Don't get bogged down with trying to answer what is next, answer instead: how.
How do you think you can alleviate feeling lost, defeated and confused?
You are a buddhist, I see. Well, they say that ties to the material world binds us, sometimes, too tightly. Maya. Illusion. Most of us are not fit to give up this material world, which is okay. Just acknowledge that when those moments come, inevitably, where you glimpse the sleight of hand of the maya, it brings a lot of confusion and restriction. It is the price, and the glory, of such a state of life.
Don't fight it, unless you can truly give up this world. Just acknowledge, and move on.....to the how.
How can you be useful to this world? To the people that you cherish? How can you make tomorrow count in your mind? How?
Not what, how.
Thank you for such a wonderful, wise, well thought out post. It was beneficial for sure and thought provoking, something that is hard to find people capable of providing.
I think of the middle path (patipada) often, to walk it you must find it and to find the middle of anything you must find the ends. In life, this takes work, dedication, desire, sacrifices, too much, too little and in time a middle will be found, a place you find comfort, balance and peace. The goal is to do this without damaging yourself (or others) but also without remaining free of scars and wounds, to learn and grow from all of life not just the moments you enjoy the most. Samana.
None of the above is easy and few seem to have the desire and in some cases the capacity to do this. To me being lost (in the context of this post) is more about my struggle to find an acceptable balance.
I know Hinduism fairly well, Maya is not a belief of mine though I understand what you were saying.
Hmmmmm, I don't even know what to say, I don't need help or advice, this is my life and I will find my way. I'm not depressed, upset, bitter, angry, frustrated or even sad. I'm just lost and sometimes I feel defeated and I am confused, I don't know what to do now or which direction to go and I'm really scared I'm making mistakes. I know these feelings are ones we all have, I know I'm not alone. I have great friends I love and care about and I'm almost always charming, charismatic and jovial, happy for each day I have but still, here's the story.April 2007 I ended my marriage. I had to walk away from the woman I had been with for 9 years and my three kids. I of course didn't walk away from my kids but I had to let go of that dream I had of a family. I had to just let go, the woman fine, I can deal with that but the kids, phawk that was too much for me. My ex has a wonderful heart and she's a good but very lost woman with the worst childhood of anybody I'd ever met. Some people get sexually abused, some physically, some emotionally, she got them all.
This started a year long road of figuring out who I was, trying to fill voids in my life with women and for the most part would have been VERY unpleasant if I wasn't so growth oriented. Because I hold myself accountable for everything the inevitable question of why I picked the woman I did was bound to come up and I didn't like that answers. I figured while I was cleaning house I would do it all you know, not avoid anything, not run, not hide, just face it and become a person I loved, that other people could love. A better father, friend, child and human being, one I was proud to be.
So it became clear, my insecurities, I picked her for many of the wrong reasons my insecurities being up there. She was damaged (in my mind I was going to "fix" her) in the eyes of many so I didn't feel this pressure I would ruin her life because I always end up feeling like I'm so messed up I'm not going to be any good for somebody. She was needy so she became dependent on me for so many things making me feel more secure. Wow, I'm crying as I type this, I was just a kid you know, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know any better. Even though that's no longer me I still did it, sitting here looking at a blurred screen through tears of the past. Well, I have used these tears to water the seeds of my future all the same. I know I had codependency issues from my parents relationship, I just faced it all, alone. That's all fine, I dug deep, shinned a light on the worst shadows of myself and I cleaned house. I fixed me and I am proud of the person I have become, I am somebody I love and I have this huge heart I want to share with somebody.
But now, I'm sitting here, tears running down my face, positive still, happy still but so lost. I have no idea where to go, in everything I've learned about myself I have let go of the things that motivate most from television and money to owning things and impressing people. What do you do when your motivation in life is to grow and become more self aware, I have no job, I'm so totally broke it isn't funny and I don't want anything. These are positive things, I'm happy to feel this way but it also leaves me feeling like I have no direction.
I just want to go home right now, I wanna go home and feel safe and warm and loved and cared about and understood and have it all be unconditional. I know, we all want this, I just don't have a home and I need to rebuild one and I'm pretty scared and I don't know what to do next. I'm scared that I'll mess up again and ruin somebody, I'm scared, this wasn't here when I was younger but it is now.
So tomorrow, you know what I'll do? I'm going to wake up happy to be alive, I'm going to smile, enjoy a shower and the smell of my organic soap. I'm going to see a blue sky full of sun, take in a deep breath and start my day. I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how scared I get, no matter how lost I think I may be, no matter how confused or anything else. I will keep on going because I don't need it all to be good, I don't need to always know where I'm going and in the end, if you hold on too hard on the bumpy roads you're going to feel like a long ride. It just isn't always an easy thing to do and it doesn't seem like many people wanna wake up and live instead of just existing.
I can't proof this, I don't think it's anything more than a foolish ramble but I can't read what I wrote, it was what I felt but if I read it my Ti will never let me post it so I'm sorry for typos. I'm also sorry if I didn't write this as a full story or I forgot details like I no longer talk to my parents and haven't in over a year since addressing the issues we had.
Writing is hard for me and leaves me at a solid 60% handi-cap, processing Fe is hard for me. The latter I've done so much of the past couple years most people that get to know me question my ENTP status but it's still VERY energy consuming.
I'm okay I promise and please don't respond trying to help me because it would make me uncomfortable. I needed to let this out, to say that I'm so scared sometimes I wanna give up, that I'm so unsure of what to do I wanna do nothing but I just keep at it and it becomes easier and easier though not always comfortable. I think this was brought on by some huge changes and uncertainty in my life at the moment, it's positive I'm fairly sure but all change, even change for the better comes with discomfort.
Well, I know that you said that you're not asking for advice. But of course the Fi got the better of me. I can relate very much to how you handle things. It's being tough, its pushing through no matter what, its solving problems on your own.
I think sometimes though, in my own young experience, you need to be a little easier on yourself. You say that maybe tomorrow you want to jump out of bed an experience life to the fullest, be happy, etc. As much as you want to do that, sometimes, you need to accept that maybe, tomorrow, you want to lay in bed, acknowledge that you're human, have a good cry about it, sleep in. Not that I recommend this all the time, you don't want to wallow in your own sorrows.
But, you say that you want to be a good friend, father, everything, and I think to do so, first and foremost you need to be good to yourself. Let yourself be human, be sad, be bitter, even for a short while, before you tell yourself that you don't want to be afraid and you want to keep pushing through. Because after all, this is a rough time that you had to go through. Actually, I think that by acknowledging and nurturing your feelings, you can actually be stronger and happier much quicker than you would if you just say, "oh they are just feelings, I'll push on through."
I mean, I know that you're aware intellectually that walking away from a 9 year spouse (for good reason, although she was a good person) and your vision of the future is rough, codependancy is rough, etc. But then it seemed like you went on to just fight it like it was a war battle, and rejected the emotions that went along with it. Or at least treated them like they were more small tasks to overcome. You say that you're lost, not bitter, depressed, or whatever. Well, perhaps its easier to feel lost and confused than really trudge through being sad and lonely?
I guess i'm not giving advice so much as regurgitating things that i've learned from being this way myself. I don't really understand what you're going through, but this is what I read from it.
Love, your opposite type, (function wise.)
ps: I like your synopsis on codependancy.
pss: The bolded was just some of the evidence I picked up of you trying to be strong and push through.
06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box
Thanks for your honesty. This is very brave and will require courage on a continuous basis. Breaking a pattern of codependency means breaking and making yourself, letting go of old patterns so deeply embedded in our nature. They shape our desires and our responses to the world - like you said, what makes you happy - the drama, what seems unbearable - the calm. In the process of making yourself over, it makes sense that you would reach out for the old, the familiar for that fix.
Yet - you know better because you've worked so hard on these changes made, the steps already taken. The moments of calm achieved have taken work and the glimpses of the new, raw you, the one who will not look for a fragile creature to protect at the expense of neglecting himself are comforting and provide promise. A promise of providing for himself, not just the partner, a happy, comfortable home he desires. A promise of meeting someone strong who will meet you half way.
For now, you can take really good care of yourself. The kind of care you would hope to provide someone new you meet. The kind of care you deserve. Feeling lost and confused is good. Blindly following a path that destroys us slowly is worse.
I like your words on the middle path. It really appeals to me. I've been thinking about this a lot this week - this strange balance in life and matters of the heart. Balance between self care and caring for someone else. I fear codependency because it implies the loss of caring for oneself. I also fear detachment because it implies not caring for the other at all. Somewhere in the middle lies a happy balance.
A crucial skill for achieving this balance, in my humble opinion, is the ability to accept love, not just provide it. Loving oneself, caring for oneself, allowing oneself to be lost and confused -- all without judgment are good steps towards honing this skill. You're right, one foot before the other for now. Sometimes that's all we can do.