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  1. #1
    Junior Member Pillows's Avatar
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    Default Help me understand the ENTJ!

    I've always considered myself extremely good at reading people, but a certain ENTJ has stumped me! So I'm compelled to seek advice on my situation from the MBTI community in the hopes of understanding the motives that drive this type in relationships.

    As far as cookie cutter type matches go, this is not it as I am an ESTP: enthusiastic and easy-going as they come. This particular ENTJ has definitely demonstrated the broad characteristics that seem to go with the package, i.e. tightly-checked emotions, workaholic schedule, really direct communication style (seriously, when I first met him I was wholly amazed at his total lack of charm ).
    But the difference that separates us is intoxicating. I find his aura to be like gravity, it pulls me down from the insanity that is my mile-a-minute thought process and makes me reflect before I speak. Calming, yet stimulating at the same time.

    So the situation I'm in, and the root of what's eating me is the the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend when we met, but we have since developed a consistent, yet casual relationship. The predictability is amusing, it's nearly clockwork every 10 days for the past 6 months. I've seen him following some tough emotional situations (death in the family) and to me, I feel like it gets a bit softer between us every time I see him, chipping the ice off bit by bit (myself included).

    From what I've read, ENTJs aren't usually prone to casual relationships (or cheating?) I stay hopeful knowing how much he works and believing that he would have moved on by now if there was no potential. Is this completely irrational? I'd love to hear the relationship patterns of the ENTJs here, hopefully to gain some clarity on whether I'm fooling myself.

    If there is potential for growth in this situation (although I hope so, I feel there's a good chance the odds are not in my favor) how can I move forward effectively?
    I haven't said a word about future, expectations, or anything else that is usually scary...but I keep wondering, should I? I've become content to just continue enjoying things in the hopes of bringing his guard down...My patience is iron-clad when I fixate on getting something, but is patience what pays off with ENTJs? Where do I go from here?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Cypocalypse's Avatar
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    ESTP girl and an ENTJ guy?

    Disaster in the making. Let him go.

  3. #3
    No Cigar Litvyak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cypocalypse View Post
    ESTP girl and an ENTJ guy?
    Disaster in the making. Let him go.
    I hope you're joking. Breaking up because of a difference in MBTI types is the worst idea I've ever heard.

    You should be cautious though. Expect the best and follow his charisma if you still enjoy it, but prepare for the worst. If you fly too close to the sun, you'll burn your wings. Everything has potential, but don't ever let your guard down.

  4. #4
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pillows View Post
    As far as cookie cutter type matches go, this is not it as I am an ESTP: enthusiastic and easy-going as they come. This particular ENTJ has definitely demonstrated the broad characteristics that seem to go with the package, i.e. tightly-checked emotions, workaholic schedule, really direct communication style (seriously, when I first met him I was wholly amazed at his total lack of charm ).
    Lol. To me, there is a distinct charm about being charmless.

    But the difference that separates us is intoxicating. I find his aura to be like gravity, it pulls me down from the insanity that is my mile-a-minute thought process and makes me reflect before I speak. Calming, yet stimulating at the same time.
    My ENTJ husband has the same gravitational pull on me. The differences between us have been helpful for both of us. As it should in any good relationship. I have learned a lot for him, but he from me as well. Any relationship can work as long as there is reciprocation in the learning process.

    So the situation I'm in, and the root of what's eating me is the the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend when we met, but we have since developed a consistent, yet casual relationship. The predictability is amusing, it's nearly clockwork every 10 days for the past 6 months. I've seen him following some tough emotional situations (death in the family) and to me, I feel like it gets a bit softer between us every time I see him, chipping the ice off bit by bit (myself included).
    The fact that you've seen him in vulnerable situations can help speed up the thawing out process, I think.
    From what I've read, ENTJs aren't usually prone to casual relationships (or cheating?) I stay hopeful knowing how much he works and believing that he would have moved on by now if there was no potential. Is this completely irrational? I'd love to hear the relationship patterns of the ENTJs here, hopefully to gain some clarity on whether I'm fooling myself.
    I will say my husband would never have cheated on someone. I asked him that question at one point, and he doesn't lie, so I am confident he was telling the truth. He also would have moved on quickly if he saw no potential. In fact, that was his exact answer to the above question. He saw no need to cheat because he would just have left the relationship if he knew it was going nowhere.

    If there is potential for growth in this situation (although I hope so, I feel there's a good chance the odds are not in my favor) how can I move forward effectively?
    There is potential in any relationship, if the people are willing to work at it. I don't know how you'll feel about this but, if you both are comfortable, just go with it. That's what I did because I saw the potential in the relationship and yielded to it.

    I haven't said a word about future, expectations, or anything else that is usually scary...but I keep wondering, should I? I've become content to just continue enjoying things in the hopes of bringing his guard down...My patience is iron-clad when I fixate on getting something, but is patience what pays off with ENTJs? Where do I go from here?
    I never spoke of marriage or anything close, to my husband, he brought it up first, but that's more my character to keep guarded about such things, and I don't know your character. If you feel there is a future together stay and enjoy it, it not, all you can do is move on and learn for it. You will know.
    Last edited by Lux; 12-02-2009 at 09:39 AM. Reason: words, words, words
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

  5. #5
    Pumpernickel
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pillows View Post

    From what I've read, ENTJs aren't usually prone to casual relationships (or cheating?) I stay hopeful knowing how much he works and believing that he would have moved on by now if there was no potential. Is this completely irrational?
    I think it would probably be oversimplifying the situation to say he would have moved on if he didn't see potential. He could be coasting through while not being really sure if he's interested in something serious and being just too busy to give it a lot of thought.

    Though the Se doms that I know are a bit too much sometimes in requiring time and attention when I have a ton of things going on, so patience is definitely helpful. I get really annoyed when someone I'm dating wants more time and attention from me while I'm all stressed out over all sorts of career things. Talking to him about all this may sort of frustrate him.


    Oh and I do not approve of this lack of charm comment :steam:

  6. #6
    Senior Member tinkerbell's Avatar
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    To the OP

    with ENTJ's you need to get through thier barriers... they come down slowly as I can see you have the hang of. It' sounds like you are within the zone of being a confident - he wouldn't waste his time on you if he thought you were unworthy.

    You are also probably very bright, again he is likely to see that as desirable (for female NT's it is essential for their men to be bright, for male NT's its a desirable but not essential)....You certainly sound like he has an interest so you must be holding up your end. Try figuring out why he is engaging, it wont just be because you've got great legs or fantastic bum etc (there needs to be more too it).... NT men need to respect you as a person...

    OK ENTJ tend to be very dissmissive of people they consider unworthy of their investment, but that doesn't mean he sees you in a romantic way, he may just be chatting to you as a friend... you need to sus this out if you can.

    It sounds like you are going in the right direction.

    What can you do to support him... as you say he is a work-aholic, to the point perhaps his social life suffers, you cna help him with that - you can help him plan socalising/normal recreational life.

    S-N realtionships.... Not totally out, but you may be doing that girlie thing of underestimating how much his N/Workaholicness is likely to piss you off in reality... IF you land this man AND you decide it is a bit of a waisted effort, let him down gently, in order for him to get into a relationship he is likely to have gone through a fair bit of soul searching - so just try and not screw him up more than his own inner dialogue does already.

    As for the cheating on his last gf... it wouldn't be nromal for an NT man, BUT there is NO gaurantee of fidelity with anyone, even best friends can betray you.... life is a gambol... either roll the dice or hide under the bed...

    Good luck and I hope it goes well

  7. #7

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    Ask him straight up what is going on.
    We ENTJ's hand pick and choose whom to let into our lives. And our standards are extremely high in this regard. I can tell you that almost every girl I meet is not going to give me what I want, therefore I see her as nothing more than a friend (if that). Also, I sincerely respect any girl who has the audacity to question whether or not I like her, even moreso to ask me face to face. The best way to flirt with me is to engage in a debate, or prove your worth. Stand up to me. Scream at me if you have to. Just make sure that you are being logical and not a retarded whiner. I see through traditional "OH MY GOD" flirting and get turned off by it. Don't do that.

    Moral of the story: Ask him straight up. He will respect that moreso than your subtle, BS attempts at finding out. Unless you are drop dead sexy, this crap will not work.

    Good luck - we ENTJ's would rather hold out for perfect than settle. And I make it known quickly when I do finally find the girl that I like. Just make sure that if you are into him, he doesn't just use you as a fuckbuddy. That would ruin you. Unless that is what you want, of course. Very few women are capable of making us ENTJ's emotionally committed.

    One final note, actually. If he is talking to you, that is a good sign. I have very few female friends. I tend to only have friendships with males, because I hate the drama. I would not ever consistently choose to talk to a girl I did not respect in some way. The fact that you guys have been going strong for so long indicates respect, which is big.

  8. #8
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by justxher View Post
    Oh and I do not approve of this lack of charm comment :steam:
    Sorry, I really actually didn't mean charmless, that came out bad. ENTJ's (at least the ones I know) are possibly the most charming people if they like you. More of what I meant was I am interested in people who are a bit um, acerbic... I have no idea why . So that's what my comment meant. I didn't really mean that all ENTJ's are charmless, because that's absurd .

  9. #9
    Pumpernickel
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    ^ Very young, still needs social conditioning.

    Edit: at bLAze

  10. #10
    Senior Member tinkerbell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by justxher View Post
    ^ Very young, still needs social conditioning.

    Edit: at bLAze
    LOL double plus 1 LOL

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