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  1. #31
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mcmartinez84 View Post
    Most of them also went to an all-boys school for 8th-12th grades... I'm pretty sure that hindered their ability to relax around girls and just be friends.
    There's something about this statement that is annoyingly true. I've attended a boy school and it seems that when I'm interacting with girls, I have a tendancy to evaluate the potential of a relationship with them. I'm certain had I attended a mixed-sex school, it would be much easier for me to just have normal female friendships.

    Having said that I do have one really close female friend. Initially I had contemplated the idea, but afterwards I just ignored the idea since she was interested in other people. So we've sort of developed the whole brother-sister bond.

    It's obviously a problem when people have expectations for more, when the other person just wants friendship. However I do believe that for some people, when they get rejected and promise that they will just stick with friends, do have the ability to do so. They completely switch off the idea of relationships forever, and place you permenantly in the friendship category which allows you to develop the brother-sister bond.

    Curious, do you feel that you have that bond with your ESTP friend? How would you label it?

  2. #32
    Senior Member Feops's Avatar
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    I think they can and do happen, but it's hard to tell if a guy is really a friend or someone who wants more but got stuck in the friend zone.

    As a guy, the friend zone is a frustrating place to be. Either you try to ignite interest and likely lose the friend, or you don't try and never know what may have come from it. A high risk gamble... I've lost friends by misinterpreting their interest in me and I've always felt terrible afterwards for ruining it.

    There's probably a subtle technique for testing the waters without tripping alarms but I've yet to figure that trick out. I bet a lot of women would like to know as well.

    One of my better female friends said bluntly (while drunk) "you're a fun guy but I'd never date you". At the time it got a "gee thanks" reaction from myself but in hindsight it established some pretty clear boundries.

  3. #33
    Senior Member JHBowden's Avatar
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    What is your opinion about male and female ''only friends'' kind of relationship and why and do you try to avoid that?
    I *do* avoid Platonic relationships with single women, and I really haven't thought about why. Married women tend to do a much better job keeping the appropriate distance.

    At the risk of getting myself into trouble here, shopping, complaining, and relationship psychobabble-- the things unmarried women stereotypically do-- have no interest to me in themselves. Tragically, if I like a single woman as a friend, it is probably for the same reasons why she would make a good Mrs. Bowden-- perhaps she is caring, helpful, laid back, insightful, points out alternatives without confronting-- personal qualities that are tough to impersonalize. If something doesn't look like it has potential, I cut my losses, and move on to other things.

  4. #34
    That chalkboard guy Matthew_Z's Avatar
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    In my defense, I do consider most of my male friendships as capable of going "somewhere." Getting friend zoned with someone of the same gender is just as limiting in a relationship.
    If a deaf INFP falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

  5. #35

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    Quote Originally Posted by visaisahero View Post
    My humble advice to anybody who starts to fall for your friends- Never, EVER "confess your love" to them. It's a terrible idea with a ridiculously low success rate that's highly misrepresented by romantic idealism. It puts them in a very difficult, uncomfortable and very awkward spot.
    Maybe. But sometimes it's toxic to hold that kind of thing in. The wondering can kill you. The relief of a "no" is better than the wondering. And I think there's something noble about taking that kind of stand, even if it doesn't work. As long as you speak about it honestly and earnestly, many good friends can stay that way.
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

    Johari
    /Nohari

  6. #36
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    I've never understood the whole When Harry Met Sally mindset that its impossible for a guy and girl to be just friends and not sleep with one another! One of my very best friends through college was an INTP guy- we hung out every day, knew more about each other than anyone else did and never made plans in which the other would feel left out- we even occasionally synched our class schedules so that we'd be in the same classes! However, we never even considered dating each other, or even sleeping with each other- it just would have felt wrong, like sleeping with a brother

    After getting out in the real world, I met another guy who I even dated for a month because we got along so well, but there was NO sexual chemistry there- we couldn't even stand the idea of kissing each other even though we slept in the same bed- it just seemed wrong. We broke up, I started dating his best friend/roommate and we still remained friends just the same as ever- he even hangs out with the two of us from time to time

    I think its completely possible for girls and guys to be just friends- to say otherwise would be like saying "lesbians can't be friends with other girls because they might get romantic feelings for them" or something silly like that. The friendship isnt based on gender
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  7. #37
    psicobolche tcda's Avatar
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    As a male I don't think it works for me to have close female friends, though obviosuly I have acquantainces who I am friendly with but if I ever had a close female friend who I felt a real "connection" with, I was also interested in a sexual-romantic relationship with her.

    Depends how people define "friend". To me if I only meet up with someone in groups and don't hang out just the 2 of you, I don't consider them a "friend".

    Also I'm pretty sexually liberal so I don't see a big deal in casual sexual relationships with women, I don't think this necessarilly has to develop into a full-blown monogamus relationship. I think our cousins "across the pond" call it a fuck-buddy or something. :p
    "Of course we spent our money in the good times. That's what you're supposed to do in good times! You can't save money in the good times. Then they wouldn't be good times, they'd be 'preparation for the bad times' times."

    "Every country in the world owes money. Everyone. So heere's what I dont get: who do they all owe it to, and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?"

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  8. #38
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matthew_Z View Post
    In my defense, I do consider most of my male friendships as capable of going "somewhere." Getting friend zoned with someone of the same gender is just as limiting in a relationship.
    So if your friendships with other men do not or cannot turn into romantic and/or sexual relationships then you have no need to be friends?

    Someone like that would have no platonic friends then....
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  9. #39
    Senior Member mcmartinez84's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    There's something about this statement that is annoyingly true. I've attended a boy school and it seems that when I'm interacting with girls, I have a tendancy to evaluate the potential of a relationship with them. I'm certain had I attended a mixed-sex school, it would be much easier for me to just have normal female friendships.

    Having said that I do have one really close female friend. Initially I had contemplated the idea, but afterwards I just ignored the idea since she was interested in other people. So we've sort of developed the whole brother-sister bond.

    It's obviously a problem when people have expectations for more, when the other person just wants friendship. However I do believe that for some people, when they get rejected and promise that they will just stick with friends, do have the ability to do so. They completely switch off the idea of relationships forever, and place you permenantly in the friendship category which allows you to develop the brother-sister bond.

    Curious, do you feel that you have that bond with your ESTP friend? How would you label it?
    A brother-sister bond? Sure! That might be a good label for it, altho I don't really think "Hey, he's like my brother" or anything. I just think "He's a great friend!" I love him to pieces, but the most kissing action we see better be on the cheek!
    I 65.63% E 34.38%
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  10. #40
    That chalkboard guy Matthew_Z's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    So if your friendships with other men do not or cannot turn into romantic and/or sexual relationships then you have no need to be friends?

    Someone like that would have no platonic friends then....
    Not quite the point I was going to make. I was more trying to hit at the point that sometimes setting strict boundaries can limit a relationship more than said boundaries were initially designed to.
    If a deaf INFP falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

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