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Thread: INTJ's and Love

  1. #11
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    I don't even say that to family members. That phrase doesn't slip for me. It holds a great deal of weight and I don't toss it around, not even playfully. If I wanted to say I cared greatly, I'd say exactly that.

    The fact he stressed it in text and didn't take his opportunity to backspace it, factoring in he probably re-read it a couple times...

    Chances are it's not inspired by a "just a friend" mindset.

    But, since some friends do say such things like they're no big deal, it leaves an opening to gauge the depth of a close friend's possible interest in something more, or even get it off their chest in an odd way.

    If you react badly, he can just say it was "as a friend only" to retain some of his dignity. All the while probably mentally kicking himself.

    If that is the case, then your confusion means it was at least a partial success. Think of it as an emotional contingency plan. He was vague enough to adapt safely to any reaction it gets from you.

    It's hard to say for sure for a very good reason. He probably made it a point to word it so nobody but him would be truly sure of what he meant.

    That might seem overly complicated but, if he puts as much weight behind those words as I do, a little plan like that is far from out of the question. My certainty completely falters in that realm of communication. I would be pulling out almost all of the cautious stops.

    Note how I haven't even typed the phrase I'm referring to.

    Though if he was under the influence of something, it's best ignored.

  2. #12
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Erica View Post
    Haha. Ok point taken. I just don't know how we got to this position. I know he was initially interested when we first met at work, because he would flirt and make comments. Then we started to get closer and closer from there. It seems like the closer we got the further he seemed emotionally in some ways. I guess I do/did expect too much. Sometimes I think men are scared of confronting entjs.... maybe this is his backwards door way of doing it. But he picked a strange time to do it.
    I recall from my days of wooing an ENTJ much the same thing. You guys are very attractive and face to face two things go on inside the INTJ--or did for me. On the one hand, this woman is attractive (physically, but also with the similarity of strengths) so I want to make a connection. And on the other hand, I know intuitively that something is out of place and it's a big, big risk to get that feeling out there because once the statement is out there, it's going to hang there alone. That last part is what intuition kept warning me: that some convoluted expression of feeling is needed to handle both expressing the feeling and expressing the intuitive expectation that the feeling isn't going to be heeded.

    That whole thing where people see NTJs as unfeeling and steamroller-like? We see each other that way too. At least, it seems that way when it comes to intimate relationships, I guess.
    Bellison uncorked a flood of horrible profanity, which, translated, meant, "This is extremely unusual."

    Boy meets Grr

  3. #13
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    What you all are saying makes sense. I will probably regret this later but here is his entire email in context.

    If you want to talk about this then we can, if you don't that's fine. I love you Erica and you have always been a good friend in the past, but if you insist on telling me that I used someone, when you aren't even fully aware of what went on....if you really think that little of me.....and refuse to accept anything I say....then it really hurts my feelings and would prefer to not be your friend at all. I hope that does not happen, but if it does then there is nothing I can do about it. I have already tried to explain that both Amber and I had talked about all of this before it happened. I in no way used her and to think that you would say that to me makes me want to cry. When i try to defend myself you say I am only doing it to keep anyone else from knowing.......if you really want to then tell anyone you want, that is not what this is about and I think you know that. My main concern is what YOU are thinking about me, not them. I do not like you or anyone else thinking that I would ever use a girl. That's what hurts the most to me. With all the conversations I have had with you about women, you of all people should know that's not true.

    I just felt like you all needed the full picture.. at least some of it. This was copy/paste.

    I hide my feelings well or try to; I don't know why it never occured to me that other NTJ's especially men would want to do the same thing. So what does it take for a girl to coerce them out?

  4. #14
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    Man, that's complex.

    Well, all I can say is, he's expecting you to know what it means when he makes a feeling statement. No one's gonna know how to handle this without an NFP bodyguard.
    Bellison uncorked a flood of horrible profanity, which, translated, meant, "This is extremely unusual."

    Boy meets Grr

  5. #15
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    I know

  6. #16
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Erica View Post
    But he picked a strange time to do it.
    We're definitely not known for great timing and the blurting out thing...true. Then we're like..oh fuck what did I just say?? That doesn't make what we're blurting about out feelings untrue but once it's spoken we have to talk about it. This guy is hoping to god that you know what it means. It's in your court now.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  7. #17
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    ^or you could have a little FUN with this misunderstanding/backpeddling game. Lemons into lemonade I always say. But then again you all are Js and more interested in the substance than the process. Tch tch tch....:rolleyes2:
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  8. #18
    Senior Member MonkeyGrass's Avatar
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    I agree that the blurting is likely real, and that it's due to seeking relief from Fi. However, in my experience of INTJs, when thinking is back in control and they're "sober", so to speak, it may be two or three steps back from that sentiment, until they feel they can adequately explain and rationalize the feeling and it's implications.

    I've found they often blurt painfully vulnerable things about themselves or really pointed, deep criticisms of others in the moment, too, to try to gain the advantage in a conversation where they're out of their emotionall depth. They might feel guilty about it later, and really embarassed that they showed their hand to that extent, to the point of avoiding the subject for a while.
    I think I think more than you think I think.

  9. #19
    Black Magic Buzzard Kra's Avatar
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    I, personally, am hesitant to say "I love you" to anyone. It makes me cringe a bit. If I ever say it, you better believe it's true, as it's apparently strong enough to fight it's way past both Te and Ni, and even an odd bit of Ti.
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    Ni > Te > Ti = Fi > Ne > Si = Fe > Se

  10. #20
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    At some point however we'll all get used to the idea that we can't just come right out and say "I love you" because we're all blocked and confused and whatnot, and we'll know we're that type that blurts out stuff and yet doesn't blurt out stuff, and around about then we'll just start saying it because we can.

    I mean, it's not like we're trapped into a lifetime of never being able to express feelings, right?

    So if the guy in this story is in his 20s, maybe early 30s, then he'll be Mister Awkward Blurtinator. If he's older, then like anyone I guess, he'll probably have a bit more self possession.

    We mellow, don't we?
    Bellison uncorked a flood of horrible profanity, which, translated, meant, "This is extremely unusual."

    Boy meets Grr

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