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[INTJ] INTJs- How successful have you been at love?

forzen

New member
Joined
May 7, 2009
Messages
547
MBTI Type
INTJ
Only felt the urge to be in a relationship twice in my life.

My first round with love (infatuation, whatever...I would have done anything for this chick, good thing she didn't know lol) is a high school crush (who doesn't have those). I only talked to her once and she innitiated the conversation. I was so surprised that I just looked at her and could not say anything....

Round two was probably one of the happiest time of my life even though after I confessed that "I liked her," she told me those dreadful phrase that every guy don't want to hear, "I think its a good idea if we stay as friend." I still enjoyed every moment I spent with her and moved on. There was a brief romantic movie scene moment, but I ended pulling away (kind of looked like I was disgusted....jeez I fail when it counts) because I was so confused on wtf is going (i was 19 here) on because she had said earlier that we were just going to be friend.

The feelings I felt during those time has not returned and those feelings were the fuel that droved me to explore being in a relationship.

So I concluded:
For the average looking male INTJ like myself, with no "game," the prospect of love is undeniably grim.
 

Jeremy77

New member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
6
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5x4
I'm almost 33 and still single. My romantic history is pretty thin, and I didn't even start dating till well out of high school.

But I'd much rather be alone than in a bad relationship. Half the married people I know are divorced or wish they were divorced, and that's not going to be me. I take great pride in the fact I'm not in the Child Support system.

Having said that, I wouldn't mind meeting a comely NT girl and seeing if I could forge a lasting mental connection that might get serious.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
I'm almost 33 and still single. My romantic history is pretty thin, and I didn't even start dating till well out of high school.

But I'd much rather be alone than in a bad relationship. Half the married people I know are divorced or wish they were divorced, and that's not going to be me. I take great pride in the fact I'm not in the Child Support system.

Having said that, I wouldn't mind meeting a comely NT girl and seeing if I could forge a lasting mental connection that might get serious.

Welcome to the board.

I'll be 32 on Sunday, and I didn't date much in my teens and 20s....I had a job that I loved and didn't mind slaving for.

Not that I couldn't get girls, I just wasn't interested in anything serious.

But I know that feeling...I can't say that I have any congintive preference, I just want to be able to get that mental connection/chemistry thing that you are looking for, so I feel you.
 

Oddly Refined

New member
Joined
May 27, 2009
Messages
230
Enneagram
5
I'm 30 and single. I'm happy to be both and glad that I didn't make any life long commitments in my 20s. I'm just becoming comfortable in my own skin and really starting push into more interior layers within myself that need to be addressed. I'd rather be alone than with someone that I know isn't a good fit.
 

Arthur Schopenhauer

What is, is.
Joined
May 1, 2010
Messages
1,158
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5
My one and, so far, only romantic experience was a doomed failure. I am still recovering and I don't think she ever will. :/

After experiencing what it's like to be in that kind of relationship, the whole prospect of romance has become increasingly more complicated and... Dare I say it? Horrifying. It looks like I'm doomed to be a hermit unless I accrue some masses of wealth or find a perfect woman... I wish I could find them on eBay.

Bleh.
 

rep_movsd

New member
Joined
Sep 28, 2010
Messages
2
MBTI Type
ENFP
I'm just in the opposite boat - I'm the male ENFP who is desperately in love with a much younger INTJ. She is my best friend, and I exposed all my feelings to her recently. She feels it may be the best thing ever "on paper" but that she's not ready for it yet....
I'm longing like crazy for her.... She doesn't seem to mind me addressing her as "my love" in messages and stuff, but she kinda ignores the fact that I am desperate for her, and won't throw a single gesture or word that may feel to me like an approval of my love... Sigh!
If she just said I was more than a friend I could go for the next few months with my head in the clouds.
My only strategy is to be as I always was with her, the challenger to her intellect, the guy who spurs her on and keeps ahead of her in every game. It seems to be the respect game that can work - the more respect I get from her, the more likely she will someday let her emotions rule and fall for me as I fell for her....
 

rep_movsd

New member
Joined
Sep 28, 2010
Messages
2
MBTI Type
ENFP
How long do you know each other?
I know her about a year and a half - Her dad has been my good friend for about 6 years, but I usually only met him at his workplace, I met her for the first time in early 2009. We got to be real good friends soon, because I think the respect her dad had for me impressed her. We have been meeting a couple of times a week at least, usually in our martial arts class, and often we go running together, sometimes she drops in and we watch TED Talks or MIT OCW video lectures together. She is a science nut and luckily so am I, so thats a good thing :)

I definitely always test as an ENFP, but when I was much younger I believe i leaned more towards an INTJ ( maybe I'm wrong but I can understand some of the things that go on in her head and what she says, because I felt that way years ago )
 

skylights

i love
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
7,756
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
Great relationship > Being alone > Ehh relationship

so true

Whatever type you are, women have it easier.

we both have our battles. until you guys stop getting paid more, though, i can not allow this claim to go uncontested :dont:

Often though, I've seen myself alter myself to 'fit' with the person I am with because I like harmony in relationships. It's happened a couple of times now - whereby I undergo a transformation of myself by picking up the best traits of my partner .:workout:. Have any of you INTJ's done anything crazy like this? I feel like Rouge from X-Men lol. Its like i'm transferring the good qualities from someone into myself. I guess it comes from my need to improve myself. Its the oddest thing in the world! I'm not sure it did me any good though because it was a draining process.

i do this too... you like pick up their strong qualities and mimic them to an extent.

From my exes, ENFP was the most good for my INTJ soul. It felt good. Constant comfort and constant excitement. In the end, it was too "all over the place" for me. There was no direction. That is scary for an INTJ like me. Its "uncertainty". INTJ's like knowing things for a fact, and atleast be able to put their finger on what they value. Also when they know things, those facts become more valuable and interesting. So with all the uncertainty I lost my excitement and respect for him.

that's part of why i like Js so much actually... (can't deny a certain amount of INTJ-ENFP chemistry either) i see so many different directions i could take that i love, and i have trouble choosing one path, or staying on it when i do. a J who knows you well, loves you, and wants what's best for you can help you choose a good path and stay with it. :yes:
 

Kalach

Filthy Apes!
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
4,310
MBTI Type
INTJ
a J who knows you well, loves you, and wants what's best for you can help you choose a good path and stay with it. :yes:

No, they can't.

And I get a little bit angry to constantly hear it. Why on earth would any self-respecting introverted J attempt to organise the external world of some other person? Any self-respected introverted J is extremely well aware of what it means to have other people organise their outer world: nothing. Worse than nothing, really. The outer world exists to reflect the inner world. Thus, how can any other person legitimately attempt to take over that organisation?

EPs will make noise about our organisation being good. We'll be pleased. And we'll attempt to make sure we're right by asking, but what do you "really" want? And you'll lie, saying that you don't know and can't know until something happens, love is sweet, just enjoy.

But we'll know. Probably too late, but we'll know. What will we know? That saying you don't know how to choose eventually means only I'll reserve my choice until it Really matters, and when it Really matters, none of your organisation of my world will be important any more.

So, yeah, thanks for that. Choose your own path.
 

InvisibleJim

Permabanned
Joined
Nov 19, 2009
Messages
2,387
I ask this because I have 2 close INTJ friends, and they are still single, though one just hit 30 and the other is close. They have had relationships, but not have settled down yet, in fact, the younger of the 2 seems to meet a different girl every week, but can't keep it going.

I'm not saying that 30 is some magic number. I'm not married myself. :D


I just wonder how their approach to life and relationships impacts their relationships.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

I'm probably relatively typical of the INTJ male. I've had a few serious relationships (in one I was engaged to an ENFP for a few years). Generally we like to have a settled external environment that doesn't upset us. We generally learn quickly in the modern world that others are very different. Given enough time and experience we tend to decide that attempting to deal with others eccentricities is dangerous to us in itself. There is a balance between choosing longer relationships or short non committal ones to stay internally non threatened by the external environment.

I remember reading somewhere an INTJ relationships guide which specified that the typical INTJ spots a partner around college age based upon many attractive attributes and then hunts them down vigorously, if it doesn't work we internalise the problem and go 'well don't waste time on that again' if it does work we are rather happy. I think they were probably accurate.

We tend to leap straight into our first few relationships with limerence for the partner and find ourselves badly burned and then adjust ourselves to allowing relationships to occur but not having much faith in them. Of course, we tend to make the error of believing our partners are exactly the same emotional connection level as we are, this our error in perspective, not our partners as we rarely want to talk about it. We are instantaneously very observant of others, but we can sit and ruin our external perspective with internal Ni-Fi biases adding very strong flavour to our other experiences. If we are just in it for fun we assume the other is, if our brain has turned into lovey mush we assume the others has.

I suppose some get lucky and go the full way with their first few partners, good for them!

I think the typical INTJ male sees less need for commitment based upon the number of relationships they are in due to history matching relationships against results. Commitment opens oneself to emotional turmoil and is viewed as preparing oneself for disappointment.

This is one of the reasons I tend to view the whole ENFP-INTJ thing as messy and pretty dumb matching system. ENFPs like to sample during their early adulthood and become more committed given time and experience as they learn how much they enjoy building an emotionally complex relationship. The inverse could said to be true for INTJs, initial disappointment could easily give way to a view that creating emotional connections is dangerous to the internal world itself.

There is probably some balance point therefore between these two affects if this was to be possible.

A J who knows you well, loves you, and wants what's best for you can help you choose a good path and stay with it. :yes:

Depends on the J, INTJs tend not to wish to influence other peoples paths, we internalise our views and perspectives particularly where others are involved. As an INTJ I find myself going to extreme lengths not to influence others decision making processes. If I find a good friendship or relationship (rare enough at best) the last thing I want to do is influence their individuality.
 

Edgar

Nerd King Usurper
Joined
Oct 25, 2008
Messages
4,266
MBTI Type
INTJ
Instinctual Variant
sx
pfft... dorks
 

Usehername

On a mission
Joined
May 30, 2007
Messages
3,794
Depends on the J, INTJs tend not to wish to influence other peoples paths, we internalise our views and perspectives particularly where others are involved. As an INTJ I find myself going to extreme lengths not to influence others decision making processes. If I find a good friendship or relationship (rare enough at best) the last thing I want to do is influence their individuality.

I'm a bossy J. I have no issue pushing people in a certain direction if I feel they've been spinning their wheels to no avail or are making a poor decision that is going to have repercussions. I do expect them to push back, though!
EDIT: And I'm particularly good at verbalizing encouragement, too.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
This is one of the reasons I tend to view the whole ENFP-INTJ thing as messy and pretty dumb matching system. ENFPs like to sample during their early adulthood and become more committed given time and experience as they learn how much they enjoy building an emotionally complex relationship. The inverse could said to be true for INTJs, initial disappointment could easily give way to a view that creating emotional connections is dangerous to the internal world itself.

Maybe it's because only ENFPs are 1) openly expressive enough 2) sexy enough 3) fascinated enough by the INTJ personality and 4) and-damn-near-pesty-persisitent enough to try to convince the INTJ curmudgeon otherwise.
 

InvisibleJim

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Nov 19, 2009
Messages
2,387
Maybe it's because only ENFPs are 1) openly expressive enough 2) sexy enough 3) fascinated enough by the INTJ personality and 4) and-damn-near-pesty-persisitent enough to try to convince the INTJ curmudgeon otherwise.

This seems likely. At least there are all those INTJs around to keep your optimism balanced against reality, right? :laugh:
 

Rex

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Messages
600
MBTI Type
INTJ
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Not success yet. Going to move in to the city to get shorter travel time to the bars. Best shot i can figure out as of now.
 

entropie

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Apr 24, 2008
Messages
16,767
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entp
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Maybe it's because only ENFPs are 1) openly expressive enough 2) sexy enough 3) fascinated enough by the INTJ personality and 4) and-damn-near-pesty-persisitent enough to try to convince the INTJ curmudgeon otherwise.

I am curious how you can proof being sexy by being enfp. I am entp for example :D
 

Colombe Gris

New member
Joined
Jun 5, 2010
Messages
45
MBTI Type
INTJ
I must be an outlier on the INTJ relationship chart. I have had three and half rock solid years with my ESTJ boyfriend. :D

I guess it works for me because even though I theoretically imagine some passionate, intense relationship with an ENFP-type personality or finding more common ground with another INTJ, I really, really like the constancy of my life. Besides, I need someone who will remember and take care of all the practical, real-world stuff that I prefer not to think about AND who will act as "ambassador" at social gatherings. Conversely, he needs someone to tell him to stop obsessing over every penny he spends and to look at the world from a different perspective sometimes. It's a balancing act.
 
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