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  1. #11
    Member Eowyn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noamdofthehills View Post
    How do you know it is breaking his heart?

    Because I know him. We've grown up together. And because he's throwing himself into being Father of the Year with the littles we have at home and doing it without a word of complaint. And his face looks stricken.
    "Every well-bred petty crook knows -- the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting."
    -Inara Serra

  2. #12
    Junior Member Noamdofthehills's Avatar
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    I can't speak for other INTJs, but I personally don't understand grieving. He may not want to grieve. He may want to move on.

  3. #13
    Senior Member WoodsWoman's Avatar
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    Affirm your awareness of his care - you can only love as much as you can grieve. The depth of grief is telling. Some things will vary by one's type preference - other part are more universal. I recommend Recovery from Loss: A Personalized Guide to the Grieving Process by Tagliaferre and Harbaugh (an INTP and an INFP respectively) - it deals with loss taking MBTI into account.

  4. #14
    Member Eowyn's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone. My girlfriends just left. When the door closed, he said I have some really great friends and he was glad they were here. That takes care of most of today. If we can get through the next few days we'll be okay until it hits him again, if it does.
    "Every well-bred petty crook knows -- the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting."
    -Inara Serra

  5. #15
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    Give him as much space as he needs to figure it out for himself. Strong emotions can be devastating and best dealt with alone for an NTJ.

  6. #16
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    I don't know much about INTJs, but I think he'll feel a lot better if he knows that you're okay with it and are certain that it wasn't his fault. If he's worried about anything, it's probably you and how you'll respond to this more than the baby. He might even feel guilty on some level, feeling that he could have done something he didn't and let you down. Basically, try to return your previous habits, do your best to show that you feel okay, that the pain has passed, even if it hasn't.

    But then, Fi might be different. I really don't know.

    One thing I can tell you, though, is that Ts are not as strong as they look. From what I've seen, it's actually the guys you think are the toughest that have the most difficult time dealing with a crisis like this. Often, as overwhemed as Fs are by such things, we deal better, ironically because we're more in-tune with our emotions. So... please don't hold it against him if you have to be the strong one this time. He'll surely make it up to you tenfold without prompting if you do.

    A lot of people assume that physical strength, or the ability to make tough-minded practical decisions, translates to emotional strength. It doesn't... quite the opposite, actually. The emotional part of the big strong man might very well be a frightened, confused little boy who has no idea how to deal with something like this. This may well be a shadow thing. It's possible that you believe you need him, but are actually fine. While he may believe he's fine, but actually need you.

  7. #17
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    I don't know if this is real advice or romantic fantasy: create an opportunity for the transition from hope to grief.

    Find a quiet time where nothing needs to be done and say something very simple, like "This is going to be bad."

    You should not name the "this". He'll know what "this" is. ("This" is the coming loss.) Besides, naming it includes all sorts of things that can be addressed and solved, and that kind of talk is counterproductive at that point. Then once your simple statement is made, if he wants to talk about it, ask that it not be talked about at just this moment, wait for a few minutes.

    See, if there's talk, it'll be about solutions. If there's a moment to keep silent, then the simple statement becomes a feeling conclusion, one that can be accepted. Once it's accepted, it becomes the basis for future action. The transition from hope to grief occurs.

    A statement like "This is going to be bad" is just one way of saying that the future will include some suffering. There's other ways to say it. Depends on how you view it. But, to make an announcement that suffering is coming is one way of permitting that suffering to take place. Perhaps in the right time, the right way, and without too many attempts to solve it, or too many attempts to get it back onto a track that it can't get back on to.
    Bellison uncorked a flood of horrible profanity, which, translated, meant, "This is extremely unusual."

    Boy meets Grr

  8. #18
    Member Eowyn's Avatar
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    He has completely stonewalled me today (today's the first day I haven't had friends with me), and yelled at my midwife when she left him my care instructions.

    He just dropped a piece of paper with the most INTJ flow-chart ever of his thought processes (I love that man). He's afraid he did it. It started after a fight, and he's afraid he killed our baby. My poor husband! There's no way it's his fault. No way.

    I'll delete this later to protect his privacy, but geez, what do I do this information? It's perfectly logical to me that he didn't do it, but he's not so sure. Poor, poor guy. I just want to make it better for him.
    "Every well-bred petty crook knows -- the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting."
    -Inara Serra

  9. #19
    Senior Member InfiniteIntrigue's Avatar
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    Honestly, when I'm sad, I want a bit of space. Of course, if I self-sabotage myself too much, I seek some form of communication with someone who can listen well.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    "Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves,
    who cannot control their emotions, who wallow in sad
    memories and allow themselves to be provoked this
    easily -- weak people, in other words -- they stand no chance."
    -Severus Snape

  10. #20
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    You could tell him that there's so many logical errors in his line of thinking you don't know where to begin, but that he is definitely wrong. It helps that this is your area of expertise, so you could out-jargon him for a sentence or two. He's probably so lost that it wouldn't be hard to relinquish perceived power over logic capacities.

    Then cuddling, probably.



    Extra prayers for your household tonight. Everything will be okay.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

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