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  1. #1
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Default How do NTs deal with death of friend/loved one

    Just heard a good buddy back from high school die. In my mind he was always a friend for life even though we grew apart and I had not seen him in a while. Apparently he started taking pain pills and accidentally overdosed. He was a single parent with a kid.

    I am not the most "in touch with my feelings" type of guy. What I first felt was "nothing" or a void. Was told about it over the telephone and just felt a bit uncomfortable talking to a mutual friend about it and when the funeral service would be.

    After that I felt sick to my stomach and then anxious. Called another friend and told him about it and it didn't make me feel better actually made me feel worse. I don't miss him. The disconnect is there is just discomfort or not feeling well and not like the discomfort of thinking like when you do something stupid and you try and work it out where it will not happen again or otherwise reverse or resolve this conundrum. I think when my mother dies I will have to see a doctor because since I love her more than anybody it will likely do the most damage.

    The cause and effect seem to be there but very difficult to trace.

    How does other NT deal with these more emotional events, particularly death? Do the way we feel differ greatly from others? Is there a norm? Is there suggested acts to do to get through the process better?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
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  2. #2
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    It seems if I could cry it would be better...I allow myself to get teary at contrived emotional twists in Disney Movies...but I can't cry for a death of a friend....
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

  3. #3
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I'm sorry about your friend.
    I'm not an NT, but I often don't cry when people die either. There are many ways to grieve. If you feel you need to cry a bit for release, then hey, pull out the Disney movies
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  4. #4
    Member slant's Avatar
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    Mostly the same way as everybody else. Death, there's not many ways to deal with death. Time, probably. and a damn lot of distractions/ tissues

  5. #5
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    kinda did a "pray thing" where I imagined I was talking to his spirt, it helped, he seemed happy and was cool to me...I told him thx for those times when we were hanging out and he was cool. He was one of those human giants when you went somewhere everybody "chose" to be cool to us. He had his bad times and saw him pick a fight with a whole house of college kids and they all ran inside in fear. We used to do and say what we wanted with impunity.
    ...it said see what I could do, even in a little way, to look after his kid. The family thing seems so messed up for them...I feel powerless to help but I will work to see what I can do for the kid. It will frustrate me to know end but may get me away from the feelings/weird pain…maybe watching a Disney flick will help…will give it a go.
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

  6. #6
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your loss.

    The answer to your question is that there is no answer key book for dealing with death, which is a frightening thing for an NT searching for answers. The answer to your question is that you must traverse through the unknown, and no one else can do it for you.
    A word of wisdom from being there myself: use the opportunity to share vulnerability in some form with your loved ones or friends that you might wish to establish a deeper relationship with. Being human with other humans is always a risk, and often awkward for NTs, but showing your struggles can lead to stronger and more meaningful relationships, and forge a path for any times in the future where you may wish to share something but have no precedence for getting mushy or serious or whatever with someone. Death closes doors, and it's a heartwrenching thing, but it also opens doors--don't forget to walk through them and scout out the room, eh?

    A card offering acknowledgment of the death and your condolences reminds the ones he left behind the he mattered to people. Sharing a small memory would help the kid "know" their father, and be a gift later in life that is hard to come by.

    If you're from the same area you could pair up with a female friend who knew him (removes any creepiness factor, sad but true, because you probably didn't know the mom that well) and offer to take the kid to the park and share joy with the kid while the mom grieves with her friends or goes for a massage or whatever (even if the parents weren't together, she's still gotta be grieving).
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  7. #7
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
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    I lost a good friend of mine a little over a year ago. My best friend called me and told me, and as soon as she said it tears just started pouring...but it didn't even really "hit" me, it was like a weird automatic response. I cried quite a lot for the next few weeks once I did realize it.

    My experience was similar to yours Spamtar, he was a childhood friend but we hadn't talked in a while, and we lived in different states. That was one of the most painful parts. I lived in a town where nobody had even heard of him, let alone his death, I felt completely alone in it. I continued on with my life normally, but it was a long time before I felt happy again.

    My way of grieving was to channel all of my emotion into that feeling of loss, which left me mostly zombie-like the rest of the time. I just let myself feel everything. I did, admittedly, do it alone for the most part...I found that many people who knew him weren't able to talk about it, and that conversation with those who didn't know him was quite empty and unhelpful.

    I had, I think, two dreams about him though, which were both saddening and comforting. I also called his mother to talk to her, which was one of the most emotional and painful phone calls I have ever had, but I at least felt that I had tied up loose ends so to speak.
    "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"

  8. #8
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    need to come to term with it, however that happens

    my most recent goes something like
    1. restless sleep
    2. go to a stand up comedy show
    3. think about them after the show when i am in a different (uplifted) head space...everything they gave me; everything they taught me

  9. #9
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thisGuy View Post
    3. think about them after the show when i am in a different (uplifted) head space...everything they gave me; everything they taught me
    Ah, yes, this is a good one.

    I also made a list of my favorite memories with my friend. I wrote down any random details I could think of (I have a terrible memory and I wanted to retain as much of the good stuff as I could).
    "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"

  10. #10
    Senior Member Feops's Avatar
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    On the (thankfully rare) occasion I'm informed of a death, I've felt perhaps the same 'void' you described. A sort of nervous blank laced with subtle dread. I've never felt inclined to cry, but it takes some hours to fade.

    Side note: I don't like formal funerals. I agree with respecting one's passing, but funerals feel like rubbing your nose in it.

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