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[INTP] INTP's - How do you deal with comforting issues?

Fluffywolf

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When there is someone you care about, that has a problem that seems significant to that person. But the problem wouldn't be a problem for you. It's not in issue at all in your mind.

But you really want to comfort the person, tell them things will be ok. Show them empathy. In fact, when you're confronted with the situation, you visualise yourself doing so. But your real self just stops. Unable to move into that direction. Like an invisible wall preventing you from going there.

Last time someone fairly close to me had an emotional fit, clearly looking for companionship and someone to lean on. I told the person "You know, I wish I could comfort you, make you feel better and tell you everything is going to be ok. But I'm not going too...", and after saying that, I barely got the words "Trust me, you'll be fine." over my lips. And that was that.

What's up with that. I didn't really have much of a reason not to comfort the person. It wasn't a big issue. It wasn't an important issue. It didn't really clash with my principles. But it just didn't feel right. Couldn't do it, despite feeling empathy.

All just because I didn't relate to the problem of the person.


I think this is common amongst INTP's, that emotion. So I wondered, how do you deal with comforting people, about things you don't feel comfort is needed or justified to yourself?

For the record. I've no problem comforting people for things that would also hurt me.
 

Matthew_Z

That chalkboard guy
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To comfort people, I usually recap their situation and remind them that it's only bad in a bad context. In the grander scheme of things a problem is just one problem in a series of many problems, obstacles, failures, growths, and successes. The present situation is the result of input from the past and everything is going by some sort of system. The system (life, perhaps) peaks and valleys at many points, but the large number theorem will keep things closer to the average. Time is usually an ally and there's a leverage point to anything. All anyone needs to do is listen to the situation and respond accordingly. A panic will not assist the response.

I usually give that little speech in some form or another. Maybe add a hug and a "I can't say it's going to be okay, but I'm going to say that you have it in you the make the best of a situation."
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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That seems pretty cold and textbooky, Matthew (I think it's the words peaks and valleys, growths and successes, systems and leverage points)! It just seems kind of impersonal, rather than responding to someone who is obviously suffering (whether or not it particularly makes sense why they're suffering). The hug and the "I know you have it in you" part's nice though.

Most F types need open ears to vent to (without solutions) and sympathy time first before they will be able to shift their focus to the solution. Offering the solution too quickly will just give them one more thing to be upset about, rather than alleviating the burden. Therefore, what may seem to you like them spinning their tires, actually is them trying to clear a path for a solution to travel on. You are performing a valuable service just by expressing your concern or sympathy and doing whatever seems appropriate to make them feel better.

Fluffy - is it that you cannot actually visualize why they would be so upset, is it impatience with them making such a big deal out of something that seems minor (that usually interferes with my empathy), or is it that you just feel so uncomfortable in that context that it makes you shut down?

Maybe it's some kind of Fi-ishness (I may be totally mistaken about that, but I think a big part of Fi is being able to fuse with someone else's pain through vividly experiencing it yourself due to similar personal experiences or envisioning what it would be like. Maybe comforting feels kind of like a sham to you if you can't identify with what they are going through. I think Fi cares more specifically too, rather than distress of those who just happen to be near at hand. Maybe this has something to do with how well you know the person?)

EDIT: Whoops, just noticed after the fact that this was on the NT private subforum. Sorry all!
 

Miserable

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When there is someone you care about, that has a problem that seems significant to that person. But the problem wouldn't be a problem for you. It's not in issue at all in your mind.

But you really want to comfort the person, tell them things will be ok. Show them empathy. In fact, when you're confronted with the situation, you visualise yourself doing so. But your real self just stops. Unable to move into that direction. Like an invisible wall preventing you from going there.

Last time someone fairly close to me had an emotional fit, clearly looking for companionship and someone to lean on. I told the person "You know, I wish I could comfort you, make you feel better and tell you everything is going to be ok. But I'm not going too...", and after saying that, I barely got the words "Trust me, you'll be fine." over my lips. And that was that.

What's up with that. I didn't really have much of a reason not to comfort the person. It wasn't a big issue. It wasn't an important issue. It didn't really clash with my principles. But it just didn't feel right. Couldn't do it, despite feeling empathy.

All just because I didn't relate to the problem of the person.


I think this is common amongst INTP's, that emotion. So I wondered, how do you deal with comforting people, about things you don't feel comfort is needed or justified to yourself?

For the record. I've no problem comforting people for things that would also hurt me.

I think I distance myself further from the person, when I feel like that.
 

Matthew_Z

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Most F types need open ears to vent to (without solutions) and sympathy time first before they will be able to shift their focus to the solution. Offering the solution too quickly will just make give them one more thing to be upset about, rather than alleviating the burden. Therefore, what may seem to you like them spinning their tires, actually is them trying to clear a path for a solution to travel on. You are performing a valuable service just by expressing your concern or sympathy and doing whatever seems appropriate to make them feel better.

I've noticed that people in general, not necessarily Fs, prefer to have their venting and "getting it all out" phase before getting to the rational solution. I generally try not to deprive people of that venting period, but I'll keep in mind for my interactions with distressed people. ;)
 

Fluffywolf

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I think I distance myself further from the person, when I feel like that.

Yeah, I've caught myself doing that too. But if I care about to person enough to empathise with them, I would like to prevent that from happening naturally. :)
 

tcda

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Usually this stresses me. If I want to maintian a relationship with the person (not that common for me) I usually go quiet and umm and ahh sympathetically. As NT's we think in terms of competence and adding something "useful" but many people just want to talk and for you to be the excuse. You don't have to add some great insight, just be quiet and appear to be listening.
 

Miserable

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Yeah, I've caught myself doing that too. But if I care about to person enough to empathise with them, I would like to prevent that from happening naturally. :)

Are you talking about anyone?

I've never really cared enough about anyone to care about losing them, but I imagine if I really cared about someone I would most likely do something.

Usually this stresses me. If I want to maintian a relationship with the person (not that common for me) I usually go quiet and umm and ahh sympathetically. As NT's we think in terms of competence and adding something "useful" but many people just want to talk and for you to be the excuse. You don't have to add some great insight, just be quiet and appear to be listening.

If the person only wants me to listen, then the person is probably isn't wroth listening to, for me.
 

tcda

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That is indeed a good point.

However mere mortals have these things called "shortcomings"...in fact it occured to me that I might even have some shortcomings, and likewise that collective efforts are worthwhile and necessarry seeing as we are dependant upon society (i.e. socially created wealth and social conditions) to survive, so therefore, in order to maintain mutually beneficial relations with people (both in a psychological and practical sense), I may have to tolerate some shortcomings just as they do with me.

But maybe I'm just a sellout :p
 

Risen

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That seems pretty cold and textbooky, Matthew

I knew that was coming. The point is that feelers don't look at solutions to problems or different perspectives on a situation as a means of finding comfort during tumultuous times. They seem to want to engage in more emotion instead of abating/controlling the emotion as most thinkers would. Therefore, being a T and comforting an F can sometimes be an arduous task. Or maybe it's more of a woman thing since men tend to focus more on solutions to problems anyway. I dunno.
 

groovejet02

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I roll my eyes and tell them to suck it up.Or I just let them rant.
 

Miserable

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I roll my eyes and tell them to suck it up.Or I just let them rant.

I usually feel like telling them to shut the fuck up, out of impulse, if they decide to bitch about it. But that would do absolutely no good. Instead, I sometimes mock them, in a very subtle way, it would probably be impossible for them to notice.
 

Memphis

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I knew that was coming. The point is that feelers don't look at solutions to problems or different perspectives on a situation as a means of finding comfort during tumultuous times. They seem to want to engage in more emotion instead of abating/controlling the emotion as most thinkers would. Therefore, being a T and comforting an F can sometimes be an arduous task. Or maybe it's more of a woman thing since men tend to focus more on solutions to problems anyway. I dunno.

I'd say it's a T thing. I'm a woman, and I find myself cutting people off when they start to get really emotional. It's an impulse. Unless I think to myself "shut up and listen" - I'll instinctively cut them off in the middle of their emotional rant and give them several reasons to not feel that way or an alternative solution to their problem. Several times I've simply told them to fuck whatever is making them miserable/sad and switch focus.

I think it's a self-protection mechanism. I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to say/look like/do when someone, especially someone I'm close to, gets upset. So I stop them where I still feel like I have some control over the situation and try to give myself an escape to the situation basically.

I remember my mother crying in front of me, and I froze! Just told her whatever I thought she wanted to her, gave her an INTP hug ;) and got the hell out of there. I wanted to make her feel better so bad, but I couldn't handle the situation. (I was the one making her cry in the first place).
 

Eruca

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I would feel bad for them, and do my best to comfort them. Comforting someone for something I cannot understand is difficult however. In that situation, I'll lower my emotional barriers to show I feel for them while asking about their problems. I know that it helps to be able to talk about the problem (the person being comforted should be doing most of the talking).

*Edit* This is one of the few times I'll give a real hug rather than a "INTP hug".
 

Memphis

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I think the hug is so funny. It's like you guys are super aware of what you are doing. Like you know what is expected of you in theory, what a hug looks like - but you don't know how hard to squeeze or where to put your hands or for how long. So cute!
 

JocktheMotie

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I think the hug is so funny. It's like you guys are super aware of what you are doing. Like you know what is expected of you in theory, what a hug looks like - but you don't know how hard to squeeze or where to put your hands or for how long. So cute!

Ha! I know what you mean...

You know just because we're INTPs doesn't mean we don't like touching! I'm actually very touchy with a romantic partner, it's just anyone else I don't know what to do with myself if I get hugged for example. How do I hug and it be nice? Where do my hands go? Should we touch heads? Should I stoop to make the height differential less noticeable? How hard do I squeeze? How long do I hold on? Should I lift the person up slightly?

This is the madness I have to deal with.
 
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