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[INTP] Any INTP's around here make a marriage work with a ESFJ

Heart&Brain

New member
Joined
Mar 29, 2009
Messages
217
MBTI Type
ENFP
You love each other. Maybe you should start there? Make it explicit what about the unique personality of the other you love and what strenghts in the unique relationship you've built together you appreciate.

Then use MBTI as a mere tool (not directive or predictive 'Truth') serving this love and this common project. It can provide a nuanced and tolerant descriptive common language. And it can propose perspectives to help mutual understanding, communication and win-win ways of working through conflicts towards constructive and respectful solutions. And learning from other's experiences like you've asked for here can be an inspiration too.

Love first, regardless of type theories and statistics about mate-matches. Then MBTI as a valuable supportive tool for the actual love you've both created, I'd say.

Best wishes!
 

Saslou

New member
Joined
Feb 1, 2009
Messages
4,910
MBTI Type
ESFJ
^^^ Totally agree about using this as a tool.

ESFJ's like to know how people tick. It is hard to know how INTP's tick as you keep everything close to your chest, which is totally understandable.
Has your wife ever said that she is not a mind reader? ;) amongst other things.

Let her read up on your type and hers, i am almost positive it will benefit you both.

I wish i knew about this MBTI sooner then possibly things could of worked out different or maybe not.
 

Little_Sticks

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Joined
Aug 19, 2009
Messages
1,358
This sounds like a hard marriage to make work. It's do-able, but not very likely to succeed.

Here's something to think about, taken from socionics.com:

INTP-ESFJ - Conflicting Relations
These are relations of constantly developing conflict. Conflicting relations have the worst compatibility between partners among all other relations. However, it does not seem to be so obvious, especially in the earlier stages of development. Conflicting partners appear rather attractive, interesting and with impressive abilities.

Both partners are usually convinced that they can coexist and collaborate quite peacefully, but soon it becomes apparent that something is always going wrong, making their relationship problematic. Both partners may mistakenly think that the cause of these problems is minor and easily fixed and that all they need to do is to show a little bit more effort in understanding their partner.

Unfortunately, these attempts to continue pushing their relationship any further will soon provoke an open conflict between the partners. When conflict starts, partners hit each other with arguments exactly in the direction where they can cause maximum pain. In return, the other partner may counterattack even more aggressively. With every conflict these relations become worse and worse.

Although Conflicting partners show confidence where their partner is unconfident, they are unable to protect and take care of each other's weak points. This regularly brings disagreement and disappointment into these relations. When after several fruitless attempts to establish a stable relationship the partners give up and break the relationship, they feel saved and released.
 

Valuable_Money

New member
Joined
Jun 19, 2009
Messages
679
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
5w6
This sounds like a hard marriage to make work. It's do-able, but not very likely to succeed.

Here's something to think about, taken from socionics.com:

INTP-ESFJ - Conflicting Relations
These are relations of constantly developing conflict. Conflicting relations have the worst compatibility between partners among all other relations. However, it does not seem to be so obvious, especially in the earlier stages of development. Conflicting partners appear rather attractive, interesting and with impressive abilities.

Both partners are usually convinced that they can coexist and collaborate quite peacefully, but soon it becomes apparent that something is always going wrong, making their relationship problematic. Both partners may mistakenly think that the cause of these problems is minor and easily fixed and that all they need to do is to show a little bit more effort in understanding their partner.

Unfortunately, these attempts to continue pushing their relationship any further will soon provoke an open conflict between the partners. When conflict starts, partners hit each other with arguments exactly in the direction where they can cause maximum pain. In return, the other partner may counterattack even more aggressively. With every conflict these relations become worse and worse.

Although Conflicting partners show confidence where their partner is unconfident, they are unable to protect and take care of each other's weak points. This regularly brings disagreement and disappointment into these relations. When after several fruitless attempts to establish a stable relationship the partners give up and break the relationship, they feel saved and released.


since its socionics isnt it really INTJ x ESFJ?
 

SubjectA

New member
Joined
Jul 17, 2009
Messages
164
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
1
This sounds like a hard marriage to make work. It's do-able, but not very likely to succeed.

Here's something to think about, taken from socionics.com:

INTP-ESFJ - Conflicting Relations
These are relations of constantly developing conflict. Conflicting relations have the worst compatibility between partners among all other relations. However, it does not seem to be so obvious, especially in the earlier stages of development. Conflicting partners appear rather attractive, interesting and with impressive abilities.

Both partners are usually convinced that they can coexist and collaborate quite peacefully, but soon it becomes apparent that something is always going wrong, making their relationship problematic. Both partners may mistakenly think that the cause of these problems is minor and easily fixed and that all they need to do is to show a little bit more effort in understanding their partner.

Unfortunately, these attempts to continue pushing their relationship any further will soon provoke an open conflict between the partners. When conflict starts, partners hit each other with arguments exactly in the direction where they can cause maximum pain. In return, the other partner may counterattack even more aggressively. With every conflict these relations become worse and worse.

Although Conflicting partners show confidence where their partner is unconfident, they are unable to protect and take care of each other's weak points. This regularly brings disagreement and disappointment into these relations. When after several fruitless attempts to establish a stable relationship the partners give up and break the relationship, they feel saved and released.

The thing about that is that it makes a lot of assumptions. Any two mature types can get along just fine, even if they're opposites. Nobody's doomed here. An advantage that the OP already has is that he's looking into MBTI and (hopefully) using it as a tool to try to bridge the communication gap. Running away because someone is the opposite type as you is...lame.


OP: Hate to break it to you dude, but marriage problems after 8 years is extremely common, if not inevitable. Even if she was the most compatible type you still would've had problems. Hey, that's life. This is a point where a lot of couples get divorced. Usually they have kids by now, which doesn't help. I read somewhere on here that you don't? Good. That allows the both of you to devote more time and energy on yourselves and each other when it comes to making this relationship work.

So what is her view on all this? What does she think is wrong? Is she resentful because she does most of the housework?

What do you mean by she doesn't understand what makes you tick? Have you thought about telling her what makes you tick?

Also, what kind of problems are you having? You weren't very specific.
 

Little_Sticks

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Joined
Aug 19, 2009
Messages
1,358
since its socionics isnt it really INTJ x ESFJ?

That's a good question. TBH, I'm not really sure. I've been told INTP = INTp for the most part and didn't find it too much different from MBTI to want to study it. So I just kind of took INTP = INTp.
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
50,192
MBTI Type
BELF
Enneagram
594
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
OP: Hate to break it to you dude, but marriage problems after 8 years is extremely common, if not inevitable.

There's a reason the term "7 year itch" exists.

I think it's usually something like 2 years, then 7 years, then 18-20 years (i.e., initial discomfort, "oh gee, what was I thinking???";, then trying to make it work but tiring and then usually spending a few years dealing with kid issues, either having them or sending them to school; then usually when the kids leave home and both parents have to deal with each other again with no distractions). Then some more after that, but I'm not old enough to have experienced 'em yet. :)
 

Eric B

ⒺⓉⒷ
Joined
Mar 29, 2008
Messages
3,621
MBTI Type
INTP
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548
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Well, you come to tune them out a lot of the time. But then you will hear about that.
Otherwise, they are sweeties, and at the same time, they have the Ne and Ti, and can be mind-mates with it at times.
 

INTJ123

HAHHAHHAH!
Joined
Jun 20, 2009
Messages
777
MBTI Type
ESFP
I had a GF that was an SJ, I think she was ESTJ though. I only needed to date an SJ once to know that we are not compatible. That's all I have to say and I stick to it, I probably won't ever date an SJ again.
 

Saslou

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Feb 1, 2009
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4,910
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ESFJ
I found this read fairly accurate when my ex (sj )and I were going through a divorce.

(SJ)Legalist & (NT)Analyst

Although an interesting read .. It was slightly stereotypical. A behave like this and B behaves like that. There are more variables that have to be taken into account.

What made me lol was - The LEGALIST tends to purchase household goods as investments: good furniture, good appliances. One buys a ``good'' car. One pays attention to resale value, whether or not the piece ever will be sold (``You just can't tell about these things!'' the LEGALIST reminds). One takes care of one's property.

Yes, OK then. Lol. I am not materialistic in the slightest. Does it serve its purpose, then great, it will do.

It's all crazy at the end of the day.
 

Frank

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Mar 13, 2008
Messages
689
Although an interesting read .. It was slightly stereotypical. A behave like this and B behaves like that. There are more variables that have to be taken into account.

What made me lol was - The LEGALIST tends to purchase household goods as investments: good furniture, good appliances. One buys a ``good'' car. One pays attention to resale value, whether or not the piece ever will be sold (``You just can't tell about these things!'' the LEGALIST reminds). One takes care of one's property.

Yes, OK then. Lol. I am not materialistic in the slightest. Does it serve its purpose, then great, it will do.

It's all crazy at the end of the day.

It actually fit my ex- almost to a T. Also the predictable problems that will arise were quite accurate with us. I guess your case shows how much variation there actually is even between people of the supposed same type.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
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Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
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4w3
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sx/so
Seeing as an ESFJ can range from Quentin Tarantino to Will Ferrell, there's LOT of wiggle room in type.
 

Blank

.
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Mar 10, 2009
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INTP
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5w6
I think I'd still be turned off by female counterparts to Will Ferrell and Quentin Tarantino.
 

Edgar

Nerd King Usurper
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Oct 25, 2008
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4,266
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INTJ
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sx
Seeing as an ESFJ can range from Quentin Tarantino to Will Ferrell, there's LOT of wiggle room in type.

lol, neither of those guys are SJs.

Quentin Tarantino is ENTP, and Will Ferrell is ESTP.
 

Elfboy

Certified Sausage Smoker
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Nov 26, 2008
Messages
9,625
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ENFP
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5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Quentin Tarantino ESFJ, are you kidding me? try ENTP. Will Ferrell, probably ESFP
 

theplacesyoullgo

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Nov 27, 2008
Messages
243
Just commenting to say that my mother is an ESFJ and my father is an INTP, and I totally understand what you mean about those types not understanding each other a lot of the time. It's funny, because my parents have been married for way over 20 years (and seemingly happily), but to this day, I've never really pinpointed what exactly makes them work together. At face value, lots of what my father says seems to go over my mom's head (e.g. he loves making generalizations and my mother will argue with the most obscure anecdotal evidence), and I feel like my father is half-disinterested in a lot of what my mother says (but one could say that's pretty common for any marriage!). Still, I've never seen any outward signs of them being overtly unhappy with each other. Wish I had advice rather than just an observation.
 

kathara

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Oct 12, 2007
Messages
167
MBTI Type
INTP
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5
Yes, mom and dad. INTP/ESFJ, married for 31 years now.
 
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