[INTJ] How can I help an INTJ grieve?

[Eowyn]

And worse, grieve something not quite concrete? We're losing the baby it took us so long to conceive. He's devastated, but struggling with his response and knowing his own emotions.

To the uneducated eye, there's a tiny, tiny, tiny sliver of hope that there will be a visible baby at our follow up ultrasound, and he's clinging to it. He's insisting that everything can still be okay. It's false hope. Truly. This is my area of expertise, and there is no way we're going to see a heartbeat on Tuesday. We're just not. Biology, pure and simple.

Anyway, the whole process is happening today, and I need him to be my big strong man and hold me through it. And I know he can't. The thought of it is breaking his heart.

How can I help him with this process?

 

[Usehername]

And worse, grieve something not quite concrete? We're losing the baby it took us so long to conceive. He's devastated, but struggling with his response and knowing his own emotions.

To the uneducated eye, there's a tiny, tiny, tiny sliver of hope that there will be a visible baby at our follow up ultrasound, and he's clinging to it. He's insisting that everything can still be okay. It's false hope. Truly. This is my area of expertise, and there is no way we're going to see a heartbeat on Tuesday. We're just not. Biology, pure and simple.

Anyway, the whole process is happening today, and I need him to be my big strong man and hold me through it. And I know he can't. The thought of it is breaking his heart.

How can I help him with this process?

I'm sorry, Eowyn.


It might work if you tell him outright that he can have all the time he needs to deal with his legitimate feelings, the kind of feelings that show his great character that you love, later, but right now you need him to turn off his feelings.

If he tells you he can't turn off his feelings, you could kindly and lovingly call bullshit and tell him you've seen him do it in the past, he just is caught up in his feelings now which makes him think he can't do it, but really he can. Just turn them off temporarily.

Note: he might not actually be able to do this, so don't have complete expectations that he will be able to, but if you have faith that this is something he's quite capable of doing for a short period of time he will probably figure out how to do it without too much problem.

 

[Kra]

First off, you have my condolences. That is truly an unfortunate turn of events.

I don't like to speak for all of us, which is why you'll always notice I say "I" alot in my posts. I've also never had to deal with this kind of trauma. My best guess is remind him that you need him, and that it's best to focus on what he can do, which is be strong for you.

On the other hand, this kind of thing takes a heavy toll on even the strongest of people. Please take my advice with a grain of salt, as I can't even begin to know what he or you are going through.

 

[Eowyn]

Ok, plan for the day. I have girlfriends who have been through this already coming over to cry with me. DH is in the kitchen, making me breakfast on couch and taking care of the little ones. He's very, very involved with that at the moment. I think I'll let the girls take care of my emotional basket case stuff for today, and keep him out of it if I can. I can see him trying hard not to fall apart.

 

[Amargith]

I think this is not an easy thing to deal with, for anyone. I cannot even imagine what that would be like.

Personally, I'd listen to Usehername on this. But check, to see if he can handle it. Don't forget yourself in the process. If he's able to man up, take this time to grieve yourself already, so you can be there for him later. After all of this, take some time, just for the two of you, and tell him that it is ok to let go. To talk to you, to share the pain. He might be reluctant to do this, but he'll need it, and so will you. Let him fall apart, tell the world to come back later, and do the same for yourself. Ime, INTJs tend to struggle with their emotions, deal with the practical stuff first, and only later, way later, do they react as if the incident just occurred. Only later do their emotions really catch up. And it often confuses them and takes them by surprise. At that point, he'll need you to guide him through that maze, by asking questions, by making him talk about it.

Also..though grieving is necessary, make sure you both do not get stuck in it, stuck in a loop. I realize however, that this is easier said than done.

After you've seen that through (and it will be one hell of a ride, I imagine), make sure you take the time to reconnect, just the two of you. To remember why it is that you are together, and that despite this loss, there's nothing you cannot face together.

Best of luck to both of you.

 

[Oaky]

My advice would be to leave him be. I don't think he would want other people to start worrying about him. It's something he would feel he should figure out by himself as when other people try to help him he will likely want them to back away. It would probably add further fuel to his negative emotions. If you really can't stand waiting until he overcomes it himself I suggest just using simple actions of affection like hugging, kissing etc. Make it silent as in just no words.

It truly is an unfortunate situation.

 

[Amargith]

I agree that physical affection helps a great deal with an INTJ, especially if there just are no words.

 

[Spamtar]

Firstly: my condolences, my sister went through this prior to her first child and it was quiet difficult on her.

As to your man, although it sounds counter intuitive....I would suggest you consider allowing him to take on (at least in part) the role you are taking on now...for him to be not only 'the rescuer' rather more specifically 'your rescuer'.

INTJs and INTs in general can have a hard time appropriately dealing with death directly. The reason is because death is so out of our control, no matter how intelligent we are we can't "fix" it, we can't bring the dead back to life (if we could we would and I suspect there is a hidden part of us that thinks we could if we only tried harder...which may soon turns to self blame that we did something or omitted from doing something material in the past).

Thus, my suggestion to you is to give him something he can do which is related to the issue. Although INTJs may not be great with feelings, they, especially males, are more comfortable in the role of being a rescuer in times of crisis.

Therefore, tell him how you feel, your loss, your hopes, how your body is preparing itself for a healthy child, and most importantly how you need his strength and masculinity in this time of need. I trust he will rise to the occasion and feel better and more proactive than he did before.
A month or two afterwards thank him and let him know you are ready to be there for him and set up an opportunity to nurture and baby him and those feelings that needed to be repressed/redirected.

PS. Ditto on what usehername advised too.

 

[Blank]

I'm terribly sorry for your situation.

I could be dead wrong, but my advice is to let him be. Sometimes it's easier to delude ourselves than face the truth. He'll probably come around when he needs to, so until then, let him sort things out in his head.

EDIT: Just be there if he needs you to be there.

 

[Noamdofthehills]

How do you know it is breaking his heart?

 

[Eowyn]

How do you know it is breaking his heart?

Because I know him. We've grown up together. And because he's throwing himself into being Father of the Year with the littles we have at home and doing it without a word of complaint. And his face looks stricken.

 

[Noamdofthehills]

I can't speak for other INTJs, but I personally don't understand grieving. He may not want to grieve. He may want to move on.

 

[WoodsWoman]

Affirm your awareness of his care - you can only love as much as you can grieve. The depth of grief is telling. Some things will vary by one's type preference - other part are more universal. I recommend Recovery from Loss: A Personalized Guide to the Grieving Process by Tagliaferre and Harbaugh (an INTP and an INFP respectively) - it deals with loss taking MBTI into account.

 

[Eowyn]

Thanks everyone. My girlfriends just left. When the door closed, he said I have some really great friends and he was glad they were here. That takes care of most of today. If we can get through the next few days we'll be okay until it hits him again, if it does.

 

[Frank]

Give him as much space as he needs to figure it out for himself. Strong emotions can be devastating and best dealt with alone for an NTJ.

 

[Athenian200]

I don't know much about INTJs, but I think he'll feel a lot better if he knows that you're okay with it and are certain that it wasn't his fault. If he's worried about anything, it's probably you and how you'll respond to this more than the baby. He might even feel guilty on some level, feeling that he could have done something he didn't and let you down. Basically, try to return your previous habits, do your best to show that you feel okay, that the pain has passed, even if it hasn't.

But then, Fi might be different. I really don't know.

One thing I can tell you, though, is that Ts are not as strong as they look. From what I've seen, it's actually the guys you think are the toughest that have the most difficult time dealing with a crisis like this. Often, as overwhemed as Fs are by such things, we deal better, ironically because we're more in-tune with our emotions. So... please don't hold it against him if you have to be the strong one this time. He'll surely make it up to you tenfold without prompting if you do.

A lot of people assume that physical strength, or the ability to make tough-minded practical decisions, translates to emotional strength. It doesn't... quite the opposite, actually. The emotional part of the big strong man might very well be a frightened, confused little boy who has no idea how to deal with something like this. This may well be a shadow thing. It's possible that you believe you need him, but are actually fine. While he may believe he's fine, but actually need you.

 

[Kalach]

I don't know if this is real advice or romantic fantasy: create an opportunity for the transition from hope to grief.

Find a quiet time where nothing needs to be done and say something very simple, like "This is going to be bad."

You should not name the "this". He'll know what "this" is. ("This" is the coming loss.) Besides, naming it includes all sorts of things that can be addressed and solved, and that kind of talk is counterproductive at that point. Then once your simple statement is made, if he wants to talk about it, ask that it not be talked about at just this moment, wait for a few minutes.

See, if there's talk, it'll be about solutions. If there's a moment to keep silent, then the simple statement becomes a feeling conclusion, one that can be accepted. Once it's accepted, it becomes the basis for future action. The transition from hope to grief occurs.

A statement like "This is going to be bad" is just one way of saying that the future will include some suffering. There's other ways to say it. Depends on how you view it. But, to make an announcement that suffering is coming is one way of permitting that suffering to take place. Perhaps in the right time, the right way, and without too many attempts to solve it, or too many attempts to get it back onto a track that it can't get back on to.

 

[Eowyn]

He has completely stonewalled me today (today's the first day I haven't had friends with me), and yelled at my midwife when she left him my care instructions.

He just dropped a piece of paper with the most INTJ flow-chart ever of his thought processes (I love that man). He's afraid he did it. It started after a fight, and he's afraid he killed our baby. My poor husband! There's no way it's his fault. No way.

I'll delete this later to protect his privacy, but geez, what do I do this information? It's perfectly logical to me that he didn't do it, but he's not so sure. Poor, poor guy. I just want to make it better for him.

 

[InfiniteIntrigue]

Honestly, when I'm sad, I want a bit of space. Of course, if I self-sabotage myself too much, I seek some form of communication with someone who can listen well.

 

[Usehername]

You could tell him that there's so many logical errors in his line of thinking you don't know where to begin, but that he is definitely wrong. It helps that this is your area of expertise, so you could out-jargon him for a sentence or two. He's probably so lost that it wouldn't be hard to relinquish perceived power over logic capacities.

Then cuddling, probably.



Extra prayers for your household tonight. Everything will be okay.