[INTP] Any INTP's around here make a marriage work with a ESFJ

[Chris1973]

Hello all,

I'm a message board veteran but new to discussions about personality types. Why am I analyzing this? Well, because I'm confronted with marriage problems after 8 years of marriage, and as I've discovered my wife is a ESFJ. We love each other but we truly don't understand each other a lot and we don't communicate well.

I realize that this is not surprising given what I've been reading that this is not only the least compatible combination for both personality types, but also perhaps the least compatible combination possible overall given the already tough assignment of being married to INTP's!

I was wondering whether there were any INTP's here who were married or in long term relationships with ESFJ's, especially male INTP's with female ESFJ's. If so, what are the things you do to overcome these difficulties in understanding and communication.

Thanks in advance for your help on this.

 

[tinkerbell]

Hey Chris

I'm not in this situation, you have picked an opposite on every level, which means you both have a lot of compromises/understanding to create harmony.

I know I struggle with J types at times, but I also know that P types would just mean that nothing practicle ever gets done. I need to let J types help me stay organised and help me plan - they are better at it than I am. I hate the controlling-ness but I do get that I need more of it than I give myself... It's finding a point between understanding what we want and need are different.

Sorry this may be pointing out the obvious, but all relationships are difficult, if you were with an INTP they would drive you nuts but different nuts (they would just be the same as you and be dull/double your bad habits and not bringing in good habits).

Good luck and I hope things pick up for you, having relationship issues can be very draining.

Lis xx

 

[Salomé]

Basically, you are fucked.

 

[Totenkindly]

Talk to 'Guffy, I think he can help you.

I bailed on an ESFJ (first love), and then made a difficult long-term one work with an ISFJ, although we're currently separated. We're actually still really in love, our unique situation has just made staying together very difficult for us.

I echo TB though, all relationships have their own poison. I do not want to downplay the ease that SOME pairing can create in relating to each other; but you still have to work through issues of boredom, differing life goals, variety, and whatever else. I think the older one gets and the more well-rounded you become, the less important the difference in type and the more important the commitment.

Basically, you are fucked.

Hopefully over and over again.
(With lots of moaning and writhing.)

 

[Salomé]

Guff remarried?

 

[Saslou]

My soon to be ex-husband was an INTJ but recently changed his status on here to IxTP. Whatever.

Communication problems, yep
Both burying our heads in the sand, Yep

I will say though, it was the most rewarding relationship (in hindsight) i have ever been in (even though it was full of problems) as i learnt so much about myself and my weaknesses.

Being total opposites, my strengths were his weakness and vise versa. Its finding a way to compliment everything so it works to both your advantages which is the hard part.

I hope you are able to sort out your problems and get things back on track.

 

[Chris1973]

Hey Chris

I'm not in this situation, you have picked an opposite on every level, which means you both have a lot of compromises/understanding to create harmony.

I know I struggle with J types at times, but I also know that P types would just mean that nothing practicle ever gets done. I need to let J types help me stay organised and help me plan - they are better at it than I am. I hate the controlling-ness but I do get that I need more of it than I give myself... It's finding a point between understanding what we want and need are different.

Sorry this may be pointing out the obvious, but all relationships are difficult, if you were with an INTP they would drive you nuts but different nuts (they would just be the same as you and be dull/double your bad habits and not bringing in good habits).

Good luck and I hope things pick up for you, having relationship issues can be very draining.

Lis xx

We've definitely tried to compliment each other, but in truth I'm far more of a burden to her than she is to me. She very much runs the household, and she should because you definitely don't want me paying the bills or balancing the checkbook!

She really can't comprehend what makes me tick, however, which is difficult. We're two smart, educated people who would seem to have every resource you could ask for at our disposal, so I hope that we can come up with collaborative ways to bridge the differences between us.

 

[Matthew_Z]

From a socionics perspective,(insert disclaimer about comparing Socionics to MBTI here) INTP-ESFJ can be one of the "best" relationships possible because they share the same first four functions, but in reverse order. (providing a sense of balance, AKA dualization, assuming both partners can understand and tolerate each other) Generally, assuming both partners notice each other (not common, provided general inclinations towards separate interests) and know how to communicate, the relationship should work out phenomenally from a functions perspective.

-insert long speech about all individuals being different (and thus attracted to different types) and that factors other than personality matrices are highly relevant, and, ergo, these factors should also be looked into-

 

[Costrin]

From a socionics perspective,(insert disclaimer about comparing Socionics to MBTI here) INTP-ESFJ can be one of the "best" relationships possible because they share the same first four functions, but in reverse order. (providing a sense of balance, AKA dualization, assuming both partners can understand and tolerate each other) Generally, assuming both partners notice each other (not common, provided general inclinations towards separate interests) and know how to communicate, the relationship should work out phenomenally from a functions perspective.

-insert long speech about all individuals being different (and thus attracted to different types) and that factors other than personality matrices are highly relevant, and, ergo, these factors should also be looked into-

Assuming LII and ESE, but I know ESFJs that are SEE instead... meaning that would be supposedly the worst relationship...

 

[Matthew_Z]

Assuming LII and ESE, but I know ESFJs that are SEE instead... meaning that would be supposedly the worst relationship...

I said from a socionics perspective, but I applied it to MBTI. Socionics bases relationships on functions and how functions interact between people. Using the socionics method, the ESFJ and INTP functions can, presumably, work well together.

 

[Valuable_Money]

My soon to be ex-husband was an INTJ but recently changed his status on here to IxTP. Whatever.

Wait a second hes on the forum aswell? DO I SMELL DRAMA!?

 

[tinkerbell]

...................She very much runs the household, and she should because you definitely don't want me paying the bills or balancing the checkbook!

She really can't comprehend what makes me tick, however, which is difficult.

Hey Chris

To be honest, most women run the household according to statistics - it's bizarly high like 90% - cook clean do the house hold moneys etc.... Scary stuff, one wonders about divorce rates. This different is part gender part P-type.

I would think the barriers to being understoon is your male I - men can be less than forthcoming with information at the best of times, but also being an introvert you are unlikely to want to give infomration away without a lot of thought.

I personally would say the biggest gap is the N S - you live in an imaginative/future orientated world, she lives in the here and now, micro detail.

Differences aside you are learning from this relationship and you are learning about MBTI in order to help. This is a good thing. It's difficult I can see.

Good luck

Lis

 

[wildcat]

Hello all,

I'm a message board veteran but new to discussions about personality types. Why am I analyzing this? Well, because I'm confronted with marriage problems after 8 years of marriage, and as I've discovered my wife is a ESFJ. We love each other but we truly don't understand each other a lot and we don't communicate well.

I realize that this is not surprising given what I've been reading that this is not only the least compatible combination for both personality types, but also perhaps the least compatible combination possible overall given the already tough assignment of being married to INTP's!

I was wondering whether there were any INTP's here who were married or in long term relationships with ESFJ's, especially male INTP's with female ESFJ's. If so, what are the things you do to overcome these difficulties in understanding and communication.

Thanks in advance for your help on this.

The MBTI test excludes the X.
Go figure.

It is therefore we have these kind of posts.
All the time.

The theory is not wrong.
It is the application of the theory that is wrong.

There are two neighbouring islands in the Pacific.
People of the same culture and the same tribe.
They had invented the calendar before the colonists came.
They had a common time.

One day the colonists came.
The colonists divided the time in the isles.
Today, the island A has wednesday while the island B has tuesday.
Their new time does not have anything to do with time?

Not their time.
Is there a common time then?
No.

The calendar is not Xwise.
Nor is the MBTI application.

Derivation is ahead of differentiation.
Quality does not adjust to quantity.
It adjusts to itself.

 

[Saslou]

Wait a second hes on the forum aswell? DO I SMELL DRAMA!?

The drama has already been done and it wasn't much fun. He has now moved on as he knows how much i enjoy being on here.
Apparantly though, he can not delete his account.

 

[pippi]

You might find this thread helpful, once you ignore the useless posts from the banned members.

 

[Gewitter27]

The idea of being married to an ESFJ is not only unappealing to me, but I despise the idea. I'd probably go crazy and kill myself by cutting on my finger, writing her name on the wall with the blood, then blowing my brains out with a gun.

Either that or I'd be committed for the rest of my life as a danger to myself and others, and/or being unable to distinguish reality from illusion.

 

[Saslou]

The idea of being married to an ESFJ is not only unappealing to me, but I despise the idea. I'd probably go crazy and kill myself by cutting on my finger, writing her name on the wall with the blood, then blowing my brains out with a gun.

Either that or I'd be committed for the rest of my life as a danger to myself and others, and/or being unable to distinguish reality from illusion.

*passes the gun*

I don't mean to be rude, but that sounds rather immature.

Yes as stated there are communication problems. However, that is down to 2 people to fix/find a solution, not just 1.

I think you are taking this whole typing malarkey far to serious.

I have always thought you go into relationships to grow individually but also as a couple. Yes there are peaks and valleys and if you are not happy then you should leave. No point 2 people being unhappy (fooking hark me).
Should i ever date an INTx again, i won't run away just because it fucked from day one. Even from relationships where we have different perspectives, good can still come out of it.
Ever the optimist.

 

[blanclait]

It's possible, I really like some ISFJ girls, though I dislike most of them.

I can't say much since i'm not INTP.

 

[avolkiteshvara]

Your situation is mine.

I've found that mine was able to accept my quirkiness without necessarily understanding it. But yeah at first, many conflicts without any clue why. Some stuff we just have to agree that we can't involve each other.

 

[thisGuy]

i would think that she would want to be more involved with your life...let her, and then youll have to do the same, get involved in hers. listen to the questions she asks you and then ask her those back. and talk to her about stuff you think is unimportant, pretty sure you'll be able to figure out what IS and what ISNT important to her.

of course everything above works both ways

opposites make an amazing team when dealing with outside factors like the world and kids...imagine your kids, they will be very well rounded personalities since you can be the one explaining about life on mars while she can handle growing up and social issues. recognize your individual strengths and use them as one. her strengths can be your strengths and yours can be hers

yes, itll take work but i would think its worth it