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[NT] Victim of another's stupidity

foolish heart

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On one side of the coin, someone can clearly wrong you out of stupidity or ignorance, on the the other side we are all ignorant or stupid in some way and this is likely to effect someone else negatively in the same way. You should not be an enabler for unwanted behavior but it is not fair to punish them considering the bell tolls for each of us.

How do you respond to someone who has detrimented you in some way because of simply not knowing better?
 

Totenkindly

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God. It will take me hours to articulate a sensible response to this.

But yeah, totally: I have a number of people in my life who I try to accept/forgive because I know they can't do any better for whatever reason, yet they really did screw me over badly and I don't know how to reconcile it.

They didn't mean it, they might have not had malicious intent, but in the end they really made life hard for me. I generally I just try to forgive and "let go" of anything that was not purposeful malice... but... it still wounds and complicated my life.
 

kyuuei

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I think that in the end, friendships like that fall apart. When it's family, you just end up distancing yourself. Saying things out loud doesn't work, and keeping it in just degrades nad rots the mind. In the end, space helps make the wounds feel better, and the space you need just keeps growing.
 

Totenkindly

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I think that in the end, friendships like that fall apart. When it's family, you just end up distancing yourself. Saying things out loud doesn't work, and keeping it in just degrades nad rots the mind. In the end, space helps make the wounds feel better, and the space you need just keeps growing.

Well, there was that -- despite "forgiving" them, I had to draw very clear boundaries there to prevent them from hurting me further.

There are things I cannot trust them with.
Not a personal thing (mostly), just a pragmatic one.
 

kyuuei

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Well, if something happens, and I can talk to them and correct it, I don't really see it a problem anymore from hence forth. If I know I can't trust someone with money, but they're fine otherwise, I just don't hand them money. Fixed.

If it can't be fixed within a simple adult conversation like that, however, like I tell them I won't be lending them anymore money and they continue to put me in positions where they ask me for it, I'll distance myself before I resent them for putting me in those positions.
 

Totenkindly

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I guess those are more practical issues, so they're a little easy to deal with. I guess there are lots of angles from which to approach the question.

I was speaking from a different area mostly, due to my experience: With my family, it was a lot of jerky "moral" crap from them being overly religious and/or having certain social expectations that I was not living up to, so they behaved in certain ways that adhered to their beliefs and stemmed directly from (what I perceived as) ignorance that ended up screwing me pretty badly.

They meant well / were trying to be moral, but that didn't protect me from their choices.
 

Tewt

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Circle, like Jennifer said, I'd probably need hours to write a complete response to this subject lol. It's something that I'm still learning to be honest.

The one thing I've noticed is that there has to be some discernment between not knowing any better and did they have the opportunity to know better? And then make your choice whether to continue having a relationship with them or modifying it or dropping it completely. Also depending on the variables is it a one time thing, a consistent pattern of bad behavior to you etc.

Yeah, we all do stupid things sometimes to one another. I went for a long time brushing things off family has done because they "didn't know" and knowing that I have done things to them out of not knowing. But there does come a point where "didn't know" isn't good enough to carry on a relationship after a repeated pattern of bad acts towards you. When they know they don't know and keep doing similar things is when there is a problem imo.
 

Amargith

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You make them aware of the mistake, and watch their response. If they deny it, if they refuse to look out for you next time, it doesn't mean you need to stop being their friend. But you need to take precautions so they can not harm you next time as they themselves seem to be unable to do so. And, to that behavior, and only that behavior, you are allowed, imo, to make them 'feel' the consequences of their behavior within proportion (without being vengeful), much like a parent would teach their child.
 

Shimmy

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On one side of the coin, someone can clearly wrong you out of stupidity or ignorance, on the the other side we are all ignorant or stupid in some way and this is likely to effect someone else negatively in the same way. You should not be an enabler for unwanted behavior but it is not fair to punish them considering the bell tolls for each of us.

How do you respond to someone who has detrimented you in some way because of simply not knowing better?

You don't judge or punish them, you try to resolve the situation.
 

tinkerbell

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People are human, people are flawed it's bonkers to expect other people to be perfect... they screw up which is a 100% gauranteed, hopefuly harm is not too drastic.

I work on the principals of deliberate... I avoid people I feel go out to deliberately cause harm to myself or people I care about (or even think they deliverately do it to anyone). I'm not vindictive (it's not really in my nature)... but I chop them right out my life.

A few years back I met one hell of a poisonous troll who was insanely jelous of me, she started doing harm to people I cared about but played the victim card. She soon tripped herself up in her lies and I've never given her the time of day since, for many months I had weepy phone calls and emails from her... I didn't so much as flinch, she send a very vulnerable INFJ to a really bad place emotionally, and she did it deliberately without so much as a second thought. We must be 3 years on and I'd still not give her the time of day. Extreme case, but mostly I opt for the people are human, they don't actively try and be distructive.
 

Risen

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On one side of the coin, someone can clearly wrong you out of stupidity or ignorance, on the the other side we are all ignorant or stupid in some way and this is likely to effect someone else negatively in the same way. You should not be an enabler for unwanted behavior but it is not fair to punish them considering the bell tolls for each of us.

How do you respond to someone who has detrimented you in some way because of simply not knowing better?

The ability to think deeply about the origins of your own thoughts, desires, and actions is metacognition. People seldom use that form of cognition to any great degree. With an understanding of who you are and why you do what you do, in every thought and action, you can then begin to deal appropriately with the outer world. In this world, one must have a knowledge base large enough for them to predict how their actions will effect others. What is the global effect? That is the vital question. Then you must appraise the predicted effects, and determine which course of action is best. This appraisal is determined by your own personal sense of values and morals, determined by how you envision you SHOULD interact with others around you and the world as a whole.

I'd be surprised if even 5% of the population carries out such a thought process, instead of acting with much less forethought or foresight. And yes, stupid people shit on us all for their stupidity.
 

Oaky

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How do you respond to someone who has detrimented you in some way because of simply not knowing better?
It's these situations that I sometimes feel I just want to scream. I usually tell them "you're making me suffer for you're choices that could have been avoided otherwise" in which the reply is usually a justification for their actions. Of course that's just the most common response I'd give. I can tell you some of the other different responses I've had but it would take too long. I've experienced this so many times that I can easily write a whole book regarding this one topic.
 

capricorn009

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I totally agree, why are there so many phonies in this town that dumb themselves down to
belong with people who have nothing better to do with their free time than compete and sh
ow off? Yet, everyone somehow believes that these people are as pure as the driven snow.
 

krunchtime

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How do you respond to someone who has detrimented you in some way because of simply not knowing better?

My take is, life is life. There is no way anybody can obtain perfect knowledge of me. Even if they do, there is no guarantee that they will conciously use it to my benefit instead of detriment. People, including myself, work with what we have or can obtain at the moment. Imagination shows me how things might have been different and better. However, one optimistic alternate reality is just as valid as the next pessimistic alternate reality. Besides, who is to impose judgement? From the opposite perspective, it might very well appear as if I've wronged them by being too self-centered, contrary or oblivious to social norms. This is possible, because we can only comprehend each other, to the extent of our similarities, which might be few and far in between.

Let's say the situation is that they will probably do something similarly detrimental to you in the future.

Avoidance, but it might sound like a bad idea. I'm sure there are better solutions.
 

redacted

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On one side of the coin, someone can clearly wrong you out of stupidity or ignorance, on the the other side we are all ignorant or stupid in some way and this is likely to effect someone else negatively in the same way. You should not be an enabler for unwanted behavior but it is not fair to punish them considering the bell tolls for each of us.

How do you respond to someone who has detrimented you in some way because of simply not knowing better?

Just because we all make mistakes doesn't mean we shouldn't hold someone responsible for their actions.

If no one negatively reinforced these so called mistakes, there would be no reason they would stop.

In my mind, there's no reason to get super emotionally reactive about someone else making a mistake. Reinforcing someone by going crazy creates its own set of problems. But it would be irresponsible not to at least have a discussion about the problem. And if the problem can't get resolved and is big enough, self-preservation takes precedence.
 

Katsuni

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I've found, personally, that yelling at them, or berating them, etc, does nothing. Typical "zomg noob!" comment for online games is an excellent example of this.

Seriously, calling someone stupid, or a noob, or whotever socially applicable noun/insult works for the situation, does nothing to FIX the problem.

Rather, state whot went wrong, WHY it wrong, how to fix it, and offer such in an encouraging fashion. If yeu're too terse or upset, they rarely will listen. If yeu offer it as helpful and detailed, most people are able to learn from their mistake once they understand why it was a mistake and how to avoid it in the future.

If they're in a situation where I may run into again in the future... I'd rather teach them to not suck, so that I don't have to put up with them screwing up something else AGAIN in the future.
 
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