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  1. #1
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Default INTP's and relationships

    I'm dating I would say my third INTP now.
    I noticed that every time I meet one, they seem really cool, calm, and collected. Strong and not easily worked up.

    I noticed once you start to become more emotionally involved, they are like emotional train wrecks all of a sudden. And i'm always thrown into the position of being the steady, reasonable one.

    Clingy, whiney, untrusting at times. Extremely affectionate. Almost feminine. I don't get it. I usually think at that point maybe I mistyped them.

    But I didn't. (One of them actually tested for a class.)

    What is this all about, INTPs?
    What do I do about it?
    Last edited by King sns; 11-06-2009 at 10:45 AM. Reason: Wrong location!

  2. #2
    Boring old fossil Night's Avatar
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    Moved.

  3. #3
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    I'll move it to the NT forum in a moment.

    EDIT: Or, uh, Night will move it.
    thanks dude!



    Anyhoo...!

    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    I'm dating I would say my third INTP now.
    I noticed that every time I meet one, they seem really cool, calm, and collected. Strong and not easily worked up.

    I noticed once you start to become more emotionally involved, they are like emotional train wrecks all of a sudden. And i'm always thrown into the position of being the steady, reasonable one.

    Clingy, whiney, untrusting at times. Extremely affectionate. Almost feminine. I don't get it. I usually think at that point maybe I mistyped them.

    But I didn't. (One of them actually tested for a class.)

    What is this all about, INTPs?
    What do I do about it?

    (Oops, crap, wrong place to put this thread. Mods can change it!)
    You're probably dealing with INTPs without a lot of relational experience.

    It's been mentioned before that the undeveloped feeling functions tend to be pure, simplistic, direct, sweet. Not a lot of nuance.

    For the negatives, you can easily get clingy, whiny, and paranoid. This would be technically labeled the "Fe inferior" at work, but it's basically saying that because INTPs focus so much and have gotten so skilled at their rational detached thinking that once they get ATTACHED, they have no experience nor any idea what to do with all the triggered emotion.

    So the positive emotion comes out purely and simply.
    But so does the negative.

    Ti coupled with Ne, if it is driven by feelings of abandonment and relational inexperience, can come up pretty neurotic in trying to draw conclusions from every little sign and piece of information that appears. ("Oh no, she did not answer the phone when I called this time -- but she always answers at this time -- is she dumping me, cheating on me, does she hate me? Augh!") INTP naturally tries to unpack information from a single piece of data; it has a rational framework to do this with impersonal (aka scientific or rational) info but it usually has little experience or intuitive understanding of RELATIONAL info.

    For example, you might just make assumptions about your bf because he is your bf, and you think your commitment is obvious -- in relationships people just assume the other person loves them, or thinks they're important to them, etc -- but INTPs by nature avoid assumptions, so sometimes they look for data to prove things to themselves that other people assume naturally. hence, they can seem more paranoid and demanding of unnecessary information in order to trust, if they start to have doubts. (INTPs usually have doubts about many things, all conclusions are open to challenge. Relationships are not rationally derived, they're more of personal commitments; hence the rational process doesn't work so well, and they are helpless until they get relational experience.)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  4. #4
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I think INTPs can fall pretty hard when they fall. Once the initial infatuation phase has passed, they revert to their calm, cool self to some degree, but if you do not like their gooshy side (which IMO, is a great honor to be allowed access to) probably it is better to date another type.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

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    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    It's been mentioned before that the undeveloped feeling functions tend to be pure, simplistic, direct, sweet. Not a lot of nuance.
    This is right on the money. Underdeveloped feeling can be almost embarrassingly sweet, especially when it shows up in a person who usually doesn't self express that way.
    I think I think more than you think I think.

  6. #6
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I think INTPs can fall pretty hard when they fall. Once the initial infatuation phase has passed, they revert to their calm, cool self to some degree, but if you do not like their gooshy side (which IMO, is a great honor to be allowed access to) probably it is better to date another type.
    The one I dated for 3-4 years on and off.
    (have been friends for probably 7 all together.) Never. calmed. down.

    The other one, about a year and a half, (haven't talked since) never really calmed down either, led to the demise of the relationship.

    I do love all the affection and attention from someone supposedly so "cool." I like their nature..

    I just wish there was a way that I could make them feel more secure.

  7. #7
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    When are Fe starts to spiral it can be pretty chaotic. Experience helps. But when it comes to emotions a little hand holding guidance will often get them back on course. Often the Fe outward emotions are emotions which you have inspired which the INTP is trying to harmonize.
    I have only recently become more comfortable with my emotions and even so...
    Basically INTPs can be a pain in the neck (and occasionally adorable/poetic) when it comes to their getting a grip on new powerful feelings (like raw nerves). Yet if you put up with some of the nonsense in this areas (other areas less tolerance is prolly a good idea) they will be grateful and payback accordingly.

    Edit: If they don't return equity or its more than you can handle then maybe its time to find another.
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

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    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

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    Senior Member Nizy's Avatar
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    Ti>Ne>Te>Ni>Se>Fe>Si>Fi

    "Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."

  9. #9
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    The one I dated for 3-4 years on and off.
    (have been friends for probably 7 all together.) Never. calmed. down.

    The other one, about a year and a half, (haven't talked since) never really calmed down either, led to the demise of the relationship.

    I do love all the affection and attention from someone supposedly so "cool." I like their nature..

    I just wish there was a way that I could make them feel more secure.
    Weird. I don't know. Most of my experience is with one and he calmed down about six to twelve months into it. For about ten to twelve years he was almost too distant and for the last . . . three to four years he's been just about comfortable for me.

    Maybe it's the 'official' commitment (engagement, marriage, responsibility, etc) that actually makes them feel secure (trapped? lol) enough to cool off a bit, I dunno.

    One thing I've noticed is that when he gets thrown off he doesn't recover as quickly as I do and he gets much more upset than I would about things that seem trivial to me, but he does calm down.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #10
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Well this one in particular,
    says, "I don't want to commit" (meaning he doesn't want to put a title on us.)

    So I didn't take it personally, (well, I lied, I did take it personally but understood) and said, "okay, lets just be friends." assuming he just doesn't like me all that much and it was all fine. I assume people are telling me the truth when they say things like that.

    Ever since then, he will not leave me alone, he "REALLY likes me", he wants to spend all ths time with me, he will not leave my side, won't stop calling, needs a hug every time I see him, wants to go on dates. Says he wishes we could be snuggly and kissey but is "afraid of committment" (I won't let him touch me. I don't want to get involved with something confusing.) My roommate who is his best friend says he gets really weird when he starts to care about someone. He gets like scared or something.

    He's the most difficult "case" i've had. Haha.
    I told him that it was fine, i'm not upset about it.
    There was literally no pressure or drama from my end.

    Either we're friends, or we're together.
    If he's so emotional about this, I don't see what the harm is in having a relationship. But, to each his own I spose. I finally just told him to shut up about it, the drama was getting on my nerves, and that we can just be simple friends who can date other people unless there's further notice.

    He was pretty chill and cool before all this.

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