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  1. #1
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    Question Any INTP's around here make a marriage work with a ESFJ

    Hello all,

    I'm a message board veteran but new to discussions about personality types. Why am I analyzing this? Well, because I'm confronted with marriage problems after 8 years of marriage, and as I've discovered my wife is a ESFJ. We love each other but we truly don't understand each other a lot and we don't communicate well.

    I realize that this is not surprising given what I've been reading that this is not only the least compatible combination for both personality types, but also perhaps the least compatible combination possible overall given the already tough assignment of being married to INTP's!

    I was wondering whether there were any INTP's here who were married or in long term relationships with ESFJ's, especially male INTP's with female ESFJ's. If so, what are the things you do to overcome these difficulties in understanding and communication.

    Thanks in advance for your help on this.

  2. #2
    Senior Member tinkerbell's Avatar
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    Hey Chris

    I'm not in this situation, you have picked an opposite on every level, which means you both have a lot of compromises/understanding to create harmony.

    I know I struggle with J types at times, but I also know that P types would just mean that nothing practicle ever gets done. I need to let J types help me stay organised and help me plan - they are better at it than I am. I hate the controlling-ness but I do get that I need more of it than I give myself... It's finding a point between understanding what we want and need are different.

    Sorry this may be pointing out the obvious, but all relationships are difficult, if you were with an INTP they would drive you nuts but different nuts (they would just be the same as you and be dull/double your bad habits and not bringing in good habits).

    Good luck and I hope things pick up for you, having relationship issues can be very draining.

    Lis xx

  3. #3
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Basically, you are fucked.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  4. #4
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Talk to 'Guffy, I think he can help you.

    I bailed on an ESFJ (first love), and then made a difficult long-term one work with an ISFJ, although we're currently separated. We're actually still really in love, our unique situation has just made staying together very difficult for us.

    I echo TB though, all relationships have their own poison. I do not want to downplay the ease that SOME pairing can create in relating to each other; but you still have to work through issues of boredom, differing life goals, variety, and whatever else. I think the older one gets and the more well-rounded you become, the less important the difference in type and the more important the commitment.

    Quote Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
    Basically, you are fucked.
    Hopefully over and over again.
    (With lots of moaning and writhing.)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  5. #5
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Guff remarried?
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    My soon to be ex-husband was an INTJ but recently changed his status on here to IxTP. Whatever.

    Communication problems, yep
    Both burying our heads in the sand, Yep

    I will say though, it was the most rewarding relationship (in hindsight) i have ever been in (even though it was full of problems) as i learnt so much about myself and my weaknesses.

    Being total opposites, my strengths were his weakness and vise versa. Its finding a way to compliment everything so it works to both your advantages which is the hard part.

    I hope you are able to sort out your problems and get things back on track.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinkerbell View Post
    Hey Chris

    I'm not in this situation, you have picked an opposite on every level, which means you both have a lot of compromises/understanding to create harmony.

    I know I struggle with J types at times, but I also know that P types would just mean that nothing practicle ever gets done. I need to let J types help me stay organised and help me plan - they are better at it than I am. I hate the controlling-ness but I do get that I need more of it than I give myself... It's finding a point between understanding what we want and need are different.

    Sorry this may be pointing out the obvious, but all relationships are difficult, if you were with an INTP they would drive you nuts but different nuts (they would just be the same as you and be dull/double your bad habits and not bringing in good habits).

    Good luck and I hope things pick up for you, having relationship issues can be very draining.

    Lis xx
    We've definitely tried to compliment each other, but in truth I'm far more of a burden to her than she is to me. She very much runs the household, and she should because you definitely don't want me paying the bills or balancing the checkbook!

    She really can't comprehend what makes me tick, however, which is difficult. We're two smart, educated people who would seem to have every resource you could ask for at our disposal, so I hope that we can come up with collaborative ways to bridge the differences between us.

  8. #8
    That chalkboard guy Matthew_Z's Avatar
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    From a socionics perspective,(insert disclaimer about comparing Socionics to MBTI here) INTP-ESFJ can be one of the "best" relationships possible because they share the same first four functions, but in reverse order. (providing a sense of balance, AKA dualization, assuming both partners can understand and tolerate each other) Generally, assuming both partners notice each other (not common, provided general inclinations towards separate interests) and know how to communicate, the relationship should work out phenomenally from a functions perspective.

    -insert long speech about all individuals being different (and thus attracted to different types) and that factors other than personality matrices are highly relevant, and, ergo, these factors should also be looked into-
    If a deaf INFP falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

  9. #9
    rawr Costrin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matthew_Z View Post
    From a socionics perspective,(insert disclaimer about comparing Socionics to MBTI here) INTP-ESFJ can be one of the "best" relationships possible because they share the same first four functions, but in reverse order. (providing a sense of balance, AKA dualization, assuming both partners can understand and tolerate each other) Generally, assuming both partners notice each other (not common, provided general inclinations towards separate interests) and know how to communicate, the relationship should work out phenomenally from a functions perspective.

    -insert long speech about all individuals being different (and thus attracted to different types) and that factors other than personality matrices are highly relevant, and, ergo, these factors should also be looked into-
    Assuming LII and ESE, but I know ESFJs that are SEE instead... meaning that would be supposedly the worst relationship...
    "All humour has a foundation of truth."
    - Costrin

  10. #10
    That chalkboard guy Matthew_Z's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Costrin View Post
    Assuming LII and ESE, but I know ESFJs that are SEE instead... meaning that would be supposedly the worst relationship...
    I said from a socionics perspective, but I applied it to MBTI. Socionics bases relationships on functions and how functions interact between people. Using the socionics method, the ESFJ and INTP functions can, presumably, work well together.
    If a deaf INFP falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

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