television and money to owning things and impressing people. What do you do when your motivation in life is to grow and become more self aware, I have no job, I'm so totally broke it isn't funny and I don't want anything. These are positive things, I'm happy to feel this way but it also leaves me feeling like I have no direction.

I just want to go home right now, I wanna go home and feel safe and warm and loved and cared about and understood and have it all be unconditional. I know, we all want this, I just don't have a home and I need to rebuild one and I'm pretty scared and I don't know what to do next. I'm scared that I'll mess up again and ruin somebody, I'm scared, this wasn't here when I was younger but it is now.

So tomorrow, you know what I'll do? I'm going to wake up happy to be alive, I'm going to smile, enjoy a shower and the smell of my organic soap. I'm going to see a blue sky full of sun, take in a deep breath and start my day. I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how scared I get, no matter how lost I think I may be, no matter how confused or anything else. I will keep on going because I don't need it all to be good, I don't need to always know where I'm going and in the end, if you hold on too hard on the bumpy roads you're going to feel like a long ride. It just isn't always an easy thing to do and it doesn't seem like many people wanna wake up and live instead of just existing.

I can't proof this, I don't think it's anything more than a foolish ramble but I can't read what I wrote, it was what I felt but if I read it my Ti will never let me post it so I'm sorry for typos. I'm also sorry if I didn't write this as a full story or I forgot details like I no longer talk to my parents and haven't in over a year since addressing the issues we had.

Writing is hard for me and leaves me at a solid 60% handi-cap, processing Fe is hard for me. The latter I've done so much of the past couple years most people that get to know me question my ENTP status but it's still VERY energy consuming.

I'm okay I promise and please don't respond trying to help me because it would make me uncomfortable. I needed to let this out, to say that I'm so scared sometimes I wanna give up, that I'm so unsure of what to do I wanna do nothing but I just keep at it and it becomes easier and easier though not always comfortable. I think this was brought on by some huge changes and uncertainty in my life at the moment, it's positive I'm fairly sure but all change, even change for the better comes with discomfort.

 

[INTP]

dunno really what to say, but ill tell you this. the feeling that you get from fearing the failure is far greater than the actual bad feeling you get from failing and if you fear too much that you will fail your doomed to fail because thats what your prepairing yourself into. its like an curse, if you belive in it, it will happen. it works the same way if you go for the win and truly belive in it. i know that you lost really much so its totally understandable that you fear so much, but the fear aint going to help you, its just going to ruin you. your afraid of so huge failure thats its pretty unrealistic that you would fail this badly again and even if you do its much easier to get over the next time. you know now that you shouldnt get yourself into relationship with so badly damaged person, and i bet you know meny other things better now allso..

please don't respond trying to help me because it would make me uncomfortable.

even change for the better comes with discomfort.

 

[Amargith]

You're on the right track, sweety

*invites you over for a nice movie and cuddle in the couch*

 

[Saslou]

Oh babe .. You are so gorgeous

I think it's awesome to know where we have come from but not know where we are going .. It is scary but phenomenal at the same time. What amazing lives we lead and what an opportunity.

I'll leave it there ..

 

[_Violence_]

It's dark and life sucks. Get over it.

 

[Totenkindly]

the feeling that you get from fearing the failure is far greater than the actual bad feeling you get from failing

I agree, I think failing while trying (even if you're not sure what to do next) is far more empowering and likely to result in positive change than sitting and analyzing and not doing anything for fear of failing.

Since you don't want much comment, SV, I won't say much. Just that I think you're on the right track in terms of working through life; you're facing yourself head on, and eventually you'll find your way if you keep examining yourself and then TRY to make changes, even if they are just small ones or uncertain ones at first.

Gotta say too that you caught me off-guard. I don't know you well, just remember your amazing climbing pics, etc. (That was you, right? Or am I misremembering again?) But otherwise you were sort of enigmatic to me. This post might have been uncomfortable for you to write; but it gave me a point of connection with you I had never really anticipated (April 2007 was when I made decisions as big as yours, ironically -- what was in the water that month?!), and I'm sure it gave others a better sense of who you are. That's just part of building real connection with people.

 

[Fidelia]

Hey Samvega, rather than sympathy, I will say I think the most important realization you have made is what your choices of women said about your own state at the time. If you have learned nothing else, that's a huge, huge key to happiness for life. White knight syndrome often indicates insecurities and in a practical sense produces a lot of difficulties in creating a life together. You've made a lot of progress!

 

[Samvega]

Thanks guys, I'm fine, I woke up and had no clue what caused me to post this on the internet. I'm not scared to fail, I have no issues with that in fact but leaving a woman and 3 kids in the wake causes some serious trepidation in doing it again. Forcing me to go soooo deep into myself to make sure it isn't a mistake that repeats that I have gotten a little lost in here. I always say I would rather make a choice and be wrong than make no choice at all.

It's all hard to swallow and I'm simply not motivated by the same things anymore so I guess it takes some years to find motivation and inspiration again. My kids are raised by there mother 180 degrees from the life I want them to have and it's hard for me to watch, it's hard for me to know their life isn't as good as it could be because of my bad judgement, insecurities and selfish actions.

Truth is, even if I could go back and do all over without having made the mistakes I would make them again. The key truly isn't avoiding mistakes it's only making them one time.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this

 

[highlander]

Thanks guys, I'm fine, I woke up and had no clue what caused me to post this on the internet. I'm not scared to fail, I have no issues with that in fact but leaving a woman and 3 kids in the wake causes some serious trepidation in doing it again. Forcing me to go soooo deep into myself to make sure it isn't a mistake that repeats that I have gotten a little lost in here. I always say I would rather make a choice and be wrong than make no choice at all.

It's all hard to swallow and I'm simply not motivated by the same things anymore so I guess it takes some years to find motivation and inspiration again. My kids are raised by there mother 180 degrees from the life I want them to have and it's hard for me to watch, it's hard for me to know their life isn't as good as it could be because of my bad judgement, insecurities and selfish actions.

Truth is, even if I could go back and do all over without having made the mistakes I would make them again. The key truly isn't avoiding mistakes it's only making them one time.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this

The introspection reflected in your posts demonstrates a level of maturity that is pretty impressive. I'm sure things will work out for you. Good luck. Life's hard man.....

 

[Samvega]

The introspection reflected in your posts demonstrates a level of maturity that is pretty impressive. I'm sure things will work out for you. Good luck. Life's hard man.....

Thanks, I wouldn't even say it's hard, I would simply say it isn't always easy. I also think it comes down to your expectations, if you go into it willing to learn from everything, not expecting all to be great but embracing both the bad days for the growth they offer and the good for the joy they bring. Well, it sure does make things a lot easier.

 

[tinkerbell]

Hi

Thought this might be helpful... it's not the version I wanted to find but as near as I could.

The origin of the saying #appears to date back to a story told about King Solomon. It is said that the King, feeling blue, asked his advisors to find him a ring he had seen in a dream. "When I feel satisfied I’m afraid that it won’t last. And when I don’t, I am afraid my sorrow will go on forever. Find me the ring that will ease my suffering."

Eventually an advisor met an old jeweler who carved into a simple gold band the Hebrew inscription "gam zeh ya’avor" – "this too shall pass."

When the king received his ring and read the inscription his sorrows turned to joy and his joy to sorrows, and then both gave way to equanimity. More recently the saying has been popularized in the West by spiritual leaders imported from or inspired by the East, including Ram Dass, the Dali Lama and Tich Nhat Hanh.

Hope you feel more at peace

 

[highlander]

Thanks, I wouldn't even say it's hard, I would simply say it isn't always easy. I also think it comes down to your expectations, if you go into it willing to learn from everything, not expecting all to be great but embracing both the bad days for the growth they offer and the good for the joy they bring. Well, it sure does make things a lot easier.

Very wise.

 

[INTP]

what causes these insecurities?

 

[Valuable_Money]

Hmmmmm, I don't even know what to say, I don't need help or advice, this is my life and I will find my way. I'm not depressed, upset, bitter, angry, frustrated or even sad. I'm just lost and sometimes I feel defeated and I am confused, I don't know what to do now or which direction to go and I'm really scared I'm making mistakes. I know these feelings are ones we all have, I know I'm not alone. I have great friends I love and care about and I'm almost always charming, charismatic and jovial, happy for each day I have but still, here's the story.

April 2007 I ended my marriage. I had to walk away from the woman I had been with for 9 years and my three kids. I of course didn't walk away from my kids but I had to let go of that dream I had of a family. I had to just let go, the woman fine, I can deal with that but the kids, phawk that was too much for me. My ex has a wonderful heart and she's a good but very lost woman with the worst childhood of anybody I'd ever met. Some people get sexually abused, some physically, some emotionally, she got them all.

This started a year long road of figuring out who I was, trying to fill voids in my life with women and for the most part would have been VERY unpleasant if I wasn't so growth oriented. Because I hold myself accountable for everything the inevitable question of why I picked the woman I did was bound to come up and I didn't like that answers. I figured while I was cleaning house I would do it all you know, not avoid anything, not run, not hide, just face it and become a person I loved, that other people could love. A better father, friend, child and human being, one I was proud to be.

So it became clear, my insecurities, I picked her for many of the wrong reasons my insecurities being up there. She was damaged (in my mind I was going to "fix" her) in the eyes of many so I didn't feel this pressure I would ruin her life because I always end up feeling like I'm so messed up I'm not going to be any good for somebody. She was needy so she became dependent on me for so many things making me feel more secure. Wow, I'm crying as I type this, I was just a kid you know, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know any better. Even though that's no longer me I still did it, sitting here looking at a blurred screen through tears of the past. Well, I have used these tears to water the seeds of my future all the same. I know I had codependency issues from my parents relationship, I just faced it all, alone. That's all fine, I dug deep, shinned a light on the worst shadows of myself and I cleaned house. I fixed me and I am proud of the person I have become, I am somebody I love and I have this huge heart I want to share with somebody.

But now, I'm sitting here, tears running down my face, positive still, happy still but so lost. I have no idea where to go, in everything I've learned about myself I have let go of the things that motivate most from television and money to owning things and impressing people. What do you do when your motivation in life is to grow and become more self aware, I have no job, I'm so totally broke it isn't funny and I don't want anything. These are positive things, I'm happy to feel this way but it also leaves me feeling like I have no direction.

I just want to go home right now, I wanna go home and feel safe and warm and loved and cared about and understood and have it all be unconditional. I know, we all want this, I just don't have a home and I need to rebuild one and I'm pretty scared and I don't know what to do next. I'm scared that I'll mess up again and ruin somebody, I'm scared, this wasn't here when I was younger but it is now.

So tomorrow, you know what I'll do? I'm going to wake up happy to be alive, I'm going to smile, enjoy a shower and the smell of my organic soap. I'm going to see a blue sky full of sun, take in a deep breath and start my day. I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how scared I get, no matter how lost I think I may be, no matter how confused or anything else. I will keep on going because I don't need it all to be good, I don't need to always know where I'm going and in the end, if you hold on too hard on the bumpy roads you're going to feel like a long ride. It just isn't always an easy thing to do and it doesn't seem like many people wanna wake up and live instead of just existing.

I can't proof this, I don't think it's anything more than a foolish ramble but I can't read what I wrote, it was what I felt but if I read it my Ti will never let me post it so I'm sorry for typos. I'm also sorry if I didn't write this as a full story or I forgot details like I no longer talk to my parents and haven't in over a year since addressing the issues we had.

Writing is hard for me and leaves me at a solid 60% handi-cap, processing Fe is hard for me. The latter I've done so much of the past couple years most people that get to know me question my ENTP status but it's still VERY energy consuming.

I'm okay I promise and please don't respond trying to help me because it would make me uncomfortable. I needed to let this out, to say that I'm so scared sometimes I wanna give up, that I'm so unsure of what to do I wanna do nothing but I just keep at it and it becomes easier and easier though not always comfortable. I think this was brought on by some huge changes and uncertainty in my life at the moment, it's positive I'm fairly sure but all change, even change for the better comes with discomfort .

You left your wife even though you admit shes a good person.

You feel bad about this.

That is your problem

 

[Samvega]

You left your wife even though you admit shes a good person.

You feel bad about this.

That is your problem

Good sir, you need a little more life under your belt still, think, speak, think some more. You're young, you need to learn that instead of the speak, think, speak some more approach you're taking.

Maybe this will allow you to see something I would think was second nature to an ENTP, to see possibilities.

"Codependency"

I miss the disfunction, the rush, the adrenaline...the codependency that has you convinced the more you hurt the deeper you love. I'm moving forward so fast that I can't look back without crashing but I want just one more hit. I want to feel it again, alive, I want to feel alive again. Those fights were amazing, upset stomach, blood in my spit from from the emotions pouring out of my mouth. I wanna feel it suck me in, I want to be right in the middle of another battle were the only soldiers lost are the future years of a healthy relationship. Now healthy just feels so normal, nothing, flat. How could it ever compare? Am I ruined for life because of this? Yes, of course there was fire in bed, with that much fuel, so much anger of course there was a fire and it was huge and out of control. Love can pass itself off as so many things, love can convince you of so much, blind you and take over every single ounce of your true you. There was a day I looked at you and wanted to consume you, this isn't a figurative statement, I wanted...to consume you. Just take a bite of you so you were always there. I felt like I couldn't function without you, without us, without me taking care of you. Us gives me focus, purpose, a reason to live and it was all love, I swear it was all done out of love. There was no insecurity, there was no manipulation, no wanting to control you, own you or anything else it was all love! It was love and I won't accept anything else as the cause.

Now I'm in the clear, in a clear head, clean body, fresh mind, lifted spirits and nothing to cloud my judgement. I lived, I survived the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my life. The world didn't end and you are a better person today without my foot on your neck. I was so scared to have things change, so scared I would have done whatever I could to prevent it. It was all done out of love my ass, it was all born from the darkest, ugliest most insecure place of my being. I have shined the brightest light I could find on that place so that mistake is learned from and never repeated. I don't know this world, I don't know it's people. I know me and couldn't venture a guess at why seeing the light for some is sadly a 100 year lesson. I'm thankful it wasn't for me, I'm thankful for you and for our children. We can all get out of this shadow and I hope grow, apart, together, whatever but grow. For my roll I'm sorry, it was the idea of love that put us in this spot but it was true love that got us out of it. To any outsider, it wouldn't be seen that way but it's what's in my heart that counts. Sometimes loving means being willing to walk away.

 

[highlander]

You left your wife even though you admit shes a good person.

You feel bad about this.

That is your problem

 

[Qre:us]

Don't get bogged down with trying to answer what is next, answer instead: how.

How do you think you can alleviate feeling lost, defeated and confused?

You are a buddhist, I see. Well, they say that ties to the material world binds us, sometimes, too tightly. Maya. Illusion. Most of us are not fit to give up this material world, which is okay. Just acknowledge that when those moments come, inevitably, where you glimpse the sleight of hand of the maya, it brings a lot of confusion and restriction. It is the price, and the glory, of such a state of life.

Don't fight it, unless you can truly give up this world. Just acknowledge, and move on.....to the how.

How can you be useful to this world? To the people that you cherish? How can you make tomorrow count in your mind? How?

Not what, how.

Manifest.

Karma.

 

[yenom]

I think you dwell on your feelings too much.
We all suffer pain and loss in life.
In spite of this, we need to move on. There are better things ahead of you.

 

[kimmus122]

You are beyond beautiful. I'm here for you.

 

[cascadeco]

Don't get bogged down with trying to answer what is next, answer instead: how.

How do you think you can alleviate feeling lost, defeated and confused?

You are a buddhist, I see. Well, they say that ties to the material world binds us, sometimes, too tightly. Maya. Illusion. Most of us are not fit to give up this material world, which is okay. Just acknowledge that when those moments come, inevitably, where you glimpse the sleight of hand of the maya, it brings a lot of confusion and restriction. It is the price, and the glory, of such a state of life.

Don't fight it, unless you can truly give up this world. Just acknowledge, and move on.....to the how.

How can you be useful to this world? To the people that you cherish? How can you make tomorrow count in your mind? How?

Not what, how.

Manifest.

Karma.

That's a really cool way of looking at it. I like it. How. I, too, often get caught up in the 'what' and the 'why' and the overanalyzing of everything, including myself.

To the OP - You'll figure it out. It's just a difficult, confusing road sometimes.