A few years ago I drew up a list of names dating back to junior year of high school, when the opposite sex first discovered me: nearly 20 that I judged as unsuitable and turned down or implicitly dissuaded, five or so for whom I fell head over heels but couldn't win.
I prefer achievement to romance.
I'm interested to hear the views of other ENTJ's (and everyone else for that matter) on this.
As an ENTJ, my personal strengths have led to continued success in academia and the professional world. Despite my substantial interest in financial and professional success, I have had one complaint that has obstructed my ability to enjoy my successes. This being the difficulty I have with forming deep and long lasting romantic relationships.
I, at 23 years of age, have had only two real relationships, neither of which continued past 2 months.
The first was on and off for 2 years (more off than on), and involved my HS sweetheart. I was too young to see she wasn't right for me, but luckily she knew I wasn't right for her.
The second occurred over the summer before my senior year of college and I basically lived at this girls place, but was never into her enough to put a label on it.
I realize that much of my inability in the realm of love, is indicative of my (past) status as a social neophyte. However, I have been working on this (harder than many of my posts here would indicate).
However, social awkwardness cannot fully explain (or even mostly explain) my hangups with women.
I believe that the reason I have so much trouble with the opposite sex (and social situations in general) is that I hold, potential romantic partners, (or other social acquaintances for that matter) up to the same standards I hold myself. Thus, it becomes a situation where I either, 1) fall head over heals for the person and want to spend the rest of my life with them instantaneously because they live up to my (admittedly) ridiculous standards, or 2) I only want to have sex with them because I am physically attracted to them but some other issue prevents me from opening up myself to emotional attachment. While this issue is often justified, i.e. she makes me want to jam a #2 pencil into my temple every time she opens her mouth, I feel that I too often nip potential relationships in the bud before I give the other person time to get to know me, or time for me to really get to know them.
In the first of the two instances presented above, my snap judgment and pursuit don't really stand as a social detriment, except for the fact that I've only encountered one girl in my experience on this planet that stirred my soul in such a way as to make me want to commit to her unconditionally, and that in that situation, my undying and immediate affection combined with her having a long term BF I didn't find out about until 3 weeks after I met her led to me scaring her off or pushing her away.
In the latter of the two instances, it often happens that I end the sexual contact the instant I realize that they don't fit into my ideal view of what a SO should be, or I just continue sexual contact in the knowledge that I will never pursue anything more. This second option comes to pass mostly when I immediately know that the girl is crazy and doesn't warrant emotional attachment. The first however, has been occurring more and more often as I have aged.
I have noticed a similar dynamic in the way I formulate friendships. Either they fit into what I think they should be and I become best friends with them, or they don't fit and are either regulated to acquaintance status or are discarded all together.
Basically my main issue is this, how can I best reconcile my desire for a relationship with my inability to accept anyone who doesn't fit into what purpose they should play in my life without compromising my rigid, and often life saving system of ideals?
I know its vain to look at others solely based on what they can do for you, and I hate that I do it, but so far I haven't had too much luck with, or incentive to change my ways.
Any thoughts or perspectives would be welcome! Thanks for listening.
For me what works is not really counting relationships as being part of me, so I didnt take an active part into trying to form it into my ideal relationship, and things tend to work out.
I think things start to take a turn for the worst when I start to care about the relationship.
It's important to develop your F abilities.
Lets say I do, what would be different?
WTF is wrong with ENTJs? What you said is the story of my life. As soon as I care, I fuck it up. I'm a mess!
EDIT: At the moment, I'm where htb stands. I've decided I won't be successful in love. And even if I do get success in love, I know I'm gonna fail sooner or later, cause naturally, I want to be successful in my work life too. And I've never, never, had a relationship or a partner that has accepted my work ethics. So I'm pretty much doomed. Unless I meet another ENTJ with the same high standards as mine and won't mind me working a lot.
That's a stupid plan. I've had 3 ISFJ girlfriends in my life so far (and the one I'm with right now, I've been for 3 years), without having much money. They never complained about that (I'm 23, and still in college, thus not expected to be rich. Maybe that plays a part, but I doubt it). Sure, I'm not poor and I can afford to bring them out for dinner and/or travel, but that's far from being filthy rich.
If you try to attract gold-diggers, you will always live with the doubt about their intentions, which on the long run means absolutely certain divorce.
Just ask her out and it'll work out from that? Easier done than written. I've never seen an ISFJ complaining if you can't go out b/c you have to work. If anything, they find it somehow admirable.
What you wrote resonated with me - I have the threat (negative possibility) of considering life from my own perspective, and others as additions. I still think the best situation to strive for is something where both person's wants are being taken in. It might be that the other doesn't plan and execute as much of external things as the other, but their wills and wants are valuable nevertheless. It might be unreasonable to expect that people of different extraversion would have the same amount stuff to do and talk about. My ideal of ENTJ in this scenario would involve the ENTJ appreciating the other person's life with their goals valuable in their own right. At least, that is my gold standard. A standard I might fall short of, sometimes.Someone who values me as a person in my own right, rather than an addition to their lives when they need companionship. I wonder if some of these considerations are things that can change, or if they are just the flip sides to the wonderful qualities tha ENTJs possess. In my experience, trying to bring up these issues results in complaints of oversensitivity or nitpicking and I hate to make a person feel that way.
thats assuming we ENTJs have agreeable ISFJs to woo. It seems that every ENTJ here except you was not designed for love :steam:. Thats why i had to insert the "buy" and ISFJ line. Its not that im scared to ask a girl out (ok thats only partially true), its that literally I have no other options.
Im also considering an INFJ, INTP, or INFP slave in addition to ISFJ slaves.
BTW, I have 4 ENTJ friends that have an ISFJ girlfriend. To me, this topic seems more an exception to the rule than the reverse.
1. Why would you go out with an ISFJ - try N types it's easier on you....
2. I'm begning to be aware of the Idlyic thinkg..... NF's are pretty idealistic, but NT's are really, really idealistic.