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  1. #1
    Ruler of the Stars Asterion's Avatar
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    Default Connecting to People

    Is it really necessary? I mean emotionally, like with a couple of your most trusted friends, do you actually "open up to them" to become "connected"?

    Most of the people I know are just there to hang out with, share a few jokes, occasionally chit chat about with and invite to the movies and whatever, what does it actually mean to be connected to someone? I'm starting to think that I've never actually connected to anyone, which is really kind of weird, I never considered it before. I'm not even sure I have anything to open up with people about, am I supposed to have something to open up about? Is it things like insecurities, or is it just the funny kind of stories about things you've done in the past? ... I don't get it
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  2. #2
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    No, it's not necessary, I guess
    But..I wouldn't want to live without it, personally. Often, it's a process of self-revelation. You get to know one another in every way, the good, the bad and the ugly. And in the process, you often discover things about yourself you never knew. It also makes you extremely vulnerable, but becoz you trust them, and that trust is built on sharing equally deep and dark things, it is also very rewarding. It means having someone you don't always have to be strong around, someone who can see through your masks and facade. It takes away a lot of loneliness and detachedness from the world.

    Yes there are risks, but the risks match and even don't weigh up against the advantages, imo.
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  3. #3
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    It's not necessary. I agree it makes no sense and, when you start to think about it, sounds like an insurmountable task. Connecting to a another means you have common ground, understanding and an interest in what they really think and want and desire. Their passions. What makes them happy, sad, angry. It's not one specific thing or the same thing to each person. You can't force it either. Only when you develop trust is when this is able to take place. I didn't get it either. Not for a long time. When it happened it freed me to share myself with another person and for them to do the same in return. That's what a connection is all about.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  4. #4
    Ruler of the Stars Asterion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    No, it's not necessary, I guess
    But..I wouldn't want to live without it, personally. Often, it's a process of self-revelation. You get to know one another in every way, the good, the bad and the ugly. And in the process, you often discover things about yourself you never knew. It also makes you extremely vulnerable, but becoz you trust them, and that trust is built on sharing equally deep and dark things, it is also very rewarding. It means having someone you don't always have to be strong around, someone who can see through your masks and facade. It takes away a lot of loneliness and detachedness from the world.

    Yes there are risks, but the risks match and even don't weigh up against the advantages, imo.
    Like having someone that you can share anything with, and know that they are not going to turn it on you somehow, I think I can see how it works, you can trust someone more once you've seen that they are trustworthy, and having someone else vulnerable to you shows that they trust you as well. It's almost like being tied together, I see why it's referred to as connecting.

    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    It's not necessary. I agree it makes no sense and, when you start to think about it, sounds like an insurmountable task. Connecting to a another means you have common ground, understanding and an interest in what they really think and want and desire. Their passions. What makes them happy, sad, angry. It's not one specific thing or the same thing to each person. You can't force it either. Only when you develop trust is when this is able to take place. I didn't get it either. Not for a long time. When it happened it freed me to share myself with another person and for them to do the same in return. That's what a connection is all about.
    Haha, I just get the idea that you could go up to anyone and just talk about yourself in as much detail as possible and if they talk back in the same fashion, you become connected... to an absolute stranger? I take it that this happens naturally between people over time, you just expand the amount of topics that you can talk about with them, right?

    okay, *writes it off as not necessary, but beneficial*
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  5. #5
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    To get it really up to the highest level can take months...years even depending on how often you talk and how closed you are as a person. Though with some you can develop such a bond rather intensely and instantaneous...often though you have to watch out not to burn out, as trust does need time to grow..going too fast often causes some uneasiness or even premature boredom with one another, or can flat out hurt people in the process. So yes..it is quite an investment to get it right

    Also, it's best when it happens spontaneously, without expectation and in a genuine fasion, ime.
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  6. #6
    Ruler of the Stars Asterion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    To get it really up to the highest level can take months...years even depending on how often you talk and how closed you are as a person. Though with some you can develop such a bond rather intensely and instantaneous...often though you have to watch out not to burn out, as trust does need time to grow..going too fast often causes some uneasiness or even premature boredom with one another, or can flat out hurt people in the process. So yes..it is quite an investment to get it right

    Also, it's best when it happens spontaneously, without expectation and in a genuine fasion, ime.
    How many people can you be connected to? I'd take it that you can connect to as many as you want/need... I suppose having more than a few would get difficult to maintain... wait, what's the limit of things that you would actually say to someone you don't know? lol, If I go up to someone and tell them that I used to be abused at a child or something whacko like that and do it in a genuine kind of way, what would actually happen?

    I wonder if this is what the profiles meant when they stated that ENTPs tend to find it hard to see the psychological distance between themselves and others... that might have been a socionics description... I can't remember anymore
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  7. #7
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by King-Of-Despair View Post
    How many people can you be connected to? I'd take it that you can connect to as many as you want/need... I suppose having more than a few would get difficult to maintain... wait, what's the limit of things that you would actually say to someone you don't know? lol, If I go up to someone and tell them that I used to be abused at a child or something whacko like that and do it in a genuine kind of way, what would actually happen?
    It's not about quantity. Like my husband. I'm very connected to him but it took years. My best GF, I'm also connected to but not at the same level as my husband. I'm connected to my children but in a whole different way.

    I don't know that telling a casual acquaintance you were abused as a child would suddenly connect you to them. Probably not. You start small and work your way up to bigger things, at least that's how I did it.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  8. #8
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by King-Of-Despair View Post
    How many people can you be connected to? I'd take it that you can connect to as many as you want/need... I suppose having more than a few would get difficult to maintain... wait, what's the limit of things that you would actually say to someone you don't know? lol, If I go up to someone and tell them that I used to be abused at a child or something whacko like that and do it in a genuine kind of way, what would actually happen?
    I can only speak for myself but...there are different levels. Every connection is different. The most intense one I've ever had was with my current SO. Other than that, I've had several intense ones with people who've come close to being a soulmate. Oddly, it's something that usually only happens with one (extra) person at a time. But I'm sure that it is possible to have several connections at ones, though it would indeed be very high maintenance to keep going. I do usually have several other connections going that don't go that far, just yet. They might have potential, but it's rare to click with someone that well that you get to that high a level, ime.

    As for fessing up too soon, that would often lead to a lot of uncomfortableness, as the trust necessary for handling such a thing isn't there yet..from either side. You build it up. You start with what you like in life, find a common ground, share some insights on how you view the world, learn from each other, etc etc. You see if you're compatible, really, wether that includes romantically so or just friendship-based. Along the way, depending on how well those talks go, you can get to the more intense stuff, as often, you'll notice that you share similar traumatic experiences from your past, or similar beliefs, or just similar life lessons. That forms a bond, and furthers the trust. Only after all of that, those things will happen, usually.

    There are circumstances where those kind of things are already shared in the first conversation. Often that's coz the conversation is going very smoothly and you can literally 'skip' certain stages. One of the two basically inspires so much trust in the other, and/or the other is dealing with some emotional scars they cannot seem to keep inside, which leads to these kind of intense talks early on. It then often depends on the social skills of both parties how that pans out. If it does work, it creates an immediate and deep bond, however, it's still fleeting if not maintained, and can die out more quickly than one that has been cultivated over time.
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  9. #9
    Ruler of the Stars Asterion's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    It's not about quantity. Like my husband. I'm very connected to him but it took years. My best GF, I'm also connected to but not at the same level as my husband. I'm connected to my children but in a whole different way.

    I don't know that telling a casual acquaintance you were abused as a child would suddenly connect you to them. Probably not. You start small and work your way up to bigger things, at least that's how I did it.
    I just want to reduce it to something straightforward and simple I think, whereas it seems to be something that requires effort to maintain and tact such that you don't alienate people, can someone connect to you even if you don't connect to them? or do you really need to expose yourself (however you'd go about doing that) when they expose themselves?

    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    I can only speak for myself but...there are different levels. Every connection is different. The most intense one I've ever had was with my current SO. Other than that, I've had several intense ones with people who've come close to being a soulmate. Oddly, it's something that usually only happens with one (extra) person at a time. But I'm sure that it is possible to have several connections at ones, though it would indeed be very high maintenance to keep going. I do usually have several other connections going that don't go that far, just yet. They might have potential, but it's rare to click with someone that well that you get to that high a level, ime.

    As for fessing up too soon, that would often lead to a lot of uncomfortableness, as the trust necessary for handling such a thing isn't there yet..from either side. You build it up. You start with what you like in life, find a common ground, share some insights on how you view the world, learn from each other, etc etc. You see if you're compatible, really, wether that includes romantically so or just friendship-based. Along the way, depending on how well those talks go, you can get to the more intense stuff, as often, you'll notice that you share similar traumatic experiences from your past, or similar beliefs, or just similar life lessons. That forms a bond, and furthers the trust. Only after all of that, those things will happen, usually.

    There are circumstances where those kind of things are already shared in the first conversation. Often that's coz the conversation is going very smoothly and you can literally 'skip' certain stages. One of the two basically inspires so much trust in the other, and/or the other is dealing with some emotional scars they cannot seem to keep inside, which leads to these kind of intense talks early on. It then often depends on the social skills of both parties how that pans out. If it does work, it creates an immediate and deep bond, however, it's still fleeting if not maintained, and can die out more quickly than one that has been cultivated over time.
    Is it necessary to connect to a SO? hmmm, I think if people find that you are serious enough to handle their problems, they would do it more often. I find that people don't talk to me about the same kind of things they do to one of my mates (an ISTJ), He talks to them about the things that they do in life, their jobs, their everything, whereas I just joke and play about and act rather childish, and realize later that I don't even know where they work or anything significant about them... that's not a problem is it? lol, I have plenty of questions
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  10. #10
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by King-Of-Despair View Post
    I just want to reduce it to something straightforward and simple I think, whereas it seems to be something that requires effort to maintain and tact such that you don't alienate people, can someone connect to you even if you don't connect to them? or do you really need to expose yourself (however you'd go about doing that) when they expose themselves?



    Is it necessary to connect to a SO? hmmm, I think if people find that you are serious enough to handle their problems, they would do it more often. I find that people don't talk to me about the same kind of things they do to one of my mates (an ISTJ), He talks to them about the things that they do in life, their jobs, their everything, whereas I just joke and play about and act rather childish, and realize later that I don't even know where they work or anything significant about them... that's not a problem is it? lol, I have plenty of questions
    Well..the connection is what binds you throughout life, I find. At least in my case. And no, it's not a problem that people come to you for something else. Peopel won't come to me to organize stuff or help them with daily details. They'll come to me when they need comforting, when they need their emotions sorted out. We all have our strenghts ,and people automatically look to you for those talents when they're in need of those
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