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[INTJ] INTJ Intimidation

Metamorphosis

New member
Joined
May 9, 2007
Messages
3,474
MBTI Type
INTJ
What is it about us that causes people to think that we are stand-offish, aloof, intimidating, etc.?

I use to think that it was my dry humor and sarcasm, but I've had waitresses stop in their tracks on the way to the table and then say something to the extent of, "Why are you looking at me like you hate me," when all I did was glance in their direction. This hasn't been an issue in awhile really, but I still find it interesting.
 

Usehername

On a mission
Joined
May 30, 2007
Messages
3,794
What is it about us that causes people to think that we are stand-offish, aloof, intimidating, etc.?

I use to think that it was my dry humor and sarcasm, but I've had waitresses stop in their tracks on the way to the table and then say something to the extent of, "Why are you looking at me like you hate me," when all I did was glance in their direction. This hasn't been an issue in awhile really, but I still find it interesting.

my grandma always thinks I'm depressed when i'm around her and not smiling. it's such a chore to change your natural face-state. you'd think she'd learn after ten billion, "no, grandma i'm feeling fine!" responses, but it gets annoying.

i think i can be intimidating because i hide my weaknesses, which with my well-roundedness in music/athletics/academics makes me look perfect from afar. (i'm nowhere close to perfect, but i have competent specialties in pretty much every broad area of life, so when i hide the areas where i'm weak, it looks like i have just pwned life.)
 

Arandur

New member
Joined
May 8, 2007
Messages
60
MBTI Type
INTJ
This is something I've been wondering for a long time. On multiple occasions (mostly at my job) I'll give someone crossing my path a casual glance, and they'll look at me fearfully and say "sorry!". Also, I've been asked by co-workers why I hate them, when I've barely had any interaction with them.

I didn't think I gave off such a mean aura :huh:
 

Wolf

only bites when provoked
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
2,127
MBTI Type
INTJ
I do, too, even though I'm nothing but fluffy clouds and playful kittens inside.
 

Recoleta

No me digas, che!
Joined
Aug 8, 2007
Messages
600
MBTI Type
ISXJ
What is it about us that causes people to think that we are stand-offish, aloof, intimidating, etc.?

In my experience with my one good INTJ friend I think he initially seems really stand-offish and aloof because he hardly ever lets people see him for who he is. He keeps a lot to himself and is not big on self-disclosure...it literally took years for him to talk about himself on a personal level. Also, he is terrible at initiating and maintaining communication with people. It seems he could go months without speaking to people (even his best friends) and that doesn't bother him at all. Is it really that hard to pick up the phone every once in awhile and simply say, "Hey, how are ya?" I think just for those 2 reasons alone INTJ's are hard to get to know.

Also, there really is something about the general facial expression that INTJ's have. My friend almost always has a serious look on his face, and his eyes are very piercing...I think one article I read on INTJ's said something like, "You feel as if they can see right through you" and I'd say that can be really accurate at times. Although, when he is really happy you can see a visible joy in his eyes...and goodness gracious, is it ever attractive :wubbie:
 

Mendacity

New member
Joined
Sep 19, 2007
Messages
131
I've had waitresses stop in their tracks on the way to the table and then say something to the extent of, "Why are you looking at me like you hate me," when all I did was glance in their direction.

I've had the same experience and I always thought it was just me. I always thought I just had a weird face whose expression didn't seem to match what I was thinking or feeling very well.

Aside from appearances though, people tell me that they were intimidated when they first met me because I came across as very knowledgeable and well spoken. And because I acted kind of like I didn't like them and didn't want to get to know them, which isn't the case.
Truthfully, it's because I'm really shy and I've learned that a lot of people think I'm kind of weird (which is, I think, common among INTJs), so I don't want to say anything too strange.
Another part of it, I am told, is that I come across as very smart and knowledgeable... which is great, but I am aware of the fact that I can just as easily come off as a know-it-all... which is just another reason for keeping quiet.

It's interesting that there seems to be a disconnect between what's on our faces and what's in our heads though. Can anyone shed some more light on this?
 

Rohsiph

New member
Joined
Jul 5, 2007
Messages
100
MBTI Type
lego
This has been rather distressing for me in certain moments. I have overcome much adolescent shyness, yet still find myself at a distance from most people as far as "breaking the ice." My consistent justification is that I am quite capable of introducing myself to someone I am intensely interested in, but it is an exceptionally rare circumstance when a stranger will appear so intriguing to me. Thus, I leave it up to everyone else to introduce themselves to me--after which point, in the just-as-rare case that someone says "hello," I am capable of sharing just about anything about myself.

I've never understood why so many people seem to find me to be intimidating. It is certainly no longer the case (for some years now) that I am actively trying to intimidate people. Yet, the problem seems to persist . . .

I think Usehername pointed out something rather important, as I suppose I also seem to hide my weaknesses--such that I have gone out of my way to ask some of my friends, in rather weak moments, to point out to me what my weaknesses are, and I have never gained any helpful insight from trying this, so I am now convinced that I must just be really good at hiding my incompetencies.

Yet, I wonder if this is it--so much is said about confidence being an attractive quality . . . and when one is intimidated, is it not often because of a perceived aggressive confidence? I've given this topic a lot of thought over the years, since long before I came across type-theory . . . and still have yet to find any satisfying answer.
 

Mycroft

The elder Holmes
Joined
Jun 7, 2007
Messages
1,068
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
As mentioned above, it's in the eyes. I realize this and can't really do anything to change it so I've just learned to roll with being thought intimidating.

What's really bizarre is that my present supervisor becomes visibly nervous (swallowing hard, sweating) when he talks to me. All I do is look at him with a neutral expression and respond where I feel I have something of note to add.

This is just something we INTJs do. We can't turn it off and when we try to disguise it we look and act odd. What's more, it's not our faults that some people are so lilly-livered that a little eye contact makes them lose their composure.
 

Crabapple

New member
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
165
MBTI Type
INFJ
Might be because y'all have that Clint Eastwood face thing going...
 

Natrushka

Pareo cattus
Joined
Jun 7, 2007
Messages
1,213
MBTI Type
INTJ
I do, too, even though I'm nothing but fluffy clouds and playful kittens inside.

ROFL.

I'd say it's the eyes, too. And the general facial expression - not hard or mean, but impassive as we wait for the information to trickle in. I've had to learn to adopt certain 'interested' looks at work. I can tell when listening to my boss say something that I need to adjust my facial expression lest he get the Wrong Idea.
 

proteanmix

Plumage and Moult
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
5,514
Enneagram
1w2
It's fun poking INTJs because they have the most stunned look on their faces, like you actually have the audacity to touch me?!

I poked my INTJ coworker and her eyes bulged a little bit and then she said in the most stern voice, I don't like being poked. And then I thought to myself, she looks serious...dare I? I did it again and then she busted out laughing. I guess you can't be that hardcore if you wear pink every Thursday. Good Times. :D
 

Natrushka

Pareo cattus
Joined
Jun 7, 2007
Messages
1,213
MBTI Type
INTJ
I'm guessing you poked her at work, where she couldn't lash out at you. ;)
 

The_Liquid_Laser

Glowy Goopy Goodness
Joined
Jul 11, 2007
Messages
3,376
MBTI Type
ENTP
LOL my INTJ friend used to comment about the strange look in my eyes. Of course with me it's because my mind is often wandering all over the place, and I can't keep track of what's going on around me.
 

Economica

Dhampyr
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
2,054
MBTI Type
INTJ
What is it about us that causes people to think that we are stand-offish, aloof, intimidating, etc.?

My take:

We are naturally reserved in daily interaction (like other I's), we are naturally oblivious to what sociologists call face-preserving/-saving behavior (like other T's), we are naturally non-conformist (like other N's) so we don't emulate any social courtesies we don't understand and (unlike the intimidating runners-up, the INTPs) we exude complacent certitude when we do interact. In sum, we seem mysterious and anti-social yet confident = intimidating.

Learning the basics of social interaction (reciprocating friendliness, smalltalking) does wonders for our popularity. I highly recommend it; it's a lot more productive to be both formidable and likable. Whip and carrot. :yes:
 
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