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  1. #21
    Senior Member Heart&Brain's Avatar
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    You love each other. Maybe you should start there? Make it explicit what about the unique personality of the other you love and what strenghts in the unique relationship you've built together you appreciate.

    Then use MBTI as a mere tool (not directive or predictive 'Truth') serving this love and this common project. It can provide a nuanced and tolerant descriptive common language. And it can propose perspectives to help mutual understanding, communication and win-win ways of working through conflicts towards constructive and respectful solutions. And learning from other's experiences like you've asked for here can be an inspiration too.

    Love first, regardless of type theories and statistics about mate-matches. Then MBTI as a valuable supportive tool for the actual love you've both created, I'd say.

    Best wishes!

  2. #22
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    ^^^ Totally agree about using this as a tool.

    ESFJ's like to know how people tick. It is hard to know how INTP's tick as you keep everything close to your chest, which is totally understandable.
    Has your wife ever said that she is not a mind reader? amongst other things.

    Let her read up on your type and hers, i am almost positive it will benefit you both.

    I wish i knew about this MBTI sooner then possibly things could of worked out different or maybe not.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  3. #23
    Senior Member Little_Sticks's Avatar
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    This sounds like a hard marriage to make work. It's do-able, but not very likely to succeed.

    Here's something to think about, taken from socionics.com:

    INTP-ESFJ - Conflicting Relations
    These are relations of constantly developing conflict. Conflicting relations have the worst compatibility between partners among all other relations. However, it does not seem to be so obvious, especially in the earlier stages of development. Conflicting partners appear rather attractive, interesting and with impressive abilities.

    Both partners are usually convinced that they can coexist and collaborate quite peacefully, but soon it becomes apparent that something is always going wrong, making their relationship problematic. Both partners may mistakenly think that the cause of these problems is minor and easily fixed and that all they need to do is to show a little bit more effort in understanding their partner.

    Unfortunately, these attempts to continue pushing their relationship any further will soon provoke an open conflict between the partners. When conflict starts, partners hit each other with arguments exactly in the direction where they can cause maximum pain. In return, the other partner may counterattack even more aggressively. With every conflict these relations become worse and worse.

    Although Conflicting partners show confidence where their partner is unconfident, they are unable to protect and take care of each other's weak points. This regularly brings disagreement and disappointment into these relations. When after several fruitless attempts to establish a stable relationship the partners give up and break the relationship, they feel saved and released.

  4. #24
    Senior Member Valuable_Money's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Little_Sticks View Post
    This sounds like a hard marriage to make work. It's do-able, but not very likely to succeed.

    Here's something to think about, taken from socionics.com:

    INTP-ESFJ - Conflicting Relations
    These are relations of constantly developing conflict. Conflicting relations have the worst compatibility between partners among all other relations. However, it does not seem to be so obvious, especially in the earlier stages of development. Conflicting partners appear rather attractive, interesting and with impressive abilities.

    Both partners are usually convinced that they can coexist and collaborate quite peacefully, but soon it becomes apparent that something is always going wrong, making their relationship problematic. Both partners may mistakenly think that the cause of these problems is minor and easily fixed and that all they need to do is to show a little bit more effort in understanding their partner.

    Unfortunately, these attempts to continue pushing their relationship any further will soon provoke an open conflict between the partners. When conflict starts, partners hit each other with arguments exactly in the direction where they can cause maximum pain. In return, the other partner may counterattack even more aggressively. With every conflict these relations become worse and worse.

    Although Conflicting partners show confidence where their partner is unconfident, they are unable to protect and take care of each other's weak points. This regularly brings disagreement and disappointment into these relations. When after several fruitless attempts to establish a stable relationship the partners give up and break the relationship, they feel saved and released.

    since its socionics isnt it really INTJ x ESFJ?
    Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh? wgah'nagl fhtagn

  5. #25
    Senior Member SubjectA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Little_Sticks View Post
    This sounds like a hard marriage to make work. It's do-able, but not very likely to succeed.

    Here's something to think about, taken from socionics.com:

    INTP-ESFJ - Conflicting Relations
    These are relations of constantly developing conflict. Conflicting relations have the worst compatibility between partners among all other relations. However, it does not seem to be so obvious, especially in the earlier stages of development. Conflicting partners appear rather attractive, interesting and with impressive abilities.

    Both partners are usually convinced that they can coexist and collaborate quite peacefully, but soon it becomes apparent that something is always going wrong, making their relationship problematic. Both partners may mistakenly think that the cause of these problems is minor and easily fixed and that all they need to do is to show a little bit more effort in understanding their partner.

    Unfortunately, these attempts to continue pushing their relationship any further will soon provoke an open conflict between the partners. When conflict starts, partners hit each other with arguments exactly in the direction where they can cause maximum pain. In return, the other partner may counterattack even more aggressively. With every conflict these relations become worse and worse.

    Although Conflicting partners show confidence where their partner is unconfident, they are unable to protect and take care of each other's weak points. This regularly brings disagreement and disappointment into these relations. When after several fruitless attempts to establish a stable relationship the partners give up and break the relationship, they feel saved and released.
    The thing about that is that it makes a lot of assumptions. Any two mature types can get along just fine, even if they're opposites. Nobody's doomed here. An advantage that the OP already has is that he's looking into MBTI and (hopefully) using it as a tool to try to bridge the communication gap. Running away because someone is the opposite type as you is...lame.


    OP: Hate to break it to you dude, but marriage problems after 8 years is extremely common, if not inevitable. Even if she was the most compatible type you still would've had problems. Hey, that's life. This is a point where a lot of couples get divorced. Usually they have kids by now, which doesn't help. I read somewhere on here that you don't? Good. That allows the both of you to devote more time and energy on yourselves and each other when it comes to making this relationship work.

    So what is her view on all this? What does she think is wrong? Is she resentful because she does most of the housework?

    What do you mean by she doesn't understand what makes you tick? Have you thought about telling her what makes you tick?

    Also, what kind of problems are you having? You weren't very specific.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  6. #26
    Senior Member Little_Sticks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Valuable_Money View Post
    since its socionics isnt it really INTJ x ESFJ?
    That's a good question. TBH, I'm not really sure. I've been told INTP = INTp for the most part and didn't find it too much different from MBTI to want to study it. So I just kind of took INTP = INTp.

  7. #27
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SubjectA View Post
    OP: Hate to break it to you dude, but marriage problems after 8 years is extremely common, if not inevitable.
    There's a reason the term "7 year itch" exists.

    I think it's usually something like 2 years, then 7 years, then 18-20 years (i.e., initial discomfort, "oh gee, what was I thinking???";, then trying to make it work but tiring and then usually spending a few years dealing with kid issues, either having them or sending them to school; then usually when the kids leave home and both parents have to deal with each other again with no distractions). Then some more after that, but I'm not old enough to have experienced 'em yet.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  8. #28
    ⒺⓉⒷ Eric B's Avatar
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    Well, you come to tune them out a lot of the time. But then you will hear about that.
    Otherwise, they are sweeties, and at the same time, they have the Ne and Ti, and can be mind-mates with it at times.
    APS Profile: Inclusion: e/w=1/6 (Supine) |Control: e/w=7/3 (Choleric) |Affection: e/w=1/9 (Supine)
    Ti 54.3 | Ne 47.3 | Si 37.8 | Fe 17.7 | Te 22.5 | Ni 13.4 | Se 18.9 | Fi 27.9

    Temperament (APS) from scratch -- MBTI Type from scratch
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  9. #29
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    I found this read fairly accurate when my ex (sj )and I were going through a divorce.

    (SJ)Legalist & (NT)Analyst

  10. #30
    HAHHAHHAH! INTJ123's Avatar
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    I had a GF that was an SJ, I think she was ESTJ though. I only needed to date an SJ once to know that we are not compatible. That's all I have to say and I stick to it, I probably won't ever date an SJ again.

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