User Tag List

First 12345 Last

Results 21 to 30 of 50

  1. #21
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    4,601

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by DiscoBiscuit View Post
    The "one" in question ...If that isn't love then I'll hang up my heart and never use it again.

    My feelings for her still haunt me. And I think about her fondly often. But I've probably only said four words to her since she left.


    yeah, that's love alright

    are you like me in the respect of not being able to do the "let's stay friends" thing when you break up with someone? wondering if this actually is connected in any way to the topic and if so how? Hmm...

    whether you're religious or spritual or not, I think the way St Paul put it sums up what for me is the measure of love:

    Love is patient,
    love is kind;
    love is not jealous or boastful;
    it is not arrogant or rude.
    Love does not insist on its own way;
    it is not irritable or resentful;
    it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
    Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
    Love never ends.
    Although that last part, about enduring all things and never ending - I have difficulty with that part. I mean, does it mean you put up with everything someone does to you if you love them? Or does it mean you just keep loving them through it, though you speak your mind as to what you think of their behaviour? I guess that would be how you show your love for some people (me included) - that you don't let them become or remain as big a brat as that, and help them with some home truths even though you know you'll get no thanks for it?

    What if they walk away from you and refuse to speak to you for a long period? Does it mean you're supposed to go after them and try to make peace, even when you know it'll mean you'll get abuse and bile for your efforts? or does it mean you let them go, but still love them, and be willing to forgive and "reinstate" them if they came back and asked for it? "Hoping" for that to happen?
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  2. #22
    Tempbanned
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Enneagram
    8w9
    Posts
    14,031

    Default

    It depends on a number of things, the most important of these being, the depth and intensity of the relationship. If I was truly in love with the girl in question, I would most likely never be able to be friends after we had broken up. Being around someone I feel that strongly for is an all or nothing proposition. I would probably try to not torture myself by staying in contact with what might have been. I've known what it is to be close to someone you want (need) that badly and not be able to do anything about it. Given the opportunity, I will try to avoid this situation in the future.

    On the other hand, if it was a more casual relationship, the prospect of staying friends would not bother me nearly as much.

    Concerning your second point, I am religious and concur entirely with St. Paul and his musings on love. Love gave me the wings to escape the flaws of my character. It gave me the strength, bravery, and audacity to care about someone else more than I care about myself. In this act, I found true happiness for the first time.

    I'm going think on the last portion of your post for a little while longer before I respond to it.

  3. #23
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    4,601

    Default

    oh, by that I don't mean that if you love someone you behave like a saint towards them all the time. it's more that I believe that actions that are done purely through or for love are recognizable by those symptoms, sorta thing. But a lot of the time we don't act out of love, even when it's towards people we do love. Fear, pride, arrogance, defiance, laziness, whatever, but there are lots of different motives we can have besides love when we choose the way we act, though it's obviously not always conscious and intentional.

    I wonder though, because when they say you can recognize love by these ways, when you see it, I don't think everybody can. Cos I can think of times when I know FULLY well that I've searched myself and chosen and determinedly pursued a course of action that came from really pure love, and yet it's been thrown back in my face, twisting it and calling it all sorts of other terrible things.

    I guess again though, that's insecurity talking.

    It's feeling to me like the biggest bar to actual love is insecurity. Isn't that ironic? A condition that's ostensibly about a person desperately needing to be loved and feeling like they're not, which actually produces symptoms of behaviour that makes it quite unlikely that anyone's going to even like them enough to hang around them enough to be able to grow to love them. And yet it demands attachment?!

    Could it be that such a person actually is somewhat blind to the fact that they actually need love, and what love is? Thinking that attachment is love, with the insecurity fooling them into thinking they need attachment to satisfy the craving for love? Could the horrible circle be broken by them finally realizing the distinction between attachment and love?

    What can you do if you love someone who's not capable of recognizing love? If they require attachment as evidence of love, yet you're unable to give that to them?
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  4. #24
    Senior Member SerengetiBetty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Enneagram
    7w8
    Socionics
    ILE
    Posts
    230

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Do you find that you need to like them to spend time with them, but can still love them without liking them enough yet to spend as much time with them as they might want to?
    yes. this is very true for me for some of my family members. I love them but I don't particularly like them

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post

    IOW, have you ever felt like a person was pressuring you to spend more time with them than you really felt comfortable with or wanted to, at that stage of your acquaintance? And/or subsequently been accused of being a fake and not really liking them, because you've not given into the pressure?
    This is very true of many of my romantic relationships. I'm generally OK with being close as long as I have enough time and space to do my own stuff from time to time without having a guilt trip laid on me. I simply don't understand how after a certain point it's generally assumed that you do practically everything and go almost everywhere with your SO. Sometimes people don't understand that it's not a matter of actively not wanting to do something with them, but more a matter of wanting to do it by yourself. As long as that's not more than 35-40% of the relationship I don't see what the big deal is. For instance now my bf is upset at me for going to see a movie by himself - a movie he wouldn't have gone to seen anyway - but he sees me not asking him to go as a potential larger problem of me not wanting to spend any time with him.

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post

    I wonder actually if requiring attachment from a loved one as evidence of their love might not be the product of insecurity? I don't mean that in a derogatory way, as I'm insecure myself in some ways, I admit to it and I think everyone is in some way or another. But perhaps there's a particular kind of insecurity that makes you unable to believe someone actually does love you or like you or whatever, so you're always looking for "proof" of it to reassure yourself. And since there's no way to get tangible proof of abstract emotions that happen inside another person's head, I suppose they latch on instead to evidence of attachment: how often do they visit? how often do they call? how much do they NEED my presence?
    I think this may be true. At times I've yielded and tried to become what a partner wanted. I've been given permission by a few ex's to be as smothering as I wish. But since their idea of smothering would practically require me to not work so I can be available for phone calls, IM messages, emails AND personal time together I always disappoint them. It's frustrating to me because it seems the more I give, the more they want .AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

    Quote Originally Posted by The_Liquid_Laser View Post
    I wish I feel more attached than I do. To me it seems like I am below the minimum.
    but who's to say what the minimum is?

  5. #25
    Glowy Goopy Goodness The_Liquid_Laser's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    3,377

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SerengetiBetty View Post
    but who's to say what the minimum is?
    I say. I am below my own minimum.
    My wife and I made a game to teach kids about nutrition. Please try our game and vote for us to win. (Voting period: July 14 - August 14)
    http://www.revoltingvegetables.com

  6. #26
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    761

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by nightning View Post
    So need for attachment = insecurity.

    How this goes back to attachment styles in infants...
    I was just thinking about that.

    The OP was pretty much my type of love/attachment. I don't really miss people, at all. But I know that I'm more or less avoidant.

  7. #27
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    4,601

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sade View Post
    I was just thinking about that.

    The OP was pretty much my type of love/attachment. I don't really miss people, at all. But I know that I'm more or less avoidant.
    I've read that link and it's fascinating. The anxious-preoccupied sort is the one I've encountered most in the people who've become attached to me. I don't know what I do to attract such people, but they seem to come to me like a magnet!

    Not really sure where I'd be placed on the scale. I know in the past I'd have been smack in the middle of the dismissive/avoidant bit, but in time that's become less and less the case. i'd say these days I'm about three-quarters of the way along the line between that and the secure kind.
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  8. #28
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    Just to toss in my bone here, to meet the OP:

    I'm scared sometimes at how much intensity in love and commitment I can feel to someone in my life, my commitment is never in question... and yet feel like if they disappeared tomorrow or if they're gone, I'm totally fine and would be fine and would just move on.

    I don't get it, it seems sort of contradictory to me.
    Phobic/counterphobic, maybe, even, too.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #29
    Senior Member tinkerbell's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    3,487

    Default

    Hi Sub


    There was a thread on relationship bit last week looking at attachment theory - was a yale lecture... basically it breaks down what attachement it...

  10. #30
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Posts
    4,601

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Just to toss in my bone here, to meet the OP:

    I'm scared sometimes at how much intensity in love and commitment I can feel to someone in my life, my commitment is never in question... and yet feel like if they disappeared tomorrow or if they're gone, I'm totally fine and would be fine and would just move on.

    I don't get it, it seems sort of contradictory to me.
    Phobic/counterphobic, maybe, even, too.
    yes, I relate to that very much too. this is the bizarre thing to me - the other person often is looking for evidence of attachment as evidence of commitment, but for me the two are not on the same axis at all.

    Yes, intense, utter and total commitment and loyalty - without apparent attachment. That's "all" I can offer, and it's just not enough sometimes.
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

Similar Threads

  1. why doesn't God love me?
    By miss fortune in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 192
    Last Post: 05-05-2010, 10:05 AM
  2. Who Doesn't Love An ENTP?
    By Antimony in forum Welcomes and Introductions
    Replies: 193
    Last Post: 11-20-2009, 09:07 PM
  3. I freakin love mixed martial arts.
    By Alienclock in forum Arts & Entertainment
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 04-03-2008, 04:48 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO