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  1. #1

    Default ENTJs (or maybe NTs) - always being told to "calm down"?

    I was just accused by a friend of always appearing on the verge of being pissed off. As far as I know, I've never actually been pissed off at this friend. The thing is, most of the time when I appear pissed off (or close to being pissed), I'm really just being very animated and passionate. That's my default mood when I'm speaking. I know some fellow ENTJs have complained about this same thing. I'm guessing other NTs probably wouldn't be in the same camp, but I figured I'd leave the question open to everyone on here.

    How do you deal with such an accusation? Getting defensive and worked up about it probably isn't the way to go, but on the other hand, it's so frustrating that a lot of others seem to think that passion and enthusiasm for a particular thing means that we're offended or angry. I find that I appear rant-y about things when I ultimately don't even care that much about them, and it actually takes a lot to truly offend me. I guess the natural response might be just to tone it all down a bit, but my personality is pretty ingrained at this point, and I don't want to have to make a conscious choice throughout the day to have to tone myself down.

    (And yes, I realize the irony in starting a thread bitching about my friend's remark...)

  2. #2
    Senior Member Robert165's Avatar
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    I'm bipolar and have/had ADHD. So I know all about startling people. I think you have to examine your behavior objectively and decid ehow much of it is your actions and how much of it is other people. The more you can focus on being "calm" the less other people will have to react too.
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/robert165/

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  3. #3
    Pumpernickel
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    I would also like to learn how to deal with it. People always misunderstand the passion in the argument as passion FOR the argument. They can't help but associate feelings to a rational argument. Half of the time I don't even care about or believe in what I am arguing. I also don't even mention my actual point of view and they just assume.

    I really don't know what to do about it, sometimes I just accuse THEM of not being calm, and then they kind of get it.

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    Geolectric teslashock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by theplacesyoullgo View Post
    I was just accused by a friend of always appearing on the verge of being pissed off. As far as I know, I've never actually been pissed off at this friend. The thing is, most of the time when I appear pissed off (or close to being pissed), I'm really just being very animated and passionate.
    Is your friend an INFP?

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Robert165 View Post
    I'm bipolar and have/had ADHD. So I know all about startling people. I think you have to examine your behavior objectively and decid ehow much of it is your actions and how much of it is other people. The more you can focus on being "calm" the less other people will have to react too.
    Well, I suppose I just don't get why I should focus on being calm, period. I don't really understand what is so negative about being passionate about things. I tend to really respect people who are fully passionate about everything in their lives. I don't accuse people of being "too calm," so why should I have to deal with people telling me to "calm down" when I'm honestly not angry, hurt, or offended in the slightest?

    I realize this sounds contentious, and I'm really not aiming this directly at you - I think they're just fair points.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by teslashock View Post
    Is your friend an INFP?
    No. ENFP, I think, but close on T/F.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Nescio's Avatar
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    psh... I'm constantly being told to calm the heck down...

    Evidently I'm too happy, and my unnatural amount of energy freaks people out.

    I tone down (or maybe even bring it up a notch) but end up fogetting... and back where I was.

    --------

    I guess I have the same "problem"
    I also have been told I can come off strong.
    but its really just the excitment.

  8. #8
    ThatGirl
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    People generally see me as easy going and thick skinned, though not to be pushed. Usually when they think I need to calm down, I have absolutely no intention of doing so.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Robert165's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by theplacesyoullgo View Post
    Well, I suppose I just don't get why I should focus on being calm, period. I don't really understand what is so negative about being passionate about things. I tend to really respect people who are fully passionate about everything in their lives. I don't accuse people of being "too calm," so why should I have to deal with people telling me to "calm down" when I'm honestly not angry, hurt, or offended in the slightest?

    I realize this sounds contentious, and I'm really not aiming this directly at you - I think they're just fair points.
    Hey, i'm just trying to help and it's going to be difficult for us to come to agreement if you don't want to change. my only advice is if you don't like the way people react to you, you're going to have to change, at least a little, because the world has set patterns and reactions.

    Notice that I'm not getting into right or wrong or fair or unfair. Those distinctions don't matter. In fact, in this occasion thinking of what is "fair" does you no good because you are just being yourslef and the fair thing is to expect the world to accpet you. But, sadly, it doens't always work out that way.

    So I suggest you try and tone it down just a little and see if that helps any. Start with a couple small steps. Don't try to change your whole personality.
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/robert165/

    I'm just trying to do this Jigsaw puzzle, before it rains anymore.

  10. #10
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Why do you think this is an NT thing? I get veeerrryyy passionate about things sometimes and start spouting off about them. I've been told to calm down by my estj (?) dad and my isfp sister a LOT. I only get passionate around my close friends or family, but sometimes people seem to cringe--haha--even if I'm not even mad. I can just raise my voice in excitement when discussing something I don't want to lose the tendrils of thought of, or if something occurs to me that is a new thought, and people around me think I'm getting 'worked up' or am mad.

    I just tell them I am a passionate person. What can you do?

    EDIT: is this an Ni thing?
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