[INTJ] INTJ who can't seem to control Fi

[thescientist]

I'm not even sure if that's what it is. I'm still learning the MBTI.

I've been the most emotionally unhealthy person as of late. Obsessive, panicky, anxious, extremely paranoid, insecure, ANGRY. And yes, it's all due to a little rejection by someone I liked very much. Well, actually, multiple rejections by the same person. I start over-analyzing every single word, action, movement...it's awful.

I feel like a crazy person. I cant seem to control my feelings or stop them from turning into irrational actions of desperation. OMG I hate feeling like this. How do I get a grip on my emotions?? I had a complete nervous/emotional breakdown this morning.

I have a history of chronic depression/high levels of anxiety. I weaned myself off the meds recently, and I dont think that was a good decision. But even before then, I still could not properly control my feelings.

 

[SillySapienne]

Are you a female?

Regardless, feeling heartbroken sucks, no matter what MBTI type you happen to be.

I've been rejected multiple times by one guy, before.

And each time he broke my heart the wound would take longer to heal.

Try to forget about this person, and focus on yourself.

Don't ever suppress or repress your feelings, because when and if you do that, the feelings don't just go and "poof" disappear, but rather stay dormant, brewing, cancerous and insidious, deeply etching away at your soul until you finally have a breakdown and fall the fuck apart.

Feeling your feelings is part of the healing process, imo.

 

[thescientist]

Are you a female?

Yes.

Don't ever suppress or repress your feelings, because when and if you do that, the feelings don't just go and "poof" disappear, but rather stay dormant, brewing, cancerous and insidious, deeply etching away at your soul until you finally have a breakdown and fall the fuck apart.

Feeling your feelings is part of the healing process, imo.

Bolded part = exactly what my feelings are doing. How do you feel the feelings? This is all so abstract for me. I wish there was a friggin step-by-step for this. UGGGGHHH.....

 

[Kalach]

A few years back going through a bad patch after an oh-so-very messy break up with an ENTJ, I wrote it all out as a novel. A bad novel, but a novel. Plus a bunch of made up short stories. The made up short stories were way more fun when I consciously stopped trying to be earnest and truthful and just let wild exaggeration take over. I ended up with a story of incestuous twins who became pop stars.

 

[Qre:us]

I ended up with a story of incestuous twins who became pop stars.

I've seen your autobiography already, dear sir:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdAEA3MrUhk]Kalach's BedTime Story[/youtube]

 

[Lethe]

It took me about 4-5 years to successfully master my Fi, so don't give up hope yet. Kudos for admitting that you have tertiary Fi: this isn't the easiest function to manage in my experience. My journey had countless ups and downs, and the most important thing is to not loose track of your main purpose whenever you become frustrated with the slow-moving process, or dead-ends. Your values could easily stir up quite a commotion, and here, you must absolutely balance them out with Ni and Te. Use Ni to seek out the purpose and Te to select the ideal goal before engaging in Fi. This will cut down on the emotional noise and allow you to focus on what matters most. It's like surfing on the internet: if you don't initially have the end in mind, you could waste valuable time on unnecessary activities.

*PS: Don't try to control your feelings. Manage your feelings. Refrain from being judgmental of them.

And yes, feelings can be an overwhelming hassle. I won't deny that.

*PSS: Declutter your mind by keeping a journal for all these thoughts. Examine them over when you feel less tense. Get a dedicated, mature and non-judgmental friend to help you sort your feelings out (i.e - venting), if possible.

 

[Ginkgo]

I'm not even sure if that's what it is. I'm still learning the MBTI.

I've been the most emotionally unhealthy person as of late. Obsessive, panicky, anxious, extremely paranoid, insecure, ANGRY. And yes, it's all due to a little rejection by someone I liked very much. Well, actually, multiple rejections by the same person. I start over-analyzing every single word, action, movement...it's awful.

I feel like a crazy person. I cant seem to control my feelings or stop them from turning into irrational actions of desperation. OMG I hate feeling like this. How do I get a grip on my emotions?? I had a complete nervous/emotional breakdown this morning.

I have a history of chronic depression/high levels of anxiety. I weaned myself off the meds recently, and I dont think that was a good decision. But even before then, I still could not properly control my feelings.

It is important to remember that even those who are dominantly left-brained have an emotional side.

We are all human, and it is impossible to escape the fact that we have human needs.

Don't ignore your feelings or try to suppress them, lest they make you implode. I'm serious.

Eventually this will work itself out, just hang in there.

 

[tinkerbell]

Ok this may seem simple, but it's difficult to do. You've broken up with someone - which has attacked your sense of self.. the temptation is to pick and pick at what went wrong, what is wrong with you, why this or that happened. Some of that is worthwhile but it leaves you depressed, anxious etc etc....

The key thing post relationship isn't to sped time unpicking the relationship (everyone does it and it can take NT years if there has been a lot of emotions involved). The most important thing for you to do as an NT is to work on mending the damage to your self esteem.

You need to find ways to value you yourself - EVERY day, MULTIPLE times a day. In the begining this may fell weird, odd and uncomfortable, but it is vital for you to mend this very important construct in order for those negative things to be delt with effecively.

I've been toying with starting a Self Esteem "promotion" thread in the Health section, no one it taught how to go about it.

Late in the day reflect on what's happened and find things you think you did well....
You may ahve had a presentation you were dreading which went well
You may have handled an agressive person without making it worse and you did well
You may have remembered to buy milk, bread, etc etc (which you normally forget) - value you did well
You may have remembered to pick up the dry cleaning, repaired shoes or taken the garbage out etc... you did well

Small thing, things you know are difficult for you, they don't have to be difficult absolutely - remebering to pikc things up - is not difficult but I often forget... So you get a browny point for it....

Try and make sure you cna find something/mor than one thing each day to give youself a little lift.

At the end of the week if you think you've don well and identified lots of things you did well - you give yourself a rewards - doens't have to be a big one... could be buying yourself flowers, or giving yourself an hour in a coffee shop to read a paper cover to cover, could be a maniucure... something little you normally wouldn't do but you value...

All sounds simple, but I can tell you the "finding the smalle things you did well at" is really difficult in the begining... it gets easier and as the weeks go by you feel good about yourself, and pick less at that wich has been hurting you.

Forgive yourself for feeling shitty right now though, it's allowed when you are hurt....

Hope this is helpful

 

[SciVo]

Lots of good advice in this thread!

I have a history of chronic depression/high levels of anxiety. I weaned myself off the meds recently, and I dont think that was a good decision. But even before then, I still could not properly control my feelings.

Considering how hard it is to admit the need for a pharmaceutical aid, if even you think it was a bad decision to quit, then you're probably right. I sympathize because my own struggle with anxiety and depression will never end, seeing as they're endogenous. However, chemicals only change the chemistry, and there's more to it by the time the problem is bad enough to need them.

From the perspective of the goal to be happy, all that the pharmaceuticals do is remove the chemical barrier to the cognitive-behavioral work of fixing the bad habits of thought that developed over the years (or decades) as dysfunctional coping mechanisms for the broken chemistry. If you don't have good enough rapport with one therapist to be making progress while on a prescription that alleviates the chemical imbalance, then please believe me that the problem is just a poor fit, so try try again with a different one.

 

[SillySapienne]

Bolded part = exactly what my feelings are doing. How do you feel the feelings? This is all so abstract for me. I wish there was a friggin step-by-step for this. UGGGGHHH.....

Well, I think tinkerbell gave some pretty good advice, but, I dunno.

The only way out is through!

For a full year, I was in the muck, over some guy, because my heart was intensely broken.

I receded into myself, lost most contact with the outside world, and virtually became a nebulous ball of thoughts and feelings.

I was a mess.

I felt immensely shitty.

I lost touch with reality.

But...

At the very least I had the proverbially balls to go through my pain, process it.

And, guess what?

One day, I just woke up from the numbing slumber.

Not so ironically I reemerged in spring, and life had its vibrancy again.

I guess my point is this:

Life is not always fun, nor is it always fair.

Love can cause what seems like insurmountable, nerve-jolting, tremendous, soul shaking pain.

But...

In the long run, it is still worth it.

And from each process one goes through, one learns, and when we learn from our experiences, the next time around, that experience doesn't seem so bad, or it might, but at least we'll have the tools to know how to fix it more efficiently and effectively.

Sorry, I hope I am making sense.

 

[Provoker]

In my diagnosis you seem to have given way to human emotion rather than following the dictates of reason. Emotions are not an entirely unknown quantity. They indicate what they will be tomorrow by what they are today. It is, therefore, likely that until you resolve this matter through rigorous intellectual thought, this overall feeling, as it were, will persist. In order to resolve this feeling, therefore, requires objectification and intellectualization of the feeling. As such, you will need to translate the feeling into words in a way that is accessible to contemplation and careful analysis. On the other hand, in the concrete world it is often the case that a base emotion doesn't just go away but only goes away when it is superceded by another base emotion. As a result, you can use your conscious will to direct yourself to pursue activities that have historically shown a strong correlation between the experience and the feeling. Thus, the first question you must ask is how would you like to feel? The common answer would be happy. Then what, therefore, has historically provided you with happiness and peace of mind? Personally, I know that one of the calmest environments known to me is sitting by a blazing fire contemplating. This creates a dynamic for deep introspection and reflection and I can therefore think through feelings that had hitherto been locked up. Further, I know that if I sense I am in a slump, going and playing hockey or drinking something with caffein in it will help perk me up. Thus, you are your own psychologist and you, therefore, will need to establish an accounting of your history with a catelogue of emotions and the environments that correletated with those emotions. Then your duty is clearly defined. If you want to feel X, subject yourself to an environment that has historically allowed you to feel X. Now, it could be the case that you're not as formulaic as most, and that getting you to feel a certain way is not as simple as Y=mx+b. Such is the irrational nature of emotion. Nonetheless, as an INTJ the two approaches above have historically been an effective way for me to deal with these sorts of things.

 

[Edgar]

I'm not even sure if that's what it is. I'm still learning the MBTI.

I've been the most emotionally unhealthy person as of late. Obsessive, panicky, anxious, extremely paranoid, insecure, ANGRY. And yes, it's all due to a little rejection by someone I liked very much. Well, actually, multiple rejections by the same person. I start over-analyzing every single word, action, movement...it's awful.

INTJs don't like the idea of failure, so if an approach doesn't work, they keep adjusting it and re-trying until it does. As great as it may be at getting a lot of things done, it can also lead to a problem of not knowing when to cut one's losses.

The thing about relationships - it takes two to tango. So if the other person isn't reciprocating, you are missing a vital portion of the equation... a portion you have no control over.

The sooner as you realize that, the sooner you will be able to move on and put your mind at ease.

 

[thescientist]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I read everyone's feedback and every bit is motivating me to get better.

INTJs don't like the idea of failure, so if an approach doesn't work, they keep adjusting it and re-trying until it does. As great as it may be at getting a lot of things done, it can also lead to a problem of not knowing when to cut one's losses.

The thing about relationships - it takes two to tango. So if the other person isn't reciprocating, you are missing a vital portion of the equation... a portion you have no control over.

The sooner as you realize that, the sooner you will be able to move on and put your mind at ease.

That makes complete sense to me as an INTJ. Especially because I HAVE been feeling like a failure. But you're right. It's out of my control.

He's gone for a month. I'm taking this time to refocus on myself and regain my confidence and just forgive myself for the stupid mistakes I've made. Forgiving myself will be very difficult, because I feel like there are many things I could have handled differently. Alas, you live you learn.

It took me about 4-5 years to successfully master my Fi, so don't give up hope yet. Kudos for admitting that you have tertiary Fi: this isn't the easiest function to manage in my experience. My journey had countless ups and downs, and the most important thing is to not loose track of your main purpose whenever you become frustrated with the slow-moving process, or dead-ends. Your values could easily stir up quite a commotion, and here, you must absolutely balance them out with Ni and Te. Use Ni to seek out the purpose and Te to select the ideal goal before engaging in Fi. This will cut down on the emotional noise and allow you to focus on what matters most. It's like surfing on the internet: if you don't initially have the end in mind, you could waste valuable time on unnecessary activities.

*PS: Don't try to control your feelings. Manage your feelings. Refrain from being judgmental of them.

Thanks for the tips above. That's a good breakdown for me. Purpose is important...

 

[Kalach]

He's gone for a month. I'm taking this time to refocus on myself and regain my confidence and just forgive myself for the stupid mistakes I've made. Forgiving myself will be very difficult, because I feel like there are many things I could have handled differently. Alas, you live you learn.

Another nuance to that is, you've discovered that you have needs and wants. These are legitimate and will persist and they'll be there with all the people you meet in the future. Right now they're hyper-focused on this one guy, and that's not working out well for you, but they're real and they come from somewhere that is you.

 

[lorkan]

I think there are very good posts here. "Mastering your Fi" is what my ISTJ-brother would need to do much. He, even to this date still tries untirely to find connection to both me and my mother. I've tried to make him feel secured and everything but he just have this way of making my thoughts disorganized, wich makes me pissed of and feel betrayed and I give up on pleasing him. I kinda feel he rejects my Fe, because whenever I use Fe he is getting bone hard critical and whenever I ask a series question (Ni) he starts bullshitting (Si). It feels like he wants something from me yet he doesn't give anything himself. Although I think our sensitive sides doesn't see eachother eye to eye. He is 25 and I am 21 and lately I have been more and more focused on questionize his way of being because it has pissed me of so much over the years and I am tired of being a doormat to his shortcomings. Yet he keeps wanting to hang out with me quiet often, wich makes me think how deeply misguided Fi can be and I mean DEEPLY.

 

[lorkan]

I think Edgar is on to something!

 

[Katsuni]

I'm not even sure if that's what it is. I'm still learning the MBTI.

I've been the most emotionally unhealthy person as of late. Obsessive, panicky, anxious, extremely paranoid, insecure, ANGRY. And yes, it's all due to a little rejection by someone I liked very much. Well, actually, multiple rejections by the same person. I start over-analyzing every single word, action, movement...it's awful.

I feel like a crazy person. I cant seem to control my feelings or stop them from turning into irrational actions of desperation. OMG I hate feeling like this. How do I get a grip on my emotions?? I had a complete nervous/emotional breakdown this morning.

I have a history of chronic depression/high levels of anxiety. I weaned myself off the meds recently, and I dont think that was a good decision. But even before then, I still could not properly control my feelings.

I've had this happen before as well. It's not really strange though; if someone jabs yeu with a knife to yeur heart, then twists it, and gives a few more stabs for good measure, something's very, very, very wrong if yeu aren't affected by it in this way.

The more yeu value someone's opinion, the more weight it holds. If it's someone close, that yeu've opened up to, (for those of us who do this slowly this's even more weight by far) it can be disasterous.

The last time I had someone do this to me, I was out of it for about half a year like that. If I got laid off from a job, it usually sets me down the same path to the point that I can't even apply for a new job until I'm emotionally secure again.

It sucks... but whot can yeu do? If yeu find the answer, let me know, as I could use it myself.

 

[Kalach]

Kat, scanning as I do for gist, going fast through written words coz Ni lets me, yeu might as well write a wall of "yeu".

Yew, yu, yoo -- these wouldn't trip any alarms-- but "yeu"?

Wii?! Tell me wii!

 

[Uytuun]

you, rouge, you

 

[thescientist]

The more yeu value someone's opinion, the more weight it holds. If it's someone close, that yeu've opened up to, (for those of us who do this slowly this's even more weight by far) it can be disasterous.

This is an interesting point. I think his opinion of me holds a lot of weight. Not only because we work in the same field, but because he's a highly desirable and good-looking male.

I think I was shocked by the fact that he was interested in me to begin with at all. So losing that was like a huge blow to my self-esteem and I felt like an insecure fool.