[INTP] INTP coldness

[groovejet02]

So, I broke up with my ex a month ago. I was in denial for the first two weeks after the break-up, pining for her and under the illusion that things didn't change much, and that maybe, maybe one day we could be together one day again (we even texted and called each other).

Those two weeks, as you may guess, were miserable, and when talking to my friends about my ex, I always justified her behavior in some way ("Yes, what she did was wrong, but if you look at it from a different way ..") and upholding her character strengths, despite her apparent weaknesses (which contributed to my breaking up with her).

Anyway, well into the end of the second week of the break-up, my friend told me, "you should stop talking to her and about her" and illustrated the example of her own ex, who was equally charismatic and manipulative as mine. At first I protested, making excuses for my ex's behavior and reminding my friend that my ex did some wonderful things, but then I slept on what my friend told me, and the next day I emailed my ex to not contact me ever again.

It has now been two weeks since the email, and I'm surprisingly coping very well over the break-up. Yes, sometimes I do think of my ex, and of the lovely memories we had, but for the most part, she has become an abstract thought at the back of my mind. Most of the time I don't really remind myself of the things that we did together, and at the rare times I am suddenly transported back to these memories (and we did have great, emotionally-intense , exciting ones), I feel an emotional disconnect towards these experiences and shrug it off.

I think it helps that I've always had my own strong character even before my ex came into my life, my passionate interests and hobbies, but I can't help but think that I am cold for getting over her so soon.

Is this the (in)famous INTP 'All or Nothing' characteristic?

I've had this experiences with a few other people in my life, but they were my best friends. I was extra attentive towards them, but when I realized that they did me wrong, and those mistakes were unforgivable, I shut the door towards them and never looked back.

Can any of you relate to this? Or am I just unnaturally cold?

And to non-INTPs, do you regard INTPs as cold?

 

[Memphis]

Soon? I got over my incredibly beautiful ex in just about 2 weeks. We'd been together for 2 years. Lived together for some portion of the time. I do not think I'm cold, just realistic and decisive. I'm not afraid to face facts and I'm independent enough to know I'll be OK even if I'm hurting right now. I'm always ready to move on to bigger and better things, as soon as possible. It's just a matter of focus.

No, I don't regard INTPs as cold. Can't really. I think they are very caring, in a sensible way. If that makes sense. They might appear a bit detached. But that's not the same as being cold. They will cater to your needs, if you remind them.

 

[Spamtar]

IMO I don't think we are cold...at least as far as T doms go. Would say however we prefer maintain or dignity and composure for heavy stuff like breakups.

In fact there often is much inner turmoil that we hide.

That being said it doesn't sound like you loved her that much

 

[Memphis]

IMO I don't think we are cold...at least as far as T doms go. Would say however we prefer maintain or dignity and composure for heavy stuff like breakups.

In fact there often is much inner turmoil that we hide.

Agree. And that helps! Cause no one can fool me, like myself. I can trivialize things to a point where I can't even remember what I was feeling anymore.

 

[Spamtar]

Cause no one can fool me, like myself.

 

[Totenkindly]

That being said it doesn't sound like you loved her that much

What signs are you interpreting as meaning that?

 

[INTPness]

OP, I have had these same thoughts in the past. I have cared about girls I was with very deeply and they always have kind of a special place to me. But, I think what I've seen in myself is that DURING the relationship when I begin to see that it's not working (that we're not compatible long-term) or if they do something to really turn me away (some deal-breaking activity), then I no longer WANT the relationship to work and so in my mind, it's already over. It may take me some time to really make a clean break. I may bring up the idea of a break-up right away and if she agrees, then that's good - we can move on. But, if I can see that it's hurting her, then I want to discuss it deeper with her and let out my reasons slowly and over time.

An example was a 4-year relationship that I was in. After about 2.5 years, we were just fighting way too much. Great girl, loved her, but way too much bickering and fighting and drama over things that just don't matter to an INTP. We need peace in our lives. Fighting doesn't work for us. All it does is detract from the time we need to think about things and ponder. So, after 2.5 years, it still wasn't OVER to me. But, I began to show my frustration, bring up the fact that we are fighting entirely too much and that relationships shouldn't be like this. After 3.5 years, the fighting had gotten worse and more intense. So, I told her that it's not working. Something has to change big time, or we will have to part ways. I just can't keep doing this. I love you, care about you more than you know, but I can't continue to fight with you about this stuff and I won't continue to fight.

We continued to talk it out (or fight it out actually), but it just got worse. So, at about the 4 year mark, I said "It's over." It was very difficult to actually break away for good because of the time we shared together, but at about the 3.5-year mark, I was already "checking out" (keep in mind that we discussed the issue for a whole year at this point - it was like I just suddenly woke up one morning with the crazy idea that it wouldn't work). So, at the 4-year mark, I had already had 6 months of dealing/coping with what was more than likely going to be a breakup. I had already digested it. So, at the 4-year mark when the break up actually went down, I had like a 1 to 2 month adjustment period where it was hard and sometimes sad, but it was also a big relief and I more or less adjusted quickly. I felt cold when I would talk to her and she would obviously be hurting, but I just had to realize that I had processed it DURING the last 6 months of our relationship.

 

[tcda]

It doesn't sound "too cold" to me, sounds normal for an INTP to throw themselves into their interests. It's better to do something constructive than sit around fulfilling a "misery" quota, you only live once after all.

 

[pardo]

The less you ruminate about her, the better.

 

[INTPness]

It doesn't sound "too cold" to me, sounds normal for an INTP to throw themselves into their interests. It's better to do something constructive than sit around fulfilling a "misery" quota, you only live once after all.

You have a good point. I think INTP's try to live life "efficiently" - and to us that includes enjoying life (we don't just seek to be efficient at work and with our time, we seek to be efficient in getting enough leisure time, rest, etc., but it's still "efficient" because it's necessary to being happy). But, once a relationship is over (and although it can cause pain), it's no longer efficient for me to spend time on it. If there were kids involved, then that would be different. But, if not, then I have to focus on things that are now important to the future. And since you're no longer in my future, the time I can spend wallowing and talking about yesterday's news is limited.

I may still think about the past relationship in order to learn/analyze what I did wrong. I want to learn from it in order that I will grow as an individual and be that much better/understanding in the next relationship, but I don't want to mope. It's inefficient to my overall happiness and does me no good. Also, I've got to stay positive, lest I slip into some sort of depression.

 

[Litmus]

Yes, sometimes I do think of my ex, and of the lovely memories we had, but for the most part, she has become an abstract thought at the back of my mind.

I relate to most of what has been said thus far (I'm technically Ti-dominant). But even though I find it relatively easy to get beyond the reality of hurtfulness and compartmentalize it practically, this is the part I struggle with the most. The fact that people lost become abstract ideals. When you can reduce a person to an abstraction, the hurt associated with the person seems to go away, but the abstraction itself, that remains. And then I find myself subconsciously seeking out those same abstractions...
Eerie.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I think it helps that I've always had my own strong character even before my ex came into my life, my passionate interests and hobbies, but I can't help but think that I am cold for getting over her so soon.

Is this the (in)famous INTP 'All or Nothing' characteristic?

...Can any of you relate to this? Or am I just unnaturally cold?

And to non-INTPs, do you regard INTPs as cold?

I think sometimes the obligation to feel something can be a major off-switch for emotions.

There are a great many societal expectations placed on relationships - what people are supposed to feel for the other, how people are supposed to behave, boundaries that are to be maintained, and best of all the assumption that everyone must have an intimate, romantic relationship or there is something wrong with them. Some individuals and some relationships don't naturally align with those assumptions. Sometimes people maintain a facade of feeling some sort of attachment to their partner because of negative judgments placed on failing to do so. If I don't feel attachment for my partner I've been with for x number of years, I must be "cold", or I have "failed", or I'm "not nice enough for a relationship". Understanding why you don't feel that attachment without judging it can be important. I guess what I am saying is that when an INTP feels less attachment than society expects, there is typically a reason for it.

 

[INTPness]

Also, I should say that although I've moved on, I still care about the individual and really hope that they are doing well. I may want to call them on occasion to see how they're doing. Or if I see the person, I am genuinely concerned/interested in knowing how they have been doing. So, it's hard to say that we're "cold". We just have to stay positive and move forward. It's too easy to get caught up in a never-ending loop of negativity.

 

[cafe]

I wonder if it works the same way when the INTP is deeply in love with their partner, did not choose to break up, and believed things were going pretty well?

 

[tcda]

I wonder if it works the same way when the INTP is deeply in love with their partner, did not choose to break up, and believed things were going pretty well?

It would probably be a rougher ride, but I think there would be long periods of feeling nothing and getting on with life (though there would probably be a general numbly 'depressed' backdrop), interrupted with occassional Fe breakouts.

In my experience anyway though, once this is over and I actually put someone in the past, then that is it forever and I will have no interest in even seeing a picture or hearing their name again (i.e. the thought of all that Fe back at the time is exhausting, and contact with that person would be like being offered a dinner which you used to enjoy but which then made you violently ill).

 

[INTPness]

I wonder if it works the same way when the INTP is deeply in love with their partner, did not choose to break up, and believed things were going pretty well?

The partner I talked about in my post knew VERY WELL that things were not going good. In an intimate relationship, INTP's will let you know if something is not right. You will know we aren't happy.

With that said, I have experienced the other side of it, and it pretty much goes like this:

It would probably be a rougher ride, ........ (but)
once this is over and I actually put someone in the past, then that is it forever and I will have no interest in even seeing a picture or hearing their name again (i.e. the thought of all that Fe back at the time is exhausting, and contact with that person would be like being offered a dinner which you used to enjoy but which then made you violently ill).

For me it felt like, "Wow, you really got to that place where you were able to hurt me pretty badly." It took some time to recover and get back to being myself, but once I did, it's over and it's part of the past. Like the dinner that makes you ill, why would you want to eat that again?

 

[cafe]

The partner I talked about in my post knew VERY WELL that things were not going good.

I wasn't making any implications about that. I was just thinking that it's not accurate for a person to think of themselves as being cold for getting over a relationship easily if they were already of the mindset that relationship is not working, unlikely to ever work, and the end is inevitable if not imminent. Probably, they are just waiting for it to finally die a merciful death and feel more relief than anything else.

In an intimate relationship, INTP's will let you know if something is not right. You will know we aren't happy.

It may be true of some INTPs but I don't buy it as a general truth. From what I've observed, it takes them awhile to even realize the are unhappy, then pinpoint what it is that is making them unhappy, then the have to decide if it's a valid thing for them to be made unhappy by, then they have to decide if it's worth the possible conflict that bringing it up would cause, then they have to work up the energy to bring it up. By then, they might be over the whole dang relationship because it's too much trouble, but they also dislike closure, etc, etc, etc.

With that said, I have experienced the other side of it, and it pretty much goes like this:




For me it felt like, "Wow, you really got to that place where you were able to hurt me pretty badly." It took some time to recover and get back to being myself, but once I did, it's over and it's part of the past. Like the dinner that makes you ill, why would you want to eat that again?

That's pretty much what I'd expect with the recovery time varying depending on the investment in the relationship. Also a possible 'once burnt, twice careful' / 'sadder but wiser' attitude.

 

[INTPness]

It may be true of some INTPs but I don't buy it as a general truth. From what I've observed, it takes them awhile to even realize the are unhappy, then pinpoint what it is that is making them unhappy, then the have to decide if it's a valid thing for them to be made unhappy by, then they have to decide if it's worth the possible conflict that bringing it up would cause, then they have to work up the energy to bring it up. By then, they might be over the whole dang relationship because it's too much trouble, but they also dislike closure, etc, etc, etc.

Hmmm. If I'm still getting to know someone (first 6 months, let's say), then I can relate to "not being sure if I should bring it up". But, once I'm close to you and we know each other well, I have no problem voicing my opinion to you (and bluntly, if I'm very frustrated) openly and in quick fashion. No need to let things linger. If there's a problem, we need to talk. That way, the problem can be resolved and we can continue being happy.

As far as not knowing if I'm happy or not at a given time (or why I'm unhappy), I can't relate to that at all. In fact, I'd say that on any given day I know both (a) whether I'm happy and (b) what's causing grief/frustration in my life. Maybe that's rare for INTP's, I don't know. It would be extremely frustrating to NOT know these things, because then I wouldn't know what to do or how to fix them. Knowing these things is indeed a priority for me.

That's pretty much what I'd expect with the recovery time varying depending on the investment in the relationship. Also a possible 'once burnt, twice careful' / 'sadder but wiser' attitude.

Yes and yes.

 

[cafe]

Hmmm. If I'm still getting to know someone (first 6 months, let's say), then I can relate to "not being sure if I should bring it up". But, once I'm close to you and we know each other well, I have no problem voicing my opinion to you (and bluntly, if I'm very frustrated) openly and in quick fashion. No need to let things linger. If there's a problem, we need to talk. That way, the problem can be resolved and we can continue being happy.

As far as not knowing if I'm happy or not at a given time (or why I'm unhappy), I can't relate to that at all. In fact, I'd say that on any given day I know both (a) whether I'm happy and (b) what's causing grief/frustration in my life. Maybe that's rare for INTP's, I don't know. It would be extremely frustrating to NOT know these things, because then I wouldn't know what to do or how to fix them. Knowing these things is indeed a priority for me.

That's good and, IMO, pretty healthy. My own INTP had a rather . . . well, his mother was fairly volatile and it left him pretty gun shy with expressing feelings of discontent and from what I've seen on this forum an INTPc this isn't uncommon.

We're fortunate, I think, that I'm pretty good at picking up on subtle cues once I calibrate for them, I like him how he is, and I'm very invested in doing what I can to make him happy. I can easily see, though, how you could miss an INTP's unhappiness cues unless s/he was more forthcoming than average and/or you knew what to look for.