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[NT] How do NTs deal with death of friend/loved one

Spamtar

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Just heard a good buddy back from high school die. In my mind he was always a friend for life even though we grew apart and I had not seen him in a while. Apparently he started taking pain pills and accidentally overdosed. He was a single parent with a kid.

I am not the most "in touch with my feelings" type of guy. What I first felt was "nothing" or a void. Was told about it over the telephone and just felt a bit uncomfortable talking to a mutual friend about it and when the funeral service would be.

After that I felt sick to my stomach and then anxious. Called another friend and told him about it and it didn't make me feel better actually made me feel worse. I don't miss him. The disconnect is there is just discomfort or not feeling well and not like the discomfort of thinking like when you do something stupid and you try and work it out where it will not happen again or otherwise reverse or resolve this conundrum. I think when my mother dies I will have to see a doctor because since I love her more than anybody it will likely do the most damage.

The cause and effect seem to be there but very difficult to trace.

How does other NT deal with these more emotional events, particularly death? Do the way we feel differ greatly from others? Is there a norm? Is there suggested acts to do to get through the process better?
 

Spamtar

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It seems if I could cry it would be better...I allow myself to get teary at contrived emotional twists in Disney Movies...but I can't cry for a death of a friend....
 

OrangeAppled

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I'm sorry about your friend. :hug:
I'm not an NT, but I often don't cry when people die either. There are many ways to grieve. If you feel you need to cry a bit for release, then hey, pull out the Disney movies :D
 

slant

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Mostly the same way as everybody else. Death, there's not many ways to deal with death. Time, probably. and a damn lot of distractions/ tissues
 

Spamtar

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kinda did a "pray thing" where I imagined I was talking to his spirt, it helped, he seemed happy and was cool to me...I told him thx for those times when we were hanging out and he was cool. He was one of those human giants when you went somewhere everybody "chose" to be cool to us. He had his bad times and saw him pick a fight with a whole house of college kids and they all ran inside in fear. We used to do and say what we wanted with impunity.
...it said see what I could do, even in a little way, to look after his kid. The family thing seems so messed up for them...I feel powerless to help but I will work to see what I can do for the kid. It will frustrate me to know end but may get me away from the feelings/weird pain…maybe watching a Disney flick will help…will give it a go.
 

Usehername

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I'm sorry for your loss. :hug:

The answer to your question is that there is no answer key book for dealing with death, which is a frightening thing for an NT searching for answers. The answer to your question is that you must traverse through the unknown, and no one else can do it for you.
A word of wisdom from being there myself: use the opportunity to share vulnerability in some form with your loved ones or friends that you might wish to establish a deeper relationship with. Being human with other humans is always a risk, and often awkward for NTs, but showing your struggles can lead to stronger and more meaningful relationships, and forge a path for any times in the future where you may wish to share something but have no precedence for getting mushy or serious or whatever with someone. Death closes doors, and it's a heartwrenching thing, but it also opens doors--don't forget to walk through them and scout out the room, eh?

A card offering acknowledgment of the death and your condolences reminds the ones he left behind the he mattered to people. Sharing a small memory would help the kid "know" their father, and be a gift later in life that is hard to come by.

If you're from the same area you could pair up with a female friend who knew him (removes any creepiness factor, sad but true, because you probably didn't know the mom that well) and offer to take the kid to the park and share joy with the kid while the mom grieves with her friends or goes for a massage or whatever (even if the parents weren't together, she's still gotta be grieving).
 

poppy

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I lost a good friend of mine a little over a year ago. My best friend called me and told me, and as soon as she said it tears just started pouring...but it didn't even really "hit" me, it was like a weird automatic response. I cried quite a lot for the next few weeks once I did realize it.

My experience was similar to yours Spamtar, he was a childhood friend but we hadn't talked in a while, and we lived in different states. That was one of the most painful parts. I lived in a town where nobody had even heard of him, let alone his death, I felt completely alone in it. I continued on with my life normally, but it was a long time before I felt happy again.

My way of grieving was to channel all of my emotion into that feeling of loss, which left me mostly zombie-like the rest of the time. I just let myself feel everything. I did, admittedly, do it alone for the most part...I found that many people who knew him weren't able to talk about it, and that conversation with those who didn't know him was quite empty and unhelpful.

I had, I think, two dreams about him though, which were both saddening and comforting. I also called his mother to talk to her, which was one of the most emotional and painful phone calls I have ever had, but I at least felt that I had tied up loose ends so to speak.
 

thisGuy

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need to come to term with it, however that happens

my most recent goes something like
1. restless sleep
2. go to a stand up comedy show
3. think about them after the show when i am in a different (uplifted) head space...everything they gave me; everything they taught me
 

poppy

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3. think about them after the show when i am in a different (uplifted) head space...everything they gave me; everything they taught me

Ah, yes, this is a good one.

I also made a list of my favorite memories with my friend. I wrote down any random details I could think of (I have a terrible memory and I wanted to retain as much of the good stuff as I could).
 

Feops

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On the (thankfully rare) occasion I'm informed of a death, I've felt perhaps the same 'void' you described. A sort of nervous blank laced with subtle dread. I've never felt inclined to cry, but it takes some hours to fade.

Side note: I don't like formal funerals. I agree with respecting one's passing, but funerals feel like rubbing your nose in it.
 

Spamtar

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Thx for all. just reading this allowed me to release a tear where ironically talking to close friends on the phone/text did not. (whiskey helped too)

I will pull myself together soon.

xoxo
 

kathara

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It depends. Either cry my eyes out in such manner than I need sedating, or dismissively. The problem with the second attitude is that sometimes I think those people are still alive and ask about them.
 

Forgetful Functor

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The problem with the second attitude is that sometimes I think those people are still alive and ask about them.

At Harris Teeter the other day, I thought I saw a friend who had taken his own life a couple months ago.

It didn't hit me immediately why it couldn't have been him, but when it did a few moments later, I was thrown for the rest of the day.
 

jenocyde

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When my oldest brother died, I just avoided everyone. Didn't go to his funeral, didn't shed a tear and I rarely think of him. It's as if he never existed. I still feel guilty to this day for avoiding my father in his lowest moment but I don't think I would have been strong enough to comfort my father through his breakdown. I watched my dad hold his hand as they turned the machines off - that was more than enough for me. It's been 13 years and it still sucks ass when I think about it.

When my best friend died, I was very far away so it took me a while to accept it as real. When I went home and saw the actual accident scene, with the blood and everything else, I almost lost my shit thinking about what his last moments were like - if he was scared, if he knew it was over. I became obsessed with his final moments. It made me motivated to do everything he ever wanted to do, so he could kind of live vicariously through my experiences. I still haven't cried for him and it's now been 5 years. But I feel like I've honored him.

I've had friends and family members die in between all of this, but these two incidents shook me to the core. Whiskey really does help.
 

tinkerbell

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Spa,

I'm sorry for your loss

It's not easy in some ways friends are more difficult because they are usually unexpected. Hope you are OK

Resp to OP
badly... it either doens't really touch me at all, or touches me so intensely I'm a mess in a slow quite contemplative way....

I'm awful at big funerals, just block a fair portion of them out...

Scared I forget and ask about people on the phone post a death, and really upset when there is something specific I want to share with that person and then get hit that they are dead.
 

Spamtar

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All very helpful in advice and/or presence and thank for the condolences.

As well as writing his family/son. I think I will write about him (dead friend) to myself. Writing is so much easier then talking sometimes.

There I can write about both the good and bad times. No morale just how it happened when it happened.

My sister called and I did not tell her about the death…told her to watch her weight and confirmed she had life insurance for her kids and then just waited on “auto pilot” chat until I could convince to hang up the phone


It made me motivated to do everything he ever wanted to do, so he could kind of live vicariously through my experiences. I still haven't cried for him and it's now been 5 years. But I feel like I've honored him.

These thoughts seemed like ways I can address the event/person and make something more positive of his memory.

Sometimes kinda wish I could be more proficient in my feeling. Maybe its evolution/God/nature's way of motivating me under duress.
 

Son of the Damned

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Be thankful that they were in your life to start with.
I did not cry when my mother died, because I felt lucky to have had a mother at all.
I did not cry when my best friend died, because I felt lucky that someone that special considered me their friend( let alone their best friend) in the first place.

We all deal with loss differently, and these things take time.
 

Timmy

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When I had relatives die, I was sad for a bit...they were grandparents or older aunts/uncles, so while sad it wasn't unexpected.

I found out that an old girlfriend had died (years after we broke up)...When I refer to her now, it's always "oh yeah, XXXXX, but she's dead now..."

Wanting to go into law enforcement, and growing up around that field, I have a very dark sense of humor, so that plays into it, too.

When my dad died, however, I cried for days on end. I became bitter and angry, taking it out on people ("Tim, I am so sorry your dad died..." ..."Why, did you kill him?"). That took about 4 years to get through.

I have always been a cynic, but that made it worse.

Once I got over my dad's death, it was sort of back-to-normal. I had a friend killed in Iraq in 2004. I cried for a bit when I read it in the paper and at the funeral. Eli was a great guy...but he died doing something he loved and believed in. Can't fault a guy for that.

Have had a few other relatives die...I cry for a short time, then am pretty much done.

When we had to put our dog to sleep...who we had for 12 years...I cried like a little girl for days. But no bitterness.

Last Saturday I got a text message from a friend (while at my sister's wedding) that another friend was killed in Afghanistan. I cried for a few minutes, then went back to the wedding. Again, he died doing something he loved, and was able to warn off/save a couple of his friends (mine, too) before he was killed. I'll attend his funeral when it comes up, and will probably cry a bit there, too.

Generally, I hate funerals...considering them Kabuki for the family...some obligatory ritual that supposedly does something. I find them depressing. I'd rather not go to my friend's funeral, but I will. I'd rather have said my goodbyes before he left Arizona (which I did, to all the members of that unit) than go to a funeral after someone's dead.

In the end, death is as much a part of life as is birth. It sucks, especially when it's someone you care about. After an appropriate amount of time, I can sometimes even make light of it (as with the ex-girlfriend).
 

Spamtar

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Gotta go to his service tomorrow. Prolly see a bunch of friends who I have not seen in a long time. Also likely a lot of folks I don't know. This is normal set up for a party but am kinda rusty on the funereal mannerisms. Not really looking forward to it. Mostly an informal crowd and many will likely feel a little awkward because the guy was young and died from an OD. Seemed like I got over the worst of it but now with the funerial coming tomarrow that sickly feeling is creeping into my gut again.:huh:
 
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