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  1. #11
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by visaisahero View Post
    I have little to no pity for anybody who keeps asking for it without showing any signs of making any serious effort to solve their problems though. As a general rule, you have my pity if you got screwed up because of unforeseeable circumstances, but very little if you do it to yourself. I might yield if it were a one-off incident, but not if you regularly screw things up for yourself and expect nothing but pity. The only exception is when I think that it is personally beneficial for me to just play along, or rather, detrimental for me not to.
    This is the type of person I happen to be dealing with right now; I'll say something like, "Well, I hope you feel better" if they refuse to talk about what is bothering them, but when it's a constant bad mood + negative side comments, I start threads like these.

    You can't exactly take it personally if somebody doesn't want to confide in you with their problems. That's arrogant and victimizing. It may take a lot of effort for you to ask somebody what's wrong, but the people to whom you ask it don't know this. You can't expect them to feel honored just because you show a little compassion.
    You're very right. Read my response to visaisahero, and the situation is put a little more in context. I can see how my post would make one assume I think this way in every situation, which is the opposite of how I think; sorry for not clarifying this from the start.

    You find it annoying that others are subtle, but did you ever stop to think that those who are subtle find it annoying that you value blunt, direct communication?
    That's a really good question; I need to think about that.

    You should realize that "nothing" and "I don't know" are indirect ways of saying "I don't want to talk about it." Not everybody is as straightforward and blunt as NTPs, and not everybody wants to be.
    More context: an INFP friend was saying she was having a bad day, walking slowly, saying she was depressed, wallowing in her gloom; I asked what was wrong, and she said she didn't know. I asked our ESFP friend what was going on, and she said, "a lot of things." I believe I felt I was left 'out of the loop'- that I wasn't a reliable person to talk about things with, especially since I've spent a lot of time with both of these people discussing personal troubles of my own. Jaded is a good word to describe how I felt.

    After thinking it through more: if she wants to leave me out of her personal life, fine. She won't hear of mine, either. Maybe that's a selfish prospect. I don't know. Give/give relationships don't happen with me anymore- also, I believe if she asked me the same question while I was in a bad mood, she would say, "if you don't talk about it, it's not going to get solved!"

    I feel the only way to cope with people is to not take them seriously.
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
    enneagram - 7/5/3

  2. #12
    Geolectric teslashock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fill View Post
    I believe I felt I was left 'out of the loop'- that I wasn't a reliable person to talk about things with, especially since I've spent a lot of time with both of these people discussing personal troubles of my own. Jaded is a good word to describe how I felt.

    After thinking it through more: if she wants to leave me out of her personal life, fine. She won't hear of mine, either. Maybe that's a selfish prospect. I don't know. Give/give relationships don't happen with me anymore- also, I believe if she asked me the same question while I was in a bad mood, she would say, "if you don't talk about it, it's not going to get solved!"
    You act like her sharing her problems with you is a way for you to feel personally validated. That's a bit twisted imo. It's her problem, and if she doesn't want to share it with you, then you can't see that as an insult. Just because you are comfortable enough with her to treat her as a confidante doesn't mean she feels the same way. She grants you a favor by listening to your issues; I doubt she sees this as you granting her a favor by sharing yourself with her.

    She apparently talks to somebody about her problems; it's just not you, and you seem to take that personally for reasons that don't make much sense. Just be receptive when there's something for you to receive; don't try to squeeze people's problems out of them. That seems pretty intrusive and obnoxious.

  3. #13
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by teslashock View Post
    You act like her sharing her problems with you is a way for you to feel personally validated. That's a bit twisted imo. It's her problem, and if she doesn't want to share it with you, then you can't see that as an insult. Just because you are comfortable enough with her to treat her as a confidante doesn't mean she feels the same way. She grants you a favor by listening to your issues; I doubt she sees this as you granting her a favor by sharing yourself with her.
    I think this was because we had a very trustful, mutual sharing of personal thoughts, and when I was left out of this, I felt I lost someone to get things out of my system with.

    She apparently talks to somebody about her problems; it's just not you, and you seem to take that personally for reasons that don't make much sense. Just be receptive when there's something for you to receive; don't try to squeeze people's problems out of them. That seems pretty intrusive and obnoxious.
    I understand now.

    We had a long talk just now, and things are fine. It turns out she doesn't want pity, just understanding, something we hadn't really been doing lately, just throwing out things we were frustrated about. Does that make sense? Our ESTP friend (I've now concluded) was- simply by the matching of types- obviously someone she could relate to more easily.
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
    enneagram - 7/5/3

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