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Thread: ESTJ + ENTP?

  1. #11
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    Oct 2007


    Quote Originally Posted by Maverick View Post
    The best way to increase the chances that she participates in activities with you is by presenting her what you want to do, explaining why it is important to you and letting her freely make a decision without her feeling pressured.

    For example, supposing you are invited to A's place. You might present the situation in the following manner: "We're invited to A's place. I would like to go there. I would enjoy it if you came with me as I like being with you at parties. However, I have no problem with you staying at home if that is what you wish. I would not be offended if you do. So, what would you like to do?".

    If you have to talk about the issue, do not cause an argument. Simply state things in the following way: "I understand that you don't like participating in these activities. However, I must also tell you that I feel it's a pity because I would like to share my enjoyment of them with you. At the same time, I want to respect your preferences". Importantly, you must never get angry at her for not coming. This may seem counter-intuitive and feel weak in the short-term but it yields higher rewards in the long term. What you have to achieve is to make her empathize with your position instead of feeling obliged to participate. The reason for this is that, if she feels the latter, she will react in a knee jerk manner to re-assert her independence and show she cannot be controlled. This will subsequently make her more resistant to future demands as she will have associated this specific behavioral response to your specific demand. She must feel as though there will be no negative consequences on your behalf if she doesn't. This will not only make her feel loved but it will also maximize the chances of her coming.
    This is very good advice. Thank you.

  2. #12
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    Apr 2007


    Quote Originally Posted by hotmale View Post
    This is very good advice. Thank you.
    You're welcome.

  3. #13
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    Oct 2007


    Quote Originally Posted by hotmale View Post
    I think it's more that I would like her to spend more time with me- than wanting her to change her personality- which I happen to be very fond of. Since she is very much interested in abstract pursuits, what would be a good strategy for her to accompany me to events which she absolutely hates? I like to go out to a good party- whereas she would rather stay home and read a book. I don't mind she has these interests- it's just sometimes, I would like her to make more of an effort as opposed to me always making the suggestions.
    I'm ENTP that goes through phases of intense self-imposed isolation when I avoid social situations; these are characterised by vast quantities of reading - either of fantastical fiction, or factual books on politics, economics or history. At these times I have a low desire for social interaction.

    Eventually I will choose, or be coerced to be social - go out for a drink, to a party etc... When this happens, I can "switch" very quickly into a talkative, affable, wise-cracking type that wants to drink tequila slammers and hit the dancefloor... Do not expect her to want to go to a party in the middle of nowhere with no opportunity for "escape" or something more exciting around the corner - whilst I like that kind of thing in certain circumstances, I am generally happier "out on the town" where I can visit lots of different bars on a whim - another idea would be to present a night out as an "open ended" venture... "lets go to xxx and then see where it takes us" sounds a lot more enticing than "we will do x at y time, then go to abc, etc..."

    The way you approach the suggestion is pretty key too - personally, I don't like to commit to doing something until I'm sure that a) I will be in the mood for it, and b) There is definitely not something better about to happen; my partner has much more sucess enticing me into things when catching me in an upbeat mood and suggesting them the day before, or even at a couple of hours notice.

    Personal freedom is massively important to me: being "allowed" this without resentment is key. Therefore, I am not very good with arrangements or suggestions that generate too much obligation to go to please somebody else - "come because it will be great!" is much more of an enticement than "come because I want you to".

    Be careful not to mis-interpret if she is forgetful about those calls or texts like "I'm with x and I will be home in 3 hours" - if I want to know where my partner is or what she is up to, I phone her - I don't expect her to "check in" and I often forget to "check in" with her - more regimented types can easily interpret this as symptomatic of an inconsiderate/uncaring attitude, when it is just how I am.

    With the abstract nature of an ENTP, there will probably be minor things she is hopelessly disorganised at or bad at tackling even though they are easy and not especially time consuming. I don't mind shopping, love to cook, happily decorate, repair cars, do not enjoy but am pretty good at making financial arrangements BUT I am absolutely terrible at motivating myself to do regular repeatable tasks with no possibilities for a new experience, challenge or an interesting result - tidying anything up or putting it away in it's "rightful" place is akin to torture. When my girlfriend does this for me, I am deeply grateful - she is wise enough not to be a push-over or let me take her for granted though!

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