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  1. #21
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Ah. He wants to feel secure, but he doesn't want to commit. Not how it works. He has to be a big boy and decide. I agree with Jennifer that you are doing exactly the right thing.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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  2. #22
    Member g_vartan's Avatar
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    i'm in the same boat at the original poster, but OP is handling it WAY better than i have/did (background: i've been in this boat for 2 years now -- dated my INTP intensely 2 years ago, and started dating again 4 months ago).

    i think for me, the biggest frustration is that even the most basic form of commitment, my INTP can't commit to -- he's already doing it (not seeing other people, aka, be exclusive), but when pressed - "are we exclusive?", he can't tell me that he won't in the future cause he's not ready...nor can he even tell me how he feels about me or where he sees things going.

    perhaps intps are one of those kinds of folks, they'll commit to the person they are with when they're at a life stage when they feel ready to settle down, not when they meet the right person? or maybe i just got a 'bad' or permanently immature INTP (he's 31 y.o., btw)?

    i think the intp excuse of "being scared" is a lame one. heck, as the other party, i'm *really* scared too but i don't let it prevent me from pursuing it (esp. when i feel that i'm falling for him, and i can sense he is as well for me through his subtle actions). i second cafe's comment. some of these guys need to be a 'big boy' and just man up....
    Last edited by g_vartan; 11-09-2009 at 07:54 PM.
    Men themselves have wondered what they see in me. They try so much but they can't touch my inner mystery. I'm a woman. Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman. That's me. /Maya Angelou

  3. #23
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    This observation is often true :blushing:

    ...but cant we just party on? Whats the big deal with "labels" as long as we act in accordance?
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

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  4. #24
    Member g_vartan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by spamtar View Post
    This observation is often true :blushing:

    ...but cant we just party on? Whats the big deal with "labels" as long as we act in accordance?
    "labels" matter to me because it shows that my intp cares. among the 'five love languages', i need 'words of affirmation' and he knows that and he still can't muster up the courage to do/say it. i sense 'analysis paralysis' going on...

    For example, i've asked that if he can't official commit to me by telling me we are exclusive, can he at least be more verbally affectionate? -- and i'm not talking about grand expressions of affection, more like when I tell him "i miss you," to just reciprocate by saying "i miss you too."

    i know for him its 'quality time' and 'physical touch' that's important -- and trust me, i've done my part there ... but why is it so hard to reciprocate and rise up to the occasion and provide what your partner needs? my intp would rather give up than try (even for a bit). the weird part is when we break, it is only AFTER then he becomes mushy -- telling me lots of sweet things. perhaps its just my situation....two people who are crazy about each other, yet can't seem to work out even the most simple issues

    anyways, i don't want to take away the convo from the original op....
    Last edited by g_vartan; 11-09-2009 at 07:56 PM.
    Men themselves have wondered what they see in me. They try so much but they can't touch my inner mystery. I'm a woman. Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman. That's me. /Maya Angelou

  5. #25
    WTF is this dude saying? A Schnitzel's Avatar
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    I've never been one to soften much, past a point. My soft moments are usually the "if you blink you'll miss it" type.

    I'm not sure what advice to give. I only know how to control myself. I certainly don't know how to date myself.

    It does sound like you women are being a little too accommodating with them.
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    sheesh humans! for realz

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    INTP's and relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    short-n-sweet
    You're exactly right .

  7. #27
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by A Schnitzel View Post

    It does sound like you women are being a little too accommodating with them.
    Hmm.. you think choosing to be friends is too accommodating?

  8. #28
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Risen View Post
    You're exactly right .
    Nah, I've found the opposite to be true. INTP relationships: Long, bitter and helpless.

  9. #29
    WTF is this dude saying? A Schnitzel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    Hmm.. you think choosing to be friends is too accommodating?
    He probably wants more than friends but you talk about how he can't handle more. I would have pushed him to man up and if he didn't dump him. It sounds like you're in an awkward friendlationship.
    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    sheesh humans! for realz

  10. #30
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by A Schnitzel View Post
    He probably wants more than friends but you talk about how he can't handle more. I would have pushed him to man up and if he didn't dump him. It sounds like you're in an awkward friendlationship.
    Yea. I am. I hate friendlationships.
    Its hard to dump someone who has been your friend for a bit though. We're together all the time and stuff. And the friendship doesn't feel like its hurting me. Its the mushy gooshy stuff that irritates.

    (I DID also tell him that if I feel like it later i'm not going to hesitate to start dating again. Its just that I happened to meet him at a time when I didn't care whether I was in a relationship or not, and was just being comfortalble with being single, so i'm not out actively seeking anyone else, so it makes us feel even MORE relationshippey. )

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