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  1. #1
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    Default ENTJ's: Lucky in success, Unlucky in love

    I'm interested to hear the views of other ENTJ's (and everyone else for that matter) on this.

    As an ENTJ, my personal strengths have led to continued success in academia and the professional world. Despite my substantial interest in financial and professional success, I have had one complaint that has obstructed my ability to enjoy my successes. This being the difficulty I have with forming deep and long lasting romantic relationships.

    I, at 23 years of age, have had only two real relationships, neither of which continued past 2 months.

    The first was on and off for 2 years (more off than on), and involved my HS sweetheart. I was too young to see she wasn't right for me, but luckily she knew I wasn't right for her.

    The second occurred over the summer before my senior year of college and I basically lived at this girls place, but was never into her enough to put a label on it.

    I realize that much of my inability in the realm of love, is indicative of my (past) status as a social neophyte. However, I have been working on this (harder than many of my posts here would indicate).

    However, social awkwardness cannot fully explain (or even mostly explain) my hangups with women.

    I believe that the reason I have so much trouble with the opposite sex (and social situations in general) is that I hold, potential romantic partners, (or other social acquaintances for that matter) up to the same standards I hold myself. Thus, it becomes a situation where I either, 1) fall head over heals for the person and want to spend the rest of my life with them instantaneously because they live up to my (admittedly) ridiculous standards, or 2) I only want to have sex with them because I am physically attracted to them but some other issue prevents me from opening up myself to emotional attachment. While this issue is often justified, i.e. she makes me want to jam a #2 pencil into my temple every time she opens her mouth, I feel that I too often nip potential relationships in the bud before I give the other person time to get to know me, or time for me to really get to know them.

    In the first of the two instances presented above, my snap judgment and pursuit don't really stand as a social detriment, except for the fact that I've only encountered one girl in my experience on this planet that stirred my soul in such a way as to make me want to commit to her unconditionally, and that in that situation, my undying and immediate affection combined with her having a long term BF I didn't find out about until 3 weeks after I met her led to me scaring her off or pushing her away.

    In the latter of the two instances, it often happens that I end the sexual contact the instant I realize that they don't fit into my ideal view of what a SO should be, or I just continue sexual contact in the knowledge that I will never pursue anything more. This second option comes to pass mostly when I immediately know that the girl is crazy and doesn't warrant emotional attachment. The first however, has been occurring more and more often as I have aged.

    I have noticed a similar dynamic in the way I formulate friendships. Either they fit into what I think they should be and I become best friends with them, or they don't fit and are either regulated to acquaintance status or are discarded all together.

    Basically my main issue is this, how can I best reconcile my desire for a relationship with my inability to accept anyone who doesn't fit into what purpose they should play in my life without compromising my rigid, and often life saving system of ideals?

    I know its vain to look at others solely based on what they can do for you, and I hate that I do it, but so far I haven't had too much luck with, or incentive to change my ways.

    Any thoughts or perspectives would be welcome! Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Heh, it's good to have a filter, don't kick yourself for having one. If you do see places where you can do with out the specific want, however, it would be a good idea to make sure you are more lenient on those.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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  3. #3
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Mmm no, no problems for me in either. Sux 2 be u.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  4. #4
    Senior Member tinkerbell's Avatar
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    There are very few perfect partners - so either be prepared to bend your rules or spend a lot of time alone.

    I think N types tend to be seeking some ideal in some ways and sometimes it's a bit unrealistic, you learn from all your relationships.

    and FYI - ENTJs are the type that is more likely to have a shopping list and will only humour partners that tick enough of the list... and then tell the ones who don't that there is no logevity (or there abouts according to Keirsey)

    Lis

  5. #5
    Pumpernickel
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    I'm trying to figure out the same shit too, and can pretty much identify 100% with your post.

    The only thing I've tried to do is work on my P but I find that no matter how flexible I act and how much I restrict my Judging, I still feel like I'm cheating myself trying to make something work when I know the person will never fit my standards.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by justxher View Post
    I'm trying to figure out the same shit too, and can pretty much identify 100% with your post.

    The only thing I've tried to do is work on my P but I find that no matter how flexible I act and how much I restrict my Judging, I still feel like I'm cheating myself trying to make something work when I know the person will never fit my standards.
    +100000000

    Its seems like you are selling yourself short just to conform to society's expectations.

  7. #7
    Pose! Salt n' pepper's Avatar
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    I can't give you any advice. I have the exact same problem. 100%. It's freakin' frustrating, and I feel you. Also, once I'm in a relationship (even with someone I adore), I have huge problems with balancing work and "romance". They always end up feeling neglected and less important, while I expect them to understand. I'm never gonna settle for anything less than amazing, but I think I'll work on being more pragmatic and realistic when it comes to choosing a partner and what they can live up to. A lot of my ideas for a partner are not fair to him. Which sucks.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Salt n' pepper View Post
    I can't give you any advice. I have the exact same problem. 100%. It's freakin' frustrating, and I feel you. Also, once I'm in a relationship (even with someone I adore), I have huge problems with balancing work and "romance". They always end up feeling neglected and less important, while I expect them to understand. I'm never gonna settle for anything less than amazing, but I think I'll work on being more pragmatic and realistic when it comes to choosing a partner and what they can live up to. A lot of my ideas for a partner is not fair to him. Which sucks.
    Thanks for you're candor. I totally agree.

  9. #9
    Babylon Candle Venom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DiscoBiscuit View Post
    I'm interested to hear the views of other ENTJ's (and everyone else for that matter) on this.

    As an ENTJ, my personal strengths have led to continued success in academia and the professional world. Despite my substantial interest in financial and professional success, I have had one complaint that has obstructed my ability to enjoy my successes. This being the difficulty I have with forming deep and long lasting romantic relationships.

    I, at 23 years of age, have had only two real relationships, neither of which continued past 2 months.

    The first was on and off for 2 years (more off than on), and involved my HS sweetheart. I was too young to see she wasn't right for me, but luckily she knew I wasn't right for her.

    The second occurred over the summer before my senior year of college and I basically lived at this girls place, but was never into her enough to put a label on it.

    I realize that much of my inability in the realm of love, is indicative of my (past) status as a social neophyte. However, I have been working on this (harder than many of my posts here would indicate).

    However, social awkwardness cannot fully explain (or even mostly explain) my hangups with women.

    I believe that the reason I have so much trouble with the opposite sex (and social situations in general) is that I hold, potential romantic partners, (or other social acquaintances for that matter) up to the same standards I hold myself. Thus, it becomes a situation where I either, 1) fall head over heals for the person and want to spend the rest of my life with them instantaneously because they live up to my (admittedly) ridiculous standards, or 2) I only want to have sex with them because I am physically attracted to them but some other issue prevents me from opening up myself to emotional attachment. While this issue is often justified, i.e. she makes me want to jam a #2 pencil into my temple every time she opens her mouth, I feel that I too often nip potential relationships in the bud before I give the other person time to get to know me, or time for me to really get to know them.

    In the first of the two instances presented above, my snap judgment and pursuit don't really stand as a social detriment, except for the fact that I've only encountered one girl in my experience on this planet that stirred my soul in such a way as to make me want to commit to her unconditionally, and that in that situation, my undying and immediate affection combined with her having a long term BF I didn't find out about until 3 weeks after I met her led to me scaring her off or pushing her away.

    In the latter of the two instances, it often happens that I end the sexual contact the instant I realize that they don't fit into my ideal view of what a SO should be, or I just continue sexual contact in the knowledge that I will never pursue anything more. This second option comes to pass mostly when I immediately know that the girl is crazy and doesn't warrant emotional attachment. The first however, has been occurring more and more often as I have aged.

    I have noticed a similar dynamic in the way I formulate friendships. Either they fit into what I think they should be and I become best friends with them, or they don't fit and are either regulated to acquaintance status or are discarded all together.

    Basically my main issue is this, how can I best reconcile my desire for a relationship with my inability to accept anyone who doesn't fit into what purpose they should play in my life without compromising my rigid, and often life saving system of ideals?

    I know its vain to look at others solely based on what they can do for you, and I hate that I do it, but so far I haven't had too much luck with, or incentive to change my ways.

    Any thoughts or perspectives would be welcome! Thanks for listening.
    Quote Originally Posted by justxher View Post
    I'm trying to figure out the same shit too, and can pretty much identify 100% with your post.

    The only thing I've tried to do is work on my P but I find that no matter how flexible I act and how much I restrict my Judging, I still feel like I'm cheating myself trying to make something work when I know the person will never fit my standards.
    Quote Originally Posted by Salt n' pepper View Post
    I can't give you any advice. I have the exact same problem. 100%. It's freakin' frustrating, and I feel you. Also, once I'm in a relationship (even with someone I adore), I have huge problems with balancing work and "romance". They always end up feeling neglected and less important, while I expect them to understand. I'm never gonna settle for anything less than amazing, but I think I'll work on being more pragmatic and realistic when it comes to choosing a partner and what they can live up to. A lot of my ideas for a partner are not fair to him. Which sucks.
    Oh god. so it IS my ENTJness? I struggle with EVERY single one of your issues.

    I have however reached an even more unhealthy point: I dont even try anymore.

    I just assume that no one fits my standards and i disqualify them before i even give them a chance. Sometimes I find that I project my standards onto what I guess their desires are, and then I question if I measure up to their standards (which are really just my own projected onto them).



    That, along with the fact i dont want anything to get in the way of me accomplishing the shit i need to, and you get a lonely ENTJ, with few strong friendships and no real romantic relationships. This is starting to scare me though, it shows that this might be a long term problem rather than something i grow out of . My plan now is to just get rich enough that some ISFJ makes it her business to convince. Or ill just buy an ISFJ... --> -->

  10. #10
    Black Magic Buzzard Kra's Avatar
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    This could just be an NTJ (Te-Ni/Ni-Te) thing in general.

    I have found myself either idealizing or criticizing potential mates very frequently, and what you mentioned about holding them to the same standards that you hold yourself to resonates with me as well.
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