[NT] ENTJs (or maybe NTs) - always being told to "calm down"?

[theplacesyoullgo]

I was just accused by a friend of always appearing on the verge of being pissed off. As far as I know, I've never actually been pissed off at this friend. The thing is, most of the time when I appear pissed off (or close to being pissed), I'm really just being very animated and passionate. That's my default mood when I'm speaking. I know some fellow ENTJs have complained about this same thing. I'm guessing other NTs probably wouldn't be in the same camp, but I figured I'd leave the question open to everyone on here.

How do you deal with such an accusation? Getting defensive and worked up about it probably isn't the way to go, but on the other hand, it's so frustrating that a lot of others seem to think that passion and enthusiasm for a particular thing means that we're offended or angry. I find that I appear rant-y about things when I ultimately don't even care that much about them, and it actually takes a lot to truly offend me. I guess the natural response might be just to tone it all down a bit, but my personality is pretty ingrained at this point, and I don't want to have to make a conscious choice throughout the day to have to tone myself down.

(And yes, I realize the irony in starting a thread bitching about my friend's remark...)

 

[Robert165]

I'm bipolar and have/had ADHD. So I know all about startling people. I think you have to examine your behavior objectively and decid ehow much of it is your actions and how much of it is other people. The more you can focus on being "calm" the less other people will have to react too.

 

[JustHer]

I would also like to learn how to deal with it. People always misunderstand the passion in the argument as passion FOR the argument. They can't help but associate feelings to a rational argument. Half of the time I don't even care about or believe in what I am arguing. I also don't even mention my actual point of view and they just assume.

I really don't know what to do about it, sometimes I just accuse THEM of not being calm, and then they kind of get it.

 

[teslashock]

I was just accused by a friend of always appearing on the verge of being pissed off. As far as I know, I've never actually been pissed off at this friend. The thing is, most of the time when I appear pissed off (or close to being pissed), I'm really just being very animated and passionate.

Is your friend an INFP?

 

[theplacesyoullgo]

I'm bipolar and have/had ADHD. So I know all about startling people. I think you have to examine your behavior objectively and decid ehow much of it is your actions and how much of it is other people. The more you can focus on being "calm" the less other people will have to react too.

Well, I suppose I just don't get why I should focus on being calm, period. I don't really understand what is so negative about being passionate about things. I tend to really respect people who are fully passionate about everything in their lives. I don't accuse people of being "too calm," so why should I have to deal with people telling me to "calm down" when I'm honestly not angry, hurt, or offended in the slightest?

I realize this sounds contentious, and I'm really not aiming this directly at you - I think they're just fair points.

 

[theplacesyoullgo]

Is your friend an INFP?

No. ENFP, I think, but close on T/F.

 

[Nescio]

psh... I'm constantly being told to calm the heck down...

Evidently I'm too happy, and my unnatural amount of energy freaks people out.

I tone down (or maybe even bring it up a notch) but end up fogetting... and back where I was.

--------

I guess I have the same "problem"
I also have been told I can come off strong.
but its really just the excitment.

 

[ThatGirl]

People generally see me as easy going and thick skinned, though not to be pushed. Usually when they think I need to calm down, I have absolutely no intention of doing so.

 

[Robert165]

Well, I suppose I just don't get why I should focus on being calm, period. I don't really understand what is so negative about being passionate about things. I tend to really respect people who are fully passionate about everything in their lives. I don't accuse people of being "too calm," so why should I have to deal with people telling me to "calm down" when I'm honestly not angry, hurt, or offended in the slightest?

I realize this sounds contentious, and I'm really not aiming this directly at you - I think they're just fair points.

Hey, i'm just trying to help and it's going to be difficult for us to come to agreement if you don't want to change. my only advice is if you don't like the way people react to you, you're going to have to change, at least a little, because the world has set patterns and reactions.

Notice that I'm not getting into right or wrong or fair or unfair. Those distinctions don't matter. In fact, in this occasion thinking of what is "fair" does you no good because you are just being yourslef and the fair thing is to expect the world to accpet you. But, sadly, it doens't always work out that way.

So I suggest you try and tone it down just a little and see if that helps any. Start with a couple small steps. Don't try to change your whole personality.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Why do you think this is an NT thing? I get veeerrryyy passionate about things sometimes and start spouting off about them. I've been told to calm down by my estj (?) dad and my isfp sister a LOT. I only get passionate around my close friends or family, but sometimes people seem to cringe--haha--even if I'm not even mad. I can just raise my voice in excitement when discussing something I don't want to lose the tendrils of thought of, or if something occurs to me that is a new thought, and people around me think I'm getting 'worked up' or am mad.

I just tell them I am a passionate person. What can you do?

EDIT: is this an Ni thing?

 

[teslashock]

No. ENFP, I think, but close on T/F.

Well that question was supposed to be more of a joke, but I'm not terribly shocked to find that out.

I'll refrain from elaborating on NFPs and sensitivity. There are enough threads about that.

 

[theplacesyoullgo]

Robert - thanks, you're right, I suppose it's just all frustrating for me!

aphrodite - Of course all types include people who are especially passionate. I just remember having read various threads with ENTJs complaining about the same thing and wanted to start a discussion.

 

[Robert165]

Robert - thanks, you're right, I suppose it's just all frustrating for me!

that's why i suggested making minor adjustments.......

 

[theplacesyoullgo]

EDIT: is this an Ni thing?

I think this "problem" might be exaggerated in ENTJs especially because of the Te + Ni combination.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Robert - thanks, you're right, I suppose it's just all frustrating for me!

aphrodite - Of course all types include people who are especially passionate. I just remember having read various threads with ENTJs complaining about the same thing and wanted to start a discussion.

Well, I know what you meant, and I'm relating I have been told to calm down inordinantly more than any of my intimates, when I get heated about discussing something that I feel strongly about, or have intuited something new.

Edit: interesting because I actually test fairly high on Te.

 

[sharonrenee80]

haha...I tell ENTJs to calm down all the time, but I don't mean it as an insult. They just appear to get ahead of themselves sometimes!

I wonder if there aren't some people in your life who calm you down w/out upsetting you. I like to think I calm down the ENTJs in my life w/out further pissing them off!!!

 

[theplacesyoullgo]

haha...I tell ENTJs to calm down all the time, but I don't mean it as an insult. They just appear to get ahead of themselves sometimes!

I wonder if there aren't some people in your life who calm you down w/out upsetting you. I like to think I calm down the ENTJs in my life w/out further pissing them off!!!

I think the reason why we get upset about being told to "calm down" (and variants on that - "just relax," etc.) is that we don't really see ourselves as being especially not calm in many situations in which we're told to chill out. It's annoying to be told to relax when I didn't even consider myself wound up. If I'm getting actually upset about something which is stupid, then by all means tell me to calm down and that I'm overacting... but most of the time, I'm just playing devil's advocate in an argument or expressing an opinion.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I think the reason why we get upset about being told to "calm down" (and variants on that - "just relax," etc.) is that we don't really see ourselves as being especially not calm in many situations in which we're told to chill out. It's annoying to be told to relax when I didn't even consider myself wound up. If I'm getting actually upset about something which is stupid, then by all means tell me to calm down and that I'm overacting... but most of the time, I'm just playing devil's advocate in an argument or expressing an opinion.

Or another thing.......when you play devil's advocate and people really get upset with you, like you are the bad guy, instead of realizing you are just role-playing and trying to help them see all sides!!! And don't tell me to calm down! haha I'll leave now........

 

[FDG]

You should just not care and keep on doing what you want.

 

[tinkerbell]

Yea I get the whole overly passionate, intense, over energetic... the last bit mainly at work... but stuff needs doing...

Ensuring you are not over streached if you can.... don't take on too much.

Right now I'm trying to work on defensiveness... to varing sucesses, not good at establishing boundaries working on that to help with the defensiveness