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  1. #31
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    I think there is a lot to be said for recognizing and embracing your emotions. Just yesterday, my INTP got ruffled at some offhand thing I said and it was obviously written all over his face. He withdrew and his pupils got very large. He answered questions with one word only and seemed almost stunned at everything I said - like he couldn't grasp what I was trying to say. I rolled my eyes and ignored his behavior but I decided to put him out of his misery when he turned down food and said he wasn't hungry. I knew damn well that he must be hungry even though he doesn't realize it, because I've been studying his eating and sleeping patterns. (Creepy, yes I know, but how else am I to know things unless I get empirical evidence and analyze it?)

    Anyway, when he turned down food, I called him on it and said that he was upset with me and he needs to recognize it and almost embrace his annoyance at me. And I told him the exact phrase that I said that made him change all of a sudden. When it was brought to his attention, we were able to talk about it and move on (and then he ate every scrap of food on his plate, thank you very much) and all was well again. He is so perfectly predictable.

    My suggestion is to study yourself the way I study him. If your heart starts to race or your body temperature rises or you feel like the words are all echoey and incomprehensible, chances are that something is affecting you. Take a deep breath. Stop and accept it, think about what it is and deal with it. It's usually not as a big of a deal that you think it is. Use the power of Ne to figure out another way to look at the situation.

    Just because you've never dealt with that situation before doesn't mean that you can't deal with it now, even though you have no Si point of reference. Just try to create one in that moment knowing that you will always have this experience to fall back on and learn from in the future. You are going to fuck up occasionally. So what? You have to crack some eggs to make an omelet. No one is perfect and no one expects you to be, either.

  2. #32
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    ^good story. maybe you know us better than we know ourselves but it kinda sounds like you were playing with fire. When I get like that, the fact that Im keeping my statements/contact limited rather then flaming you/loved one/SO is because I care for them and don't want to make them the victim of my wrath. Usually all I need is time by myself to feel better again.

    Good story but maybe next time just let him retreat and know when he retreats he does it because he cares for you.
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

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    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

  3. #33
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    He answered questions with one word only and seemed almost stunned at everything I said - like he couldn't grasp what I was trying to say. I rolled my eyes and ignored his behavior but I decided to put him out of his misery when he turned down food and said he wasn't hungry. I knew damn well that he must be hungry even though he doesn't realize it, because I've been studying his eating and sleeping patterns. (Creepy, yes I know, but how else am I to know things unless I get empirical evidence and analyze it?)
    I do this when the truth of my opinion will likely cause conflict that is not helpful nor profitable in any way I can think off, but I'm still searching for a resolution to the issue. So I'll avoid the matter, figuring things out, before saying anything about it. Usually done to protect people.

    My appetite never dies though. Besides, eating gives me time to ponder without the need to say stuff. :p
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  4. #34
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by spamtar View Post
    ^good story. maybe you know us better than we know ourselves but it kinda sounds like you were playing with fire. When I get like that, the fact that Im keeping my statements/contact limited rather then flaming you/loved one/SO is because I care for them and don't want to make them the victim of my wrath. Usually all I need is time by myself to feel better again.

    Good story but maybe next time just let him retreat and know when he retreats he does it because he cares for you.
    I don't give a damn about being protected or his need to retreat. Why is his need to retreat more important than my need to not be ignored? And also, my confronting it directly is my way of protecting him.

    Either way, it was an offhand comment and it never should be allowed to grow so large that he ignores me and ignores his own needs. Just learn to deal with your shit before it blows up larger than necessary.

  5. #35
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aderack View Post
    If I've got someone breathing down my neck, demanding an answer or a solution, I freeze harder. The only thing I can think is that I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, and that maybe, if possible, I'd like to vanish.
    I guess what I meant by that story is that I threw an offhand comment out there and he took it to be this larger than life thing - if he were to retell it, it might have sounded as if I was "breathing down his neck" or whatever dramatic thing he makes it out to be in his head. If he simply just asked me in that moment what the hell I meant by that comment, it would have saved his nerves a great deal of worry and stress.

  6. #36
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Maybe he just got out of bed on the wrong side that morning. :P

    Also, I tend to do this much more around non rationals. And the few rationals in my life I don't do this.

    Still, wouldn't look for too much behind it. He was probably injustly annoyed, knowing he was annoyed without sufficient reason. It's not about being spineless, we'd just hate ourselves if we were to stand up for ourselves for the wrong reasons...
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  7. #37
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    Maybe he just got out of bed on the wrong side that morning. :P
    In my bed, there is never a wrong side.

  8. #38
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Either way, he had a conflict, and most likely with himself, and not you. :P
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  9. #39
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    Still, wouldn't look for too much behind it. He was probably injustly annoyed, knowing he was annoyed without sufficient reason. It's not about being spineless, we'd just hate ourselves if we were to stand up for ourselves for the wrong reasons...
    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    Either way, he had a conflict, and most likely with himself, and not you. :P
    He had nothing to stand up for. And it has nothing to do with being spineless, it has more to do with freezing in a moment of stress. If I am annoyed by something he says, I can be annoyed and still continue to behave like a normal person (I use the word "normal" very liberally) but he will shut down - severely. Every coping mechanism he has falls to the wayside. And I thought that was what the OP was getting at. Just shutting down in moments due to anxiety about something.

    (And thanks, I knew it couldn't possibly be about me! )

  10. #40
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Hmm... I can't really relate to that myself. Last time I shut down like that (like just resetting my thoughts, going on empty headed for a while) was the day I quit drinking... 5 years ago. And there was a good reason for it. :P
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

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