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  1. #21
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Anyways, all hugging futility aside, the comforting role is not one I particularly enjoy. Like you, I have difficulty relating to the person's pain, and also become very acutely aware of how unequipped I am to deal with an emotional person. I always feel like there should be some natural human response of empathy that flows out of me when I see someone I love/like in pain, but there isn't. There's nothing, it's just perplexing. I will typically just listen attentively and mutter words that indicate as such, and unless directly asked I won't really offer anything in terms of insight.

    Now I usually just rub the person's back, as if they're throwing up. In my mind, it's almost the same thing.



  2. #22

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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    Anyways, all hugging futility aside, the comforting role is not one I particularly enjoy. Like you, I have difficulty relating to the person's pain, and also become very acutely aware of how unequipped I am to deal with an emotional person. I always feel like there should be some natural human response of empathy that flows out of me when I see someone I love/like in pain, but there isn't. There's nothing, it's just perplexing. I will typically just listen attentively and mutter words that indicate as such, and unless directly asked I won't really offer anything in terms of insight.

    Now I usually just rub the person's back, as if they're throwing up. In my mind, it's almost the same thing.
    In my mind, that's all comforting is about really. Listening and some kind of touching action. And a few "I understand" and nods. When people need comfort, they don't really need insight, solutions or advice. IME, that hasn't always been appreciated.

    EDIT: Funny story. Trying to have sex with them has worked! Maybe it took stuff off his mind..

  3. #23
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Memphis View Post
    In my mind, that's all comforting is about really. Listening and some kind of touching action. And a few "I understand" and nods. When people need comfort, they don't really need insight, solutions or advice. IME, that hasn't always been appreciated.

    EDIT: Funny story. Trying to have sex with them has worked! Maybe it took stuff off his mind..
    Odd.. Someone trying to have sex with me, I'd only distance myself further from. Freak!

    I've been told I am good at giving hugs, and I've only hugged one person in my entire life. So I got a good 10/10 rating so far. (Not counting hugs in already established relationships.)
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  4. #24
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    Odd.. Someone trying to have sex with me, I'd only distance myself further from. Freak!

    I've been told I am good at giving hugs, and I've only hugged one person in my entire life. So I got a good 10/10 rating so far. (Not counting hugs in already established relationships.)
    Yeah that'd be bizarre, HA! Unless it was an SO, in which case I'd never, EVER bring it up to her. Come to think of it, I never really tell anybody anything that bothers me whatsoever, got to keep it hidden.

    But that's good you got such a good hug rating! I'd quit while you're ahead and never hug anybody again in case you have an off-day and ruin your sterling hug reputation.



  5. #25
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    When there is someone you care about, that has a problem that seems significant to that person. But the problem wouldn't be a problem for you. It's not in issue at all in your mind.

    But you really want to comfort the person, tell them things will be ok. Show them empathy. In fact, when you're confronted with the situation, you visualise yourself doing so. But your real self just stops. Unable to move into that direction. Like an invisible wall preventing you from going there.

    Last time someone fairly close to me had an emotional fit, clearly looking for companionship and someone to lean on. I told the person "You know, I wish I could comfort you, make you feel better and tell you everything is going to be ok. But I'm not going too...", and after saying that, I barely got the words "Trust me, you'll be fine." over my lips. And that was that.
    I have had similar experiences. Sometimes I am really jealous of my NF kin... I just watch them in amazement, able to offer very openly and gracious emotional support that, for me, sometimes seems to be an impossibility. (actually, sometimes I even get mad at them, though, if I feel their overly supportive response is avoiding the issues or setting the person up for later disappointment, though.)

    My response is situational.

    Sometimes I can offer emotional support and direct encouragement when necessary... but it has to feel right... i.e., has to happen spontaneously, and has to make sense to me. If I feel what someone REALLY needs is to be left to figure things out on their own, or stand on their own two feet, or are being immature/stupid in some way, forget it. I have to be honest or I want to puke.

    It's very much like the invisible wall you describe. I feel sympathy, but if I open my mouth, nothing comes out.

    I can't offer pure emotional support when someone is needy, I pull away. What I naturally offer is situational insight and realistic encouragement. I can tell them what I see and equip them with knowledge; and I can give them a "realistic" rendition of the future. If I think the future might be dire, I can't say, "Oh, things will be okay" ... and if I do, I actually feel ill.

    And what social skills I developed to tailor my response to people's needs happened after I reached adulthood. I had to really work at it and grow myself.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  6. #26
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    But that's good you got such a good hug rating! I'd quit while you're ahead and never hug anybody again in case you have an off-day and ruin your sterling hug reputation.
    You bet ya.

    edit: Jen, yeah, that's exactly it. I feel ill as well if I say or do anything that I feel isn't right.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  7. #27
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    ... I feel ill as well if I say or do anything that I feel isn't right.
    isn't that part funny? That we can actually feel viscerally sick if we violate our natural approach to this and do something "inappropriate" for us?
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  8. #28
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    isn't that part funny? That we can actually feel viscerally sick if we violate our natural approach to this and do something "inappropriate" for us?
    I do admire the irony. But it can't be helped.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  9. #29
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    I am pretty good at comforting people. I think it is totally congruent with being an INTP. INTPs seek harmony. If someone feels bad that often means they have inner disharmony. Admittedly it is often difficult to sympathize with people when they get upset about trivial things.

    However in the big picture most things are trivial and I/we sometimes find ourselves getting upset about even more trivial things when our Fe inferior is on a roll. Part of us might want to say "suck it up", but we know those words will likely not help the other person. Therefore what is good medicine is not what we feel or think but what will place the subject in a process of feeling better.

    1. Quickly initially reframe situation in your head so you the INTP can sympathize on some basic level (even if you have to add something).

    2. Listen. Often listening to the problem is all the other person (especially F doms) is all the subject needs to process the problem. Hold off on coming to quick solutions, let them blab and make it look like you are listening too (i.e. questions seeking elaboration and occasional paraphrase)

    3. Use our analytical abilities to come up with solution after the person has vented. Multiple solutions from different angles in order to allow them to choose. I also like to incorporate storytelling of similar scenarios or other quirky stories seem to make the subject feel better. Also if a subject shows they really want your help (i.e. not unsolicited help after your hear their problem) INTPs can create a systems for a subject to solve their problems which many subjects appreciate.

    So don't try to be like everyone else rather maximize your own potential. 1)reframe 2)listen 3) and solve via process first (and substantive logic second...if still solicited and even necessary)
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

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  10. #30
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by spamtar View Post
    ...So don't try to be like everyone else rather maximize your own potential. 1)reframe 2)listen 3) and solve via process first (and substantive logic second...if still solicited and even necessary)
    It's very good advice, very astute. (And yes, using N to empathize with and find SOME facet of connection is the very first step. You need a grounding point to connect on.)

    ... but I was still answering the question about offering support in a totally emotive way. I can typically only consistently give what you have suggested here; I can't do the purely emotive/emotional support/make your feelings better stuff that some other people can seemingly do so well.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

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