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  1. #1
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    Default Victim of another's stupidity

    On one side of the coin, someone can clearly wrong you out of stupidity or ignorance, on the the other side we are all ignorant or stupid in some way and this is likely to effect someone else negatively in the same way. You should not be an enabler for unwanted behavior but it is not fair to punish them considering the bell tolls for each of us.

    How do you respond to someone who has detrimented you in some way because of simply not knowing better?

  2. #2
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    God. It will take me hours to articulate a sensible response to this.

    But yeah, totally: I have a number of people in my life who I try to accept/forgive because I know they can't do any better for whatever reason, yet they really did screw me over badly and I don't know how to reconcile it.

    They didn't mean it, they might have not had malicious intent, but in the end they really made life hard for me. I generally I just try to forgive and "let go" of anything that was not purposeful malice... but... it still wounds and complicated my life.
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    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    I think that in the end, friendships like that fall apart. When it's family, you just end up distancing yourself. Saying things out loud doesn't work, and keeping it in just degrades nad rots the mind. In the end, space helps make the wounds feel better, and the space you need just keeps growing.
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    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    I think that in the end, friendships like that fall apart. When it's family, you just end up distancing yourself. Saying things out loud doesn't work, and keeping it in just degrades nad rots the mind. In the end, space helps make the wounds feel better, and the space you need just keeps growing.
    Well, there was that -- despite "forgiving" them, I had to draw very clear boundaries there to prevent them from hurting me further.

    There are things I cannot trust them with.
    Not a personal thing (mostly), just a pragmatic one.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

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    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Well, if something happens, and I can talk to them and correct it, I don't really see it a problem anymore from hence forth. If I know I can't trust someone with money, but they're fine otherwise, I just don't hand them money. Fixed.

    If it can't be fixed within a simple adult conversation like that, however, like I tell them I won't be lending them anymore money and they continue to put me in positions where they ask me for it, I'll distance myself before I resent them for putting me in those positions.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

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    I guess those are more practical issues, so they're a little easy to deal with. I guess there are lots of angles from which to approach the question.

    I was speaking from a different area mostly, due to my experience: With my family, it was a lot of jerky "moral" crap from them being overly religious and/or having certain social expectations that I was not living up to, so they behaved in certain ways that adhered to their beliefs and stemmed directly from (what I perceived as) ignorance that ended up screwing me pretty badly.

    They meant well / were trying to be moral, but that didn't protect me from their choices.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

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    Circle, like Jennifer said, I'd probably need hours to write a complete response to this subject lol. It's something that I'm still learning to be honest.

    The one thing I've noticed is that there has to be some discernment between not knowing any better and did they have the opportunity to know better? And then make your choice whether to continue having a relationship with them or modifying it or dropping it completely. Also depending on the variables is it a one time thing, a consistent pattern of bad behavior to you etc.

    Yeah, we all do stupid things sometimes to one another. I went for a long time brushing things off family has done because they "didn't know" and knowing that I have done things to them out of not knowing. But there does come a point where "didn't know" isn't good enough to carry on a relationship after a repeated pattern of bad acts towards you. When they know they don't know and keep doing similar things is when there is a problem imo.

  8. #8
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    You make them aware of the mistake, and watch their response. If they deny it, if they refuse to look out for you next time, it doesn't mean you need to stop being their friend. But you need to take precautions so they can not harm you next time as they themselves seem to be unable to do so. And, to that behavior, and only that behavior, you are allowed, imo, to make them 'feel' the consequences of their behavior within proportion (without being vengeful), much like a parent would teach their child.
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  9. #9
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Circle View Post
    On one side of the coin, someone can clearly wrong you out of stupidity or ignorance, on the the other side we are all ignorant or stupid in some way and this is likely to effect someone else negatively in the same way. You should not be an enabler for unwanted behavior but it is not fair to punish them considering the bell tolls for each of us.

    How do you respond to someone who has detrimented you in some way because of simply not knowing better?
    You don't judge or punish them, you try to resolve the situation.
    (removed)

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shimmy View Post
    You don't judge or punish them, you try to resolve the situation.
    Let's say the situation is that they will probably do something similarly detrimental to you in the future.

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