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Thread: INTP coldness

  1. #11
    Junior Member Litmus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by groovejet02 View Post
    Yes, sometimes I do think of my ex, and of the lovely memories we had, but for the most part, she has become an abstract thought at the back of my mind.
    I relate to most of what has been said thus far (I'm technically Ti-dominant). But even though I find it relatively easy to get beyond the reality of hurtfulness and compartmentalize it practically, this is the part I struggle with the most. The fact that people lost become abstract ideals. When you can reduce a person to an abstraction, the hurt associated with the person seems to go away, but the abstraction itself, that remains. And then I find myself subconsciously seeking out those same abstractions...
    Eerie.

  2. #12
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by groovejet02 View Post
    I think it helps that I've always had my own strong character even before my ex came into my life, my passionate interests and hobbies, but I can't help but think that I am cold for getting over her so soon.

    Is this the (in)famous INTP 'All or Nothing' characteristic?

    ...Can any of you relate to this? Or am I just unnaturally cold?

    And to non-INTPs, do you regard INTPs as cold?
    I think sometimes the obligation to feel something can be a major off-switch for emotions.

    There are a great many societal expectations placed on relationships - what people are supposed to feel for the other, how people are supposed to behave, boundaries that are to be maintained, and best of all the assumption that everyone must have an intimate, romantic relationship or there is something wrong with them. Some individuals and some relationships don't naturally align with those assumptions. Sometimes people maintain a facade of feeling some sort of attachment to their partner because of negative judgments placed on failing to do so. If I don't feel attachment for my partner I've been with for x number of years, I must be "cold", or I have "failed", or I'm "not nice enough for a relationship". Understanding why you don't feel that attachment without judging it can be important. I guess what I am saying is that when an INTP feels less attachment than society expects, there is typically a reason for it.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  3. #13
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Also, I should say that although I've moved on, I still care about the individual and really hope that they are doing well. I may want to call them on occasion to see how they're doing. Or if I see the person, I am genuinely concerned/interested in knowing how they have been doing. So, it's hard to say that we're "cold". We just have to stay positive and move forward. It's too easy to get caught up in a never-ending loop of negativity.

  4. #14
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I wonder if it works the same way when the INTP is deeply in love with their partner, did not choose to break up, and believed things were going pretty well?
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  5. #15
    psicobolche tcda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I wonder if it works the same way when the INTP is deeply in love with their partner, did not choose to break up, and believed things were going pretty well?
    It would probably be a rougher ride, but I think there would be long periods of feeling nothing and getting on with life (though there would probably be a general numbly 'depressed' backdrop), interrupted with occassional Fe breakouts.

    In my experience anyway though, once this is over and I actually put someone in the past, then that is it forever and I will have no interest in even seeing a picture or hearing their name again (i.e. the thought of all that Fe back at the time is exhausting, and contact with that person would be like being offered a dinner which you used to enjoy but which then made you violently ill).
    "Of course we spent our money in the good times. That's what you're supposed to do in good times! You can't save money in the good times. Then they wouldn't be good times, they'd be 'preparation for the bad times' times."

    "Every country in the world owes money. Everyone. So heere's what I dont get: who do they all owe it to, and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?"

    -Tommy Tiernan, Irish comedian.

  6. #16
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I wonder if it works the same way when the INTP is deeply in love with their partner, did not choose to break up, and believed things were going pretty well?
    The partner I talked about in my post knew VERY WELL that things were not going good. In an intimate relationship, INTP's will let you know if something is not right. You will know we aren't happy.

    With that said, I have experienced the other side of it, and it pretty much goes like this:


    Quote Originally Posted by tcda View Post
    It would probably be a rougher ride, ........ (but)
    once this is over and I actually put someone in the past, then that is it forever and I will have no interest in even seeing a picture or hearing their name again (i.e. the thought of all that Fe back at the time is exhausting, and contact with that person would be like being offered a dinner which you used to enjoy but which then made you violently ill).
    For me it felt like, "Wow, you really got to that place where you were able to hurt me pretty badly." It took some time to recover and get back to being myself, but once I did, it's over and it's part of the past. Like the dinner that makes you ill, why would you want to eat that again?

  7. #17
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    The partner I talked about in my post knew VERY WELL that things were not going good.
    I wasn't making any implications about that. I was just thinking that it's not accurate for a person to think of themselves as being cold for getting over a relationship easily if they were already of the mindset that relationship is not working, unlikely to ever work, and the end is inevitable if not imminent. Probably, they are just waiting for it to finally die a merciful death and feel more relief than anything else.
    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    In an intimate relationship, INTP's will let you know if something is not right. You will know we aren't happy.
    It may be true of some INTPs but I don't buy it as a general truth. From what I've observed, it takes them awhile to even realize the are unhappy, then pinpoint what it is that is making them unhappy, then the have to decide if it's a valid thing for them to be made unhappy by, then they have to decide if it's worth the possible conflict that bringing it up would cause, then they have to work up the energy to bring it up. By then, they might be over the whole dang relationship because it's too much trouble, but they also dislike closure, etc, etc, etc.

    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    With that said, I have experienced the other side of it, and it pretty much goes like this:




    For me it felt like, "Wow, you really got to that place where you were able to hurt me pretty badly." It took some time to recover and get back to being myself, but once I did, it's over and it's part of the past. Like the dinner that makes you ill, why would you want to eat that again?
    That's pretty much what I'd expect with the recovery time varying depending on the investment in the relationship. Also a possible 'once burnt, twice careful' / 'sadder but wiser' attitude.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  8. #18
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post

    It may be true of some INTPs but I don't buy it as a general truth. From what I've observed, it takes them awhile to even realize the are unhappy, then pinpoint what it is that is making them unhappy, then the have to decide if it's a valid thing for them to be made unhappy by, then they have to decide if it's worth the possible conflict that bringing it up would cause, then they have to work up the energy to bring it up. By then, they might be over the whole dang relationship because it's too much trouble, but they also dislike closure, etc, etc, etc.
    Hmmm. If I'm still getting to know someone (first 6 months, let's say), then I can relate to "not being sure if I should bring it up". But, once I'm close to you and we know each other well, I have no problem voicing my opinion to you (and bluntly, if I'm very frustrated) openly and in quick fashion. No need to let things linger. If there's a problem, we need to talk. That way, the problem can be resolved and we can continue being happy.

    As far as not knowing if I'm happy or not at a given time (or why I'm unhappy), I can't relate to that at all. In fact, I'd say that on any given day I know both (a) whether I'm happy and (b) what's causing grief/frustration in my life. Maybe that's rare for INTP's, I don't know. It would be extremely frustrating to NOT know these things, because then I wouldn't know what to do or how to fix them. Knowing these things is indeed a priority for me.


    That's pretty much what I'd expect with the recovery time varying depending on the investment in the relationship. Also a possible 'once burnt, twice careful' / 'sadder but wiser' attitude.
    Yes and yes.

  9. #19
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    Hmmm. If I'm still getting to know someone (first 6 months, let's say), then I can relate to "not being sure if I should bring it up". But, once I'm close to you and we know each other well, I have no problem voicing my opinion to you (and bluntly, if I'm very frustrated) openly and in quick fashion. No need to let things linger. If there's a problem, we need to talk. That way, the problem can be resolved and we can continue being happy.

    As far as not knowing if I'm happy or not at a given time (or why I'm unhappy), I can't relate to that at all. In fact, I'd say that on any given day I know both (a) whether I'm happy and (b) what's causing grief/frustration in my life. Maybe that's rare for INTP's, I don't know. It would be extremely frustrating to NOT know these things, because then I wouldn't know what to do or how to fix them. Knowing these things is indeed a priority for me.
    That's good and, IMO, pretty healthy. My own INTP had a rather . . . well, his mother was fairly volatile and it left him pretty gun shy with expressing feelings of discontent and from what I've seen on this forum an INTPc this isn't uncommon.

    We're fortunate, I think, that I'm pretty good at picking up on subtle cues once I calibrate for them, I like him how he is, and I'm very invested in doing what I can to make him happy. I can easily see, though, how you could miss an INTP's unhappiness cues unless s/he was more forthcoming than average and/or you knew what to look for.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

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