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Thread: INTP coldness

  1. #1
    Senior Member groovejet02's Avatar
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    Default INTP coldness

    So, I broke up with my ex a month ago. I was in denial for the first two weeks after the break-up, pining for her and under the illusion that things didn't change much, and that maybe, maybe one day we could be together one day again (we even texted and called each other).

    Those two weeks, as you may guess, were miserable, and when talking to my friends about my ex, I always justified her behavior in some way ("Yes, what she did was wrong, but if you look at it from a different way ..") and upholding her character strengths, despite her apparent weaknesses (which contributed to my breaking up with her).

    Anyway, well into the end of the second week of the break-up, my friend told me, "you should stop talking to her and about her" and illustrated the example of her own ex, who was equally charismatic and manipulative as mine. At first I protested, making excuses for my ex's behavior and reminding my friend that my ex did some wonderful things, but then I slept on what my friend told me, and the next day I emailed my ex to not contact me ever again.

    It has now been two weeks since the email, and I'm surprisingly coping very well over the break-up. Yes, sometimes I do think of my ex, and of the lovely memories we had, but for the most part, she has become an abstract thought at the back of my mind. Most of the time I don't really remind myself of the things that we did together, and at the rare times I am suddenly transported back to these memories (and we did have great, emotionally-intense , exciting ones), I feel an emotional disconnect towards these experiences and shrug it off.

    I think it helps that I've always had my own strong character even before my ex came into my life, my passionate interests and hobbies, but I can't help but think that I am cold for getting over her so soon.

    Is this the (in)famous INTP 'All or Nothing' characteristic?

    I've had this experiences with a few other people in my life, but they were my best friends. I was extra attentive towards them, but when I realized that they did me wrong, and those mistakes were unforgivable, I shut the door towards them and never looked back.

    Can any of you relate to this? Or am I just unnaturally cold?

    And to non-INTPs, do you regard INTPs as cold?

  2. #2

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    Soon? I got over my incredibly beautiful ex in just about 2 weeks. We'd been together for 2 years. Lived together for some portion of the time. I do not think I'm cold, just realistic and decisive. I'm not afraid to face facts and I'm independent enough to know I'll be OK even if I'm hurting right now. I'm always ready to move on to bigger and better things, as soon as possible. It's just a matter of focus.

    No, I don't regard INTPs as cold. Can't really. I think they are very caring, in a sensible way. If that makes sense. They might appear a bit detached. But that's not the same as being cold. They will cater to your needs, if you remind them.

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    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    IMO I don't think we are cold...at least as far as T doms go. Would say however we prefer maintain or dignity and composure for heavy stuff like breakups.

    In fact there often is much inner turmoil that we hide.

    That being said it doesn't sound like you loved her that much
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    Quote Originally Posted by spamtar View Post
    IMO I don't think we are cold...at least as far as T doms go. Would say however we prefer maintain or dignity and composure for heavy stuff like breakups.

    In fact there often is much inner turmoil that we hide.
    Agree. And that helps! Cause no one can fool me, like myself. I can trivialize things to a point where I can't even remember what I was feeling anymore.

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    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Memphis View Post
    Cause no one can fool me, like myself.
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

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    Quote Originally Posted by spamtar View Post
    That being said it doesn't sound like you loved her that much
    What signs are you interpreting as meaning that?
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

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    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    OP, I have had these same thoughts in the past. I have cared about girls I was with very deeply and they always have kind of a special place to me. But, I think what I've seen in myself is that DURING the relationship when I begin to see that it's not working (that we're not compatible long-term) or if they do something to really turn me away (some deal-breaking activity), then I no longer WANT the relationship to work and so in my mind, it's already over. It may take me some time to really make a clean break. I may bring up the idea of a break-up right away and if she agrees, then that's good - we can move on. But, if I can see that it's hurting her, then I want to discuss it deeper with her and let out my reasons slowly and over time.

    An example was a 4-year relationship that I was in. After about 2.5 years, we were just fighting way too much. Great girl, loved her, but way too much bickering and fighting and drama over things that just don't matter to an INTP. We need peace in our lives. Fighting doesn't work for us. All it does is detract from the time we need to think about things and ponder. So, after 2.5 years, it still wasn't OVER to me. But, I began to show my frustration, bring up the fact that we are fighting entirely too much and that relationships shouldn't be like this. After 3.5 years, the fighting had gotten worse and more intense. So, I told her that it's not working. Something has to change big time, or we will have to part ways. I just can't keep doing this. I love you, care about you more than you know, but I can't continue to fight with you about this stuff and I won't continue to fight.

    We continued to talk it out (or fight it out actually), but it just got worse. So, at about the 4 year mark, I said "It's over." It was very difficult to actually break away for good because of the time we shared together, but at about the 3.5-year mark, I was already "checking out" (keep in mind that we discussed the issue for a whole year at this point - it was like I just suddenly woke up one morning with the crazy idea that it wouldn't work). So, at the 4-year mark, I had already had 6 months of dealing/coping with what was more than likely going to be a breakup. I had already digested it. So, at the 4-year mark when the break up actually went down, I had like a 1 to 2 month adjustment period where it was hard and sometimes sad, but it was also a big relief and I more or less adjusted quickly. I felt cold when I would talk to her and she would obviously be hurting, but I just had to realize that I had processed it DURING the last 6 months of our relationship.

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    psicobolche tcda's Avatar
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    It doesn't sound "too cold" to me, sounds normal for an INTP to throw themselves into their interests. It's better to do something constructive than sit around fulfilling a "misery" quota, you only live once after all.
    "Of course we spent our money in the good times. That's what you're supposed to do in good times! You can't save money in the good times. Then they wouldn't be good times, they'd be 'preparation for the bad times' times."

    "Every country in the world owes money. Everyone. So heere's what I dont get: who do they all owe it to, and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?"

    -Tommy Tiernan, Irish comedian.

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    The less you ruminate about her, the better.

  10. #10
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tcda View Post
    It doesn't sound "too cold" to me, sounds normal for an INTP to throw themselves into their interests. It's better to do something constructive than sit around fulfilling a "misery" quota, you only live once after all.
    You have a good point. I think INTP's try to live life "efficiently" - and to us that includes enjoying life (we don't just seek to be efficient at work and with our time, we seek to be efficient in getting enough leisure time, rest, etc., but it's still "efficient" because it's necessary to being happy). But, once a relationship is over (and although it can cause pain), it's no longer efficient for me to spend time on it. If there were kids involved, then that would be different. But, if not, then I have to focus on things that are now important to the future. And since you're no longer in my future, the time I can spend wallowing and talking about yesterday's news is limited.

    I may still think about the past relationship in order to learn/analyze what I did wrong. I want to learn from it in order that I will grow as an individual and be that much better/understanding in the next relationship, but I don't want to mope. It's inefficient to my overall happiness and does me no good. Also, I've got to stay positive, lest I slip into some sort of depression.

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