• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ENTJ] Help me understand the ENTJ!

Pillows

New member
Joined
Nov 18, 2009
Messages
9
MBTI Type
ESTP
I've always considered myself extremely good at reading people, but a certain ENTJ has stumped me! So I'm compelled to seek advice on my situation from the MBTI community in the hopes of understanding the motives that drive this type in relationships.

As far as cookie cutter type matches go, this is not it as I am an ESTP: enthusiastic and easy-going as they come. This particular ENTJ has definitely demonstrated the broad characteristics that seem to go with the package, i.e. tightly-checked emotions, workaholic schedule, really direct communication style (seriously, when I first met him I was wholly amazed at his total lack of charm ;)).
But the difference that separates us is intoxicating. I find his aura to be like gravity, it pulls me down from the insanity that is my mile-a-minute thought process and makes me reflect before I speak. Calming, yet stimulating at the same time.

So the situation I'm in, and the root of what's eating me is the the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend when we met, but we have since developed a consistent, yet casual relationship. The predictability is amusing, it's nearly clockwork every 10 days for the past 6 months. I've seen him following some tough emotional situations (death in the family) and to me, I feel like it gets a bit softer between us every time I see him, chipping the ice off bit by bit (myself included).

From what I've read, ENTJs aren't usually prone to casual relationships (or cheating?) I stay hopeful knowing how much he works and believing that he would have moved on by now if there was no potential. Is this completely irrational? I'd love to hear the relationship patterns of the ENTJs here, hopefully to gain some clarity on whether I'm fooling myself.

If there is potential for growth in this situation (although I hope so, I feel there's a good chance the odds are not in my favor) how can I move forward effectively?
I haven't said a word about future, expectations, or anything else that is usually scary...but I keep wondering, should I? I've become content to just continue enjoying things in the hopes of bringing his guard down...My patience is iron-clad when I fixate on getting something, but is patience what pays off with ENTJs? Where do I go from here?
 

Cypocalypse

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
252
MBTI Type
eNtP
Enneagram
4w5/
ESTP girl and an ENTJ guy?

Disaster in the making. Let him go.
 

Litvyak

No Cigar
Joined
Oct 5, 2008
Messages
1,822
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
ESTP girl and an ENTJ guy?
Disaster in the making. Let him go.

I hope you're joking. Breaking up because of a difference in MBTI types is the worst idea I've ever heard.

You should be cautious though. Expect the best and follow his charisma if you still enjoy it, but prepare for the worst. If you fly too close to the sun, you'll burn your wings. Everything has potential, but don't ever let your guard down.
 

Lux

Kraken down on piracy
Joined
Aug 6, 2009
Messages
1,458
As far as cookie cutter type matches go, this is not it as I am an ESTP: enthusiastic and easy-going as they come. This particular ENTJ has definitely demonstrated the broad characteristics that seem to go with the package, i.e. tightly-checked emotions, workaholic schedule, really direct communication style (seriously, when I first met him I was wholly amazed at his total lack of charm ;)).

Lol. To me, there is a distinct charm about being charmless.

But the difference that separates us is intoxicating. I find his aura to be like gravity, it pulls me down from the insanity that is my mile-a-minute thought process and makes me reflect before I speak. Calming, yet stimulating at the same time.

My ENTJ husband has the same gravitational pull on me. The differences between us have been helpful for both of us. As it should in any good relationship. I have learned a lot for him, but he from me as well. Any relationship can work as long as there is reciprocation in the learning process.

So the situation I'm in, and the root of what's eating me is the the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend when we met, but we have since developed a consistent, yet casual relationship. The predictability is amusing, it's nearly clockwork every 10 days for the past 6 months. I've seen him following some tough emotional situations (death in the family) and to me, I feel like it gets a bit softer between us every time I see him, chipping the ice off bit by bit (myself included).

The fact that you've seen him in vulnerable situations can help speed up the thawing out process, I think.
From what I've read, ENTJs aren't usually prone to casual relationships (or cheating?) I stay hopeful knowing how much he works and believing that he would have moved on by now if there was no potential. Is this completely irrational? I'd love to hear the relationship patterns of the ENTJs here, hopefully to gain some clarity on whether I'm fooling myself.

I will say my husband would never have cheated on someone. I asked him that question at one point, and he doesn't lie, so I am confident he was telling the truth. He also would have moved on quickly if he saw no potential. In fact, that was his exact answer to the above question. He saw no need to cheat because he would just have left the relationship if he knew it was going nowhere.

If there is potential for growth in this situation (although I hope so, I feel there's a good chance the odds are not in my favor) how can I move forward effectively?

There is potential in any relationship, if the people are willing to work at it. I don't know how you'll feel about this but, if you both are comfortable, just go with it. That's what I did because I saw the potential in the relationship and yielded to it.

I haven't said a word about future, expectations, or anything else that is usually scary...but I keep wondering, should I? I've become content to just continue enjoying things in the hopes of bringing his guard down...My patience is iron-clad when I fixate on getting something, but is patience what pays off with ENTJs? Where do I go from here?

I never spoke of marriage or anything close, to my husband, he brought it up first, but that's more my character to keep guarded about such things, and I don't know your character. If you feel there is a future together stay and enjoy it, it not, all you can do is move on and learn for it. You will know.
 
Last edited:

JustHer

Pumpernickel
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
1,954
MBTI Type
ENTJ
From what I've read, ENTJs aren't usually prone to casual relationships (or cheating?) I stay hopeful knowing how much he works and believing that he would have moved on by now if there was no potential. Is this completely irrational?

I think it would probably be oversimplifying the situation to say he would have moved on if he didn't see potential. He could be coasting through while not being really sure if he's interested in something serious and being just too busy to give it a lot of thought.

Though the Se doms that I know are a bit too much sometimes in requiring time and attention when I have a ton of things going on, so patience is definitely helpful. I get really annoyed when someone I'm dating wants more time and attention from me while I'm all stressed out over all sorts of career things. Talking to him about all this may sort of frustrate him.


Oh and I do not approve of this lack of charm comment :steam:
 

tinkerbell

New member
Joined
Aug 31, 2008
Messages
3,487
MBTI Type
ENTP
To the OP

with ENTJ's you need to get through thier barriers... they come down slowly as I can see you have the hang of. It' sounds like you are within the zone of being a confident - he wouldn't waste his time on you if he thought you were unworthy.

You are also probably very bright, again he is likely to see that as desirable (for female NT's it is essential for their men to be bright, for male NT's its a desirable but not essential)....You certainly sound like he has an interest so you must be holding up your end. Try figuring out why he is engaging, it wont just be because you've got great legs or fantastic bum etc (there needs to be more too it).... NT men need to respect you as a person...

OK ENTJ tend to be very dissmissive of people they consider unworthy of their investment, but that doesn't mean he sees you in a romantic way, he may just be chatting to you as a friend... you need to sus this out if you can.

It sounds like you are going in the right direction.

What can you do to support him... as you say he is a work-aholic, to the point perhaps his social life suffers, you cna help him with that - you can help him plan socalising/normal recreational life.

S-N realtionships.... Not totally out, but you may be doing that girlie thing of underestimating how much his N/Workaholicness is likely to piss you off in reality... IF you land this man AND you decide it is a bit of a waisted effort, let him down gently, in order for him to get into a relationship he is likely to have gone through a fair bit of soul searching - so just try and not screw him up more than his own inner dialogue does already.

As for the cheating on his last gf... it wouldn't be nromal for an NT man, BUT there is NO gaurantee of fidelity with anyone, even best friends can betray you.... life is a gambol... either roll the dice or hide under the bed...

Good luck and I hope it goes well
 

bLAze

New member
Joined
Sep 26, 2009
Messages
47
Ask him straight up what is going on.
We ENTJ's hand pick and choose whom to let into our lives. And our standards are extremely high in this regard. I can tell you that almost every girl I meet is not going to give me what I want, therefore I see her as nothing more than a friend (if that). Also, I sincerely respect any girl who has the audacity to question whether or not I like her, even moreso to ask me face to face. The best way to flirt with me is to engage in a debate, or prove your worth. Stand up to me. Scream at me if you have to. Just make sure that you are being logical and not a retarded whiner. I see through traditional "OH MY GOD" flirting and get turned off by it. Don't do that.

Moral of the story: Ask him straight up. He will respect that moreso than your subtle, BS attempts at finding out. Unless you are drop dead sexy, this crap will not work.

Good luck - we ENTJ's would rather hold out for perfect than settle. And I make it known quickly when I do finally find the girl that I like. Just make sure that if you are into him, he doesn't just use you as a fuckbuddy. That would ruin you. Unless that is what you want, of course. Very few women are capable of making us ENTJ's emotionally committed.

One final note, actually. If he is talking to you, that is a good sign. I have very few female friends. I tend to only have friendships with males, because I hate the drama. I would not ever consistently choose to talk to a girl I did not respect in some way. The fact that you guys have been going strong for so long indicates respect, which is big.
 

Lux

Kraken down on piracy
Joined
Aug 6, 2009
Messages
1,458
Oh and I do not approve of this lack of charm comment :steam:

Sorry, I really actually didn't mean charmless, that came out bad. ENTJ's (at least the ones I know) are possibly the most charming people if they like you. More of what I meant was I am interested in people who are a bit um, acerbic... I have no idea why :huh:. So that's what my comment meant. I didn't really mean that all ENTJ's are charmless, because that's absurd ;).
 

JustHer

Pumpernickel
Joined
Aug 7, 2009
Messages
1,954
MBTI Type
ENTJ
^ Very young, still needs social conditioning.

Edit: at bLAze
 

bLAze

New member
Joined
Sep 26, 2009
Messages
47
^ Very young, still needs social conditioning.

Edit: at bLAze

Social conditioning wouldn't be the word. Maybe moreso maturity and life experience to be exact. Sorry if I wasn't able to assist you then, OP. Take it with a grain of salt in that case, unless some older ENTJ's want to chime in...
 

bLAze

New member
Joined
Sep 26, 2009
Messages
47
We can be pure hell till we grow up.

WHAAAAT? BUT I'M PERFECT :doh:
At what age do we grow up? Up until recently I have always been a steamroller. I still am a steamroller but it is SO HARD TO RESIST OWNING STUPID PEOPLE! But I try my best to let it go...

I am type 8 "The Challenger" and I know for a fact that I must piss people off all the time.
 

DiscoBiscuit

Meat Tornado
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
14,794
Enneagram
8w9
You won't be grown up until you respect other's enough to listen to their opinion.

EDIT: I'm one too, and what helped me to stop doing it, was realizing that I was just trying to show everyone how smart I was when I did it, and that everyone else resented me for it.
 

bLAze

New member
Joined
Sep 26, 2009
Messages
47
You won't be grown up until you respect other's enough to listen to their opinion.

EDIT: I'm one too, and what helped me to stop doing it, was realizing that I was just trying to show everyone how smart I was when I did it, and that everyone else resented me for it.


Even the people that I know are wrong?
I try my best to listen. I really do. It just doesn't always work out.

What age does this "maturity" you speak of come at? 20s? 30s? Most of the time I do not even understand why the other person is getting pissed off until I take the time to think about it from their (illogical) POV. By then, it's too late.

The thing is that I don't care whether or not I piss these people off. I shouldn't have to tailor down my tone so that they feel less stupid. I shouldn't have to withhold the truth to make them feel better about their insecure selves.

Ahh, I say all this now, but I am sure that it will change in a few years.
 

Jaguar

Active member
Joined
May 5, 2007
Messages
20,647
The thing is that I don't care whether or not I piss these people off. I shouldn't have to tailor down my tone so that they feel less stupid. I shouldn't have to withhold the truth to make them feel better about their insecure selves.

Ahh, I say all this now, but I am sure that it will change in a few years.

Let's hope so.
 

bLAze

New member
Joined
Sep 26, 2009
Messages
47
Let's hope so.

I just gotta find the balance.
I've been trying this new thing where I listen, listen, listen. Respond if someone talks to me directly. Nod my head if they look at me. Really try my best to listen.

But then pick my battles wisely. Rather than always calling people out, I only go through with it when I feel the time has come.

It's been working well so far, but now people are always asking me if I am OK. Apparently, when I am not speaking over people, I am not well. Lose-Lose :D
 

MyIsland

New member
Joined
Dec 1, 2009
Messages
15
MBTI Type
INtj
Enneagram
5w4
You will mature when you develop your Ni. Lol, no but seriously I think that is why people think, "Did he really just say that?" when the ENTJ speaks. I have about ten ENTJ's that I know (one ENTJ brother), and when they engage in convo with someone (especially a female) I usually end up having to find somewhere to hide my face and laugh hysterically afterwards because of the overwhelming social gall. Do those thoughts just spill out uncontrollably?
 

corey_vann

New member
Joined
Aug 22, 2009
Messages
153
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
8sx
I have about ten ENTJ's that I know (one ENTJ brother), and when they engage in convo with someone (especially a female) I usually end up having to find somewhere to hide my face and laugh hysterically afterwards because of the overwhelming social gall. Do those thoughts just spill out uncontrollably?

I was once trying to talk up a girl that I worked with. I was amazed at the crap coming out of my mouth. The voice in my head was saying "STOP. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP!" but I couldn't. The voice in my head then said "OH MY GOD, YOU REALLY CAN'T STOP CAN YOU?!" This is a problem not just with females, but the whole population in general. The girl still went out on a quasi-date with me, though I was young and didn't know how how to pursue. I think the problem might be that I think what I'm saying is pure friggin' genius or comic gold. The majority of the human population finds it offensive, in bad taste, and not funny (I think they think it's funny, they just don't want to admit it).

I get the same reaction you give your brother from a lot of my friends. I like to view it as a filter. People who can appreciate me and know how to handle and take me stay in. Everyone else is washed out.
 
Top